We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Aromantic people who have children or want them aren’t heard from often, and many don’t have the resources or representation they deserve, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Alex – I run the a-romantic–aromantic tumblr blog, and the associated discord/ virtual community events. For my identity: I mostly just identify with the label “aro” now, or “romo aro”, but I guess technically I’m somewhere in the nebulous cupio-quoi-crux allo aro area.
Alyssa G – I’m aromantic and asexual (hetero-oriented) and I want kids
Chio – Greyromantic, wants kids
Eryn Goetz – grayromantic, 3 children
Jules – My identities are quoi aromantic and aego greysexual, and I want kids
Ky – aromantic, wants kids
Lia – aromantic, asexual, 8 kids
Interview Questions
How has being aro impacted your parenting, or your desire for children?
Alex: I want to raise kids communally, in a house with many people, all of whom share parenthood status, regardless of romantic relationships.
AG: I definitely want to adopt. It’s not that being aro has made me want to adopt, but knowing that I may not have/want a partner in the future has opened the door to other options of having kids.
Chio: I don’t think it has impacted in some way on my desire for children, but I’ve been questioned by relatives and other people about how I plan or desire to have children if I’m not capable of loving, which I´ve tried to explain has nothing to do with my identity and my capacity to love…in fact, I’ve tried to explain to them that romantic love is just one type of love and it’s not the most important one.
EG: I have three children: it has meant that I am really careful not to influence them as to how they view relationships. My eldest is ace, my younger two wish to remain unmarried and have no children.
Jules: Being aro has made me feel like I am going to face more challenges than non-aros, as I personally do not wish a romantic relationship, nor do I feel like I’d “marry out of love.”
Ky: It’s made me reconsider how I imagine being a parent is at all. Most people are raised by two parents, or more. If I choose to foster, I’ll most likely be doing it as a single parent, or maybe with a queer platonic partner.
Lia: I always wanted a bunch of kids. I married young and I have 8 biological children ranging in age from 25 to 3 years old. I never expected to be a single parent, but the discovery of my sexual and romantic identity late in life led to divorce. I am happier as a single person, but I am sad for my kids.
How has your experience in aro communities been impacted by your status as a parent or desire for children?
AG: I’ve never met or known of an aromantic person with kids in any aro community I’ve ever been a part of, and I don’t think a desire for kids is often discussed in aro spaces.
Chio: I´m a bit older so I’m in “that age” that I want to have children and in all the online aro communities and forums I’ve been all the members or most of them have been quite young so they have asked me and being intrigued about my desire for children even though I identify within the aro spectrum.
Ky: I think it’s only made me aware of just how challenging it could be to adopt or foster children when not in a stereotypical monogamous romantic partnership.
How could aro communities better support you?
Alex: When advocating for bills for single households and non romantic housemates/partnerships, make sure to advocate for single parents, and the ability to adopt when unmarried/unpartnered too. The ability to have or raise kids shouldn’t depend on romantic relationships.
AG: Aro communities can better support me by acknowledging that some aros have/want kids.
Chio: With support groups or forums, maybe a discord channel where people from the aro community who is a parent or desire to have children can talk about the topic and discuss their experiences
Ky: I’d like to hear more experiences from aro parents and how they may have found the path to adopting or fostering children.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other aros who are or want to be parents?
AG: I wish aros knew that some aros want/have kids, and having/wanting kids is not an indicator of being aro or not!
Chio: I think these last 2 questions can be answered together as many aro and allo people sometimes think that aros who are or want to be parents are an exception to the rule and that’s not the case there are many people who identify within the aro spectrum who are parents or they truly want to be. Moreover, the fact that we rarely experience romantic attraction doesn’t make us less fit to be parents nor does it make us love our children less. We can feel love but not in a romantic way.
EG: Parenting is entirely separate from romance, aromanticism and sexuality. It doesn’t have to be in a marriage framework.
Jules: I’d like them to know that some aros (like me) will want apparently “traditional” relationships (American Dream: couple, 2.5 kids, a house) (in my case it’s not just a couple, but rather a polycule)
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aros who are or want to be parents?
Alex: You can raise kids without a two parent household, and you can have a two parent household without a romantic relationship. There are tons of ways to provide for children and having caretakers that care is most important.
AG: I wish allos knew that wanting/having kids is not necessarily connected with romantic attraction, and that aros can want/have kids!
EG: As above.
Jules: That romantic love is not required for parenting… it won’t (solely) make or break a family.
Ky: Simply that we exist, but I don’t think it’s aros that misunderstand this, it is largely the allos.