We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Older aromantic people are often invisible and many don’t even realize they exist, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Chris – 39 years old
Eryn Goetz – aromantic, age 43
Lia – aromantic, asexual, agender, age 43
RC – Aromantic, age 40
Ryan, they/them, Aromantic (but possibly quioromantic), age 45
Interview Questions
How does your age intersect with your orientation?
Amalthæ: I have been in social groups where I was pressured into “finding the right one” because “hurry up while you are still young”. I cut ties with them. Humans should not live by deadlines imposed by society. I’m lucky I’m not yet at an age where people will threaten me with dying alone if I don’t marry. As if one cannot have a social life outside of a hetero wedding.
Chris: I feel in some ways it validates my aromanticism. Like I can say to the younger folks that “Hey I’m nearly 40 and long term single, things are cool. I can help guide you.”
EG: I think people do associate aromanticism with young people: it isn’t something really talked about with people of my age. As a young person I was very indoctrinated into romance being a ‘thing’ that you were supposed to want and somewhere, it fell off. Of course it was never meant to be there.
RC: There’s a lot of new attitudes and vocabulary that wasn’t common in the 80’s and 90’s, so there’s a lot of information out there now to absorb. When I was growing up I simply told people that I didn’t want a boyfriend and it was always assumed to be a temporary “phase” – there wasn’t a name for it or a community.
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by your age, or your experience with other people your age impacted by your orientation?
Amalthæ: That’s the neat thing with queer spaces: the calender age does not matter very much. There is no age to figure out who we are. There are “more experienced aro” people who are younger than me by calendar age and who taught me a lot. I also weeded out my social circle from queerphobic individuals, including the arophobic ones anxious to see me in a relationship. Generally speaking, I prefer to interact with people my age only if they are very queer-inclusive. Otherwise I tend to prefer to interact with older persons who have been through more than one break-up and are more able to understand that there is value in the single life because friendships are rad too.
Chris: I feel in some ways it validates my aromanticism. Like I can say to the younger folks that “Hey I’m nearly 40 and long term single, things are cool. I can help guide you”
Lia: I feel like the communities are mostly dominated by younger people and it’s hard to find friendships in these groups. I feel like most people my own age are more focused on finding love/romance/sexual relationships and it’s often hard to find someone I can connect with for long as the next intimate relationship they have will always take precedence.
RC: Most of the aro community I’ve met range from their late teens to their late 20’s so it can be a little awkward. When I go to groups, I mostly just listen. But honestly, a lot of their experiences are the same as my experiences at that age, so I don’t find it hard to find common ground. I’m not much of a socializer so my closest friends are people I’ve known literal decades – they already know that I don’t date and I’m not pursuing romantic relationships, so it’s not an issue.
How could aro communities better support you?
Amalthæ: They are already doing a good job for my own needs.
Chris: I guess more stories about us older long term single aros would be awesome for visibility. I’ve always enjoyed hearing people’s stories and experiences.
RC: The Ace and Aro Meetup group by me has started some 30+ zoom hangouts and some other events specifically for older aces and aros and that’s a great start. I can’t really think of anything more that could be done.
When did you discover aromanticism? Do you wish you discovered it sooner or later?
Amalthæ: *gestures vaguely* I don’t exactly remember. But I wish I had learnt about it at the same time I was taught about alloromanticism. I would have been less confused and would have less pressured myself, then. Would have saved me a lot of pain and sweat.
Chris: I discovered aromanticism just after I learned about asexuality in my mid 20’s. I definitely wish I learned about it sooner. Figuring out I was both aro and ace was the biggest light bulb moment. Stuff just made sense from my teens up to that point. That will be 14 years now this Feb.
EG: Oh I wish I discovered it as a teen, it would have been far better. I really found out about it two years ago and it was like a light going on. I’m still figuring out where I fall within it, I think I am grey romantic at most.
Lia: I discovered aromanticism when I was 39 and it took me a while to understand it and identify with it. I do wish I had discovered it sooner because I think it would have saved me a lot of emotional struggle with trying to force feelings and relationships.
RC: I think I found the term about 3-4 years ago? It’s nice to have a term for it, along with a community. I don’t think it would have made much difference if I’d discovered it in say, high school, but I think it would have been nice to have that community when I was in college.
Ryan: I discovered aromanticism at about age 37. I had gone on a date with a demisexual, which I had never heard of, and when I got home I looked it up. I ended up on AVEN’s wiki, and was fascinated by all the asexual identities. While I was clicking through page after page, I came across one link that said “aromantic”. I clicked on that, and lo and behold, it was me! I had never had romantic feelings before, never understood what they were, and thought I was weird for it, but there was a word for that! Suddenly I had a new identity!
I wish I had discovered it much, much sooner. My entire life I had never understood what romance was and had asked others about it, and never received a satisfactory answer. Never received one that I understood. If I had discovered it sooner, I would have navigated my life and relationships differently, and understood myself better.
Do you find that people react a certain way when you tell them that you are aro, and do you think this reaction would be different if you were younger?
Amalthæ: I am lucky enough to interact nowadays mostly with people who are old enough and/or open-minded enough to be able to ask the right questions without judgment. When I was young and assumed I was allo (because people assumed I was allo), I felt pressured enough into engaging in a relationship as it was. I dare not try to imagine what it would have been had I explicitly said that I’m aro…
Chris: I haven’t really come out too much about it. It’s not really anyone’s business but I did have a point in time where I posted a pic of the flag in my fb cover photo and got a private message about it and needed to do a bit of talking. All I really got was “I knew you were geared differently to me but I just didn’t know what or how”, so that was a good experience.
EG: I think people largely assume it’s cynicism: but as an older person they’re less likely to challenge you I think. In that sense we older aros get it easier.
Lia: I don’t actually tell people very often because most people don’t seem to understand it and I am quickly labeled as a robot or unfeeling.
RC: I only told my close friends (and the internet) and it was tricky because none of them had ever heard the term before. It’s one thing for me to say that I’m not interested in romantic coupling, but a couple seemed bothered by the fact there was a term for it. Still, I’m close with them for a reason, so we were able to have good conversations about it. I wouldn’t even dream of trying to explain aromanticism to my family. I think, as a kid, I would have gotten the same “oh it’s a phase” or “you’ll change your mind when you meet somebody” reaction no matter what words I use to explain it.
Ryan: Most people around my age don’t seem to care much. They find it interesting—and in fact by talking about it, many of my fellow Gen X friends have realized they were also aro or arospec—but it’s not a big deal. I’ve lived a long life so far (45 years), and have been in LTRs, so no one is going to tell me, “You just haven’t found the right person yet,” the way they do to younger aros.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other older aros?
Amalthæ: We are here, we are queer, and we’ll support the other, younger aros (and the other way around, because let’s face it, a 20 years old who has 6 years of aro experience has a lot of experience to share with a 40 years old who just realized they are aro)
Chris: You can be long term single and very happy. My life is full of friends and hobbies.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other older aros?
Amalthæ: No, it’s not that I “never found the right one”. No, it’s not that I “gave up on love”. No, I am not “scared by commitment” thank you very much. It’s just that I love people differently. I’d rather know how my affections function and respect that and be happy, rather than follow the “hetero marriage – two children – two cars – two dogs – one house” cliché for the sake of following the cliché. Everybody is made happy by different things. Romantic love makes YOU happy. Cake makes ME happy. To each their own! (and more cake for me!)
Lia: I care deeply about my friends. I don’t need pity for not having the goal of a romantic relationship and I certainly don’t need to be set up with your other single friends.