Pride 2022 – Straight or Hetero Aspecs – Part One

“Straight” is often used to mean the opposite of “queer” or LGBTQIA+, and therefore many people think that straight or hetero people don’t belong in or are not part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Unfortunately, this can impact asexual and aromantic people, as it is possible for them to have heteromantic or heterosexual attraction or desire, or hetero tertiary attraction or desire, even while they are ace, aro, or aroace. For Pride Month, we wanted to shine a light on those aspec people who identify as straight or hetero in any way, as this month is for them as well.

This article is the first of several focused on straight or hetero aspecs – this one includes all asexual people, some of whom are also aromantic, who identify as straight or hetero. One of the next articles will include all aromantic people, some of whom are asexual, who identify as straight.

Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.

Introductions

Chelsea – demisexual and heteroromantic

Hillary (she/her), Age: 33 – identify as Hetero Aromantic Asexual

J.D. –  I am asexual, straight, and essentially grayromantic. 

Madz – I am heteromantic asexual

Rae – Asexual, straight and heteromantic

SableDragonRook – Heteroromantic asexual

Sophie – I am heteroromantic asexual

Questions

Do you like to use the word straight for yourself, or is there another word you prefer?

Chelsea: I mostly use the word straight, particularly when I don’t know if the person knows anything about asexuality. For people who do, I might use heteroromantic. 

Hillary: I do use the word straight, it’s the best way to identify myself on the Ace Spectrum. I simply say, “I’m a Straight Ace”

J.D.: I typically use the word straight for myself, as I suspect most people around me know little about asexuality or would judge me for my orientation. If those around me are aware and accepting of my orientation however, I will gladly use the term asexual. 

Madz: I prefer to say I’m heteromantic not straight

Rae: I am comfortable using the term straight for myself because I am hetero-romantic.

SableDragonRook: It’s fine. I consider myself straight because I’m heteroromantic, even though I think most people attribute “straight” to be a commentary on sexuality and thus incompatible with being ace. Not saying that’s right, that’s just the perception.

Sophie: For me the word straight is fine and I even prefer it to saying ‘heteroromantic’ because it’s easier and shorter. 

Do you identify as queer?

Chelsea: I don’t identify as queer. I agree with activists who explain that any challenge to cisheteronormativity – including aspec – is queer. But because of common understandings of queerness today, I feel like I can’t claim that identity.

J.D.:  No, I personally do not identify as being queer. I feel like queerness should be reserved for folks who are gay, bi, trans, pan, enby, etc., and is not reserved for those who are asexual such as myself. Though I have no problem with other asexuals who identify as queer. My lack of queerness is a personal choice.

Madz: I do identify as queer

Rae: I don’t identify as queer.

SableDragonRook: No. I personally don’t like the word for myself, but it’s great if others find it useful. 

Sophie: Well, I believe that as an ace person I am a part of queer community, however, since I’m straight I don’t really feel like this. 

How does being straight or hetero intersect with being aspec for you?

Chelsea: People assume straight = allo, and I’m much less comfortable coming out to other straight people. It gives me a lot of anxiety about dating, so I just don’t. 

J.D.: It feels truly difficult to be accepted by either the straight or a-spec communities. Straight people have a hard time accepting me, because while I show exclusive attraction to the opposite gender, I show no sexual attraction, and are therefore a misfit. Asexuals have a hard time accepting me, because I do show romantic & physical attraction(though never sexual) attraction to the opposite gender, experiences a-specs cannot relate to. 

Rae: For me, my intersections are that I am straight and asexual, and that’s how I identify.

SableDragonRook: Heteroromantic. Similarly, “straight” means that if I ever do choose activities considered to be sexual, they will be with opposite-sex partners. I’m married, though. 

Sophie: I’ve always seen (e.g. in movies) straight couples basically having sex and all a minute after they met. That was really a relief to me that I actually don’t have to bed anyone, this feeling has a name and I’m not alone. 

How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by being straight or hetero? 

Chelsea: I don’t necessarily say I’m straight. I’m not there because I’m straight. The virtual spaces are affirming because I can find other straight aspecs, especially demis, sharing their experiences. And organizations like TAAAP and AVEN make space for that. 

Hillary: I’m still navigating it myself. I only came out as Ace in July of 2021. I do feel a sense of belonging in the aspec community online, but once I realized that I am also straight, there’s still some reluctance because there isn’t any real information out there about straight aspecs or their place in the aspec community. There is still love in the aspec community for certain though, but it feels like I have to go though more doors to find straight aspecs like me. 

J.D.: Overall good. While most asexuals may not be able to relate to my experiences, they still do their best to show support. I am not nearly as marginalized by them as I am by allo straight people. 

Madz: My experience in aspec communities is impacted because sometimes because people will just automatically assume I’m just straight and say I don’t belong in the community 

Rae: As a straight person, I often feel not ‘ace’ enough to participate or share my experiences within the aspec community.

SableDragonRook: Some ace people can go really hard. Like any discussion of how to achieve balance in a marriage with a straight allo person is met with HOW DARE YOU COMPROMISE, YOU DON’T VALUE YOURSELF, YOU’RE NOT REALLY ACE, MEN SUCK. 

Sophie: I was very confused at first, when I found out about asexuality. I was relating to the term, but I told myself ‘I like opposite gender so I can’t be asexual’ and I stopped researching only to find out two years later that other types of attraction exist and I actually CAN feel like this, also towards opposite gender. 

How is your experience in queer communities impacted by being straight or hetero? 

Chelsea: I usually feel like queer spaces aren’t for me, especially as a Black person in a predominantly white city. I’m most comfortable in queer Christian spaces, which is where I first started thinking/talking about sexuality in a meaningful way. 

Madz: Same as above they say I’m just basically straight and don’t belong in the community (hence me not liking the term straight)

Rae: I personally don’t identify as queer, so I have no issue with being excluded from the queer community. However, if there are aspec people who do identify as queer, they should be able to label themselves that way.

SableDragonRook: Sorta feels like I don’t “count.” Like you need to have additional identities in order to truly be part of the LGBTQ+, and so if I’m straight, I’m “normal” and I shouldn’t be here. 

Sophie: A lot of people don’t know that queer can include hetero. I didn’t know either to be honest and it caused a lot of confusion and thoughts that something is wrong with me. 

How is your experience with other straight or hetero people impacted by being aspec?

Chelsea: There are lots of assumptions made, conversations that I don’t/can’t participate in, and experiences they share that I don’t relate to or understand. They think I’m uncomfortable talking about sex or that I’m not straight but won’t say so. 

Hillary: I’ve had lots of questions thrown at me about where I fit in the aspec community, but mostly in the queer community too. “So you’re gay?” “Why would you call yourself Ace and straight at the same time?” I would answering these questions, but it can also show the lack of knowledge in that category. 

J.D.: Straight people oftentimes ignore me when I come out to them, when they are otherwise supportive of other queer people coming out. I feel like I have an invisible sexuality. 

Madz: Accepting that although I’m romantically attracted to males I’m still ace and still a part of the community 

Rae: I get along well with my straight friends because I share a romantic orientation with them. However, occasionally I feel that I cannot relate to them in terms of my sexual orientation.

SableDragonRook: Like I’m just in a “normal” marriage because haha lol isn’t it a joke that the wife never gives as much sex as the husband wants because she always has a headache.

Sophie: I haven’t had any experience yet, but I am honestly afraid to be in a relationship with allo man. I just have fear of not being accepted or being forced to do things I don’t want to do. 

How could aspec communities better support you?

Chelsea: Appreciate the intersection of asexuality and religion/spirituality. I think that’s what complicates my relationship with the aspec community the most as a straight person. People might be doubly skeptical of my aspec identity being also straight and Christian. 

Hillary: Giving out more information, or providing more avenues for those who are straight in the aspec community. There are others, like me, who might be afraid to fully explain where they lie on the Ace spectrum and if they will be accepted, truly accepted. 

J.D.: A-spec communities can be more supportive, by realizing that asexuality is not a strict binary definition, but a robust colourful spectrum that many can be a part of. 

Madz: Same as the top just understand I belong in the community just as much as they do

Rae: The aspec communities that I have seen are all very open and accepting, so I would just say continue to support all aspec and aspec-questioning people.

SableDragonRook: Less gatekeeping. Let’s not worry about running down a checklist of how well someone conforms to your idea of ace. It’s not your place to tell me who I am or how I should be handling it.

Sophie: Raise awareness! I haven’t seen many sources of information about straight aspecs, usually it’s about particularly asexuality/aromanticity. That’s why I was really confused. 

How could queer communities better support you?

Chelsea: Queer communities could be explicit, intentional, and consistent in their support and welcome of aspecs. That’s what I look for before engaging a particular queer community. And for me that intention also has to include antiracism. 

Hillary: There are still some taboos and stigmas of straights not belonging in the community because they are not considered queer. There should be a sense of comradery and unity for everyone under the aspec umbrella, whether they are straight or queer, or even with those with no libidos and those with high libidos. 

Madz: It’s very difficult because like other identities, being in a straight passing relationship feels like it can erase our identity

Rae: Please accept and respect aspec people and listen to their experiences. If they identify as queer, please allow them to enter the community as you would with any other person.

SableDragonRook: Stop joking about how aces are “on thin ice” when it comes to inclusion. In other words, “You’re basically ‘normal’ so we don’t need to pay as much attention to you.”

Sophie: Acknowledge, first ace and aro people, and then that hetero people, either on aro or ace spec, exist in queer community. 

What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?

Chelsea: Even though our experiences differ based on how others view us in the world, that doesn’t mean our asexuality impacts us less than yours. 

Hillary: I do wish that aspec people knew there are straight aces out there, we do exist and we want to be recognized amongst the rest of the aspec community. I’ve seen some articles and blogs claiming that straight aces are not really a part of the queer community because they are not queer. It’s disheartening, making it harder to hetero – aspecs to let their voices be heard and feel a part of the community. 

J.D.: I wish that other asexuals knew that we want to be accepted and respected, just like every other member of the community.

Rae: We are just as aspec as people with different romantic orientations. We have similar experiences to any other aspec person and deserve respect. Please allow us within aspec spaces.

SableDragonRook: That I’m not less ace for being willing to try to compromise on physical intimacy with my husband. That being straight and ace is not the same as “just a stereotypical relationship.” That I’m still valid even if my relationship presents as “standard.”

Sophie: We experience attraction in the same way every aspec person does and it is not limited to one certain way of being attracted to someone. Also, straight aspecs are queer, have place in queer community and can identify as queer. 

What do you wish allo people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?

Chelsea: My favorite demi saying is “assume nothing” because you really can’t. An aspec label says little about an individual’s relationship with sex and sensuality. But we don’t owe you an explanation.

J.D.: I wish that other allos knew that we are not making up an orientation for attention, and that we want to be loved and respected, just like everybody else. 

Madz: I wish allos knew that we aren’t broken or that we are liars if we are in a relationship and that not aces are aromantic and not all aromantics are ace. We exist just as much as they do and have a right to be proud of who we are

Rae: Again, we are just as aspec as people with different romantic orientations. If an aspec person feels comfortable with an aspec identity, please respect that.

SableDragonRook: That I’m not a prude or being cruel to my husband. That no, it’s not a hormone thing. That love is not the same as sex, and intimacy is determined by the individuals involved, not necessarily sexual acts.

Sophie: We may have a lot inconvenient for allo people boundaries. Don’t be harsh, we can love as much as allos and we show love in many other ways. Please, talk with us about boundaries, we will try to find something that suits both sides and remember, every person on ace spectrum has different needs and desires. Asexual doesn’t necessarily equals no sex at all. 

How do you show pride?

Hillary: Being my true self when I interact with people, offering to give information about myself to anyone who does ask and show no sign of being afraid or negative about my identity. If I can be a advocate in some way for another Hetero-Aromantic Asexual, then I will!

Lastly, being brave enough to be a person that someone can talk or come out to, showing the love and safety that Pride can bring to everyone, straight or queer!

J.D.: I show my pride by giving my respect and acceptance to queer people, and flying the rainbow flag out of solidarity.

Madz: LOTS OF PURPLE, my ace heart necklace and tons of cake and ace memes

Rae: Physically, by wearing my black ring on the middle finger of my right hand. Internally, by accepting myself and connecting with my fellow ace friends.

SableDragonRook: By being willing to talk about asexuality openly so that people can ask questions whenever they want.