As part of Bisexual Awareness Week, we are posting more Aspec Voices articles about bi aspecs. This article focuses on ace-spectrum people who identify as bisexual, biromantic, or bi-aligned in some other way. Thanks again to all our contributors!
Introductions
Alex – Asexual, biromantic
Amandine (she/her) – I’m asexual and bisexual.
Daisy – I am bi ace. I actually would say lesbian leaning, biromantic, sex-repulsed asexual! But bi ace works.
Marta – asexual arospike biromantic
Rosa – Bi ace
Vic – asexual and and bi-aesthetic (is that a thing?) and questioning bi-romantic
Questions
How do you feel connected to/define your bi identity?
Alex: There are people from multiple genders I consider nice to look at and maybe even somehow attractive but never in a sexual way.
Amandine: I identify as bisexual instead of biromantic because I sometimes feel slight sexual attraction / fantasize on men and women. This part of my identity is really important for me personally.
Daisy: I am biromantic but before I understood myself as asexual just identified as bi.
Marta: Since the main type of attraction I feel is platonic, I find myself comfortable with the identities of arospike biromantic though I usually only use the biromantic tag. The gender identity of a person isn’t relevant to me when it comes to platonic and romantic attraction, it just… happens! And I live it very intensely both of them.’
Rosa: I’m biromantic, which to me means I am romantically attracted to people of my own gender or other genders. I use bi instead of pan because the gender of the person I’m dating matters to me and factors into my attraction to them.
Vic: I find all bodies physically/aesthetically beautiful. I also am kind of flirty and romantic with anyone. Most of my interaction are platonic but I have have found wanting close relationships with both men and women.
How does being bi or bi-aligned intersect with being ace for you?
Alex: As I said my attention for someone is never sexual. I think they are nice to look at, they are pretty or I would like to know how to style my hair like that person (e.g.) but I never think of getting intimate or kissing a person or something. Especially with a person I don’t know I think that would be really gross and awkward.
Amandine: For me it is a complicated intersection because it has sometimes made me doubt about being ace; I thought maybe I was not asexual but just lesbian and men were just not right for me…It was a bit confusing for a time.
Daisy: I’m not sure about this. I generally feel like being ace limits the potential for relationship partners. The way I’ve experienced bi-ness is more like, not feeling fully met (especially in relationships with men) and seen as not queer enough. I guess both of these parts of myself contribute to being seen as not queer enough.
Marta: It was very confusing at first. Since I am asexual and biromantic it was very important to me learning about both identities so I could have the words to start talking to myself about my feelings and reflecting on them. It took me quite a while but now I feel very proud of who I am and I am sure there’s even more stuff I need to learn yet! I still feel confused about my chaotic romantic identity, but I am enjoying this adventure.
Rosa: I do not experience sexual attraction towards any gender and identify as biromantic ace.
Vic: It took awhile to figure it all out. I’m bi, but not sexually attracted to anyone. I want romance, but rarely want anything sexual. Finding split attraction made it easier to navigate.
How is your experience in ace communities impacted by being bi or bi-aligned?
Alex: I am not all to active in ace communities but when I am I prefer to talk about myself and not my sexual and romantic relationships. This is also a thing cause there’re often also aro people in these communities and I wouldn’t like to make them uncomfortable. I have a girlfriend and I sometimes have celebrity crushes or something but I don’t have t9 bother other ace and aro people with that since I have other people to speak to.
Amandine: It has had no impact so far! The online communities I frequent accept wholeheartedly and without reserve that the members can be hetero, bi, gay, pan, etc.
Daisy: I haven’t known many ace folks in person, only online. So much of what you see online limits the experience of ace-ness to the aspect of attraction. I don’t even think about attraction. I experience my ace-ness as a total disinterest in and discomfort with sex, like it’s simply not part of my being. But I am relationally oriented. So at least online I feel separated from the ace community by the excessive emphasis on the experience of attraction while ignoring other parts of the ace experience.
Marta: The ace community I belong to is primarily local and I enjoy talking with my ace friends because some of them are as confused as I am sometimes so it’s natural we are all very open-minded while talking about romanticism.
Rosa: I think the ace community in general is very aware that a lot of ace people are also queer in some other way, so being bi in ace spaces feels quite normal. A lot of ace people seem to have identified as bi at some point.
Being bi has also lead to me never questioning if I actually belong to the queer community, which made it easier maybe to identify as ace in the first place. Of course all ace people belong to the LGBTQIA+ community, but being bi anyways probably made it easier for me.
Vic: I haven’t been a part of communities yet. I think most wouldn’t realize I’m ace by how I act.
How is your experience with other bi people or in bi communities impacted by being ace?
Alex: I have absolutely no experience with bi communities. My little step sister is bi and I love her and she is super nice and happy that I’m bi to but also knows since I’m also ace we have totally different experiences. But there has never been something bad about that.
Amandine: Ace communities tend to not care at all that I’m bi, but when I communicate with other bi / LGBT+ persons, they tend to take interest in my ace identity and ask a lot of invasive questions (just like non-LGBT+ persons)… It makes me uncomfortable so I prefer to stay in ace communities rather than larger “LGBT+” communities.
Daisy: Again, I’ve known many fewer bi folks than gay/lesbian/pan. So my experience is mostly limited to online. It feels like bi people are frequently misrepresented as hyper sexualized, when not completely erased. So the bi ace experience is not really seen.
Marta: Unfortunately, I haven’t approached the bi community yet maybe for fear to be rejected because of my asexuality even though one of my best friends is bisexual and knows about my identity and can chat about it without any problems. For the moment I feel safer in the ace community.
Rosa: I’m not always very comfortable in bi spaces because I think “bi” is still mostly a shortcut for “bisexual”. I haven’t experienced a lot of pushback for existing in those spaces, however I still fell like bi aces are an afterthought or the exception to the rule. In other words I don’t feel really included because bi aces mostly aren’t acknowledged by the bi community. Most bi people are very nice about it when the issue is pointed out, but I’m sad that aces have to constantly remind people in our own communities that we do in fact exist. Lately I haven’t felt like I’m part of the bi community and mostly experience my bi identity as a technicality.
Vic: It made high school interesting because I hadn’t heard ace or knew I was ace. I knew I liked both visually. It was this thought of liking men and women but not like that.
Which did you identify with first, bi or ace? Whichever came second, did it make you question or change the first one?
Alex: I knew I was bi first. When I realised I am ace I thought of what that means for my bi identity since I didn’t know the terms biromantic, panromantic, homoromantic, … at first. But I always knew that being ace doesn’t erase my “biness”. I just didn’t always have a term for how I felt.
Amandine: I identified first as bi. When I discovered I was ace I questioned a bit whether I was really bi or not but finally, the ace identity took a prominent part and “overshadowed” this questioning.
Daisy: I identified as bi for maybe 20 years before learning about asexuality. It did not make me question the first at all. It was validating in every way.
Marta: I first identify as asexual and then as biromantic. My biromanticism identity never questioned my asexuality to the point that even before knowing about asexuality I didn’t identify as bisexual and by the time I started to acknowledge my nature I had had a few romantic crushes already!
Rosa: I identified as bi before I identified as ace, although I technically already knew I was ace but hadn’t acknowledged it yet. Identifying as ace absolutely made me question whether I was really bi or if I had convinced myself of something that wasn’t real – maybe my attraction to people of a different gender than mine was just societal pressure, maybe my attraction to the same gender as mine was just for “attention”, maybe I had convinced myself I was cooler than I actually am.
However, I’ve come to the conclusion that I really am bi AND ace. I’m really into all the genders while ALSO not experiencing sexual attraction. I now often simply identify as Queer because it feels easier.
Vic: In high school I questioned being bi but it just didn’t fit right. In college I discovered ace and it just fit. Knowing the split attraction, I’m now questioning not just sexuality but my romantic and other attractions. I think it’s ok to constantly be questioning and discovering yourself. Finding ace did make me change what I identify and it has lead to questioning other aspects.
How can ace communities best support you?
Alex: Doesn’t matter if ace or bi or whatever community, the best support is to just accept the differences between us and celebrate ourselves together.
Amandine: I’m just happy to see other people being ace, to know that I’m not alone ! I also like a lot to find resources like PDF, cartoons, etc. created by the community to spread awareness. It’s comforting.
Daisy: The only answer I have to this is I wish there wasn’t such a narrow common description of asexuality. It’s more nuanced than just not being attracted to people. It feels very flat most of the time in its depiction by online creator people.
Vic: Split attraction is a thing and should be talked about more. You can be ace and a number of other things. Let’s not limit anyone.
What do you wish aces knew about you or other ace bi or bi-aligned people?
Alex: No clue…that we exist?
Amandine: Nothing special.
Daisy: Not sure. Again I’ve only known 1 other ace person in real life.
Marta: Asexuality is such a complex identity that embraces so many experiences that are equally valid and this makes it so beautiful.
Rosa: Honestly, that we exist! And that while being ace and bi can be conflicting, they are not mutually exclusive identities.
Vic: Many people use multiple labels. There are ace people that use other sexuality labels to describes who they’ll have sex with if they do. There are ace people who want romance. There is queerplatonic.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other ace bi or bi-aligned people?
Alex: Not everybody feels the same way about sex and that’s ok. Also you can still say someone looks good or is hot or something and be ace. Just because we use the same words as allos doesn’t have to mean we want to say the same things. We just never learned
Amandine: First, that we exist ! It would just be nice if they weren’t so surprised each time I say I’m ace AND bi… But for me it is mainly related to my ace identity, nothing specific to the combination of ace and bi.
Daisy: I wish allo people understood that relationships that are defined by sexual connection are very one dimensional. And that we are here?
Marta: I wish allo people would educate themselves about asexuality and even if they don’t understand its complexity, just respect it, because lots of the uneasy moments we as aces have to deal with happen because of misinformation and false myths. If asexuality was (properly) talked about in sexual education classes, this would change for sure.
Rosa: I’d like allo people to know that bi ace people exist but also that our identities can be messy sometimes, because they can be hard to identify.
Vic: Learn how multiple labels work and why that person is using them and how.
What do you wish other bi people knew about you or other ace bi or bi aligned people?
Alex: Being ace and bi works together.
For the last 3 Questions basically every identity is valid. And if you don’t understand what someone is feeling just ask. Most people will try to explain because we all want to be understood.
Amandine: Just because I don’t have sex with men and women doesn’t mean I’m not bi…Again it is more related to the validity of my ace identity.
Daisy: Not sure. Overall I wish more bi and ace folks were talking about their experience and taking up more space so we could find each other.
Marta: I would like to feel welcomed in the bi community the same way I feel safe inside the ace community and I want them to know being biromantic feels very chaotic too and I want to share my experience with all of them!
Rosa: I think I would like other bi people to know that being bi is not necessarily a straightforward thing, because identifying as bi may not be all there is to someone’s attraction. In other words, I’d like bi people to be more aware of the split attraction model, and generally know that biromantic people exist.Vic: Not all bi people will want the sex part. I just want the romance part.