As part of Bisexual Awareness Week, we are posting more Aspec Voices articles about bi aspecs. This article focuses on aro-spectrum people who identify as bisexual, biromantic, or bi-aligned in some other way. Thanks again to all our contributors!
Introductions
Alex – Aromantic Bisexual
Ava – My identities are aromantic and bisexual
Marie – (she/her), bisexual and aromantic. Also English isn’t my first language so I am sorry for any grammar and vocabulary mistakes in here.
Mary Kate – I’m asexual aromantic, I guess greyromantic if you want more specific. I’m bi romantic or bi-aligned, I actually just picked that up from your questions but if fits quite well so thank you 🙂
Michelle Ridge – Bisexual, Demiromantic
Questions
How do you feel connected to/define your bi identity?
Alex: It’s pretty simple for me. I’m sexually attracted to multiple genders. Men, women, and anything between, outside, around- I just think people are sexy.
Ava: I would define it as being sexually attracted to all genders.
Marie: I refer to myself as bisexual because I am sexually attracted to people of all genders (and no gender). I don’t feel that connected to the pan label because some people use it in the sense of not noticing gender, not having a preference etc. While I personally really have a tendency to be attracted to people who are either somewhat androgynous/ genderqueer or femme (but I am also rarely attracted to more masc presenting folks). So I prefer to label my sexuality as bi or bi+ when around people who might understand the latter.
Mary Kate: Romantic attraction is rare for me but I have been attracted to people of various genders in the past so for me being bi is the potential to be attracted to people of any gender.
Michelle Ridge: As a bisexual person, I am attracted to more than one gender. So far in my journey I have been sexually attracted to both men and women though I am open to the possibility of being sexually attracted to non-binary people as well.
How does being bi or bi-aligned intersect with being aro for you?
Alex: I’m not sure they entirely do, other than that they’re both part of me, you know? The two don’t seem to have a ton to do with each other. Like, they both impact the experience of the other, but I don’t think they’re super related, if that makes any sense. They’re just both things that happen to apply to me.
Marie: My bisexuality (or just being allosexual in general) made it more difficult for me to figure I am aromantic. Apart from that the combination of being polysexual, aromantic and female definitely isn’t the most accepted combination in patriarchy. Men will interpret your orientations as a replacement for consent. Which they’re not obviously. Only consent is consent.
Mary Kate: I consider myself bi in the sense that when I experience romantic attraction I experienced it in a bi way, but that romantic attraction doesn’t happen often.
Michelle Ridge: Being a bisexual, demiromantic person seems simple to me conceptually but not in practice. Since I need a deeper emotional connection to someone to even begin to develop feelings of infatuation or other romantic phases, that collides with my difficulty with socializing with women. I have always found it much easier to carry conversations with men, mostly because of what my social environment was like in school and growing up, and thus have had more opportunities to develop emotional bonds with men than women. Even more so I find that it’s difficult to find moments of vulnerability with queer women to figure out if they are only sexually attracted versus interested in developing emotional connections that could lead to romance.
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by being bi or bi-aligned?
Alex: In addition to the usual alloarophobia and sex negativity that’s still fairly common in aro spaces, I do occasionally encounter typical biphobia. Not necessarily directed at me, but I see it around. People assuming all bisexuals are “slutty” or irresponsible, acting like you’re straight if you have an “opposite-gender” partner and gay if you have a “same-gender” partner, acting like bisexuality is some sort of consolation prize compared to being gay, etc.
Ava: I feel somewhat left out of aro communities because I am not asexual. While I understand that the majority of aromantics are asexual statistically, I wish aromantic communities could focus more on aromanticism and not lump asexuality in.
Marie: I’m not really in touch with aro communities (yet). I only ever talk about being aromantic with aroace queerplatonic relationship who is the loveliest person ever and accepts me as I am. Representation-wise on the other hand I feel like both inside and outside of aro communities there is rarely representation of allo aro people . So it would be great to see more of them (e.g. with features like this one).
Mary Kate: I don’t know that many aro people and the communities I am a part of online are for both aromantic and asexual people, so I can’t distinguish between the two. The two people I do know who are aro both identify as aroace, one of them is sapphic aroace. These friends both helped me to understand that aromanticism is a spectrum that can include so many different experiences.
It’s through talking with these two people that I was able to let go of my questioning whether I was ‘fully’ aromantic and embrace being aromantic as part of my identity because it fits much better with my experience of life. Because of these interactions, I think being bi-aligned in aro communities has been a positive experience and provoked conversations that were really meaningful to me and for the people I was talking with.
Michelle Ridge: To be honest I have not been able to connect with other demiromantic folks because I just came out this year. Still learning to navigate how to find queer communities online and the pandemic has really not helped with any of this, and so far I have only been able to readily find aromantic folks and not demiromantic folks.
How is your experience with other bi people or in bi communities impacted by being aro?
Alex: A lot of people just don’t know what aromanticism is. Which like, I guess I can understand that, but it gets tiring having to not only constantly come out but also constantly explain what my orientation even means. And then sometimes I have to deal with arophobia anyway, so… It can be a bit hard to feel included in the community sometimes.
Ava: I cannot relate to a lot of other bisexual people because of my aromanticism, which can make me feel ostracised. I don’t feel like I fit in in bi communities because I lack romantic attraction, and that seems to be the focus of these communities.
Marie: I don’t really feel that comfy in the mainstream LGBTQ movement because it is so focused on being respectable. And this is how I feel about most alloromantic bisexual people as well. I feel like I’m just the black sheep to their messages and therefore not really welcome. I know some decent bi people though that I feel comfy around.
Mary Kate: I do wonder if my bi friends still see me as being bi. Sometimes in conversations when they refer to being bi or mention who in our friend group is bi, I’m excluded. When I first identified as solely bi, I felt a sense of connection with those friends because of our shared identity but now that I have told them I’m aroace, I think they might see that as canceling out my bi-ness. I don’t see it that way, for me biromanticism aromanticism asexuality all overlap. But I think if I have a conversation about that with my friends they would want to listen and hear about my experience even if they can’t fully understand it themselves.
Michelle Ridge: Similar response as the previous question though when talking with other bisexual folks the concept of romance hasn’t really come up. Most of the casual chats come from a thirsty, sexual standpoint or perspective.
Which did you identify with first, bi or aro? Whichever came second, did it make you question or change the first one?
Alex: Honestly, it was kinda both at the same time? Like, I knew I was into people sexually, but I didn’t think I qualified “as” anything since I didn’t experience romantic attraction. I thought there was just something wrong with me. Once I realized you could be aro and not ace, it was an immediate oh, I guess I’m aro and bi then!
Ava: Being aromantic made figuring out my sexual identity quite confusing. I was always attracted to all genders growing up, but I only ever felt “crushes” for men (I am a woman). Thus, I assumed I was straight and just appreciated how beautiful other genders were. As I got older, I realized my feelings weren’t “crushes” but were actually me trying to conform with how society and my peers wanted me to feel. I then realized that I was aromantic, and in turn realized that I was bisexual because I was actually attracted to all genders in the same way(sexually, not romantically). Since I don’t have romantic feelings, I think my younger self “defaulted” to being straight because that was what society and media told me to do. So even though I’ve always been bi and aro, I didn’t realize my attraction to genders other than men because I didn’t have romantic attraction. And when I realized I didn’t have romantic attraction to men either, I finally realized my sexuality.
Marie: As a teenager I felt some confusion between being bi and lesbian but I labeled myself bi for most of the time since around 10 years now. I refer to myself as aromantic for around half a year now. So yes, one of those (bisexual) was defintely used before the other (aromantic). The second label didn’t really make me question the first.
Mary Kate: I identified first as bi, than as asexual and biromantic and now as aromantic asexual and bi. It took me a while of questioning if i was ‘really’ aro and realising I was did make me question wheither I was ‘really’ bi. Sometimes with people I don’t know very well I will say or let them assume I am bi because that feels a bit safer than explaining that I’m aroace, which I do feel bad about because it feels like a bit of a betrayal to myself and my authenticity and I also feel bad that I might be appropriating bisexual identity. But, really I do identity as being bi aswell as well as aroace so I think I should be allowed to tell people as much or as little of that information as I choose.
Michelle Ridge: I identify as bisexual first, and figuring out my relationship with romance has actually helped me accept the concept of sexuality as being able to exist separately from romance. Much of the discourse surrounding heterosexuality seems to conflate the two and it’s just not true for everyone. I think if we thought more deeply about our own needs sexually and romantically without making them dependent on each other by default we’d be much happier.
How can aro communities best support you?
Alex: Learn about alloarophobia, learn about biphobia. And just as important, call these things out when you see them! Don’t just sit by and let it happen, don’t laugh at biphobic jokes, don’t talk about how weird and gross people who experience sexual attraction are. You see someone saying that shit? Tell them it’s not cool. Also if you see someone call Green Day “straight allies” smack them around a lil.
Ava: Aro communities can best support me by understanding that you don’t have to be ace to be aro. I’ve felt like the minority in the aro community for a long time because I’m not ace, so I think it would be better if the two weren’t as strongly linked. It would make me feel more welcome in the aro community.
Marie: I just want to be accepted as aromantic no matter my sexual orientation & I don’t want to be considered ethically inferior because I enjoy and have sex.
Mary Kate: I have felt really supported in aro communities. All of the ones I’m a part of promote the idea that there’s is no one way to be aro and I really appreciate that. I love that my identity and experience as an aroace person can be different from other people who also identity this way. If our communities keep celebrating that amongst ourselves and spreading that message to others I will be very happy!
Michelle Ridge: I’d love to hear more from the aro community about the deeper question of emotional connection as a determining factor for experiencing romance and how this fits in (or not) for aromantic folks. Being demiromantic I can imagine what romance feels like with someone I have an emotional bond with but it would be enlightening for me to know if aro communities can explain where emotional bonds cease to be romantic.
What do you wish aros knew about you or other aro bi or bi-aligned people?
Alex: No, we’re not all Jack Harkness type characters, but honestly even if we were? It’s none of your business. People are allowed to have sex. People are allowed to find other people sexually attractive. It doesn’t make us predators or stupid, so please don’t treat us like we are. Not to be all “we’re just like you!” but literally we’re just normal people, guys. Cmon.
Mary Kate: For me aroace people taught me that’s is possible to also be bi-aligned so the communities I’m a part of already know about me quite well. Maybe I would say to asexual and aromantic people or communities who are trying to teach allo people about being aro and ace that I understand the impulse to simplify those identities for that audience as asexuality and aromantasism are new concepts for many allo people but doing so can miss so much of the richness and variety of experiences within our community and even if our identities are a bit more complicated we also deserve representation.
Michelle Ridge: While I am sexually attracted to both men and women, I’m still learning what it means to develop emotional bonds with women such that it could turn to romance. Being newly out and also limited in my exposure to romantic stories that have two women as the main focus, I don’t have a great image in my mind of what two women in romance look like. Even from a simply sexual standpoint it’s quite difficult to read and communicate these things with women and I hope I — and we — get better at it in the future!
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aro bi or bi-aligned people?
Alex: Just because I’m not interested in romance doesn’t mean I’m not interested in sex, or that I’m not interested in other things, or not fun to be around! Yeah, I’m interested in hookups, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be mean about it, you know? Aro people still have manners. And I would love to hang out as friends if our personalities align.
Ava: I wish more allo people knew what aromanticism is! So many people I interact with have never heard of it, and I get tired of having to explain my identity to so many people. Also, just because someone is aro and bi doesn’t mean they sleep around. That is a stereotype for both aromantic and bisexual people, and it needs to be thrown out. Plus, if one is bisexual, aromantic, or both, and they sleep around, there’s nothing wrong with that!
Marie: Once again: the combination of my orientations doesn’t make me ethically inferior. The fact that I don’t feel romantic attraction and am not interested in romantic relationships doesn’t mean I don’t have commited and loving relationships in my life. (While it is a legit choice, too, if people aren’t interested in that.)
Mary Kate: That we exist! I wish that allo people and the wider world knew that aromanticism, asexuality, including orientated aro and ace identities were part of vast and varied possibilities of human sexuality, attraction, love ect. Dismantling heteronormativity so that all queer identities are embraced would be my ultimate wish.
Michelle Ridge: Just because I can freely be sexually attracted to more than one gender without being romantically involved or interested doesn’t make me callous or without feeling. Requiring an emotional bond or connection to someone before becoming infatuated or having all those reward chemicals coursing through me also doesn’t mean that any sexual activity with men or women is robotic.
What do you wish other bi people knew about you or other aro bi or bi aligned people?
Alex: That we exist, mostly, and we deserve to be included in bi spaces. We’re here too and we’re in this fight together, so please treat us that way.
Ava: Being bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean having romantic attraction to multiple genders. I wish bi people knew about the SAM and how not all bisexuals identify as biromantic.
Marie: This is to allo bis but also allo gays, allo lesbians and all allo polysexuals: If you say “love is love” you shouldn’t just talk about who all romantic love has the same value but also about how platonic and queerplatonic love is just as valuable. Don’t center your activism on being respectable, on stressing how “normal” you are. Stress that all queer people earn the same fundamental rights and dignity no matter how weird they are by society’s norms.
Mary Kate: I wish bi people knew that aroace bi people can exist also. Being aroace definitely colours my experience of being bi, so I might be bi in a different way than allo bi people are. But we still have shared experience and understanding that connect us and our differences can be a strength also.
Michelle Ridge: Being a demiromantic bisexual can be a slow burn, especially when potential partners expect some kind of romance to be intertwined into sexual attraction or activity. The expectations that sometimes linger from heterosexual norms and media can unfortunately misinform body language or communication, which can really kill the vibe (if there is one to start with). Requiring emotional bonds of someone before you feel comfortable performing acts of romance, for example, can seem like too high of an expectation and sometimes people just bounce right off before anything has even started. It’s quite discouraging.