Aspec communities are often dominated by white people and people from the US and Europe, so this article focuses on the experiences and perspectives of ace and aro people from Latin America or with Latin American heritage. We are posting it on September 30 to celebrate the several Central and South American countries that won independence in September (Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Mexico and Chile). Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
C – I identify as Asexual and Aromantic. I use the terms Latina, Chicana, and Mexican-American to describe my ethnic identity.
E (she/her) – Ace and Aro, half-mexican, half-european.
Larissa – Brazilian aspec; Ethnicity is a tricky question because most Brazilians are a mix of indigenous peoples, former slaves and europeans.
Mariana (she/her) – I’m asexual. I was born and raised in México.
MN – Aspec identities: demi gray romantic apothisexual. From: born and living in Uruguay.
Noche – I do not use any pronouns, but I’m okay with they/them in English (Not in Spanish, though). I’m from Chile and I’ve lived here my entire life. I don’t tend to use labels but I’m okay with saying I’m demisexual, bi and greyromantic.
Vane – Aspec, from Venezuela
Veronica – I am Mexican-American, and I identify as Aromantic Asexual
Questions
How does your race or ethnicity intersect with your orientation?
C: My identities make it harder for me to be open about anything that relates to either identity. I already feel isolated from the Latino community since I am often made to feel like I’m not “this or that” enough, but being Aro Ace makes it worse. To this day I know no other Latino Aspecs in my life. Not one. Even online, I almost never see any other Latino Aspecs. So I feel I can’t really talk to anyone about how both of my identities intertwine in my life and why I often find myself alone when facing certain issues.
E: This question was difficult to answer because, how could I explain something that has been normal to me my whole life but had to unlearn later in life? I think that living in Europe I experienced a different perspective of Latin America that the one that I was taught, for example: latin americans are viewed as sexy, provocative, passionate and I didn’t want to be like that, so I neglected that part of myself and avoided any kind of contact with my roots. Meanwhile, specifically in Mexico, there’s a huge Christian background and I was taught about purity culture (saving myself for marriage, waiting until I find the one), colorism, homophobia and viewing women´s desire as a bad thing.
In Europe (I won’t say the country because I want to keep it anonymous) I saw that this country was viewed as open-minded, friendly with all types of diversity, even though there’s racism, homophobia and misogyny. Also, there is a fetishism with other races and I had to experience that firsthand.
Both cultures had an effect in me: problems with self-acceptance, not knowing where I belong, neglecting my roots as I experienced different kinds of prejudice, aggression and hate in both countries, feeling that pressure to find my soulmate while at the same time being judged if I showed some kind of not normative behaviour and, also, expecting to be submissive and pure.
Both taught me that I should be a family-oriented person, because without a family, who could take care of you in times of need? Who are you without a family? I knew that this kind of thinking is perjudicial. Family and finding that special someone was linked and I felt repulsión towards making a family on my own… Later in life, I discovered that there are different types of family and I could still find a refuge of acceptance in a QPR and co-parent.
While Mexico was a “superstitious Christian” (“Don´t trust anyone, only your family, just in case there´s someone envious…”) this European country was a “Christian devotee” (“Love for family is the biggest thing in the world” “True love is spiritual”) made me feel that friendships were not that important, that people only loved you if there’s was a romantic relationship or if they were family. I wish that people from other sexual and romantic orientations have their right and feel accepted in different spiritual communities, we have that right and we need to be accepted totally, without erasing parts of ourselves.
How could I accept myself completely if both cultures hated different parts of myself? My accent (that disappeared long ago due to this), my lips and my facial features being hypersexualized in one country and being not normative enough hated in this country. It took me years to accept myself as being mixed/biracial and being asexual, but it’s taking me a lot of time accepting that I´m also aromantic. I still want to find a QPR and make a family together, even if that means being not so normative.
Larissa: I don’t think it does. From my perspective my aspec and Latin American identities are conflicting.
Mariana: Machismo culture is deeply rooted in México, in which women are heavily exposed to thinking that we lack sexual desire, that we don’t think sexually of the gender we like. This confuses many aspec women in Latin América, and it makes it more difficult for us to discover our sexuality.
Noche: Considering I’m a Chilean living in Chile, in IRL spaces I don’t consider myself a ethnic minority, so there isn’t really a notable intersection on that front. In online spaces it may be different, particularly when surrounded by those who are not from LatAm, since… I guess I don’t wanna talk about experiences regarding homophobia or acephobia without skewing whatever prejudice the other person may already have about our culture being less accepting of queer identities.
Vane: Honestly, my race, which is brown (Morena), it has not interfered with my orientations
Veronica: I think a very prominent stereotype of Latin American women, such as myself, is that we’re all these super flirty, highly sexualized, “temptresses” for lack of a better word. We’re often seen as “exotic” and “sexy”, so the thought of a Latina woman being asexual would sound impossible to some people.
How has your experience in aspec communities been impacted by your race or ethnicity?
C: It has been lonely at times. Although I am glad to have found others who can relate to the aspect of being AroAce, I seldom find anyone talking about being both AroAce and Latino. I have a hard time articulating my feelings and what I want to say at times, so I usually go on the web to find others I can relate to. Despite how large the Latino community is, I’ve found hardly any posts online discussing us. Perhaps I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places, but either way I see almost no representation from the Aspec community, especially the larger informational Aspec platforms who could be sharing Latino and other POC voices but really don’t.
E: They assume I´m white because I identify as an aroace. Yes, of course there’s white people identifying like that, but also there are black people, latin american people and so much mure. There’s a lot of diversity and we can´t just assume that a “new” or lesser known sexual and romantic orientation is just white. I still have trouble with this because I can pass as white, but as soon as I say that my mother is mexican, there’s a list of thoughts and behaviours that are immediately linked to me or just expect them to being racist towards my mother.
Larissa: Not all aspecs come from similar backgrounds, but in my experience aspecs from minorities have a lot more similarities than we expect. I’ve been very welcomed in online aro and ace spaces and I’m glad for it.
Mariana: I only belong to one aspec community in Puebla, Mexico; but it’s been just fine. I don’t have much of a reference with other ethnicity communities, but I do feel like we’re a close-knitted group.
MN: I haven’t had many experiences with the aspec communities due to the fact that I live in a small country where aspec identities aren’t well known, but from the little experience I have it’s been pretty nice to get to know other aros and aces
Noche: I don’t particularly hang out in “ace specific” spaces, IRL or online. I’m closeted in the former, and in the latter I have no experience.
Vane: It has been hard due to the pressure that you must have a life already fulfilled at 25 years old and also that the Latin American mentality, as much as they want to deny it, is too conservative and harmful like the American mentality, that is, they behave worse that the americans who hate so much
Veronica: As wonderful as the aspec community can be, there is no denying that it can be a very white-dominated place. The very few canonically asexual characters we have in media are usually white or non-human, and I think a big reason why is because people of color are often sexualized and seen as nothing more than sex-crazed maniacs. I sometimes feel out of place in the asexual community, because so people seem to see asexuality as a “white” identity.
How is your experience with others from your race or ethnicity impacted by being aspec?
C: I am not out to many people in real life. Although the few friends I’ve told have been pretty supportive, I have experienced some aphobia from family. I’ve only told one family member that I’m Ace and although they are supportive of the LGBT community, they don’t really seem to accept me being Ace. They constantly make comments about “how one day I’ll meet someone” or “how can you know yet?” I’ve asked before for them to not make these comments but they insist it is solely an opinion. They assume that my feelings will one day change because it’s what’s supposed to happen. I can’t imagine ever telling them that I’m Aro too with responses like that. Even other family members or others in my life who don’t know (most of which are Latino too) put a huge emphasis on marriage, love, and sex in conversations. I always try to wander away from them but I am always reeled back into these same conversations. I had someone also tell me that one day I’ll join in on the fun when I already know I never will. A lot of Latino media also puts a heavy emphasis on love and sex and it makes it harder for me to enjoy them so I often find myself avoiding Latino media all together. I’ve realized that despite having a lot of family and people who share the same ethnicity as me in my life, I feel like I can’t tell them anything about this big part in my life. I feel that I can predict what they’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it.
E: They don’t know and I don’t know how to tell them, I only know my family and some friends that are also latin american but they usually prioritize family so we don’t talk about that kind of things. When I was searching for a label that defined myself, I experienced a lot of homophobia and biphobia. I think they will say that there’s an hormonal imbalance or that there’s a psychological issue… I think that if I introduced them to my future QPR I will deal with indifference, but who knows! Maybe they surprise me, but right now I don´t want to talk about it with them.
Larissa: Coming from a country where so much is sexualized I have a hard time relating to my peers sometimes. I grew up in a evangelical household and as a teen I was taught that sex was for after marriage. When I left the church in my early 20s I still didn’t feel any interest in it and that’s how I finally realized asexuality was a thing. In a culture where so much revolves around romantic love and sex I feel like I’m not seen as a full adult. As if I’ll eventually grow into these things when I know I won’t. I’m not out to my family and I don’t plan to ever be because I know that from the religious and cultural backgrounds women are expected to get married and have kids in order to be happy and those are two things that I do not see in my future as a sex repulsed aromantic asexual.
Mariana: The only people that know of my asexuality are my close friends, my family is very conservative however (the same as half of our population). It impacts my life in the sense that I have to be really careful with whom I share my identity, which sometimes feels like hiding.
MN: Some people don’t know what being on the ace and aro spectrum means or how it affects my view of the world so I have to explain a lot of things all the time, I guess aspec identities need more visualization and to be more well known so I don’t feel like I’m giving a lecture all the time
Noche: I guess I tend not to bring up the topic at all in a serious way. It’s mostly just casual gossip about who’s doing what with who, and general jokes about sex. I personally don’t mind them and find them pretty funny. It’s all fair game when it comes to making people laugh a little.
Being aspec often just brings up the question “do you really know you don’t like it?” “how would you do it if you had a partner?” Which… makes me think that the biggest concern is about relationship dynamics. I remember I had an ex that got a little alarmed when I “liked” a post on instagram that was sending good vibes for the ace/aros, in a confession account for our college campus that was often just filled to the brim with people confessing crushes. I sent that anonymous confession, I was trying to see if there were others that may relate to it too and see allies in them. So I would feel less lonely. My ex asked me “what’s the point of a romantic partner if you don’t have sex. If you’re ace then how is your pololo/a/e different from your friend?” I’m not even fully ace but I honestly felt really awkward trying to explain what being demi feels like.
Vane: It has been very nice indeed, because despite the fact that there are few aspec people that I have met as my partner (he is Aroallo on the spectrum) and some friends on the internet, they are very nice people and I thank them very much for understanding me and helping me in my discovery
Do you want to share any other identities that may intersect with or impact the way that your gender identity/presentation intersects with your orientation? (EG: gender, other queer identity, age, ability, etc)
C: I noticed that being a girl and being a young adult impacts how others see me. It’s crazy how often older adults, especially elders, treat me. I feel I am more likely to be asked or teased about having a boyfriend or having kids and how once again I “will find the right one”. I’ve noticed even allo women, especially my Latina peers, being teased for not having boyfriends or children yet, usually by other family members. And since most of them are older than me, I already know that’s going to be something that people are going to comment on; regardless if I ever come out to more people in real life or not. A lot of people seem to view me as a little kid because I’ve never had a boyfriend and I show no interest in screwing someone. I wish I could ask them to stop and tell them why this stuff is so hurtful because it feels like I’m being invalidated just for existing. I often tell myself it’s okay, they don’t know that I’m Aro Ace so obviously they are going to assume. But then I think about how this can impact young allo girls too. They may simply not be interested at the moment or have other things going on, so I could imagine they are sick of comments like these too. It’s so rude to assume that I’m too young to know what I want. I wish they would stop waiting for me to become someone’s girlfriend.
E: I’m in the process of being diagnosed with a chronic illness and this has affected me in a lot of ways, but mostly finding and keeping friendships. I can be productive (most of the time) and appear as a healthy person, but I live constantly fatigued, with pain sometimes and scared of eating in restaurants just in case that food makes me feel worse. This, linked with the fact that most people prefer going out with their partner, makes me feel lonely somehow. As I get older, I see that couples make future plans that usually don’t include friendships or finding new friends. I truly don’t want to be alone, but also I don’t want to have a QPR just because I feel lonely.
Larissa: Female in the late 20s
MN: I’m questioning my gender orientation, I’m between girl flux and demi girl. I’m 21 years old and I’m a chronically ill person with ADHD
Noche: I guess I define myself as someone who doesn’t try to stand out in terms of gender and orientation. I just exist and let myself feel as freely as possible. I don’t use pronouns online simply because I like it when people don’t assume anything, but I don’t mind if they see me as my AGAB. I am single and not looking for a partner so I don’t care what label I use unless we explicitly talk about queer topics.
Vane: Well, in addition that I’m Demi Aro and Demi Ace, I’m also a demigirl, this queer identity, I didn’t know it when I was a little girl in 2000s but I did know that I wasn’t extremely feminine and there are things I don’t like about being a woman, like menstruation, because Latin American moms have it stereotyped that “it makes us women” and they want to ignore that not all of us see it that way
How could aspec communities better support you?
C: I think the Aspec community needs to share more information made by Aro/Ace Latinos around and include us in the conversation, since I see barely any information about us anywhere and the information that is available is pretty hidden. They should not speak for us but should share information from us if they spot it. I also think they need to educate themselves on us and how our various cultures impact how we see ourselves. Sharing and including us more would probably help people like me be heard and not feel like anomalies. I want to be able to find more people like me too.
E: They could really help by not questioning. I know that being latin american is linked with hipersexualization, but please, don’t question someone’s sexuality just because there are stereotypes linked to that race or ethnicity.
Larissa: By giving more attention to Latin American aspecs. Aspec spaces are still very white centered and we need to have more people of different backgrounds to share their stories so we can all feel represented in our different ways of being aspec.
Mariana: I wish we could host more reunions, let us know we’re in this together.
MN: By being there is already enough, but if we can make a change and let others know that aspecs exist and are valid would be nice
Noche: I wish there were more of us who were visibly ace/aro. I’m in the LGBTQ+ groupchat my university has but I rarely see other aspec or arospec people talk about that. It’s a little hypocritical to say it when I’m closeted, I know that, but, I just wish I could find others somewhere in the spectrum. Other demis, other grey, maybe even loveless people. We may not even call it the same way English speakers may, but I just wanna relate to others in person.
Vane: We need more comprehensive education and especially to show the existence of Aspec identities to give more teachings about them
Veronica: Overall, I think it is important for white and non-hispanic aspecs to listen to our voices and let us be heard. As I briefly mentioned earlier, I don’t think there’s enough representation of Latin American aces, and I think a lot of people don’t realize just how many of us there are.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other Latin American aspecs?
E: I wish they acknowledged that Latin Americans aren’t a homogeneous group, that we come in different colours (black, biracial, indigenous, white…) and new generations have different beliefs.
Larissa: That coming from a family centered culture like many other minorities it is much harder for us to be open about our feelings to our families and even to ourselves. There is a pressure for us to conform to the heterosexual idea of the happy family that I think it’s stronger than what happens in white families.
MN: That we exist and are valid
Noche: That a lot of our experiences are affected by our specific personal background (country, socioeconomic status, etc.) and not just broadly “our ethnicity”. Just because you heard your Latine friend in the US say their family holds a specific belief, my context in the opposite corner of the Americas is not the same. In general… that people are unique, and while some aspec experiences are probably more common for Latin Americans because of shared culture or language, we are far from a monolith.
Vane: I would like it to talk a lot about the identities and experiences that belong to the Aspec spectrum, because really being Aro and Ace is not something 100% in preferences and orientations itself.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other Latin American aspecs?
C: I wish allo people would stop trying to push these ideas that amatonormativity and compulsory sexuality down our throats. I also wish allos would stop pushing the stereotype of the “spicy” Latina girl and that we are down to flirt with everyone when it’s not true and that our anger is something to sexualize. The stereotype of the Latino man who will flirt and harass women is very harmful and has lead to non-Latinos believing them to be sexual predators. Up until recently these stereotypes were in any piece of media with a Latino character. Even now I still see it in some shows. I want more media, especially with adult or older Latino characters, to understand it’s okay to portray Latinos as literally anything else other than overly sexual, sassy, and down to hook up with anyone who walks their way. Latino Aspecs exist out there and it would be nice to see more older Latino men and women who are not interested in sex or marriage and are just happy being themselves. A Latino character who is explicitly Aro/ Ace would be amazing and mean a lot.
Larissa: That we exist! Latin American and Black women are so often sexualized in mainstream media, brazilian women are constantly associated with being sexy. That bothers any woman but specially a sex repulsed one. I want people to know that anybody can have any identities and be respected for it.
Mariana: The spicy hypersexual latinx stereotype is so wrong, please stop perpetuating that idea.
Noche: I wish that other people who do not live in Latin America wouldn’t say things like “Oh, maybe you can move out somewhere else that’s more accepting.” I know that my friends do it sometimes and it has the best intent, but to be honest I’m personally more worried about making this country a better place to live than just saving money to “escape from Latin America” (a reference to a common meme in Spanish-speaking circles). I fully respect those who leave for whatever reason but I wanna stay here and make things better for those who will never afford to do so (like me lol. I can’t afford to travel either). I don’t want “escaping” to be a goal people would seek by default.
Vane: That they be more open with the Aspec community and that they stop invalidating us with their absurd, stereotyped and harmful hate
Veronica: Just because I am a Hispanic woman does not mean that I want to be sexualized. I’m not your “trophy wife” or your “spicy señorita”, I’m just an asexual woman who happens to also be Latin American. I’m a human being, please treat me like one.
What do you wish other people of your racial or ethnic background knew about your orientation?
C: I want them to know that we exist. Although I have seen many younger Latinos more accepting of the LGBT community, aspec people are not as well known. I want the older generations to listen and know it’s not a “gringo” thing or something that will change once I fall for the right man. I wish they would just accept this is who I am and even if they think it’ll change, they need to stop shoving their “opinions” down my throat. I may one day be more open to people in the real world so that more Latinos can be aware of the orientation and understand how certain comments can affect Aro Aces immensely and understand that we exist.
E: I wish they knew about other types of relationships that are different from romance or friendship, that QPRs exist. I wish friendship had a better and more important role and that finding your special someone isn´t the most important event in everyone´s life. I guess this happens in all cultures and different backgrounds as amatonormativity and heteronormativity exists everywhere. I saw people suffering in their own relationship just because they saw a romantic partner as success, as having someone to save them from loneliness or just because they thought that getting a divorce or breaking up was a failure, linked with loneliness, guilt, shame and with poverty (minimal wages won´t keep a single person with or without kids with enough money to feed them or give them the proper education or just keep them alive and we are forced to find someone…). So yeah, there´re a lot of bad things linked with being single and usually they´ll pity you if you´re getting old without a partner. I think that happens in a lot of countries or cultures, but I wish they knew that this suffering can be avoided and that you can still find economic stability, happiness, friendship and a found family in other types of love.
Larissa: Everything! I just watched a video of a gay men explaining the LGBT+ acronym and I know he meant it well but he got it all wrong on the A. Not all aromantics are asexual! These two identities can exist separately. I wish people would do their research properly because there is plenty of good aspec content online.
Mariana: I wish they knew that the so-called “generación de cristal” is not making this up, they keep invalidating us using that term and calling us overly sensitive. I would like them to open up their minds to life experiences that step away from the cishet norm.
Noche: That it’s a spectrum, and not all or nothing. That not everyone has the same strong ideals about sex or romance and that doesn’t make a person emotionally immature or naive, and that dialogue can make relationships work. Two people may not fully feel the same or express love and affection in the same way, but it doesn’t mean that their feelings about their partners are less genuine or deep.
Vane: Just take a minute to listen to us and stop making fun of us and calling our existence a fad or sin made by the devil