by Maximus, last updated May 2021
Vocabulary to know: Aromantic, Asexual, Alloromantic, Allosexual (refer to our Glossary here)
Introduction
Aromanticism and asexuality are understood to be spectra, or umbrellas. A person might feel connected to the label “asexual” or “aromantic” while having specific experiences that expand each word’s base definitions.
A variety of microlabels have been created to explain some of these varying experiences. Demi-, gray-, akoi-, quoi-, and other prefixes can be added to “sexual” or “romantic”, or sometimes to “asexual” or “aromantic”, to create labels which fall under the aro/ace-spectrum or umbrella. All of these labels are often considered to be more specific versions of grayromanticism and graysexuality, as Gray can represent all of the experiences that are neither alloromantic/allosexual nor aromantic/asexual. However, some people identify with these microlabels and do not consider them a subset of grayromanticism or graysexuality. For the sake of simplicity in this article, all of these microlabels will be considered under the Gray umbrella, while the writer recognizes that people who actually use these labels may believe and identify otherwise, and the writer respects that.
Like the color gray, there is so much variation that not everything can be covered here. Please treat this as an introduction to identities that are not quite alloromantic/allosexual or aromantic/asexual. This introduction does not intend to enumerate all of the labels that exist or all of the ways that people experience them.
People may identify with one of these labels as well as the encompassing umbrella term (ace or aro). People may also identify with one of these labels while instead identifying more with alloromanticism or allosexuality. They may consider themselves entirely outside of the allo- and a- spectra and specifically only identify as their gray label. Identifying as, for example, demisexual does not preclude you from disidentifying with asexuality and instead identifying with allosexuality. This is entirely dependent on the individual and how they interpret their own experiences. This can result in three people sharing a label, such as demisexual, while one of them identifies as ace, one identifies as allosexual, and one only identifies as demisexual without identifying as allosexual or asexual. None of these people are identifying in the wrong way – it only matters that they identify in the way that is best for them personally.
The identities discussed in greater detail below are those that the author has most frequently seen in community discussions. This is not meant to assign validity or importance in any way to these identities over the ones not enumerated in this text. This sentiment extends to the flag designs that are included – flags were chosen based on their popularity, not on their validity, importance, or aesthetic. Also, while the prefixes are specifically discussed here in terms of what they mean when applied to romantic and sexual orientations, all of these prefixes (demi-, gray-, cupio-, etc) can be applied to other forms of attraction and orientation besides romantic and sexual.
Aego- and Autochoris-
Aegoromantic and autochorisromantic are labels for those who do not personally feel romantic attraction, but enjoy seeing depictions of romantic love and may even have strong desires to see it presented with others. Aegosexual and autochorissexual are labels for those who do not personally feel sexual attraction, but enjoy seeing depictions of sex and sexuality and may even have strong desires to see it presented by others. Aego- and autochoris- orientation experiences are sometimes described as feeling a disconnect between oneself and any desire, attraction, or enjoyment they feel. Some people might only enjoy such depictions or fantasies in situations that they couldn’t possibly imagine themselves being involved in.
The term “autochorissexual” was created by researcher Anthony Bogaert. The way he defined the term resonated with many aces, but he further discussed it as being a paraphilia (defined as “intense sexual arousal to atypical objects or situations”) rather than an orientation, which did not resonate. The term “aegosexual” rose out of the wish to have a term that had a similar meaning and usage to autochorissexual, but was removed from the pathologization that Bogaert assigned to it. More on Bogaert’s use of autochorissexual can be found here.
Many people do not see aegoromantic as a grayromantic identity, or aegosexual as a graysexual identity. Many people refer to this as simply being romance favorable or sex favorable, although this favorability is contextual, as the aego- person may be repulsed at the idea of themself being in the actual scenario and engaging in such behaviors.
Being aegoromantic may mean that you enjoy romance novels and movies, and are really passionate about shipping, while being aromantic and having no attraction that spurs you to act out those behaviors in your own life. Being aegosexual may mean that you enjoy watching porn or reading smut, while being asexual and having no attraction that spurs you to act out those behaviors in your own life. If you do have desire for these behaviors, which you may or may not, then that desire is not caused by attraction, or involves very little attraction. It is sometimes discussed that alloromantic people can also be aegoromantic, and allosexual people can also be aegosexual, as it is about enjoying the sight or depiction of certain things rather than wanting them for themselves.
This is generally separate from cupio-, as having an interest in seeing these activities does not always mean that you have an interest in engaging in them. Cupio- is discussed further below.
For more on aego- and autochoris- experiences, click here (autochorrisexual specifically).
credit hunterinabrowncoat, 2014
Akoi- or Lith-
Akoiromantic is a label for those who experience romantic attraction, but do not wish to have it reciprocated, and may entirely lose that attraction if it is reciprocated. Akoisexual is a label for those who experience sexual attraction, but do not wish to have it reciprocated, and may entirely lose that attraction if it is reciprocated.
The prefix lith-, used as lithromantic and lithsexual, was coined before akoi-, and referenced stone sexual identities (for a discussion of what stone means, click here). However, some parts of the community wanted to move away from this, as stone sexuality has a long history in the lesbian community, and aces and aros were concerned with appropriating that history. Both lith- and akoi- are still used, as people have varying levels of comfort with referencing stone sexuality. Some, including people who identify as stone, have pointed out that there is nothing wrong with referencing something that has historical and modern precedent in the queer community. Others, also including people who identify as stone, feel that stone should be kept separate from orientation or that it should only be used as an add-on to specific orientations. Along with akoi- and lith-, sometimes the prefix apro- is used as well.
Akoiromantic and akoisexual people may be stigmatized as having “commitment issues” or as unable to understand their own feelings. Realizing that one is akoi- may be difficult because of this, as it is often assumed that attraction and desire go hand-in-hand, and that unreciprocated attraction is unfortunate or pitiable. These assumptions are based in amatonormativity and compulsory sexuality, with the expectation that romosexual relationships with equal emotions from all parties are an ideal end-goal. Everyone, regardless of their orientation labels, may experience fluctuating or fading attraction during their relationships, and can still have positive experiences with those partners. Akoi- identifying people can happily engage in relationships or happily stay single, and the way that they experience attraction is something to understand and work with, rather than shun or repress. Reciprocal relationships are simply not enjoyable for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that.
For more on akoi- and lith- experiences, click here (lithromantic specifically, video, Spanish with English subtitles).
Cupio-
Cupioromantic is a label for people who do not experience romantic attraction, yet still desire a romantic relationship. Cupiosexual is a label for those who do not experience sexual attraction, yet still desire a sexual relationship.
These labels go beyond feeling favorable towards romance or sex, rather than repulsed or averse because people who are cupio- may specifically desire engaging in such interactions rather than only witnessing them.
Cupioromantic as a label sees a fair amount of use, whereas cupiosexual has not experienced the same popularity. Part of this may be attributed to the prevalence of identifying with a certain level of sex-favorability or aversion in the asexual community, and the label “cupiosexual” is very similar to “sex-favorable asexual”. The creation of the term in the first place may not have been due to demand, but rather to parallel “cupioromantic”. This is not to say that the term should be rid of or isn’t valuable, it is just an interesting example of two communities who have grown alongside each other but still have a variety of differences.
Some people see cupioromantic and cupiosexual as descriptive of behavior, and would thus argue that they should not be orientation labels. This view is premised on orientations having a “natural” or “essential” component that is not impacted by any behavior or choices. The writer of this article strongly believes that people should be able to use orientation labels that feel most useful or authentic, regardless of the reasons for identifying with that label, as long as that label is not being appropriated from a closed culture.
I could not find any in-depth resource for cupio experiences – if you know of one or would like to write one, please reach out to [email protected].
Demi-
Demiromantic is a label that describes only possibly experiencing romantic attraction after a close non-romantic (emotional, sexual, etc.) bond has formed. Demisexual is a label that describes only possibly experiencing sexual attraction after a close non-sexual (emotional, romantic, etc) bond has formed.
Demiromantic and demisexual people may feel disconnected from the ways that many other people pursue and experience romantic and sexual attraction. If you are demi, you may feel distressed at the idea of using dating apps, as dating apps provide so little information and generally cannot introduce the bond needed for most demi’s to experience attraction. Even if a bond does form, it is not a guarantee that attraction will follow. You may struggle to articulate why you’re attracted to certain people, as your attraction may not be based on specific traits, and it instead boils down to that person being who they are or what they mean to you.
Rude people may willfully misinterpret demi identities, particularly demisexuality, as being anti-hookups or as being picky. This is not true, and I suggest biting blocking people who say this maliciously. Demisexuality is not about behavior or expectations – it is about attraction and when one typically experiences it. The amount, frequency, and timing of the attraction that one feels does not dictate whether or not they engage in casual sex or dating.
For more on Demi experiences, click here (demisexual specifically).
Credit to crimsxnflxwerz
-flux
Aroflux is a label for those who find themselves shifting between various aro-spectrum experiences, or they shift between aromantic and alloromantic. Aceflux is a label for those who find themselves shifting between various ace-spectrum experiences, or they shift between asexual and allosexual. Abro-romantic and abrosexual are terms that have similar meanings, without mentioning or inherently being related to aromanticism or asexuality. Abro-romantic and abrosexual refer to shifting orientations that can span allo- and a- orientations. Aroflux and aceflux most often are used to refer to shifting within the aro and ace umbrellas, although they can be used in the same way as abro-romantic and abrosexual.
Any orientation for any person can be fluid over the course of one’s life in general. A person can also experience noticeable changes across weeks, months, or years.
People with fluctuating orientations and changes in how they experience attraction may feel uncomfortable identifying with specific labels, as what feels true and authentic at one point may feel completely inaccurate at a different point. It is also difficult to deal with fluctuating feelings of connection to other people who use certain labels – as an example, having been allosexual at some point in the past may make it difficult for someone to feel included or comfortable with participating in asexual community spaces. Terms such as aroflux and aceflux provide a stable orientation for a changing experience.
Some people develop high personal stakes in reifying binaries, and may be particularly aggressive, invalidating, or hateful to those who fluctuate and do not consistently belong to one exclusive category. These people, especially when they act maliciously, should be ignored and blocked or cut off. Fluctuating identities are not bad or wrong – they are wonderful things that still manage to exist even when society does not give them space to.
For more on being aroflux and aceflux, see this video (captioned).
Fray-
Frayromantic is a label for those who only experience romantic attraction towards people that they do not know well, and the attraction fades once a deeper connection is developed. While the romantic attraction may go away, other forms of attraction may develop or stay, or there may be no attraction at all. Fraysexual is a label for those who only experience sexual attraction towards people that they do not know well, and the attraction fades once a deeper connection is developed. While the sexual attraction may go away, other forms of attraction may develop or stay, or there may be no attraction at all. Some people refer to fray- identities as the opposite of demi- identities.
Due to the high value that contemporary Western society places on romantic and sexual attraction, experiencing a fade or loss of these attractions may feel upsetting. There is a belief that if romantic or sexual attraction fades, that it was never “real” or that the relationship it occurred within wasn’t good. This belief is grounded in amatonormative ideas of “the one” and notions that “true love” is defined by strong, consistent, and unconditional attraction. These beliefs are unfair and unrealistic, even for people who are neither frayromantic nor fraysexual. Valuable and enjoyable relationships can happen without certain kinds of attraction or with fluctuating levels of attraction. Pursuing single-hood or engaging in only brief periods of romantic and sexual relationships can also be valuable and enjoyable.
For more on being fray-, click here (fraysexual specifically) {author’s note – I do not entirely agree with how polyamory is defined in this article, but find it an overall helpful discussion of fraysexuality, which is why I am including it}.
Gray- or Grey-
Grayromantic can act as an umbrella term for all identities that do not 100% match the definitions, expectations, and/or understandings of aromanticism or alloromanticism. Gray-asexual or Graysexual can act as an umbrella term for all identities that do not 100% match the definitions, expectations, and/or understandings of asexuality or allosexuality.
Gray- may also more specifically reference feeling attraction rarely, feeling attraction vaguely or ambiguously, feeling attraction that does not last for very long and is unstable, and/or feeling no attraction but being favorable towards acts associated with that attraction. Gray- can also be used for those who are comfortable in identifying on the ace or aro spectrum, but do not want to further specify the conditions around their attraction or lack thereof.
Realizing that you are Gray may take awhile, as it may feel that you are constantly looking at the clouds and deciphering the likelihood of rain. Maybe it rains lightly for a bit, so lightly that you’re uncertain if it was actually rain or if you just expected to feel rain. Maybe it’s a light drizzle that lasts on-and-off for days, to the point that you can’t say it didn’t precipitate, but it definitely didn’t rain hard, and you never needed an umbrella. I could continue with rain metaphors for a while, but I will return to my point: like the color, Grayromanticism and Graysexuality can be vague while also being distinctly there, which is why many people decide on these labels rather than more pinpointed ones.
For more on gray- experiences, see here (gray in general) and here (specifically grayromantic and bisexual).
Quoi- and Nebula-
Quoiromantic is a label for those who are uncertain if they experience romantic attraction, cannot tell if their feelings are platonic, romantic, or something else, and/or feel that the concept of romantic attraction or orientation does not apply to them. Quoisexual is a label for those who are uncertain if they experience sexual attraction, cannot tell if their feelings are emotional, sexual, or something else, and/or feel that the concept of sexual attraction or orientation does not apply to them.
The term quoiromantic traces back to “wtfromantic”, which partially arose out of the need for some asexuals to remove themselves from the expectation to have a definable romantic orientation. Wtfromantic was also used by aros and aces to address the inability to differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction. In the first scenario, wtfromantic was needed because identifying only as asexual was, and unfortunately sometimes still is, considered to be impossible, and there is pressure to identify with a romantic orientation. For people who feel that asexual “covers all bases”, asking about their romantic orientation seemed pointless, and the term “wtfromantic” was born and eventually fell out of popularity as quoiromantic became more prevalent. Now, it is more common for asexuals to simply not identify with a romantic orientation if they don’t want to, and quoiromantic more commonly refers to the experience of romantic attraction seeming nonsensical or impossible to parse out.
Nebula- was later introduced for people who had that quoi- experience of not comprehending romantic attraction, and could specifically link that to their being neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people can identify as nebula- or as quoi- (romantic/sexual), but neurotypical people should not use the nebula- label.
For more on quoi-, wtf-, and nebula- experiences click here (quoi as disidentifying with romantic orientation) and here (the coining of wtfromantic).
