Ace Week 2021 – Ace Men

The theme of Ace Week 2021 is “Beyond Awareness” so we wanted to focus on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the ace community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream allosexual people talking about asexuality and even hidden within ace communities.

Asexual men and masculine-aligned people are a minority in our community, and their existence is often doubted, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.

Introductions

My name is Bob O’Boyle. I am an ace nonbinary man.

My name is Cody, and I’m an asexual man.

My name is Daniel, and I identify as homoromantic asexual. I’m a cis man.

My name is David (he/they), and I am asexual and aromantic, nonbinary, and masc.

My name is Eliott Simpson. I am a panromantic asexual, and am also male-presenting gender fluid.

My name is Joshua Godfrey and I am an aroace man.

How does your gender intersect with your orientation?

BOB: Very directly. As there is an expectation on women in society to be available sexually to men, there is an expectation on men to be constantly desiring sex, as well as available for sex to women. People don’t often think about that, because of the fact that sex is generally handled in such a one-way fashion. This in turn makes dating more difficult, has contributed to the dissolution of my marriage, and means that I have to work that much harder to relate and be seen as “safe” to non-men, since not only do I have to make clear what my orientation is, on top of countering the expectations that I have to carry thanks to societal instructions.

Cody: It complicates it. It’s one thing to process being ace in a culture where that’s considered broken, deficient, abnormal. It’s a whole different thing to process that in a culture that thinks men should be dominant, pursuers, after the “conquest.” Each identity amplifies your otherness.

Daniel: My gender doesn’t affect my own relationship with my orientation, but it does affect how others see me. Men are expected to be actively sexual, and my asexuality defies that assumption.

David: Realising myself as ace was fairly instrumental in thinking about how toxic masculinity has affected me. So much of stereotypical masculinity is defined by an attitude towards sex that I have never held. Breaking that mindset can be difficult.

ES: It is due to my asexual orientation that I came to terms with my gender identity. Given how gender-specific sexual peer pressure can be, being assigned male at birth introduced me to many toxic traits of masculinity. Due to men being pressured to have and be good at sex as a signifier of dominance and prowess, my discovery of my asexuality gradually made me question my identity as a man. I never identified with the sexual prowess and desire attributed to men, which led me to realise that I didn’t really identify with any other traits of masculinity either. This eventually led to my realisation that I was gender fluid. 

JG: It is expected that men be horn dogs. I am not that. When i see women alone i want to be like “i am not a threat”

How is your experience in ace communities impacted by your gender, or your experience with other men impacted by your orientation?

BOB: My experience in ace communities is a little less impacted by my gender, except when I try to bring up how ace men are a minority in the community, than they are with other men. Sometimes when I bring up how men are a minority in the community it’s regarded with surprise, but more often it’s met with either nothing, or, on one occasion, someone saying that – as ace men rep goes – we have David Jay, isn’t that enough?

Cody: I’m always very excited to connect with other ace men in the community, because I don’t see them as often. So I can sometimes feel like the odd man out (no pun intended). But the community as a whole is a welcoming place. Regardless of gender, I feel like I’m with “my people.” With other men… well, I mostly move in a queer male space, so it’s been a bruising experience being out as ace there. My queerness gets questioned. My maleness gets questioned. It can be a lot.

Daniel: Men are a minority in the ace community, so it can be harder to find people that relate to my experience. That’s why I started doing activism, to represent ace men who may otherwise feel unseen.

David: I have often felt uncomfortable around other (primarily straight) men. They often talk about sex and women in ways that are deeply objectifying, and expect everyone around them to feel the same way. It makes me want to scream.

ES: My gender hasn’t really impacted my experience in ace communities, as I’ve found there to be a very diverse range of gender identities within ace spaces. Although I do not personally know of many other gender fluid aces, I do not feel particularly isolated or ostracised for my identity either. I have often felt awkward, unfitting and isolated when in mostly male spaces, as typically conversations of sexual prowess and views on sexual attractiveness do arise. I feel more out of place and lost in male-dominated spaces unless there’s a very specific interest that we all share. I also find it harder to be open about my asexuality to men then I do to women, as I have experienced more aggressive dismissals, rejections and misunderstandings from male spaces than I have from female and non-binary spaces.

JG: Being around other men is alienating. They seem so obsessed with sex.

Upon realizing that you were ace, did you question or change your gender identity or presentation? 

BOB: I didn’t change my presentation, but I did change my identity – I went from cis, to genderqueer, to non-binary.  It was absolutely another case of “I always felt this way, but I never knew there was a term for it.”

Cody: Understanding my asexuality has certainly made me look differently at my relationship to gender. I don’t relate as strongly to “maleness” as I did before, if that makes sense. When I was trying to be allo, I think I felt pressured to also perform maleness more. I don’t do either now.

Daniel: I’ve questioned my gender identity since coming out, to separate my own feelings from society’s expectations. But I concluded that I’m cis, and that’s okay. But being queer has helped me be a bit more fluid with my gender expression.

David: Not initially, but as I’ve further embraced my ace identity I’ve become more aware of toxic masculinity’s effects on me. I’ve allowed myself to embrace a less binary form of my gender. It’s allowed me to feel more truly myself.

ES: Yes, it was due to realising I was ace that led me to gradually question my gender identity and in turn realise that I was gender fluid, as I did not associate or relate to many traits attributed to masculinity, first and foremost the desire and prowess at sexual pursuit. Furthermore, my continued confidence in rejecting masculinity led me to embracing the fact that I do enjoy appearing more feminine at times as well. 

JG: I did not immediately question gender because it wasn’t that important to me. But a therapist insisted i was a non-binary as that is common in aces. I don’t think it fits, but am okay with being called one.

How could ace communities better support you?

BOB: Acknowledging the fact that ace men are a minority within the community, and push journalists to speak to more ace men, and/or talk more about the intersection of asexuality and masculinity, would be a great way to support. I acknowledge and understand that journos are beholden to editors and such, and parts of conversations might get left on the cutting room floor that I am not privy to, but when two non-AMAB people are asked about and trying to comment on asexuality and masculinity, that represents a solvable problem, to me. As I, as a White AMAB person, should not be speaking on experiences of BIPOC people or women, and instead boosting voices of those who are, I feel that non-AMAB ace people should be doing the same for ace men and AMAB people when the opportunity presents itself.

Cody: I think the community does a good job of supporting ace men who are out and visible. It’s the rest of the culture that keeps ace men in the closet.

Daniel: I think that ace communities already support men, but I think the media needs to do a better job finding ace men to talk to. It would help dispel misconceptions that masculinity and asexuality are incompatible.

David: I feel like we need more discussion on the attitudes towards sex that get ingrained into people socialised as men from a young age. It is a difficult thing to break yourself of, and we need compassion towards that.

ES:I think it would be supportive of ace communities to simply and safely open the discussion more about gender fluidity so that aces can find solidarity and comfort in other aces who also feeling similarly; in that they identify as gender fluid but not strictly non-binary and are still understanding their appearance and how they present themselves.

JG: I do not feel unsupported by the ace community, but it is nice to have ace women share ace men positive posts with me. It really feels special.

What do you wish ace people knew about you or other ace men?

BOB: Firstly, that we exist, and secondly, that we are a legitimate minority within the community; about 13% of the community according to a 2018 ace community survey. Secondly, that there is as much pressure on us to perform sexuality – and sexually – as there is on women from society. Granted men are the ones who hold and are in positions of power, but if you do not perform to the standard set forth for men, then you will be ostracized for it – including and especially by women. Being in power and wielding/having access to power do not necessarily overlap all the time. Thirdly, we have a whole mess of things that we have to unlearn about ourselves upon embracing our asexuality, the same as women/AFAB people do, and in turn have to carry those Expectations of us around and learn how to handle them. We don’t get a free pass just because we come across to others as Men.

Cody: We’re out there! There are more of us! A lot of us are just afraid to be ourselves, or lack the support to be ourselves.

Daniel: There are specific issues that come with identifying as an ace man. There’s a strong expectation for men to be sexual and, as a gay man, almost hypersexual. You’re much more likely to face explicit acephobia because of those expectations. 

David: I have been called an incel by a whole bunch of people trying to discredit me. People hear me say I’m not interested in sex and decide that it means I hate women. It’s very strange.

ES: That I do identify as gender fluid in spite of how I physically appear at times, and that I think due to the peer pressures of toxic masculinity, ace men can find it harder to fully come out with their identity, especially to other men as they can be very easily be rejected and taunted for appearing “weak”, “pathetic”, “scared” by their peers.

JG: I have never had any ace question my ace-ness but i feel like as a man they do doubt me and are just being kind. That is really more on me, though 

What do you wish allo people knew about you or other ace men?

BOB: Same as above.

Cody: Ace men aren’t broken men. Period.

Daniel: Masculinity isn’t inextricably linked to sexuality. It puts an unhealthy pressure on men to be sexual and can lead to toxic behaviours. It’s difficult for ace men to come to terms with their asexuality because of this pressure.

David: I wish allos would learn the basics of what asexuality is, and to understand that I’m not sad or lonely for being the way I am. Aces don’t need that attraction to be whole. I am better off knowing myself.

ES: Likewise I wish allo people knew that I and many others identify as gender fluid despite how we physically appear and dress, and that toxic male-orientated peer pressure can make it incredibly anxiety inducing and stressful for ace men to come out and be open about their identity to their male friends or just to anyone.

JG: That we exist and that is okay.