Ace Week 2021 – Demi and Gray Aces

The theme of Ace Week 2021 is “Beyond Awareness” so we wanted to focus on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the ace community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream allosexual people talking about asexuality and even hidden within ace communities.

Asexuality is often seen as a complete absence of sexual attraction, but it is a full spectrum; people in the gray area of the spectrum often go unheard, and we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.

Introductions

My name is Ashlee C. (they/them). I identify as a bisexual gray-asexual, and I am a sex-favorable asexual.

My name is Eljay (she/her). I’m grayromantic and asexual. As a grayromantic, I have experienced romantic attraction only once in my life.

My name is Elle Rose, and I am graysexual and demisexual.

My name is Justin, and I currently identify as bi+ and aspec (biromantic demisexual).

Kimberly Butler and Aceflux

How do you define your specific ace-spectrum identity?

AC: I identify as a polyamorous aromantic bisexual gray asexual. I experience aesthetic, sensual, & platonic attraction a lot, but never romantic attraction. On the rare occasions when I find someone to whom I experience sexual attraction, I experience it in a bisexual way because I have felt this rare attraction towards people of a variety of genders.

Eljay: I’m grayromantic. It means I don’t feel romantic attraction most of the time. There are times when I do feel it, but it’s very infrequent. I have felt it only once in my entire life.

ER: I am demisexual and graysexual. I experience sexual attraction only after a close bond is formed, and rarely at that. I also use both terms because I experience this attraction rarely and it can come and go without reason.

Justin:  To the world around me, I’m “asexual”. To others in the queer community, I’m “Biromantic Demisexual”. But to myself, I’m simply me: somewhere in the liminal space between “sexual” and “Asexual”. Not knowing where I fit in, but at least, finally honest with myself.

KB: I am Aceflux which means I fluctuate between various Ace identities at times and other times I fluctuate between Ace and Allo. I experience a little bit of both parts of the definition of Aceflux.

How is your experience in ace communities impacted by your specific demi and/or gray ace identity?

AC: My experiences have been positive overall & I have not experienced any negative responses or stigma to it in those communities, although some resources don’t put enough emphasis on the entire ace spectrum.

Eljay: I do believe that our community has a good understanding of what grayromantic is. I have never interacted with any aspec who did not understand that we are part of the spectrum. In fact, I was always reassured that I was part of the community.

ER: Sometimes it’s positive, sometimes it’s negative. While the asexual community at large publicly embraces the idea of the asexual spectrum, this is not always supported by individuals and organizations in a way that is inclusive. It’s mostly good, though.

Justin: Even in safe spaces, I always a feel a persistent sense that I’m not and never will be “Ace enough” to belong. I await what feels like the inevitable rejection from other Asexuals because of the taint of sexual attraction that I still seem to carry.

KB: My experience in the Ace community has kind of allowed me to be more free, seeing Ace people who feel attracted be represented and not shamed has let me be able to question and explore my identity more. I think if I were in a more unaccepting group I would feel as if I had to be one way to be Ace but I’m glad I don’t.

How could ace communities better support you?

AC: They could help by educating themselves on the entire spectrum, rather than just general asexuality, as well as making sure those learning about the community know this is an option, & that it is accepted & valid.

ER: I know this sounds like advice for people outside the community, but learn about us from us rather than assume you understand because you’re also in the community. We can learn a lot from each other. 

Justin: The ace community at large needs to look inwards and continue to confront questions of gatekeeping, race, class, religion, and disability. Only then can it truly better support more ace folx at the intersection of other marginalizations.

KB: Ace communities can give Aceflux people more recognition in posts, more forms of media, videos, etc. just pushing us whenever possible so people can know we exist.

Do you feel that the ace community in general has a good understanding of the ace-spectrum/of your specific identity?

AC: I feel like generalizations may still be made, for example assuming all ace people don’t feel sexual attraction ever, or that experiencing attraction in certain circumstances makes one more or less ace than another person.

ER: I’ve mostly seen it understood within the community, but again it depends on if an individual or space truly embraces asexuality as a spectrum. Saying you do but turning around and treating the spectrum as a hierarchy is disheartening. 

Justin: I think the ace community has a basic understanding of the spectrum of asexual identities. But I think it can go further. It needs to stop clinging to the notion that asexuality is a clean, easily-defined binary of sexual attraction vs. no sexual attraction.

KB: I think most people have a decent knowledge of what it is but anyone outside the ace community would be very confused (that’s why I use Ace as an overall term, which I shouldn’t have to do). I think there would be some people who don’t understand even in the Ace community but that’s where we come in to talk about it.

What do you wish ace people knew about you or other demi and/or gray ace people?

AC: I wish more aces knew that we can experience sexual attraction on rare occasions or after forming bonds with others, & that we still don’t experience attraction the same way allos do & therefore are just as much part of the ace community.

ER: We’re as ace as you. We’re just experiencing it differently. We also belong here. 

Justin: The human experience of sexuality and asexuality goes beyond the binary thinking driving how many other asexuals think of race, religion or disability. People can relate to their (a)sexuality in vastly different ways from one another. And they are all real. The ace community needs to be inclusive of all aspec identities. Gatekeeping weakens our ability to fight for real ace-positive change.

KB: My wish is that people just know Aceflux people exist and that it’s an important identity to help people who may feel that they feel attraction. They need to know there’s nothing wrong with switching from Ace to Allo and that more people probably experience this than they think.

What do you wish allo people knew about you or other demi and/or gray ace people?

AC: I wish more allos knew that we’re still not allo, even if we do sometimes experience attraction. Our experience with attraction is still different in many ways than the allo experience. Additionally, ace people can still enjoy sex, reading fanfiction/erotica, etc.

Eljay: Just because we feel that attraction with someone, it doesn’t mean that it’s because we have “finally found the right one”. We also don’t just have “ridiculously high standards” or “unrealistic types”. And I would also love it if they know that their support and respect means a lot to us!

ER: The biggest thing would be that no, not everyone is like this. It is not just abstinence. It is a sexual orientation. If sexual attraction forms, it is only towards the person in question – we are not suddenly not ace.

Justin: I wish that allo people would learn to listen to the experiences of Aspec people, with both open minds and open hearts. We all in the end want the same thing: for all people to have the freedom to truthfully explore, accept and express their own sexuality.

KB: I wish Allo people knew that our orientation isn’t something to debate or argue about because no one knows how another person feels and it’s not their place to tell you how things work in your life. Just listen and be considerate.