We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Because romance is often tied to sex, aromantics who are sex favorable often feel ostracized both in aro communities as well as in wider society. We wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
August – aromantic, sex favorable
Chris Thompson – sex favorable aromantic
Eryn Goetz – demiromantic, sex-favorable
Ghost – I am allosexual, aromantic and romance averse. I am sex favorable.
Kione – my pronouns are abstra/abstras/abstraself. I am a sex-favorable grey-aromantic allosexual.
Ky – aromantic, sex-favorable
Liam (xe/they/soft). I’m aromantic demisexual. I fluctuate between sex favorable and sex repulsed.
Magpie. I’m a sex favorable demi and/or grey romo aro.
Mars Naomi, It/Its, Aroflux, sex-favorable
RC – aromantic and sex favorable
Ryan – they/them, aromantic (but possibly quioromantic?), sex favorable
Tits Ass and Anarchy Project (TAAAP) – Aroallo. I experience sexual attraction and desire together, I enjoy sex, and ‘horny’ is my baseline emotional state.
Theo – demiromantic, greyromantic, sex-favourable and sex-repulsed (depends on the circumstances)
Interview Questions
How does your sexual desire intersect with your orientation?
August: My sexual desire shapes the way I view my aromanticism, both positively and negatively. It can be isolating, but also brings me the joy that there are communities and spaces that focus on that intersection.
CT: I experience sexual and aesthetic attraction, my libido isn’t particularly strong however so I tend not to feel the need to act on it unless someone has expressed an interest.
EG: I am ace but sex favourable: I think a lot of aros are ace, more than allo, but not so many are sex favourable. Which is of course fine. I think it can make us appear ‘passing’ more in allo environments.
Ghost: Like I said earlier, it doesn’t really intersect. My interest in sex and uninterest in romance feel very separate.
Kione: Well, I’m an aroallo, so me being sex-favorable is a good thing in regards to my orientation I would think. It’s hard to relate sometimes to the aro community though. A lot of aros consider sex a squick or a trigger. Which is understandable.
Ky: While I identify as asexual, I find it can vary, sometimes putting me in the demisexual or graysexual camp. Either way, that combined with being aromantic makes me feel on the outside of a lot of queer communities. Certainly like an alien, so I try my best to blend in and play the role of casual flirty gay man.
Liam: They don’t always understand that I am not actively seeking sexual relationships/that I’ve never had sex before and don’t necessarily wish to. (I do wish to sometimes, but under certain conditions no one is meeting atm)
Magpie: Honestly, I’ve made peace with it, and I just consider it to be a natural way of living. I literally can’t imagine living any other way.
MN: Well, to begin with, sexual and romantic attraction are two very different things that can intermingle sometimes but not a lot of the time for many people who experience the SAM. (Split attraction model) The split attraction model is where romantic and sexual feelings differ on a spectrum. So for me, I’m asexual and bisexual sexual wise and romantic wise I am aroflux. How can you be bi and ace at the same time? Because some aces, like me, do experience sexual attraction sometimes and when I do, I’m bisexual. Meaning it could apply to two or more genders with or without preference.
RC: I’m in a weird nebulous space where I don’t want a romantic relationship, and don’t want to be treated like a walking gloryhole. And when I’ve tried explaining care and intimacy without romantic expectation or obligation, I get looked at like I’m utterly insane. It’s not a fun place to be.
TAAAP: I am peripherally aware of sexual and romantic desire being linked for lots of alloro allos, but it’s a completely alien concept to me, and not in a sexy way. It’s very clear to me that sexual attraction and desire is not the same as romantic attraction and desire, because the attraction and desire I experience is exclusively sexual, but lots of people talk about them as if they’re not only inseparable but also interchangeable. They’re not the damn same!
Theo: My romance-repulsion makes me unable to act on my sexual desire, despite me being broadly sex-favourable.
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by your sexual desire?
August: Aro spaces can sometimes struggle to hold space for those that are more sex favorable and depending on how the space handles it can greatly affect how I interact with my own aromanticism in those spaces.
EG: It doesn’t really impact as I am demi/grey ace so in that sense I don’t normally find it is an issue.
Ghost: I definitely feel alienated because of it.
Ky: It’s not common for me to meet other aro aces, so that can be alienating. Other aros at all are rare.
Liam: I often meet confusion, because many people have never heard of aromanticism or asexuality/the ace spectrum. They don’t understand that I hate the idea of being seen as a potential romantic partner and often feel very uncomfortable as being seen as a potential sexual partner.
Magpie: I try and surround myself with other alloaros and supporters, along with other sex favorable people. I haven’t really had people in the aro community be sex negative towards me because of this.
MN: Being aroace (bi when I feel sexual attraction) is very common in the community, but before I was out as ace I was bisexual and a lot of people had trouble with that. There was a lack of alloaro (allosexual and aromantic) people and I had to grab onto that little representation and community where it was.
RC: A lot of the aro people I’ve met have also been ace, and within that, a lot are sex-adverse or sex-repulsed, so there isn’t much discussion around sexual desire at the meetups I’ve been to. I think the last time I even talked about sexual desire was in an alloaro group at the Ace and Aro Con.
TAAAP: I often feel like I can’t talk about my sexual desire in aro communities because the amatonormative taboo persists even as other aspects of amatonormativity are recognised and resisted, plus the community feels aroace-focused. Sometimes I see people joke about how sexual activities are gross and how feeling that way is #AroCulture. It feels like I can’t take up space in the community because I am “too allo” and therefore intruding. I think there is a real issue of conflicting needs (e.g. regarding sex repulsion), but mostly it’s a problem of inclusion/exclusion.
Theo: Allosexuality has me in what I believe is a minority in the aro community.
How is your experience with other sexual people impacted by your orientation?
August: Because sex and romance tend to be intertwined, there is a bit of an isolation, especially with being nonpartnering. It becomes a harder thing to navigate because of my aromanticism.
CT: I’ve found I’ve really been drawn to people who can have really open conversations about sex and thus it has lead to a lot of really interesting conversations and experiences.
EG: They find it odd I think that I don’t have those feelings unless I am emotionally intimate with someone; they can’t fit me into a box.
Ghost: Again, as I am not sexually active it isn’t really impacted yet. It may be in the future when I am sexually active but currently it isn’t.
Kione: I’m considered weird and creepy to some people because of how they tie love to sex. On dating apps I put everywhere that I am aromantic. If I had an aromantic flag, I’d pose in front of it for one of my pictures. Luckily, everyone I’ve matched with so far doesn’t seem to care, or if they did they ghosted me. This is weird in itself because I don’t hide the fact that I’m aromantic, there are no gains for me to hide. It is very easy to fake being in love though, I’ve noticed.
Ky: It often feels like I’m playing a character, and I feel more in my head, like I have to act in a way contrary to my instincts. It’s not all been bad, but it feels consistently strange.
RC: Rough. People tend to fall into very traditional gendered ideas about sex and relationships (even if they claim to be progressive or whatever), so as a woman open to a relationship that’s sexual but doesn’t conform to romantic tropes….you’re fighting against a lot of internalized bullshit from other people that they will happily dump on you.
TAAAP: There is some baffling overlap between people who think sexual and romantic feelings are inherently linked and people who bemoan “today’s hookup culture” (which doesn’t exist except as a concept used to sex shame). I don’t know how they rationalise the cognitive dissonance of thinking most people are out to have casual sex without developing romantic attachment while also thinking sex either is automatically romantic or inevitably leads to it. But I know that entire venn diagram of people looks down on me and treats me like there’s something wrong with who I am as a person.
Theo: I have figured out subconsciously how to navigate situations to make people not see me as a romantic/sexual option because I am extremely uncomfortable with people being genuinely inerested in me beyond casual flirtation if I am not romantically attracted to them.
How could aro communities better support you?
August: Spaces for sex favorable aros need to be cultivated for more support to be available. We need spaces where we can freely talk about our experiences in order to grow and feel more accepted.
Kione: I don’t know. You can’t force people who are uncomfortable with things to be not uncomfortable with them.
Ky: I think as long as fellow aros can be accepting of allosexual or sex favorable aros, that’s all I can ask.
Magpie: There’s still a bit of sex negativity in the arospec community and the aspec community at large, and something needs to be done about it. If the goal of the aro community is to depower romance as the ultimate relationship, then sex needs to be raised to an equal platform.
RC: I think more talk and education around amatonormativity and deconstructing assumptions and attitudes around sexuality and relationships is a good start. Really that should be happening for everybody because ideas like having your value measured by romantic or sexual conquests causes damage in just about every situation I can think of
TAAAP: I would like to see more space, support, and affirmation for people to talk openly about their sexuality. While I see lots of people talk about romance and relationships with varying attitudes (and support for that diversity, despite sadly common personal insecurity around claiming identity), I rarely see people even talk about sex in a positive way. My sexuality is an important part and expression of my aromantic identity, and it does not feel welcome in the community, let alone the broader aspec community.
Theo: A better understanding of allosexuality as separate from aromanticism would be most helpful.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other sex favorable aros?
Ghost: We do not just want to use people for sex, we want to get to know and respect them and have a good relationship with them.
Kione: I don’t know, I haven’t seen any weird behavior towards sex-favorable aros from other aros.
Magpie: The same goes for allos. If you care about helping aro people then you need to unlearn sex negativity and realize that sex doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you have a bunch of one night stands. It’s how you treat people in each individual relationship that matters.
TAAAP: Our identities aren’t inappropriate, and respectability politics won’t get us table scraps of “acceptance” from our oppressors. Our rights and recognition should not be contingent on conformity to white bourgeois cisheteroamatonormativity and participation in the societal structures and institutions that police us.
Theo: Sex-favourability, sex-neutrality, and sex-repulsion are things people can have a mix of; they might not always experience only one. For me it depends on the circumstances but it’s pretty consistent.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other sex favorable aros?
August: I wish allo people knew that sex favorable aromantics are not inherently predatory; desiring sex without romance is not inherently manipulative or bad.
Kione: Even though we’re sex-favorable the identities that we use still apply.
Ky: Being aromantic is just as normal as being alloromantic, and aros having sex isn’t contradictory at all. Aros aren’t aliens or robots (and neither are aces).
Liam: I wish allo people understood that sex without romantic attraction isn’t something bad, and that being sex favorable right now doesn’t mean I will be tomorrow.
TAAAP: “Treating someone with decency” and “pursuing romance” are two completely different and independent concepts. Romance isn’t inherently good, and sex isn’t inherently bad or made “proper” by the presence of romance. Consent to sex isn’t consent to romance any more than the reverse, and no one is entitled to a romantic relationship. Sex without romance isn’t immoral or exploitative, and romantic feelings are never an inevitability, even for y’alloros.
Theo: That promiscuity isn’t the reality of all sex-favourable aros, and if it is that’s OK too.
What are your relationship philosophies and practices? Do you have any experiences with less common relationship styles, such as ethical nonmonogamy or relationship anarchy, that you’d like to share?
CT: Historically I’ve experienced both the traditional monogamous relationships and casual polyamorous relationships with a range of people. At this point of my life I try to subtly broadcast my orientation so someone who is interested will generally know what my deal is, then if they want to take things further then I talk sexual and general boundaries. Then it’s a case of being mindful of their needs and being respectful if they decided to go back to being regular friends.
While I would describe myself as non monogamous it’s rare that I ever put it into practice, while I make people aware of it I don’t like having an intense night with someone and then doing it with someone else a day or two later.
EG: I like to consider a picket fence when talking about relationships; it doesn’t have to be identikit. Let’s build that fence together, and see how it looks. For me I like to be monogamous but I find being in a poly relationship can help with my needing so much space. Relationship anarchy is a great movement that I would like to see more of. It’s your emotional Entanglement so make it how you both/all need it to be.
Ghost: I have been in an open relationship once, my partner left me for his other partner. This was a while ago though, before I knew I was aromantic. I have nothing against open relationships, I was just in one with a bad person ( he was also manipulative ). I don’t really think I would be interested in a relationship like that again though.
Kione: Try to be as honest as possible, and try to keep communication lines open. But relationships are two-way streets so my philosophy won’t matter sometimes.
Ky: My practice is relationship anarchy. Not a lot of hard rules outside of communication and consent. I want to be able to have relationships outside of traditional romantic ideals as well as having more than one partner or queer platonic partner.
Liam: I don’t have experience with uncommon relationship styles and have dated before, but I’m currently more interested in non-monogamous queerplatonic relationships.
MN: So, I’m polyamorous but only with me being in another relationship with my QPR (queerplatonic relationship). My current QPR was a romantic partner at one point but is now zucchini (what QPRs call each other) but we also use the term partner. Everything we do is either sexually charged or platonically charged but never romantically charged unlike with my boyfriend. I believe that I need that freedom to explore platonic love instead of romantic because of how I switch between aro and allo. My QPR and I have been in a “relationship” for a few months now while my current boyfriend and I have been together for three years.
RC: I’m very interested in the ideas behind relationship anarchy and solo polyamory and it’s something I’d like to explore in the future…you know, when the world is less of a dumpster fire.
Ryan: I have practiced ethical nonmonogamy for almost my entire life (at least the part when I’ve been sexually active). I attempted monogamy once in my mid-20s. She had been trying polyamory for me for the previous year, but it didn’t work for her. I decided to try monogamy for her. It lasted a few months. What ended it was when an FWB from afar was visiting town. It just did not compute for me why I couldn’t spend a weekend having sex with my FWB and not come back to her and the relationship. Sex with someoneelse in no way affects my feelings for another, and I didn’t understand why it did for her.
Since learning I was aro, I have been more of an RA type. Not particularly wanting to define my relationships as anything other than FWBs, but each with its own individual flavor. I have recently met someone who is special enough to me that I am interested in trying a romantic relationship with her. Our negotiations are for hierarchical polyamory (which is historically how I’ve functioned in LTRs): We would be primary partners, but get some action on the side when we wanted.
TAAAP: I’m a relationship anarchist and I never enter relationships where people think they have a right to assert control over my other interpersonal relationships, so I’m also nonmonogamous because I’m nonpartnering and I have sex. I’m against restrictions of autonomy for the sake of exclusive relationships, the artificial scarcity engineered by the expectation that one person should fill all our social needs, the idea that one person should ever have a monopoly over another’s time and care or a right to police their behaviour, and elevation of partners over friends. Expectations of indefinite or long-term commitment, exclusivity, and relationship exit barriers are all consent-narrowing. Consent takes place in the present, not the distant future, and it must be revocable at any time. Setting rules on people doesn’t secure their authentic care. Friendships can last and flourish organically because they don’t have that formalised commitment, not in spite of it. Any kind of interpersonal relationship can be as abundant and based in mutual free ongoing consent as friendship is.
Theo: My logical brain believes polyamory to be ideal and the most reasonable way to have sexual and/or romantic relationships, but realistically for me I don’t think I could be interested in more than one person at a time and I’m no good at sharing. I’d also be perfectly happy having a relationship where the other person isn’t romantically and/or attracted to me.