We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Aromanticism is often conflated with asexuality, to the point that many people don’t realize that allosexual aromantics exist, and they are unseen within aro and larger populations. We wanted to highlight the voices of allosexual aromantics. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Chad – Aromantic heterosexual
Charis, they/them, allo(bi)sexual, gray aromantic, and genderqueer person.
Chris Thompson – allosexual aromantic
Ghost – I am allosexual, aromantic and romance averse.
Jules – My identities are quoi aromantic and aego greysexual
Kione – My pronouns are abstra/abstras/abstraself. I am a grey-aromantic allosexual.
Magpie – I’m a sex favorable demi and/or grey romo aro.
Ryan, they/them, Aromantic (but possibly quioromantic?), allosexual
S. – he/him. I identify as aroqueer, but specifically Demiromantic and alloaro.
Theo – demiromantic, greyromantic, allosexual
Interview Questions
How does your allosexuality intersect with your aro orientation?
Chad: They’re deeply entwined to me; my sexuality is a defining part of my aromanticism and how I experience it. At first I didn’t realise I was aromantic because I was led by amatonormativity to believe that I was supposed to get crushes, so I thought that’s what my sexual attraction was. But when I realised I didn’t want a romantic relationship and disentangled those expectations, the stark contrast of the obvious presence of sexual attraction versus the lack of any other type of attraction was what first made my aromanticism identifiable to me.
Charis: As an allo aro person, I experience sexual attraction and desire sexual activities with little to no romantic attraction. While I prefer doing it with people I already know rather than strangers, I don’t wish for it to evolve into a romantic relationship.
CT: This is very much something I’m still trying to figure out as I only realized I was aromantic 3 years ago. It has meant that to me that I see sex as more of a fun, if slightly intense activity as opposed to some super special thing that only lovers do.
Ghost: It doesn’t much, they feel like very separate things. My being aromantic feels fully unrelated to my being pansexual.
Jules: I find it hard to explain, but if I were to describe it, it is a mix of emotional and sexual attraction/acts. I may act romantically, but for me, it does not mean experiencing romantic attraction, as my feelings are not romantic, only affectionate in nature.
Kione: I’m an omni-gay aro-spec person, so I’m into men and non-binary people. I would love to cherish someone, but most people would read that romantically. I just mean aftercare half the time. The other half is doing romantic stuff, but I don’t get the same feelings out of it that alloromantics seem to get out of it. Like going on dates seems cute and all, but I feel like I would feel bad going on dates if we didn’t explicitly talk about me being aro-spec.
Magpie: So, I’m Pansexual, and I’ve been using that label for over four years now. My orientation has always been harder to figure out than my gender, but I know I experience sexual attraction, and that gender doesn’t seem to matter in that regard. My romantic attraction, however, is very fuzzy, and I’m not even sure if I experience it.
Ryan: Without romantic feelings, I don’t carry the baggage that allos tend to bring into their sexual relationships. For me, a sexual experience with someone is akin to sharing a nice dinner with them. It’s a purely sensual experience, albeit one I prefer to have with friends these days in much the same way I prefer having dinner with people I like rather than, say, someone I have nothing in common with other than liking dinner.
S: I feel as though my orientation has given me a very unique perspective. I sometimes experience sexual and romantic attraction very separately. I’ve experienced romantic attraction to people I was not sexually attracted to. It helped me better identify that I am indeed aro. So I feel in some ways my allosexuality and my aromanticism worked together in my self discovery.
Theo: I have romance-repulsion which has decided sex is a romantic activity as well as a sexual one, so I enjoy the abstract thought of sex but am very repulsed by the thought of actually having sex without being romantically attracted first. My allosexuality also means I enjoy flirting with people I find sexually attractive who I am not romantically interested in pursuing. (That could follow, but usually it doesn’t. I do stop flirting before people think anything could come of it because I am not interested in leading people on.)
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by being allosexual?
Chad: Aspec community spaces tend to feel ace-focused, and aro community spaces tend to feel aroace-focused. I also often see ace-specific content tagged as aro or put in aro-specific communities as if it is aro content, which is very alienating.
Aroallos are underrecognised and made to feel like a small, unwelcome minority. Part of it is due to aromanticism being so often conflated with asexuality, but another part is that amatonormativity goes widely unquestioned, and romance and romantic love are viewed as a universal absolute good while sex without romance is viewed as sordid, inappropriate, and immoral.
Charis: I sometimes feel I’m not “aro enough” for experiencing sexual attraction and desiring sex. Since society conflates romantic love with sexual desire/lust, it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my attraction is just as valid.
Ghost: I often feel very underrepresented. I even questioned if I was asexual because I never saw any alloaros. People tend to assume that if you are aromantic then you are automatically asexual too. In fact yesterday someone asked me about being aroace.
Jules: It’s been confusing. I do not understand the possessiveness or the jealousy, or need or enjoying of romance that some allosexuals experience.
Kione: I feel pretty alienated. I run into so many aroace people online, but so far I’ve only seen or interacted with 4 aroallos. I also use grey-aromantic as my label since most of the microlabels that could apply to me don’t because I can tell you what platonic attraction feels like in comparison to romantic attraction.
Magpie: I honestly haven’t been in the aro community for a super long time, but the parts of it that I usually frequent tend to be accepting of alloaros or are even alloaros themselves, so I guess it all falls on how I’ve curated my own online experience.
Ryan: Most aro communities are not very sex-positive or sex-friendly. The overwhelming majority of aros are also aces. I tend to feel somewhat isolated or shut out, because their voices tend to outweigh our voices as allosexuals. I find myself more readily expressing myself in communities specifically for alloaros.
S: I’ve felt some pressure online to identify on the ace spectrum as well, despite being clearly allo. It doesn’t happen a ton but it’s very frustrating when it does happen. Other than that I’ve never come across problems personally, but that doesn’t mean other’s haven’t.
Theo: It is mostly positive. It means I tend to stick to following people who are also allosexual, since I find the most value in that content, and occasionally there is content made that says or implies all aro-spectrum people are also asexual and that is not fun.
How is your experience around other allosexuals impacted by your aro orientation?
Chad: It’s very alienating when most of society automatically bundles sex and romance together like they are part and parcel of the same thing. I’ve been looked down on and disparaged a lot for having sex without romantic relationships. Part of it is sex shaming and sex negativity, but most of it is amatonormativity, which is the root cause of those things anyway. It’s socially acceptable to talk about your sex life if it’s wrapped up in talking about your love life, but otherwise you get the stink-eye.
Charis: I haven’t had any partnered sexual experience, but my identity has made me hesitate to become sexually active. I don’t know if I’ll have the spoons to explain my aro-ness to my potential partner…
CT: It mainly depends whether they are alloromantic or not. I’ve found I need to be hyper aware that I am missing out on certain parts of the human experience that they may be feeling and thus need to make sure that everything is on the table so no-one feels led on or used. I’ve also had to get used to the people that I sleep with eventually finding people and moving on hence that I’m not strictly monogamous.
Ghost: It isn’t impacted that much. I am not really in a dating scene (I am 14 ) so the only allos I am around are like my friends. They have often asked me what it’s like being aromantic or tried to explain to me what romantic attraction is like but otherwise my relationship with alloromantics isn’t affected that much.
Magpie: Honestly, it’s really not affected at all. Despite being arospec, I still want a romantic relationship and no one bothers me about it. I guess it would be a bit different if they did, though. I don’t really come out to people about it, not because I’m scared of their responses, but because there’s just no need for me to.
Ryan: I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve tended to be part of communities where sex is not viewed as only a romantic gesture. In these communities, I’ve often gained a reputation as someone who is good for an easy, NSA, friendly lay. So, especially in my 20s, I’ve never found it that difficult to find FWBs.
S: I tend to find myself getting drained by how much society centers around sex and relationships, which often makes it hard for me to maintain bonds with AlloAllo people. I feel that I’m often unable to have normal conversations with alloallos that don’t somehow circle around to sex and dating.
Theo: Because of my sex-repulsion I often find I can’t relate to hook-up culture, but my allosexual friends aren’t particularly interested in that so it doesn’t divide us. That tends to just feel ostracizing in media where it’s a focus, particularly the way hook-ups are treated as the start of an inevitable romance.
How could aro communities better support you?
Chad: More sex positivity and less throwing us under the bus for social respectability. Resist amatonormativity, and make sure our community doesn’t just replicate its relationship hierarchies or expectations by swapping platonic love or qpps/qprs in for romance and romantic relationships.
Ghost: Represent aroallo people more, I see loads of aroace and alloace stuff but almost never aroallo things.
Ryan: Be less sex-negative. The sex-repulsed people could keep it to themselves once in awhile, rather than making themselves seen loudly on every post about sex.
Theo: Content that doesn’t equate aromanticism as a subsect of asexuality is necessary. Aromanticism is its own thing.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other allo aros?
Chad: The aroallo experience too often seems synonymous with not knowing or feeling like one can claim aromanticism, as if it somehow conflicts with their existing sexuality. I’m lucky my path to identity discovery wasn’t like that at all. I wish my experience were more common. I want people newly questioning or discovering aroallo identities to all feel as secure in that as I do & did.
Also, navigating sexual attraction and experiences as an aromantic allosexual is very different from navigating sexual attraction and experiences as an alloromantic allosexual. Aromanticism makes any sexuality non-normative, including heterosexuality.
Charis: I hope people didn’t see us as “less aro” and thus “more privileged” than other aro folks. No one’s less of a person because of their sexual attraction (or lack thereof).
Ghost: Our sexuality does not make our aromanticism less valid.
Jules: That sexual attraction simply is. Some people experience it, others do not, and it is not an indication of the person’s character (or choice.)
Theo: That views on sex can be affected by aromanticism.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other allo aros?
Chad: Aromanticism isn’t a subset of asexuality. It’s an independent, parallel spectrum. It doesn’t go under any other identity umbrella; it is one. And it’s one of the basic fucking orientation terms and pride flags. Stop leaving us out.
Charis: Just because someone is interested in sex doesn’t mean they’re going to want to pursue a romantic relationship—and no, a sexual relationship isn’t “worse” or “more shallow” than a romantic one.
CT: Just that sex is not the only thing I am interested in.
Ghost: We are not loveless sex hungry people.
Jules: That although our orientations and experiences are different, we are already whole, and don’t need “fixing”.
Magpie: Desiring sex and not romance does not make someone predatory. Romance isn’t inherently good or pure, and sex isn’t inherently evil or dirty. Putting sex and romance on an equal, neutral level and either destigmatizing or deromantasizing them respectively, is the only way to truly support alloaros and confront negative biases.
Theo: I think it’s maybe about as common for alloaros to sleep around as it is for alloromantic allosexuals, so any perceptions of alloaro people as promiscuous are unfair and slut-shaming. This is something both allo and aro people could benefit from learning.
In what contexts, circumstances, or types/styles of relationships, if any, do/would you like to have or seek sex, and how is this impacted by your orientation?
Chad: I’ve had all kinds of casual sex – friends with benefits, fuck buddies, and hookups. I don’t rank any of these categories higher than others; they just describe the degree to which there is an ongoing dynamic and/or platonic closeness. It depends on what each person wants, whether we have shared interests, how much we get to know each other and get along, and stuff like that.
I’m always upfront that I don’t date and don’t want a relationship. I don’t usually bother with explicitly coming out as aromantic because I don’t want to have to give aro 101, so this gets my needs across more easily. Once I figured out I didn’t want relationships (and later my aromanticism), I felt a lot more comfortable approaching sex and sexual interactions because I stopped holding myself to arbitrary, toxic, and obstructive amatonormative norms and expectations. And wouldn’t you know it, other people also like not having to play weird mind games. Being “easy” rocks. Why should I get in my own way?
Charis: I don’t mind being in a friends with benefits situation: doing it with people you’re already familiar with seems fun and (ideally) less nerve-wracking. That said, there needs to be a lot of communication about my identity before I let my guards (and clothes?) down.
CT: I was in a regular monogamous relationship for 8 years and while I really care about the person and have no complaints about that time, I have come to realize that that is not what I want out of a relationship.
These days I tend to have very intense platonic relationships that in some cases involve sex. I would be open to eventually having a long term partner as long as some element of separation was there, (being able to live very independent lives).
Ghost: I think when I am older I would want something similar to friends with benefits. Preferably with another aromantic person. I am not sure how feasible this is because if it is with an alloromantic they often want romance and sex to go hand in hand.
Jules: I think with someone I trust deeply with my life and health, since I tend to only experience attraction in the context of trust.
Magpie: Despite me being alloaro, one night stands and sex with people I don’t know definitely isn’t for me. I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m not entirely monogamous, but I don’t want a whole lot of partners either. I can only deal with one or two at a time. I also wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to a threesome if I only had one romantic partner. Anyone I would choose to have a relationship with would have to know the nuances of this facet of my identity, but there’s also this small fear that I might be turned away because I’m aromantic.
Ryan: I’m basically willing to have sex with anyone I like and respect (and whom I find physically attractive), who I know likes and respects me (and finds me physically attractive). I tend to have FWBs as my most common arrangement, wherein the friendship is paramount and the sex is just an added bonus.
Theo: I am interested in sex with someone I’m romantically attracted to, since anything else makes me romance-repulsed. I’m most comfortable having sex within a committed monogamous relationship.
What are some ways in which our communities could combat the conflation of sexuality with immorality and romance with morality?
Chad: Be vocal about resisting and dismantling amatonormativity. Remove all pathologisation of promiscuity, nonmonogamy, and/or lack of committed relationships from medical and psychological doctrine. Defund marriage promotion and fund real, culturally competent sex education.
Charis: Recognize that romantic relationships—and romance—aren’t perfect. A lot of the expectations we have for them are signs of codependency, which isn’t good in the long run. Sex can have its risks too, yes, and so does romance.
CT: Ironically as a slightly jaded outsider I’ve always seen romance to be rather selfish and needy. I’d say making sure communication is key and at the forefront of sexual relationships is the best way to make sure everyone is being respected but ultimately we are up against the general male stereotype.
Jules: Respecting people’s need and desires of exposure to sex and romance. By sex education (with heavy focus on consent and psychoeducation of trauma.) Via historical education, or unlearning puritanism.
Magpie: One way that immediately comes to mind is representation, both in representing one night stands and friends with benefits as non-predatory and loving, as they are fully capable of being, and being careful of and avoiding displaying non-amatonormative relationships in an inherently negative light.
Theo: I think people need to reevaluate their culturally Christian notions that sex outside of marriage is bad and marriage equals love, and then learn what amatonormativity is and why it is a very bad thing and it’s of great benefit to many people to let go of these ideas.