We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Aromanticism is often seen as a complete absence of sexual attraction, but it is a full spectrum; people in the gray area of the spectrum often go unheard, and we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Charis – they/them, allo(bi)sexual, gray aromantic, and genderqueer person.
Chio – Greyromantic
Eryn Goetz – Grey-romantic
Jules – My identities are: quoi aromantic and aego greysexual
Kione – My pronouns are abstra/abstras/abstraself. I am a grey-aromantic allosexual.
Magpie – I’m a demi and/or grey romo aro.
Onion – I am fully asexual and a grayro
S. – he/him. I identify as aroqueer, but specifically Demiromantic and alloaro.
Theo – demiromantic, greyromantic
Interview Questions
How do you define your specific aro-spectrum identity?
Amalthæ: Queer. Well more specifically, demi- and anego- (autochris). Anego: I love the stuff but just not with me in it, thanks, I’ll just read the books and watch the movies. Demi: okay I’ll do the stuff but ONLY WITH THIS VERY SPECIFIC PERSON.
Charis: I identify as gray aromantic/grayromantic, which means I rarely experience romantic attraction nor do I want to pursue a romantic relationship. I mostly experience aesthetic, platonic, and/or sexual attraction towards others.
Chio: I define myself as a greyromantic as I experience romantic attraction but very infrequently.
EG: Grey, mostly, with demi leanings. I have no romantic feelings about people I don’t know and rarely have feelings like that. If I do, it would be about someone I knew intimately.
Kione: I go by grey-aromantic, but I’ll explain more on the aro-allo questions.
Jules: Quoi quasi-demiromantic. Or… someone who is unsure of what type of attraction they experience, but if it is romantic, it is approximate to demiromanticism, or only feeling romantic attraction to someone they are emotionally attached to.
Magpie: I use the terms aromantic, aro-spec, demi, and grey sort of interchangeably. I like the term demigreysexual, since I’m not sure which one fits better, or which, if any, are correct for me. I looked it up, and it had a different definition from the way I use it, I still use it regardless. I also consider myself a romo aro.
Mari: I feel romantic attraction very rarely (just a couple of times during my life, I’m 31). Even when I feel it, I don’t aspire to a romantic relationship. I prefer platonic relationships.
Onion: I will experience crushes on obtainable people from time to time, but more often than not it’ll fade.
S: I use the label Demiromantic as I feel it represents me best. Though I tend to default to the neo-macrolabel “Aroqueer”. (https://autcore.tumblr.com/post/189594016434/aroqueer-an-identity-for-anyone-on-the-aro)
Theo: I define demiromantic: I need an emotional connection to be able to be attracted to someone romantically. I use greyromantic for myself to mean I experience romantic attraction in a non-normative way and it is hard to predict and infrequent and very much on the aromantic spectrum.
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by your specific demi and/or gray aro identity?
Amalthæ: I’m part of the green rainbow. That’s it. That’s the impact.
Charis: I sometimes feel like I don’t *really* belong to the aro community. There are times where my internalized arophobia would convince me that I’m faking it or I’m “shallow” for not experiencing romantic attraction and refusing to pursue romantic relationships.
Chio: My experience in aro communities have been mainly through the internet and it’s been very positive regarding the impact it has caused in me and let me to accept myself and my gray aro identity. In a society that tends to be obsessed with romance and romantic relationships, online aro communities have indeed been a place where i can be myself and truly express how i feel
EG: I think demi and grey are fairly well represented in the community so we get more understanding than others
Jules: As a whole, I’ve felt very disconnected from and sometimes like an intruder in the community, as I do not fit the “experiences little to no romantic attraction” definition.
Kione: I’m as vague as possible, so I’m not really impacted.
Magpie: I find that there are some aros (and maybe even aces) who don’t experience any romantic (or sexual) attraction at all, who like to push back against those of us who do. I’ve noticed some aros who feel romantic attraction express discomfort at the idea that they shouldn’t be allowed access to certain words and that they should just use other words. I feel like some aros take demonizing romantic attraction and those who feel it way to far, isolating members of their own community. I understand ranting about the societal pressures of feeling romantic attraction and pursuing romantic relationships, but in order to fully support demis and greys, demonizing romantic attraction is not the way to go (especially since that has homophobic implications)
Mari: Since I’m grey, sometimes I feel like an impostor. Since I’m an aro activist, sometimes I feel like I’m talking about things I should not talk about, since I can feel romantic attraction sometimes. But the majority of the time I really do feel like I’m completely aromantic and feel at home in the community. I feel like other greyromantic folks understand me better, though.
Onion: I have been lucky enough to not experience any exclusion so far.
S: The Demi and Gray Romantic communities feel very small and I find it difficult to find a community. A lot of spaces I see online are assumed to be more demirose than demiromantic on its own. It’s even harder to find things in real life.
Theo: I interact within the community primarily in demiromantic spaces, but both those and aromantic (as in no attraction, ever) spaces have a lot of overlap and are very supportive of one another.
How could aro communities better support you?
Amalthæ: They are already doing what I need them to do. Awesome people!
Chio: Even though nowadays there are a lot of forums and web pages that provide information about the aromantic spectrum, I think there is still a lot to be done: we need more information translated to other languages so people can also share the information with their families and love ones that are not always English natives.
Jules: I’d be glad if they also supported and welcomed other reasons for identifying as aromantic, such as experiencing little to no desire, or repulsion, or aversion, etc.
Kione: I guess be easier to find lol.
Mari: Specify that greyromantic folks are included in the aromantic community. Don’t erase our voices. Don’t judge us. Listen to our stories.
Onion: By not assuming aro people, and by extension aro men, are all hypersexual.
Theo: I think aro communities do a wonderful job supporting everyone on the aromantic spectrum, except for sometimes allosexual aromantics.
Do you feel that the aro community in general has a good understanding of the aro-spectrum/of your specific identity?
Amalthæ: The places where I get my resources from: yes.
Charis: I think so. Thankfully, I have been surrounded by aro folks that understand and accept my experience.
Chio: In general, yes, all the information i´ve found has helped me understand my identity better and sometimes change it, because thanks to some articles I also learned that nothing is written in stone, our identities are always evolving with us.
EG: Absolutely yes.
Jules: No. I feel like most of the community is focused too much on having never felt romantic attraction or it’s signs, to the point I feel alienated for having ever felt those. I think most forget that grey area.
Kione: I don’t know, I’m not in contact with enough aros to give you a good answer. If I had a specific label I’d tell you no but that would be simply they wouldn’t know it existed lol.
Magpie: Generally, yes, but I honestly get the feeling that acceptance of demi/grey/etc. identities was better a few years ago than it is today. I feel like with the internet in recent years, there’s been this push to only use labels as accurately and as close to the definition as possible without deviation, and it doesn’t give people the room to breathe.
Mari: Most people just know about their identity and ignore the one of other people. So most aromantics only know about aromanticism and to them greyromantic is just a vague term they learn to list together with the others but never fully comprehend. There is not a lot of listening to other people’s experiences. Aromanticism is easier to get than more complex identities like greyromanticism. Oftentime I just say “aro” for short because I don’t want to explain complicated stuff.
Onion: Yes!
S: I would say so, but I’m one of the “Big three” (Ace, demi, gray) so that’s to be expected. Most people in the community are aware that my label exists at the very least.
Theo: I think demiromantic and greyromantic are the first identities under the aromantic spectrum that people learn about when learning about the spectrum, and generally people already know about demisexual and greysexual and the asexual spectrum and don’t have a hard time understanding or accepting there are aromantic equivalents. So yes, these are well-understood.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other demi and/or gray aro people?
Amalthæ: I’m as aro as the other aros, just another flavour.
Chio: I don’t know if many aro and allo people are aware but greyromantic can be an orientation on its own or it can be combined with other romantic orientations. One person can be greyromantic and homoromantic, meaning that a person can rarely experience romantic attraction but when they do it´s towards those of the same gender.
Jules: That some of us will identify as mainly aro. That some of us feel unwelcome by the strict definitions or “gatekeeping”. That there is no “one true aro experience”.
Kione: Nothing really, I haven’t heard of “fully aromantic” people being mean or rude about being partially aromantic.
Magpie: Aro people who experience no romantic attraction and try to exclude us are not any better than us, and we shouldn’t be made to feel bad or guilty for the attraction we do experience. Oftentimes we’re made to feel like we’ve betrayed the aro community when we experience it, and that should be acceptable.
Mari: We’re more similar than what you think. The only way to know is by asking. Never assume things. Every journey is different than the other.
Onion: In my specific case, I don’t want them to indulge me if I begin to have, what I like to call, an “aro crush.” These crushes fade very fast, as i said in the first question
Theo: There is an idea that demiromantic people can only fall in love with their best friends, and sure that is common for us, but it’s never happened to me. I’d like people to know that demi people can be attracted with emotional connections of varying depths: some people need to have been best friends for many years, yes, but others have a connection after having a good, deep conversation with someone once. I have a theory too that you could form an emotional connection with an enemy but I think that’s more wishful thinking, wanting a demiromantic enemies-to-lovers story, than a practical reality.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other demi and/or gray aro people?
Amalthæ: Because sometimes a shiny Pokémon can catch my Pokéballs, does not mean it’s a challenge for you to try to turn yourself into a shiny Pokémon. And it’s not my fault you are not the type to catch my eye. I’m not the one making the rules here, buddy. My heart is not a prize. It’s just a box with a random, 0.00001% chance of activation.
Charis: Aromanticism is a huge spectrum, and just because a demi and/or gray aro person experiences some romantic attraction doesn’t mean they’re allo.
Chio: See above.
Jules: We don’t want or need to be “cured”. Allos should treat us as anyone else… as people, not as objects of conquest.
Kione: That we exist, we aren’t just “making it up for attention”, and that truly everyone should read more about queer identities in general; you might learn something new.
Mari: Feeling romantic attraction rarely is not “what always happens to everybody”. I can’t experience celebrity crushes. I don’t understand how romantic reciprocity works. I prefer “protagonist finds a best friend forever” ending than “protagonist finds a romantic partner forever” ending in media. My life is not defined by the few times I felt romantic attraction.
Onion: We’re just as valid as people considered fully aro!
S: That there is more than ace, demi, and gray. The Aro/ace communities are as vast and unique as allo ones. Also that you can’t keep saying we’re “just normal”, admit you don’t understand and dig deeper yourself, or move on.
Theo: Mostly just that both are real and valid identities. They are not too well-understood, unfortunately, outside aromantic and asexual communities.