We continue our series of Aspec Voices. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the ace community.
Asexual women, women-aligned, and feminine-aligned people are usually the majority demographic in ace spaces, but the interaction of what it’s like to be both a woman and ace is often overlooked. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Alyssa G: I’m aromantic and asexual.
Amanda – I’m a biromantic, sex-averse, asexual cisgendered woman (she/her).
Angela B. – Female, Aromantic, Asexual.
Andy – I’m a sapphic aroace and I’m also currently going through the gender crisisTM but I think demigirl (75% girl, 25% agender… ish) would fit me nicely 🙂
Ashley Steele – I identify as a queer and asexual cisgender woman.
Audrey – Cis woman, asexual, demiromantic
Brooke – Asexual cis woman
Droppy – NB and both aromantic and asexual
Ebtehal – Aroace woman
Emi – Cis-Woman, Asexual and Aromantic
Erika – Cis woman, oriented aroace
Fiore – Non binary fem and biromantic asexual
Jasmine – I am a cis-gendered female who is heteroromantic asexual.
Jessie – Cisgender woman, alloromantic asexual
Johanna – I am an ace woman
Karimah Rahman – Gray Ace Cis-Woman
Kaye – Genderfluid, asexual, demiromantic.
Krista Manos – Cisgender woman, and sex-repulsed aroace
Mari – Greyromantic asexual, agender, she/her pronouns, AFAB, “woman” as a political body
Mawadda – I’m aromantic, asexual, and a demigirl.
Passant – I’m aromantic and asexual and my pronouns are she/her.
Ryan – Cis woman, asexual, greyromantic
S. – Ace spectrum girl
Tori R. – Cis gal, she/her, aroace. I also feel gender non-conforming, cutegender, puppiekin, and catgirl
Vic – femandrogyne, aegosexual
Interview Questions
How does your gender intersect with your orientation?
AG: It’s difficult discussing my asexual identity with some people without it being dismissed because of my gender, because of the untrue idea that most women don’t feel sexual attraction. My gender and orientation don’t intersect on an internal level, though.
Amanda: Growing up I believed that all women were like me (no real interest in sex) because I had been taught that women are inherently nonsexual (in contrast to men who are fueled by sex). Even with that assumption, I never felt like I fit in. Other people often talked about others being sexy or their interest in sexual acts, and I just never… got it.
Andy: The intersection between being agender and asexual is very interesting. I’m extremely detached from the concept of sexuality as a whole and I have no idea how people get euphoria/dysphoria from genitalia (like,,, what???) or why these parts of our bodies are supposed to carry so much meaning and define us. Is this an ace or an agender thing? Maybe both Idk.
AS: Being an ace woman means having to juggle the intricacies of what it means to be a woman in a society that does not cater to us along with what it means to be ace in a society that pretends we don’t exist. However, I sometimes feel as though being an ace woman is a lot more accepted and normalized than being an ace man.
Audrey: I’ve noticed that most ace people I meet also identify as female.
Brooke: My gender is often used to erase my ace orientation. It’s assumed that not being particularly into sex is just being the typical “straight woman.”
Droppy: Well, at first I thought that the answer to this question would be “No” since I couldn’t see how my asexuality could have effected my gender. But it might have. I guess it has something to do with feeling free from other people’s expectations you know? I didn’t have to “look good” to please the taste of the opposite gender. Or of any gender at all. That allowed me to figure out how I really wanted to look like more freely, I think.
Ebtehal: I’m not really sure, because I’m still figuring out my orientations, I’ve discovered the term ‘Ace’ in 2018, coming out only to myself last year, and this year (knowing more about the term Aro) I’m out to my close friends & 1 of my family members as AroAce. So I still have a lot of things to educate myself about.
But I think me being Arabic woman maybe intersects more because of the traditions and the pressure put on us in the Arab world (especially women).
things like: not to even talk about sex or anything related to it and at the same time everyone have to get married sooner or later no matter how you feel or want in life. And it’s a shame to stay single!
Fiore: I feel like my gender and my orientation are on two separate worlds, I don’t really think one influences the other.
Jasmine: In terms of being female and asexual, there is an assumption that my asexuality is due to purity culture. People assume I am ashamed of sex because society expects me to be, making me default to asexuality.
Jessie: Identifying as cis often makes people think that being ace isn’t “real” and that lots of people who identify as female don’t feel sexual attraction, or at least not as much as people who identify as male. So, my gender identification is often used to disregard or minimize my orientation or my place in queer spaces.
Johanna: My gender doesn’t affect my own relationship with my orientation, but it does affect how I see others. Before I realized that I am ace I believed for some time that many other women have a similar attitude towards sexual intimacy like me which means that it is not really a thing until your significant other brings it up and media did not proof me wrong.
It took some time to learn that not only men pursue sexual intimacy but women as well.
Karimah: Ace women already experience oppression due to patriarchy, misogyny and sexism etc. as women, with the added intersection of being Ace, fear of violence from cis-men can increase, especially threats to “fix” or “cure” them of their Ace-ness with violence.
Kaye: Being an AFAB person, society often views feminine people as not being interested in sex as ‘the norm’, often leading people to believe that the label is just me trying to be a ‘special snowflake’. When really, that statement is both factually wrong and invalidating.
KM: My identity as a sex-repulsed ace can intersect with my self-confidence which affects the way I chose to present myself. I tend to lean towards more modest (or “less feminine”*) clothing, not wanting to show off certain parts of my body because I don’t like the way they look, but also because I think it will help me blend into the background and be glossed over by people who may be searching for more.
*I don’t really think clothing should be gendered, but I just mean instead of opting for clothing more often attributed to women (dresses, skirts, shorts, tanks, etc.) that can be more revealing, I chose longer pants, sleeves, and keep my body more covered.
Mari: It was harder to me to realize other women were not asexual like me. Media kept reinforcing the idea that women have no sexual attraction, and they were ONLY target for men sexual attraction.
Also, I gravitated towards other asexual women friends without realizing it, so I had rarely meaningful exchanges with women who felt sexual attraction during puberty, thus missing out on the fact I was different than most girls. When I found out, I was rather surprised 😂
Mawadda: I don’t think my gender is a rare thing in the ace community. I feel okay being a demigirl and being ace.
Passant: There are many ways in which femininity and asexuality intersect for me. I’d say the biggest part is the expectation of women to objectify themselves. Many, if not most, feminine clothing is designed to show the female body in a certain way that’s meant to make it appealing to others, mostly men. Growing up, because sexual attraction wasn’t something I experienced or even thought of, I really never thought of it this way and always picked clothes based on patterns or colors I found appealing. It took me so long to realize that there’s a whole deeper level for what clothes are supposed to represent, and that, by not caring about it, I’m not fulfilling a role that society expects of me because of my gender. I had a friend tell me once, “you realize that you don’t really wear things that would make someone want to get with you right? You’re not putting emphasis on the right places.” I was shocked to know that this is how it works for many people. I chose to continue not objectifying my body, or even just portraying it in a way that’s supposed to attract others, because I simply don’t care, but being in a society that tells you otherwise is definitely an ongoing challenge.
Another major aspect of how being a women intersects with asexuality for me is the sterotype around women who have little to no sex/sexual attraction as women who have really high standards or women who are “hard to get”. There are negative emotional stereotypes associated with not finding anyone sexually attractive as it makes it you seem arrogant, snobby, and like you think you’re better than everyone else. I believe this is what makes people think that asexuality is a call for attention and not a real orientation. But the thing is women who have sex a lot and seem to fall for anyone are also perceived negatively and as “too easy”. Society really wants women to be neither of these, but expects them to find the perfect balance, which is something I, as an asexual woman, will never be able to live up to.
S: When I was younger I thought that girls/women were expected to be pure. Growing up I realized that it was not like that at all. I am puzzled between my being a female and feeling not into sexual activites.
TR: Expectation to give my mom grand babies. Compulsory heterosexuality in grade school, getting over emotionally invested in a boy I supposed was my boyfriend when he didn’t care about me.
Vic: Most girls and even older women love talking about boys. For me that was and has never been very interesting, especially after figuring out my sexuality and that they were talking about guys they wanted to have sex with. It made navigating high school, where all around me the girls were sex crazed, very strange in trying to fit in. It wasn’t till college that I found asexuality and things started to be clearer. However, the “boy conversation” still comes up and it is still awkward.
How is your experience in ace communities impacted by your gender?
AB: As a female ace, I do feel more accepted because we seem to be the larger majority.
AG: Women make up a large portion of the ace communities that I am a part of. Because of this overlap, it is easy to relate to many of the experiences other aces in the community have.
Amanda: From what I’ve seen there seems to be significantly more female-aligned persons in ace communities. Due to that, it has made me feel less isolated online by finding others like me.
AS: Like I said previously, it feels as though there are a lot more out ace women than men. This means that I see myself in a lot of ace representation or on ace social media as a lot of creators are ace women talking about what it’s like being ace women in comphet/allo society.
Brooke: Though there are a lot of women in ace spaces (certainly a larger percentage than men), I find we don’t often discuss the specifics of what it means to be both a woman and ace. So we are somehow both over-represented and also invisible.
Droppy: I think it was a pretty positive experience, since apparently in the ace community there is a big number of women/fem. presenting/NB people. So I really felt like I belonged there, and we had similar experiences too.
Ebtehal: I don’t think my gender impacted me that much, at least for now. both Ace & Aro communities have been really welcoming & friendly online (on twitter specifically) & I felt like home. They don’t really focus on my gender or nationality or even my skin tone.
Fiore: So far I feel like I have been welcomed well by my local ace community, I think that also in this case gender was not a factor.
Jessie: I haven’t had too much experience with the ace community, or other aces. Though, when I have interacted with the community people who identify as female have been the majority in those settings.
Johanna: My experience is not really impacted by my gender. Although it is probably the reason I see more female/ female presenting creators or rather come into contact with ace women. (Besides ace men being a minority in the Communities.)
Karimah: When I was first exposed to Ace communities or Aces in pop culture, Ace voices I mainly saw represented were those of cis-white men or white women. Aces who are racialized women should be amplified in Ace communities, especially those most marginalized such as Trans, Non-Binary and Disabled identities etc. should be centered.
Kaye: I find that in ace communities, feminine people tend to often be over represented, because of the extra stigma that masculine presenting people tend to face with being asexual.
Mari: Ace community is still mostly enby/female. We need to increase diversity, to include more voices.
So, I feel I have many peers who look like me in the ace community.
At the beginning it was hard for me to accept the thought of asexual men, but they exist!!! And they are valid. You are valid, boys!
Ryan: The aroace community that I’ve had the most experience with is the a-spectrum identity collective that is at my school. I have been a member there for over a year and I have recently become one of its co-facilitators. In my experience (and me and fellow members have acknowledged) how a very high proportion of our members are women. While this could potentially be replicating a troubling trend of lack of increased prevalence in ace/aro men and non-binary folks due to things like stigma, women typically being associated as virgins etc. it did make things easier in the sense of being able to bond with those in my community who share similar gender identities (not to say that I don’t get along with male, non-binary, and questioning members but that was a plus.)
S: I feel welcomed and understood.
TR: Concern when seeing misogyny mislabeled as purely aphobia. Men will far more likely abuse you as any other because you are a woman saying no, not specifically because you’re ace.
How is your experience with other women impacted by your orientation?
AG: Some women I know are very concerned with who is sexually attractive to them, and I can’t relate. However, there is also a strange dichotomy in that women are expected to keep quiet about sexual attraction, so I’m not seen as unusual.
Amanda: One of the strongest memories I have as a young adult was when I was hanging out with my friends and they all made sexual jokes often. I never really understood them or caught them. But, one day, I finally came up with one and felt so proud like I was fitting in. But, the other women just rolled their eyes at me and still made me feel like an outsider.
Andy: Product of my asexuality I tend to feel very disconnected from the teen girl demographic, because as we are growing, every day I hear more and more friends talk about their attraction, partners, experiences and the so called sexual tension (honestly, what is that about?) and i’m very confused by the whole thing.
AS: The majority of friends I have that are women are allosexual and straight, which means that I often feel left out of conversations about sexual relationships with men. I definitely tend to feel like the token ace. However, I will say that I feel a lot more comfortable telling women that I am ace versus telling men.
Audrey: This can be applied to women and others, but I always feel a little out of place whenever a conversation heads in a sexual direction or friends compare body counts.
Brooke: It’s made it difficult to maintain female friendships, particularly in puberty and teen years when girls were very into confessing sexual fantasies, etc. to each other. There was a feeling that since I didn’t really join in, I was being dishonest or holding back from them.
Droppy: I don’t think it has had any impact per se, since heteronormativity primarily impacted the way I was supposed to interact with men. However, I have found out that my experiences as an asexual (and aromantic) are pretty close to those of lesbian women in certain aspects!
Ebtehal: Since my childhood all I wanted from others was to be friends with them with no sexual nor romantic feelings. And as I spent most of my elementary school in all-girls school and my environment is always girls\women based I had my squishes (which I’ve mistaken them as crushes at first not knowing that there’s something else in life) I think I’m more relaxed now.
And although I’m not openly out yet in my real life and not so much people around me know I’m Ace (or Aro as well), but after figuring out about myself & how I truly feel, knowing that I’m not weird , lost or broken. I can now deal spontaneously with both women & men knowing that friendship is all I want from them and\or maybe close relationship like Queer-Platonic maybe but nothing more.
Fiore: I feel like maybe I come off as very romantical for the only reason that sexual attraction is something I don’t feel, but I always have to explain that being asexual but alloromantic is just what I am.
Jessie: If I’m lucky there are questions, lots of women trying to understand an orientation that hasn’t been as well publicized as many others. It’s made them look at their own cis allosexual/alloromantic relationships with a new nuance. At other times there can be an awkwardness, a wall goes up and, in terms of romantic or allosexual types of relationships, I’m not included in those discussions. And that didn’t feel like the case before I defined my orientation.
Johanna: It changed after the realization that I am asexual.
Now some interactions are not confusing anymore and a certain pressure is gone. Maybe I can not follow every allusion or understand every dirty joke but it does not bother me anymore. Everybody feels and thinks differently and that is okay.
Karimah: My experiences (as a Muslim Indo-Caribbean Ace Cis-Woman) are not represented in Feminist (especially white liberal) spaces, where smashing patriarchy is predominantly represented through solely sexual liberation (narrowly defined/represented) without accounting for those who already smash patriarchy in other ways, feminism must always be intersectional.
Kaye: I often feel left out of things deemed as “normal” because of my orientation. When allosexuality is perceived as the ‘norm’, it is assumed that I should feel the same way, when I don’t. This causes some discussion topics to feel very excluding, unintentionally.
KM: Sometimes I feel ignored, or completely excluded, at times when conversations tend to gear toward sex. They will just assume it’s easier because I’m bound to be made uncomfortable (when I am very much sex-positive) or think I do not have anything to contribute because I haven’t had sex.
*This is not all conversations, and it does improve when boundaries are discussed, but it has happened more than once.
Mari: Asexual women: big sisterhood
Allosexual women: big sisterhood
Unless they say I don’t exist or I’m wrong, that hurts my feelings.
All my female asexual and allosexual friends are great!
S: I feel I cannot openly talk about being ace. People usually don’t understand and think it’s because I had traumas. With allo friends I talk about myself mostly into terms like “you know I am sort of shy with guys”
TR: I can’t relate to them. I feel disconnected when they struggle in relationships and wish I could help them.
Do you want to share any other identities that may intersect with or impact the way that your gender identity/presentation intersects with your orientation? (EG: race, other queer identity, age, ability, etc)
AG: As an Asian person, I am aware of various tropes of both hypersexualization and desexualization in the media. I am also a teenage girl, which is a demographic group that is often sexualized.
Amanda: I’m also disabled, but I feel as though my disability is not exceptionally severe (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), I have a hard time knowing how it paints my perception.
Andy: Probably my age. I’m a minor (15-17) and the “maybe I’m just a late bloomer” tends to pop up in my mind quite frequently. Then I think about it and end up with the conclusion that it is possible but most people my age do experience this type of attraction, even younger I’d say.
AS: I am part Hispanic, white, middle-class, I identify as queer, I am 22, and I am able-bodied. This means that I tend to see myself in ace representation because the ace community is unfortunately dominated by white voices.
Audrey: I am a freshman in college, Korean-American, and I was raised in a Protestant Reformed church. I also identify as somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.
Brooke: I’m white, which means that it’s easy for my asexuality to be read as “purity” that must be “protected,” a privilege that non-white ace women don’t have access to. In order to be a good ally to all in the ace community, I have to actively disrupt the way white supremacy has always wielded white women’s purity as a favorite weapon.
Droppy: Aromanticism probably contributed to that “don’t care what any gender thinks of me” feeling I described at the beginning. Being NB just cemented it.
Ebtehal: I’m Arab\Egyptian, ciswoman, AroAce (Aromantic Asexual) in my late 30s (37 yrs old to be specific), and according to my skin tone I’m one of people of colour (POC) too. I think all that have some impact in one way or another.
Jessie: I’m Jewish. I’m lucky in a lot of ways because nothing has changed about how I’m included in cultural events, holidays, or many celebrations. However, at weddings, particularly with heterosexual couples, it can feel isolating. It highlights the very implicit (and explicit) messaging in the Jewish community to “partner up.” There are blessings to “be fruitful and multiply.” While being in a relationship is something I am very open to, the specifics of my orientation often leave me feeling excluded from certain traditions and beliefs.
Karimah: Other identities that may intersect with me being an Ace cis-woman include being Muslim Indo-Caribbean, the descendant of those who were colonially displaced as indentured labourers to the Caribbean (Trinidad and Guyana) from South Asia (mainly India) and Neurodivergent (invisible disability, OCD+GAD).
Kaye: Because of my age (I’m a teenager), being AFAB and Genderfluid often leads people to assume that me being asexual is me trying to be a “special snowflake” and that I am “too young to know”, when a teen male would not receive that kind of dismissal.
KM: I am 25 years old and also identify as aromantic. Most people seem to have an expectation of what a “woman my age” should be doing with her life at this point. Both my sisters were in serious relationships by this age and were having discussions about raising a family of their own. But that’s just not who I am. There were times when I thought that made me “less than,” but that’s not who I ever wanted to be, even before I realized I was ace or aro.
Mari: Romantic orientation: greyromantic. I often don’t fully fit in aromantic or alloromantic spaces. I don’t know many greyromantic asexual women, and this is a bit lonely.
Some asexual people think all aromantic people are asexual, so I try to change this faulty view they have with activism, because I know alloaro people exist and they have feelings, you know? They also need a safe place.
Gender identity: agender. I think aromanticism, asexuality and agender may be related in my case? Like, I’m not attracted romantically or sexually to gender and I also don’t feel gender. It’s like in my case they are a bundle.
Age: 31. I’m expected to be having casual sex right now, or settle up with a rich man to live happily ever after. As if! Oh, yeah, and the constant shaming for being a virgin at my age. It was a virtue a few decades ago. Since you can’t pick one, probably it’s a stupid concept, isn’t it????
Country I live in: Italy. Italy is still very patriarchal and sees me, a strong independent single woman unattracted to men, as if I were a dangerous problem. They try to have me conform by constantly judging me and showing in media people like me in a bad light. I laugh at them. But it’s also very stressful. Please stop doing that, you’re not paying for the therapy I need because of what you say about people like me.
Relationship style: I’m a Relationship Anarchist. Many asexual (alloromantic) women I know of prefer monogamy. I can’t relate to their experience. I need to hear more stories like mine.
Body weight: since I’m an overweight woman, most people think I’m not sexually attractive anyway, so they both tell me I’m unattractive and that I should find them sexually attractive! Small ego, innit?
Mawadda: I’m mixed race, Muslim, and autistic.
I’m autistic. There’s a misconception that being autistic makes you asexual or not interested in sex, and being an autistic asexual can be confusing because I don’t want to perpetuate stereotypes but I’m also proud of both those identities and want people to know about both of them.
Passant: I’m Muslim, and my religion definitely impacts the intersection between my gender and orientation, more so asexuality than aromanticism. In Islam, sex is forbidden before marriage, but there’s also an expectation of eventually getting married and having sex, and women who don’t do that are almost as stigmatised in the community, but it’s way less talked about because less people struggle with that. I often feel like I’m seen as a disappointment for not wanting to meet that expectation. Moreover, because being a young non-married Muslim implies to people outside of the Muslim community that you haven’t had sex. People often don’t take my asexuality seriously, becaue they think that the only reason I haven’t had sex is because of religious celibacy, while in fact, asexuality and not experiencing sexual attraction, plays a big, possibly even bigger, part in that.
S: Surely AGE (40). Being a white caucasian woman, 40 years old, single. My job also… I work as acrobat and performer and it seems impossible not to have sexual attraction with the job I do.
TR: I’m also Latine/Mexican, 23, autistic, ADHD, aromantic, and Christian. A recent viral tweet challenged Mexican women not to “hit the wall” at age 22, as if we have to stay consumable. The autism and ADHD mean I’m confused all the time, impacting discernment of when men are hitting on me, which is even less desirable with the aromanticism. The pastor of the church I grew up with, though I’m at a better one now, talked an uncomfortable amount about sex and heterosexual relationships. The pastor was also very sexist and crude toward women, speaking to the blandest generalizations. I never wanted a purity ring, but now I’d totally wear an ace ring.
I’m also physically athletic/visibly muscular for my own health/functionality goals, and there’s weird attitudes online sexualizing women for being buff. Like, y’know, “step on me mommy” or whatever they’re into these days. Luisa Madrigal (/Encanto/) is beautiful representation for me.
Upon realizing that you were ace, did you question or change your gender identity or presentation?
AG: I didn’t question my gender identity or presentation upon realizing I was ace, because in my internal sense of self, my gender and my sexual orientation had very little overlap.
Amanda: It was something I questioned when I realized I was ace. However, when I was exploring my labels, I always knew that bisexual never felt right. When I used that label on myself it just felt like I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I knew it wasn’t completely accurate. When I reflected on my gender identity (she/her), I never really had that innate feeling of inaccuracy. As such, I’ve been fairly comfortable with being cisgender.
AS: I did not! I realized I was ace when I was in high school and nothing really about my identity or presentation changed until I realized later on that I was queer. Then, I started to dress the way I wanted and I put space between myself and how I thought others wanted me to present.
Audrey: I didn’t change anything about my identity or presentation, but I did struggle for a bit with the idea that ace people can still dress in a way that makes them feel confident and/or sexy.
Brooke: Since coming out I’ve been shifting my style steadily to a vibe I like to describe as: “No, I’m not interested in men. Yes, I’m married to a man. No, I will not explain.” I did briefly question my gender and decided I am cis, just severely lacking representation of cis women like me.
Droppy: No. My sexual orientation and gender identity were completely separated experiences for me.
Ebtehal: Not really. I’ve always felt I’m the same gender identity I’m assigned at birth. a cisgender female.
Yet living in a heteronormative (& amatonormative) world, throughout my childhood & teens years, they didn’t give me much choices or info about other things in life. Treating anything different or “unusual to the norms” as a threat or a sin!
So it was revolutionary to discover all those spectrums in genders & orientations in my 30s!. I was lucky somehow to have a really precious person who’s gay living with me in a very hostile & conservative community as ours, because wanting to help & support them lead me to know more about the LGBTQ+ community, which helped me to know more about myself & discover new worlds.
Fiore: I think realizing I was ace was the gateway to question my gender identity: basically upon discovering and recognizing the various kinds of attraction I was able to feel, I started to enter more into the details of the whys of every single one of it; the consequence of that was that I also really felt like some of my discomfort was also tied not only to my orientation but also to my gender identity.
Jasmine: Feminity is often represented or perceived as inherently sexual, making me somewhat uncomfortable being seen as a feminine female. Regardless, I still consider myself a cis-gendered female, but the sexual connotations surrounding it still makes me want to be something else.
Jessie: When I finally began to define myself as ace, I didn’t question or change my gender identity, but it did make me feel more comfortable about where I was. No matter what your gender identity is, gender is not a binary. My style has always leaned in a casual tomboy direction, and I stopped feeling embarrassed by that as I became more knowledgeable about the person I am.
Karimah: After self-identifying as Ace I did not question or change my gender identity
Kaye: Realising I was asexual allowed me to dress more freely, as it came with the realisation that my life doesn’t have to revolve around men. Since I realised that men weren’t the center of the universe, it allowed me to disconnect from womanhood and remain attached to femininity.
KM: I actually think the opposite happened. When I realized I was asexual, it helped me realize part of why I chose to present myself the way I did. And in the end, while I may struggle with my confidence at times, I’ve learned to embrace my style and be comfortable in my body and with my identity.
KR: No
Mari: I did not realize I was ace, I realized many others weren’t 😂
I felt like the way I usually dress (casually and deemed unattractive) was probably due to that. I had no interest in being attractive, so I chose clothing I liked, which happened to be unattractive to most (men). Turns out, it’s similar to what soft butch lesbians wear 😀 so THAT’S why they kept asking me if I was a lesbian! I kept wondering why I gave off a lesbian vibe.
Mawadda: I realized my gender identity a few months after realizing I was ace. I identify as a demigirl. I don’t think the two were related to each other.
S: I am ok with my gender identity. Realizing I am ace helped me. But I have a lot of work to do because I feel being ace as a weak point, and I would love to be proud about it.
TR: As I’ve understood myself better and been more relaxed with my self-perception, I have evolved in gender presentation, yes. I used to dress quite pink and feminine in school, but now I just want to feel “gender,” which for me is comfortable, colorful, and cute, with an undercut for sensory issues. I think the idea is that I realized I don’t have to be a set/expected way, like traditionally feminine or straight by default. I can be whoever I want and express whatever makes me feel joyful, and that can change and it’s okay.
Vic: I started to look at my gender along with my sexuality. I knew I was a girl but didn’t aline with the “typical girl” nor did I aline with butch nor all the way to boy. I wasn’t exactly in the middle but not fully girl. I still have the little print out book from Trevor Project and have a circle between half way and girl. It took a long time to finally find a word that fit. Femandrogyne!
How could ace communities better support you?
AB: I already feel well represented as a white female ace. I would like to see more representation for non-white aces.
Amanda: This is going to sound selfish, and it probably is. But, since I’ve always felt like an outsider even when I see ace communities or people leading those environments, I still don’t feel welcome. I’ve been on the side looking in for so long that I’m not sure how to actually be involved in the community. Please extend a helping hand for me because I’m bad at helping myself.
AS: I think ace communities do a great job at supporting people like me! I think we need to do a better job at getting people of color on our platforms to highlight how asexuality is not a white identity.
Audrey: I think more outreach and visibility is always helpful. I didn’t know there was a label for what I was feeling until I became a junior in high school, and until then I felt confused and alone.
Brooke: Tell and welcome more individual stories! I think there’s a lot of pressure, especially on women, to represent all aces at all times. It really holds us back from seeing the full range of ace experience.
Ebtehal: As a recently identified ace they already are doing so much to me right now, providing me with moral support & a place to belong, even if it’s online. and I’m truly grateful.
Erika: Some ace people could be better about aro inclusion. Many aspec groups get treated as asexual groups by default, even if the group’s name specifies that it is for both aces and aros. I have also seen aspec educational materials that seem to include aro identities only as an afterthought, if at all.
Jasmine: I wish there were less discourse surrounding hetero-romantic asexuals. Many people have told me I am “just straight,” and because of that, I tried to date straight men until I realized I couldn’t be with someone who saw me or liked me sexually.
Jessie: I think the ace community just needs to be more vocal. Knowing where the community is (including in other larger LGBTQIA groups) so that there can be more interaction and to continue building the community, I believe, is key.
Karimah: Being more intersectional and decolonial, since when I was first exposed to Ace communities or Aces in pop culture, the default Ace representation was/is white cis-men and women, making it look like being Ace was only acceptable in white bodies. Racialized Aces especially those most marginalized (Trans, Non-Binary and Disabled identities etc.) should be centered and amplified so those who never saw themselves represented can feel seen and validated. Supporting me specifically can look like amplifying Muslim Indo-Caribbean Aces and the larger Indo-Caribbean Ace, Indentured Diasporic Ace, Muslim Ace, Caribbean Ace, Indian Ace and South Asian Ace etc. communities.
KM: I know it hasn’t been easy with the global pandemic, but I hope to see more in-person events for ace folks popping up in the future. The internet, while it can bring people from across the globe together, can also be a vast and scary place, especially where individuals who are ignorant and use their words to attack others’ identities can do so proudly. Sometimes a welcoming physical space with others who understand you can make a world of difference.
Mari: It’s already quite supportive to women. Just, become better at supporting aromantic asexual women. Ask aromantic asexual women how you can improve. Oh but you ARE, with this question, right, thanks. This article is a great support!!!! THANKS
Mawadda: Recognize that people of my religious and racial background can be asexual.
S: Sharing experiences helps me feeling I am not alone. Connecting with other ace people makes me feel accepted and not broken.
TR: Please talk about everyday experiences with more nuance! The loudest ace activism I’ve seen sensationalizes and focuses on violent aphobia, which feels unhelpful to me, especially given aspec’s low visibility in the real world. Talk about how it complicates relationships, subverts expectations, feels isolating in simple ways– more grounded issues we can actually do something about.
What do you wish ace people knew about you or other ace women?
AB: Anyone who uses the label “asexual” is allowed to do so, no matter their experiences. Someone isn’t more or less of an ace based on what they have/haven’t done. One isn’t less of an ace just because they have sex. One isn’t more of an ace just because they don’t have sex. It’s not a competition, and all are welcome under the ace umbrella.
Amanda: With how wide and varied our spectrum is, it can be so easy to alienate ourselves to our labels and subcategories. Sometimes on places I go to see ace communities (I go on reddit too often), it always seems like it’s sex-averse vs sex-favorable. Even though I align with one side of the spectrum that doesn’t mean I hate everyone on the other side.
Andy: We are not unlovable for not wanting to participate in sexual activities, it is possible to have a relationship without forcing yourself to do things you dont want to, and you are not forcing your partner to “miss out” on these experiences. If they do consider sex an important thing in their life and think of it as a dealbreaker in their relationships then maybe you two are not compatible as a couple, and thats okay! But the bottomline is, you don’t owe anything to anyone 🙂 I myself struggle believing this, and find myself thinking I will never have a happy relationship because I would “deprive” my partner from this form of intimacy but I know it’s not true ^^
AS: I tend to agree with a lot of things ace people discuss – we see each other in ways allosexuals don’t. We are some of the most accepting and sex positive people in the queer community and in communities in general!
Brooke: That being treated like the “default” ace experience actually erases many of our specific struggles.
Ebtehal: As I’m still working my way through AroAce life don’t really know what to expect or ask for yet. Sorry if it’s not helpful.
Erika: I think that we all have to remember that ace and aro women are very diverse. We very frequently find ourselves representing our identities to somebody who has never heard of them before. When this happens, we need to be very clear that our individual experience is not the definitive experience.
Jasmine: I wish more people knew that asexual hetero-romantic is not synonymous with heterosexuality; it can manifest itself similarly. However, we are still in the community and do not experience things the same as people who are allo.
Jessie: Asexuality is defined by a “lack” of something, but we should always have, and make, space to talk about what we do desire, like romance, a relationship (however specific that may be), or anything else. Because those things are just as important, if not more so, than sex.
Kaye: That all asexual people are very valid and very cool human beings 🙂
Karimah: Like other Aces, we are an entire spectrum, every woman who is Ace would identify with their Ace-ness differently, we have a multitude of nuanced experiences that will be different for each of us based on our intersectional positionalities.
KM: In a society that seems to have such a stigma around sex, especially for women, some of us just aren’t interested. Some women will never have sex in their lives. Some will because it’ll make their partner happy, or because they enjoy the activity itself. It is not because they are broken, or “trying to hard,” or are “destined to be alone forever.” Just because they don’t feel sexual attraction does not mean we will never find love or have a meaningful life. We exist, and we matter just as much as any other orientation.
Mari: Don’t assume that since I’m female presenting and use she/her pronouns then it means I’m cis. I’m not. Also, if ace women (or women in general) dress sexy, that does not mean they want to attract people! They may want to look sexy because they like looking like that in the mirror!
Mawadda: We’re not all the same. We don’t always have the same experiences. Some aces are sex-repulsed, I’m sex-favorable. Some aces are white, I’m mixed-race. Some aces are non-religious, I’m Muslim.
S: I wish ace people could empower themselves observing the energy and force it takes to be ace in this world.
TR: I appreciate having ways to describe my feelings, especially with alexythmia clouding so many others. Relationship to sex is so moralized in society, especially for women, and neutral validation is important.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other ace women?
AB: We aren’t broken, nothing is wrong with us, and no, we aren’t missing out on any crucial life experiences by being asexual. Do not feel bad for us or pity us, we’re doing just fine.
AG: I didn’t question my gender identity or presentation upon realizing I was ace, because in my internal sense of self, my gender and my sexual orientation had very little overlap.
Amanda: That we aren’t all the same. We have so many different shades of asexual in comparison to some other labels that often we get stereotyped into the same kind of person. But, just like the world, we’re all different people with different experiences and I really wish allos could accept and embrace us as we are instead of what they believe we are.
Andy: Asexuality isn’t something to be pitied about! Please don’t say “I’m sorry” or anything along the lines when we tell you we are ace. Please don’t expect us to grow out of it. I’m still young so, maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but don’t expect me to. (this is just my personal opinion)
AS: God, so much. We can have sex. We can be in relationships. We can be in relationships with men. We are allowed to change our identity. We are allowed to be feminine. I was ace years before I was taken advantage of. Please do not ask me about my personal sex life. We can look and dress and act however we want!
Audrey: I have no libido and I’m sex-repulsed, but I’m not a prude. The idea of having sex just makes me anxious, so I’d appreciate if you were mindful of that. And no, I was not abused as a child.
Brooke: That asexuality is not a “get out of misogyny free” card.
Droppy: Please, stop equating asexuality with low libido or hating sex and actually listen to us when we try to explain it. There is a ton of misinformation about asexuality, and it often comes from supposedly trustworthy authorities like sexologists or therapists. But most of it often comes from a stance of pathologization towards us.
Ebtehal: To know we (as Asexuals & Aromantics) exist! and Stop questioning our feelings or the whole orientation. To not be threatened by our existence ( that goes for the LGBTQ community too to be honest!)
To understand that sexual attraction is not everything in love, sex is important but not necessarily defines the person’s happiness or shapes their life..And romantic love is not the only love that exists in life, other shapes & types count too. And there’s people in life who really don’t mind being single.
Emi: I’d like allo people to know that being asexual means only one thing: we don’t feel sexual attraction to other people. Asexual women can still have a libido, enjoy sexual pleasure, dress sexy, and be in romantic relationships.
Erika: I wish that certain allos would just research what aromanticism and asexuality are, rather than make assumptions. Or, failing that, to at least not act like they understand these identities better than aro/ace people.
Jasmine: I wish allo people knew that ace/aro people are not less human because we do not experience something most people think are “needs.”
Furthermore, I wish they knew that just because women are asexual, it does not correlate to religion, purity culture, or what society has told us.
Jessie: So few allo people understand that asexuality and aromanticism are different things (if they have heard those terms at all). Those in the LGBTQIA community are not the only ones who should be educated. And, being ace doesn’t mean you are incomplete in some way.
Johanna: We are individuals. Some ace women are okay with sex, some are not. Some are innocent, some are not. Also do not put disinterest in sex on the same level as innocent or think that ace women just need to be enlighten by your sexual knowledge. Talk to your ace women and get to know her/them before you make assumptions.
Please respect our boundaries and do not view us as “broken“ or assume that we see ourselves as something better.
Karimah: We are an entire spectrum, NOT a stereotype reduced to ‘a phase’, we are NOT ‘broken’, ‘robotic’, ‘prudish’, ‘need fixing’ etc. We are multidimensional, with nuanced experiences that will be different for each Ace woman based on our intersectional positionalities.
Kaye: I wish allo people would realize that it isn’t a phase, and that we actually aren’t sexually attracted to anyone.
KR: We are an entire spectrum, NOT a stereotype reduced to ‘a phase’, we are NOT ‘broken’, ‘robotic’, ‘prudish’, ‘need fixing’ etc. We are multidimensional, with nuanced experiences that will be different for each Ace woman based on our intersectional positionalities.
Mari: Asexual does not mean no libido or no sexual activity. Also, don’t use me as the only asexual example, there are many asexual women experiences out there. Listen to all those stories and tell the others.
Mawadda: We actually don’t experience sexual attraction. It’s not just that we don’t like men or don’t like sex or something. In fact, some aces, like myself, do like sex.
Passant: I wouldn’t say that this is limited to women, but I wish allo people knew that asexuality isn’t a medical condition that needs to be treated. I wish allo people knew that sexual desire or attraction is not, contrary to popular belief, a basic human quality or requirement, and that some humans, evident by the existence of aces, can live a fulfilled life without sexual attraction or sex at all. I would also like to point out that being asexual doesn’t immediately imply being aromantic, sometimes they intersect, and sometimes they don’t.
S: I wish allo people could understand. Without seeing us as broken or traumatized. I wish they could respect and be open to our vulnerabilities.
TR: That I was ace without me having to explain it, but I know I need to improve at communication. And also the difference between arousal and attraction, as not understanding can makes things awkward, and I’d much rather not get into articulating it myself, though learning about it did help me feel more valid.
Vic: Not all of us want to talk about boys and dating! Why can’t we talk about the latest TV show or movie we watched?