May is International Masturbation Month. Many people have assumptions about how aspec people, particularly ace people, interact with masturbation and libido – from thinking that people with libidos can’t be asexual to not understanding that masturbation may not be sexual for some people, or that sexual pleasure is not incompatible with asexuality.
Many people volunteered to share their experiences, and we are incredibly grateful to all of them for that. This is the third and last of multiple articles on Aspec Perspectives on Masturbation and Libido.
Introductions
Adrienne – My a-spec identities are Demisexual and Graysexual.
Alphena – I’m a Demi-Bi-Romantic Asexual, and I use They/She pronouns.
Beatriz Pelaez – I am cisgender, hetero, demi gray aroace
Cyrus (she/her) – I am a cis woman. I identify as homoromantic asexual (or lesbian asexual). I feel more or less sex-neutral to sex-indifferent and averse.
Dez (they/them) – Aegosexual, Grayromantic
Ellie – I identify as heteroromantic aegosexual
Eva – My identity is panromantic asexual aegosexual
Ignazio – Asexual transman
Jinx (they/them) – I am asexual (I vary from being favorable to being neutral to being repulsed. I also have a high libido) and panromantic
Karin – I identify as demisexual or greysexual.
Mowmow – I’m Asexual Aromantic (questioning demiromantic).
Noah (he/she/they) – I am asexual and aromantic
Questions
What is your relationship with your libido or masturbation?
Adrienne: My relationship with libido and masturbation is difficult and almost non-existent. However, I do masturbate occasionally and experience libido under certain conditions. Almost all of those conditions revolve around my partner, since I’m demi. It means that I typically only experience libido with my partner around and only with my partner.
Alphena: For me, I’m relatively sex-neutral, so especially in a situation with a partner, it’s kinda a “well if you want to”. However, when I have any need for sex, my go to is masturbation, scratch the itch and move on.
BP: I discovered masturbation by accident when I was very young, however I never felt it directed towards anyone, just a sudden, annoying urge I’d feel whenever. With adulthood, I used these annoying spurges to try to understand what I liked physically or not, for when I eventually had a boyfriend. With time, these sudden urges have become more annoying, since I never want to be sexually involved with anyone just because I get this sudden need. I use it mostly when I’m bored, but otherwise, it is bothersome for me.
Cyrus: I have an average to low libido and can be aroused by certain thoughts or fantasies (rarely from visual stimuli). I like to masturbate because it’s good for me. It makes me more open to express myself and have a good body image.
Dez: My libido has been a fairly integral part of a good part of my life. I enjoy it and allow myself to indulge when needed.
Eva: My body is aroused by sexual content and I enjoy masturbation. However, at the same time, I have no interest in engaging in any form of sexual activity. Sometimes, I also just masturbate because it can help relieve stress and is enjoyable as a physical process.
Ignazio: Libido is something I have only experienced over the past year after starting testosterone. Participation in sexual activity really came to the forefront of my life, where in the past my relationship with sex was on the back burner.
Masturbation has become a manual practice, something that my body tells me I have to do to relieve pressure in the body, not out of sexual need.
Jinx: I have a high libido, but sometimes I am repulsed by all sexual activities. I still masturbate when I’m repulsed, but I don’t find it ‘sexual’, it’s more to make the feeling go away.
Karin: It’s complicated. During puberty I started to feel a lot of sexual feelings but never towards people. My libido has varied with time and sometimes I don’t think about sex for months. Touching myself also turns me off completely with one exception. I’ve only been sexually attracted to one partner and with them was the only time I found sex or masturbating satisfying.
Mowmow: Most times I hate it. I’ve never understood the enjoyment of it, however I do it because it makes it easier to cope with. If it disappeared one day, I wouldn’t miss it.
Noah: I have what I would consider a pretty regular libido and normally masturbate around once a week. For a decent chunk of my life I didn’t really want to accept that I had a libido (unrelated to being aspec) but I’ve come to a place of peace with its role in my life. I find pleasure in masturbating but it’s not something that’s overly important to me.
How does your libido or masturbation intersect with being aspec for you?
Adrienne: Libido intersects with being aspec by showing others that aspec people aren’t just celibate or abstinent. I think that having a libido and masturbating as an aspec person allows me a greater understanding of what it means to be aspec.
Alphena: Because my answer for my libido is much more, I can handle this and is never directed at another person of “I want sex with that person”, to me it goes very hand in hand with my asexual identity.
BP: As said, I’m gray asexual, I’ve felt very limited sexual attraction towards others during my life, and it is mostly annoying because when I feel aroused, it is just sudden, no one is causing it. I can be alone at home working, and it can appear just like that. Sometimes it is irritating, but I just deal with it and get it out of the way. Other times I simply ignore it, since I know it will fade again as fast as it came. I’d say it’s very annoying not wanting to be sexually involved with anyone particular and to have a body with a high libido that decides on its own when it feels aroused, just because.
Cyrus: Although having sexual fantasies and masturbation is fun, I rarely direct it to a specific person. I don’t think I have ever felt any sexual attraction to someone (not even to my current romantic partner).
Dez: For me, it fulfills a need that allosexual people may have.
Ellie: I think it makes my experience more complex. I feel like society expects me not to have libido and masturbate because I’m asexual, especially because I am also sex-averse.
Eva: Being aspec with libido has helped me segregate and better understand my needs. In the heteronormative society, all forms of sexual needs are put into the same bucket. As an aspec who masturbates, I could differentiate that even though I do have a libido, I am still not sexually attracted to another person to have sex with them.
Ignazio: It was difficult at first, many questioned my aspec identity due to my high libido. The constant questions of “you don’t act asexual”, along with the other things many of us hear, really made me meditate on this identity. But, I came to learn just how different attraction and libido where.
Karin: Finding out about aspec identities helped me finally understand my sexuality and that there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s the reason I very rarely experience sexual attraction or a desire to act on my libido. It’s hard to think of a way that they don’t intersect for me.
Mowmow: It seems to affect me being ace most. I always feel judged by myself for having to do it. There’re also bits to say about growing up while believing I was allo affected me more than anything. If I learned about asexuality earlier maybe I wouldn’t have felt forced to try masturbation.
Noah: I think that it helps to solidify the idea that sexual attraction is only one aspect of sex. Attraction, libido, and desire can all be experienced individually and asexual people can still experience different aspects of sexuality. My personal attitude is pretty neutral, I desire some form of partnership in life and if sex is something important to the other person than I’m more than open to trying things.
Did your libido or masturbation make it harder to tell that you were aspec?
Adrienne: Yes, it did make it more difficult to tell that I was aspec. When I first experienced libido, I was concerned that I had lied to myself and others about my aspec identities. After further research and soul searching, I realized that having a libido and being aspec didn’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Alphena: Oh definitely. I really enjoy my experiences with masturbation. Especially a lot of my early encounters with other aspec people were completely sex-repulsed or sex-negative. It really made me feel that because I enjoyed this practice, I couldn’t be ace and there was just something else wrong with me.
BP: It absolutely did! I just came to terms with being gray aroace a few months ago, because I didn’t have enough information about the subject, and because I thought that feeling this aroused, even if it wasn’t towards anyone, could not make me asexual at all. I had heard the term “asexual” in my college years, but since I believed that being asexual meant feeling no arousal at all (not knowing there’s more to it than just that side), I just thought it wasn’t me. But the feeling of maybe being a bit asexual never went away, and it was recently that I discovered the term gray, as well as the difference between just having a high libido and sexual attraction.
Cyrus: At first, yes. I used to be confused because I thought being asexual means disliking any sexual activity. But now I realize, as an asexual, it doesn’t mean I hate sex, more like I just don’t understand how others feel sexual attraction towards a specific person, which I do not.
Dez: It definitely did. I thought that because I enjoyed masturbation I would also enjoy sex with another person, but the few times I’ve tried, I couldn’t get into it.
Ellie: Definitely. I feel like I am very sexual person in this aspect, and it was hard for me to accept that I’m on the ace-spectrum because of it. Finding the term aegosexuality and reading about other people’s experiences made me feel more confident about my identity.
Eva: I have been criticized by strangers and friends both from aspec and non-aspec communities regarding my orientation. I realized that I had also internalized a lot of this criticism. In addition, sometimes the follow-up questions on my orientation get too personal and uncomfortable. As a result, I sometimes shy away from sharing these details about my life with others.
Ignazio: For me quite the opposite, upon starting HRT I had noticed my libido skyrocket. However, my lack of sexual attraction remained. This prompted me to do some exploring, finding ace spaces and learning about the spectrum, this gave me a sense of understanding for something I did not realize I was experiencing.
Jinx: It definitely did. Before I knew I accepted that I’m ace I thought that wanting sex and masturbation were the same as experiencing sexual attraction- I thought I was bisexual, then I thought I was pansexual.
Karin: Yes, I would debate back and forth with myself about if I was asexual or not before I found out about the spectrum. I had a libido, but no real way or need to satisfy it. Intellectually I wanted to have sex, but I just didn’t feel that way towards anybody. I felt like a walking contradiction.
Mowmow: When I was first leaning about asexuality I started thinking I can’t be because I masturbate. Lucky enough the resource I was using already had an answer for that, some Aspec people do masturbate. So, thanks to that resource I was able to accept being ace faster. Without that I would have had a very hard time figuring it all out.
Noah: YES! For a really long time I was scared to claim asexual as a label for myself because I still had a libido and masturbated. It was only when I found proper definitions for attraction that I started feeling comfortable claiming a label I already resonated with.
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by having a libido or masturbating?
Alphena: Inside aspec communities, I just don’t talk about it. It feels like if I do, I have to rejustify myself as aspec. It becomes part of my experience I can’t talk about.
BP: I can’t really say it has impacted me, I just recently started reading about the subject this year, because I encountered someone that identifies himself as gray aro, and listening to him made me decide to explore the subject again. This is how I understood that I was both gray aro and ace, and it stayed there, getting information on my own, in forums or Instagram, but never interacting with the community. I just don’t feel the need to do it.
Cyrus: Some, aspec people included, may still confuse the difference between sexual attraction and libido. I’ve had few aspec friends came to me and asked, “why do I like [masturbating]?” I just say, well, it just means you like sexual pleasure and the sensation of it!
Dez: It hasn’t really impacted me much because I don’t really hang out in aspec communities or with a lot of aspec folk.
Ellie: Sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t belong, because I can’t connect with the sex-repulsed aces. But on the other hand, having aegosexual community makes me feel more seen.
Eva: I have had some infuriating experiences when I tried sharing my choices with some friends from aspec. I would have appreciated it if there was a little more conversation around libido and masturbation in ace circles. I also realized that sometimes I would have to be the active speaker in some of these places because someone out there has to start this conversation, so why not me?
Ignazio: There isn’t much talk about sexual activity. My local support wants no discussion surrounding one’s relationship with sex. It has made me feel out of place with other aspec individuals when it looks like I am the only one struggling with sexual issues. I know this isn’t true, but the way the space is conducted, it makes me feel like I don’t belong.
Jinx: When I first looked into the ace community I did come across aces that were unwelcoming. But as I discovered more ace accounts I realized what being asexual means, and that I am a valid ace.
Karin: When I discovered the aspec community I discovered that asexuality was a spectrum and that it was possible to have a libido and masturbate while being asexual. However aspec communities are not a monolith and sometimes generalizations are made about asexuality that don’t take into account the greyer areas.
Mowmow: I lurk a lot but most of the comments and posts I’ve seen are very inclusive. The community seems very open to the fact aspec people have personal experiences but if they identify as aspec then they’re aspec. I may have got lucky with what I’ve seen.
Noah: I haven’t had much personal experience in the broader aspec community but conversations around libido and masturbation are pretty sparse from what I’ve seen. Because of this lack of conversations around asexual libido, it took me so much longer to claim asexuality for myself..
How could aspec communities better support you?
Adrienne: I would like more support and visibility for the sub-identities under asexual. I feel like both allos and aspec people sometimes think that asexual is a certain type of person, likely one who doesn’t experience libido or masturbation, and that’s not all of us. If more people knew about demi or grey sexuality and what they entailed I feel I would be more comfortable in aspec spaces.
Alphena: The biggest thing I think aspec community needs to do is accept how each of us experience things differently. I don’t care what the topic is, we have something in common, but we have a lot of differences and I think we need to celebrate our differences more.
BP: That being in the asexual spectrum is more complex than one might think, and that the only ones that can decide wetter we are within that spectrum, are ourselves. The experience is different for each individual, and it is related to one’s life experiences and perspectives. The most important thing is to accept and respect each other, no matter if we can understand or agree with other people’s opinion. No one has the right to dictate how you may feel or who you might be, only you can decide it. Being part of any minority is difficult and confusing, but you will find what suits you best with time, so be kind and patient with yourself. Surround yourself with people that will try to understand you.
Cyrus: Aspec communities need to be more understanding that sexual attraction is different from libido. An asexual person may or may not have a sexual drive or a libido, and both are valid. It is detached from the identity – it is simply human emotion and response towards a certain stimulation.
Dez: It would be nice if this side of asexuality was more celebrated. Whether we have a libido, are sex-averse, or apthetic to it, we’re all still aspec.
Ellie: I would like to see a better representation of different aspec labels, like demi-, aego-, gray- etc.
Eva: A simple conversation on topics such as aces with libido and masturbation would be a good start. Also, just accepting each other for who we are would be so nice!
Ignazio: Make space to have these discussions, and don’t be part of the group of people that automatically question an ace identity when there is a relationship with libido and masturbation. Maintain the space for sex free discussions, but also facilitate for those who struggle with issues like this.
Jinx: I think that ace communities are doing a great job supporting aces that have a libido/masturbates already.
Karin: A lot of communities do a great job of bringing the spectrum aspect of asexuality to the forefront which is wonderful. I think it would be good to remember that every aspec person is different and to not discount people’s own experience of asexuality.
Noah: I think just continuing to have conversations around asexuals who experience libido and choose to masturbate is important, highlighting all asexual experiences as valid.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other aspec people with libidos and/or who masturbate?
Adrienne: That we’re still aspec and largely have very similar experiences to a lot of aspec people.
Alphena: Just because I have an itch I chose to scratch doesnt make me less ace, or have less in common with other aspecs. My relationship with any sexual acts has nothing to do with my sexual attraction, and I still want that community and support from other aspec folks.
BP: That being in the asexual spectrum is more complex than one might think, and that the only ones that can decide whether we are within that spectrum, are ourselves. The experience is different for each individual, and it is related to one’s life experiences and perspectives. The most important thing is to accept and respect each other, no matter if we can understand or agree with other people’s opinion. No one has the right to dictate how you may feel or who you might be, only you can decide it. Being part of any minority is difficult and confusing, but you will find what suits you best with time, so be kind and patient with yourself. Surround yourself with people that will try to understand you.
Cyrus: They need to know that not every aspec are negative towards every sexual activity. Sexual pleasure and libido are cool things to feel and want to experience. Acknowledge that not every aspec people have the same identical experience. These things do not negate our identity.
Dez: We exist, and we still don’t like sex. Asexual does not equal no libido.
Ellie: I wish they knew, that having a libido or masturbating has nothing to do with our asexuality – if you have a libido or masturbate you are not any less or more asexual than if you don’t.
Eva: Not all aces are the same! We should try our best to respect each other. If you have questions, ask us, but don’t discriminate or make us feel uncomfortable just because you do not understand us.
Ignazio: Simply that libido and masturbation doesn’t interfere with lack of sexual attraction. Each of these things are different, and while they can work with each other, the are also separate entities in our lives.
Karin: I wish that aspec people knew how my libido or masturbation experience can be very different depending on the circumstances or time in my life. It also differs from asexual person to asexual person. This can make it difficult to figure out you’re aspec.
Noah: Nobody is “less asexual” because of what parts of sexuality they experience. A united community accepting the diverse range of experiences is really important in supporting everyone involved (that’s why aspec is a spectrum).
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aspec people with libidos and/or who masturbate?
Adrienne: That it doesn’t make us less aspec, and doesn’t make us “just classic romantics” with other identities. We’re still aspec and we still face identity issues and fitting in issues surrounding being aspec. Having a libido or masturbating doesn’t make you any one identity or another, and doesn’t exclude being aspec.
Alphena: Just because I’m Asexual does not mean that I do not have sex, I do not ever want sex, and that sex is this thing I have nothing to do with. I personally enjoy it, and enjoy masturbation, and I sometimes even really want sex. They are not mutually exclusive, so please stop making me feel like I’m not allowed to even think about it to maintain my identity.
BP: Assuming is easy, but listening and trying to be open-minded/understanding is difficult. Try to be open about the subject, the world isn’t as structured as you might think. There’s a lot of diversity within communities, and it is not anyone’s decision to be who they are by nature, it’s just how it is. Respect others, and if they do not pose any threat to anyone by being who they are, then please be kind and let everyone be their true selves. You might not agree or understand, but it does not mean you cannot be supportive.
Cyrus: Having a libido and masturbating doesn’t always mean we want to do or consent to a partnered sex. Don’t think or say the “real” sex is better, because sexual pleasure can be achieved differently for different people, and if they decide not to have sex with someone else, just let them be.
Dez: Asexuality is a spectrum. Some of us have a libido, others are completely averse to anything of the sort. It’s all normal. Also, just because we like our own pleasure doesn’t mean we want pleasure from you 😛
Ellie: I wish they knew having a libido or masturbating doesn’t mean you want to have a sexual interaction with anyone and that it doesn’t invalidate our aceness
Eva: We exist and no we are not lying about our libidos or sexual attraction. There are a good amount of people from the aspec community who feel the same. Libido and sexual attraction are not the same things. Again ask questions if you have doubts!
Ignazio: Much like mentioned above, there is no blanket term that covers all acts deemed sexual. Jumping to questioning aspec identities when someone is open about their libido or masturbation habits can be damaging to our trust in you as support or safe space. While discussion is important, it needs to be welcomed and come from a place of genuine interest to learn more about your aspec friends, family, and loved ones.
Jinx: I wish they knew that just because we have libido/masturbate does not mean that we’re not ace. Sexual attraction and having a libido/masturbation is not the same thing!
Karin: I wish that allo people knew that there are loads of ways to experience attraction and sexual feelings and that there are multiple types of attraction. I also wish they knew that not being able to masturbate isn’t just being a prude or “doing it wrong”. Lastly, just because you have sexual feelings doesn’t mean you want to have sex!
Mowmow: Action doesn’t equal sexual attraction. Just because I masturbate doesn’t mean I’ve gained sexual attraction to people, just means I did something to help me carry on with my week.
Noah: Asexual people who masturbate and have libido are still asexual. Experiencing and engaging with certain aspects of sexuality doesn’t mean that asexual people are any less valid in their identity.