“Straight” is often used to mean the opposite of “queer”, and therefore many people think that straight or hetero people don’t belong in or are not part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Unfortunately, this can impact asexual and aromantic people, as it is possible for them to have heteromantic or heterosexual attraction or desire even while they are ace, aro, or aroace. For Pride Month, we wanted to shine a light on those aspec people who identify as straight or hetero in any way, as this month is for them as well.
This article is the second of several focused on straight or hetero aspecs – this one includes all aromantic people, some of whom are also asexual, who identify as straight or hetero.
Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
A – Cis woman, heterosexual, greyromantic
Diana – she/they pronouns, malay, hetero-aroace
Eileen – hetero-demirose @Eileen Blum
Leo – I am heterosexual cisgender male, also aromantic/quoiromantic. Hope that’ll do.
Luscinia – My aspec identities are Aromantic and AlloAro, and I am heterosexual
Sonja – I am from Germany and 30 years old. I identify as an oriented aroace because I feel platonic, emotional and aesthetic attraction towards the opposite gender, but have never felt romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone.
Vane – I’m heteromantic, demi aroace, demi girl and neuroqueer.
Questions
Do you like to use the word straight for yourself, or is there another word you prefer?
A: Yes, I am straight/heterosexual
Diana: I don’t really like being called just ‘straight’ and prefer being called a hetero-aroace, rather than just straight.
Eileen: I have for most of my life before I came out to myself and I can still pass as straight if I have to but there is often such a stigma against straight ppl in lgbtquia+ spaces that I don’t use it there because I still feel I have to prove I belong sometimes.
Leo: Straight is generally defined as heterosexual and heteroromantic, and therefore I tend to use hetero or cis instead.
Luscinia: I do not use the word straight to describe myself. Since I am aromantic, I do not consider myself straight. My working definition of “straight” is someone who identifies as heterosexual, heteroromantic, and cisgender. Since I am not heteroromantic, I am not straight. I am an aromantic person that happens to be heterosexual.
Sonja: I prefer to call myself oriented asexual or aroace. I do not use straight, because per the most popular definition, it describes someone who is sexually and/or romantically attracted to the opposite gender, which does not apply to me.
Vane: I’m not exactly straight, I identify as demigirl.
Do you identify as queer?
A: Not really, they are very welcoming people that would consider me as such, but I don’t feel fully the right to say that i am queer because of the fact that i am heterosexual.
Diana: Yes, because amatonormativity is so ingrained in my culture that I just feel like I can’t fit in because I don’t necessarily have strong inclinations towards these things.
Eileen: Yes I do
Leo: I can’t really identify as queer because it’s about no-normative sexual and gender identities. The term “queer” excludes romantic minorities.
Luscinia: Yes, without a doubt. My experience as aromantic person is inherently queer when compared against amatonormativity.
Sonja: It kind of varies. I’d like to, because I am not cishet. But the ongoing discourse and erasure of the ace community makes me feel a little discouraged to call myself queer or LGBTQ+.
Vane: Yup, especially Neuroqueer
How does being straight or hetero intersect with being aspec for you?
A: I think that as a heterosexual person there is even more pressure from society to follow the “normal way”. So for many it is very hard to comprehend how can i be sexually attracted to men without wanting to get into a relationship with them.
Diana: I would say that being hetero and aromantic are inseparable for me. It really plays a part with my experiences since while I found men aesthetically attractive and wanted to be close to them. I never actually wanted to be in a relationship or want anything to do with couple-y things and the idea that someone might want to date me made me super uncomfortable.
Being ace doesn’t intersect that much with being hetero since I was never interested in anyone in that way.
Eileen: It is hard for me as a ciswoman because straight allo men claim to be fine with my low libido when they actually aren’t. It is also unfortunately uncommon for people to want to be “friends first” on dating apps for example.
Leo: Being allosexual and aromantic is challenging because in a world full of romance and amatonormativity I can’t fulfill my sexual needs without engaging in any kind of romantic activities – It usually comes together.
Lusciana: It feels natural to me to be aro and heterosexual because I have been that way my entire life. However, it is harder to relate to other aspecs at times. A lot of other aspec are either non-hetero alloaces, non-hetero alloaros, or non-hetero-oriented aroaces so trying to understand others and be understood is a little challenging at times.
Sonja: I had “crushes” in the past and was firmly convinced that I was fully straight for a long time because of that. Only at 26 years old did I learn about asexuality and realized that I was not. I still call what I feel “love” though, because there is simply no other word to properly describe it.
Vane: At first I thought it was weird and problematic, because of the friction between the LGBT+ community and the straight community have, but then I saw that it’s not a bad thing, because I saw that there is room for queer straights, especially if their identities are on a spectrum
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by being straight or hetero?
A: Within the aspec community i have met nothing but understanding and open people that do not invalidate my aromaticiscm because of my sexual attraction.
Diana: When it came to my aromanticism, I didn’t feel aro enough because the general assumption is for you to not be attracted to anyone and that’s not accurate for me since I am still attracted to the opposite sex to a lesser degree. I felt more validated when I discovered aspec-friendly spaces.
Eileen: In this context it hasn’t really. Most aspec fb groups I’m in I have not felt judged.
Leo: The aspec community is understanding and kind, so there were no major problems with interacting with other aspec folks. Although aroallos are a minority (compared with aroaces), non-straight aspec people don’t judge nor discriminate.
Luscinia: I feel a disconnect from the rest of the heterosexuals because most are also heteroromantic. Lots of people my age are looking for long lasting romantic relationships. They are looking to get married and have kids. I want none of that. The hetero-normative, amatonormative script just doesn’t work for me.
Sonja: From what I have seen so far, most ace people are very accepting and kind towards hetero-oriented people (or any other orientation for that matter).
Vane: Yes, I was affected, because I before being a demigirl, I was very worried about being within the Aspec community, because in itself, I felt that I was not welcome because of my old gender identity (straight) and for having questioned some Aspec representations in the media
How is your experience in queer communities impacted by being straight or hetero?
A: It’s hard to feel part of the lgtbqia+ community in general because i am heterosexual. I do understand their point of view though, because I do not experience the sort of harassment queers would, so they feel like I am taking part of their community without understanding the struggle of the heteronormative society. Alloromantics, both part of the queer community and not, usually don’t understand our feelings and what we are going through. I feel like we can only understand ourselves and feel safe within the aspec community because they are the only ones that get the feeling of not fully understanding attraction.
Diana: Quite positive, the communities I frequent are accepting of hetero aspecs.
Eileen: In the larger queer community I do still sometimes feel that being hetero-oriented makes me ineligible. I was harassed when I first tried to join a LGBT titled group by someone who claimed that I had too many labels and did not belong because the group was specifically called LGBT. After reporting this to admin tho the person was kicked out of the group and they added a Q on the end of the group name.
Leo: Don’t have enough experience in queer communities, can’t answer.
Lusciana: I feel like a spicy ally rather than an actual member of the community. The rest of the queer community is great at excluding hetero people in the community, whether they are hetero trans people, hetero aspec people, etc. If your queer identity doesn’t include a sexuality in which you experience attraction to genders like your own, the majority of the community won’t knowledge you existence as a “real” queer person.
Sonja: This is a mixed bag. I have not been very active in queer communities so far and therefore cannot say much for myself. This kind of ties in with my answer to question number 2 as well. Most people do not differentiate or care about the differences between “straight” aces and otherwise oriented aces.
Vane: It’s something that cost me to understand and at the same time it scared me to say my neuroqueer identity
How is your experience with other straight or hetero people impacted by being aspec?
A: Adding to my previous statement, if queer alloromantics don’t understand our experience, within straight people is even worse. Queers tend to have more of this sense of acceptance, where as within my straight peers, when ever I try to explain my experience, a lot of the responses are:
- Are you sure you don’t have some sort of trauma?
- You just haven’t met the right one yet
Overall I try to avoid the topic if I am not very close with the person.
Diana: Can be positive and negative. I don’t mind talking about super surface-level things about people we find attractive but once you talk about not wanting to be in a relationship, they are so quick to invalidate you with the usual comments like “you’ll find someone someday” or implying that you will change your mind.
Eileen: Whenever we talk about sex or romance it is very clear to me that I do not have the same experiences as straight allos. I feel weird and judged when people are shocked by things like my disinterest in porn.
Leo: Some of the straight people I came out to didn’t understand me, they said: “it’s just a phase” or “you’ll find the one” or “you’re too young to know” (I’m turning 19 in July, for context). Some of them, on the other hand, were supportive and understanding. I’m not too open about being aromantic, so there’s some lack of experience there.
Luscinia: Allies, the few that exist, are very understanding and accepting. I love and appreciate them. Every other hetero/straight person looks at me like I am broken, that I made something up to explain why I’m still single, or trying to be “different”.
Sonja: Luckily, the few people I have told about it, are very understanding and accepting. I occasionally feel a bit alienated by society’s focus on straight (sexual/romantic) relationships, but that is about it.
Vane: With my family it has been a moderate experience despite a little teasing from my mom and my aunt; because they watch a lot of very centrist talk shows, with my zucchini; it has been a beautiful experience, because I feel very happy to receive such beautiful support from his part, and in real life I keep it low profile for fear
How could aspec communities better support you?
Diana: Most of the aspec communities that i have seen are very supportive towards each other and actually helped validate my identity by knowing that you can feel limited attraction towards people and still be aro. In terms of support, I personally think they are doing a good job of it.
Eileen: I think they are doing just fine
Leo: Some representation would be nice. I often hear aroace voices, yet aroallos are not nearly as known and represented.
Lusciana: Don’t assume that every aspec person is aroace. Don’t assume every ace is sex repulsed. Don’t assume every aro is romance repulsed. Some of use want either romance and/or sex despite not having the attraction. Some of us still have sexual or romantic attraction and are still valid members of the aspec community.
Sonja: It is important to spread information and education about asexuality and aromanticism, which is already happening. Maybe then one day, obscure identities like “hetero-oriented aroace” and others will be more widely known as well.
Vane: Have more posts to mark differences between aspec and neurodivergent to avoid the feeling of feeling stereotyped
How could queer communities better support you?
A: Just by acknowledging us, just because I am heterosexual doesn’t mean that we can’t experience attraction related struggles, our experience are as valid as a queer aspec.
Diana: Far more visibility honestly. I don’t think hetero aspecs are talked about a lot (whether they are arohet, hetace and etc) and I don’t think there is a great understanding of aro aces like me who have a degree of attraction.
Eileen: Accept aspec people as such regardless of orientation.
Leo: From the little experience I had in queer spaces, aromanticism is left aside – I wish queer communities knew more about aromanticism.
Luscinia: Don’t throw aros under the bus to appease straight people by saying that being queer is about love or “being able to love who we want to love”. Not all queer people experience romantic love. Some queer people are loveless aros, who don’t experience love at all. If you can’t stand up for all queer people in the community, you are part of the problems that we still face as a community.
Sonja: It is important that not only aspec people speak up, but that other people make an effort as well. I wish that queer and cishet people alike were more open to learn and educate themselves to make aspec people feel more welcome.
Vane: Get to know more about what neuroqueer is, because I see very few concepts about this one
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?
Diana: I honestly wish we were told about the different types of attractions that aren’t inherently romantic. It would have saved me so much confusion because I only experienced aesthetic attraction and possibly alterous attraction, once I got to know the person better because my idea of dating was more like hanging out, which is something you could do with your besties as well.
Eileen: Being hetero doesn’t make me less demi.
Lusciana: Just because we are hetero doesn’t make us any less aspec. Just because we have a better chance at passing as straight, doesn’t mean we are. We are as inherently queer and apsec as the rest of the aspecs in the community despite being hetero.
Vane: I would like to know more about the topic: “I am aspec but I am straight, is that a bad thing or not?”
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?
A: More generally speaking from the aro spectrum, we are not broken, romantic attraction is not a “human trait” and we are not senseless machines. Our sense of romance roots mostly out of pop culture and society expectations, so not because someone goes out of the predetermined route means there is inherently something wrong with them. Just because someone is not able to experience something doesn’t mean that they have the right to invalidate other people that do.
Diana: I hope that the assumption that just because someone is aspec, it means that we are not capable of expressing our affection or emotions goes away and thinking that we all have the same desires is frustrating.
Eileen: I literally do not get turned on by porn. I do not have celebrity crushes. I can appreciate the way some people look and that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with or date them.
We can still enjoy sex and relationships even if we don’t feel attraction.
Leo: I wish allo people knew that straight aromantics are not whores, that we don’t just use other people for sex. Lack of romantic attraction does not mean lack of emotional attraction, platonic attraction and other feelings. Bottom line, I wish allos could separate sex and romance, for they are not necessarily tied (and should not be).
Luscinia: That we are not broken. We are not saying we are queer because its “trendy”. We don’t have intimacy issues. We don’t have attachment disorders. We aren’t jaded about being single. We are not “late bloomers”. If someone opens up to you about being aspec, believe them and try to be an ally. We choose to be honest with you about who we are, please try and resemble the person we thought you were.
Sonja: We feel love just as deeply as everyone else, just not in a sexual or romantic way. That I feel this “love” towards the opposite gender does not mean I want sex with them and there is nothing wrong with that.
Vane: Yes, because I’m tired of feeling left out and self isolated (due to dumb first impressions) since my childhood.
How do you show pride?
Diana: I am still in the closet so I guess participating in aro and ace spaces.
Eileen: I own both demi flags and am going to my first pride event with a friend this year. I also talk about my experiences whenever I can.
Leo: Unfortunately, I don’t.
Lusciana: I wear a silver ring on my left middle finger. While the standard aro ring is a white ring, a silver ring was the closest I could find at the time and I love my pride ring as is. I try to incorporate as much green as I can into my wardrobe as I can and I have pride pins and a flag.
Sonja: I wear my ace ring and am quite happy with it. I also own some pins but that is all I do at the moment.
Vane: I show it with my art, because I always feel that sometimes an image says more than my words, it makes me more comfortable to do, but I would also like to participate in a pride parade sometime and be able to really help the LGTB+ community with donations