“Straight” is often used to mean the opposite of “queer”, and therefore many people think that straight or hetero people don’t belong in or are not part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Unfortunately, this can impact asexual and aromantic people, as it is possible for them to have heteromantic or heterosexual attraction or desire even while they are ace, aro, or aroace. For Pride Month, we wanted to shine a light on those aspec people who identify as straight or hetero in any way, as this month is for them as well.
This article is the fourth and last of several focused on straight or hetero aspecs. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Alyssa – I’m hetero-oriented aroace
Bella – Heteromantic ace
C – heteroromantic asexual
Chad – Aromantic heterosexual
Diego (He/him) – Aromantic Heterosexual
Fox – I am gray ace and heteromantic
Gavi – I identify as asexual/demisexual heteroromantic (I use ace and demi interchangeably for comfort purposes, either one you’d like to use, go for it).
Hogras – Hetero-oriented greyromantic allosexual
Kat – cisgender heterosexual, grey-aromantic
Larissa – The labels I use are heteroromantic and asexual/aspec/aceflux, bisexual, abrosexual, questioning and queer. My sexual orientation is very fluid and those are the most labels I feel the most comfortable with.
Laura – demiromantic heterosexual woman
Marie – I identify as asexual and aromantic and straight.
Stan – Hetero-romantic grey-ace
Questions
Do you like to use the word straight for yourself, or is there another word you prefer?
Alyssa: I generally don’t use the word straight to describe myself; I prefer the term hetero-oriented. When I was just starting to come out to myself as ace and thought I was heteroromantic, I identified as straight ace.
C: If someone were to ask me, I might say straight just because I’m not out to most people but to those who know, I identify as ace because I think the experience of being aspec is VERY different from being allo, even though I identify as heteroromantic.
Chad: Yes, I say I’m straight because the attraction I do experience – sexual attraction – is hetero-oriented. But because I’m aromantic, I’m not Straight™ as in conforming to heteronormativity.
Diego: Here in Chile (we speak spanish) we use the word heterosexual or just “hetero”, and Yes, I do feel comfortable with that word.
Fox: To me, “straight” is a loaded term and carries connotations beyond just its dictionary definition. Connotations that do not fit me or my sexuality. I prefer heteromantic. It’s more specific and more accurate.
Gavi: I do identify as straight and use that word to refer to myself, however context is key. Would I date a woman? No, I’m straight. But am I the only straight person in this room? Uhh, asexual? No straights here!
Hogras: I prefer using “hetero”, since “straight” sounds hetero-normative, even though it’s commonly used in queer communities.
Kat: Yes! Sometimes I say “straight aro” (hehe), but for people I’m not out to, just “straight” will do.
Larissa: It depends on the people I surround myself with. When i feel safe enough – especially in the internet- i consider myself queer, but mostly outside of social media I prefer saying hetero, because when I use straight it feels like a lie. For me, straight means being attracted to the opposite gender but it also implies that I may be allosexual/heterosexual which is not true. I simply don’t want to feel misunderstood.
Laura: I use straight for myself
Marie: I use the word “straight”, since I usually find men more attractive than women (e.g. I will definitely stick with a bad TV show if it’s got a dreamy leading man!).
Stan: GreyAce? I guess that’s the particular “popular” term; Before I knew about the asexual spectrum at all I used “apa-sexual” (combined apathy and sexuality). I feel mostly straight. I’m cisgendered male, and hetero-romantic, and not sex-repulsed, just mostly I don’t care about sex. Sometimes, I actually use the phrase “firmly crooked” as a joke from Douglas Adams. He had a line about ‘setting the record straight, or rather, firmly crooked’ in his Hitchhikers’ omnibus edition.
Do you identify as queer?
Alyssa: Yes, I identify as queer!
C: No, I just identify as ace. I find that the LGBTQ community has almost as many misunderstandings of the aspec community as cishet people do. And I understand because it can be hard for people to grasp the thought of someone not experiencing something that has been considered a part of human nature since the beginning of time.
Chad: No. I consider it a term that includes straight aros like me, but I don’t personally identify that way, for reasons I won’t get into here.
Diego: No, I don´t.
Fox: Absolutely.
Gavi: I do identify as queer, but like the above, context is key. I definitely don’t feel “as queer” as others might. But at the same time, I feel more in touch with that community than the standard group of hetero-allosexuals.
Hogras: Yes.
Kat: On the fence about it, mainly because I feel that that my being cisgender & heterosexual has more impact on my life than my aromanticism.
Larissa: Yes.
Laura: I’m still deciding. I have referred to myself as a “straight queer person” to people I knew would understand for ease when mentioning that I’m part of the LGBT+ spectrum
Marie: I identify as queer in my head because I have always felt so “other” from the allo-hetero community. If I’m talking with other folks who identify as queer, I will vocally identify as queer, but I get nervous being too upfront about it outside the queer community because it usually comes with A LOT of questions I don’t feel comfortable answering.
Stan: Not really. Other people I guess do, but I don’t use the term.
How does being straight or hetero intersect with being aspec for you?
Alyssa: Being aspec is fairly detached from being hetero for me. I’m female, and I experience platonic/alterous attraction towards males, but that has no bearing on my romantic and sexual attraction.
Bella: Sometimes I feel like I’m teetering between the line of straight and not. My asexuality says one thing, but my heteromanticism says another. I think if aces weren’t so stigmatized, this would be easier to comprehend.
C: It’s just a part of my dating and experience. I am straight passing so I don’t feel like I have a place in the queer community, but I do not have the same experiences as cishet allos either. It makes dating or really any conversations about Asexuality very hard. Thankfully, I feel very comfortable identifying with the aspec community.
Chad: My sexuality is fundamental to my aromanticism and the way I experience and identify it. I don’t fit into amatonormative societal narratives, but there are no aromantic narratives I can offer up because hardly anyone knows about aromanticism. Even if they do, it’s probably like 98% have only heard aroace narratives. Maybe some have heard of aros who thought they were bi or panromantic because they felt the same toward every gender.
Diego: It has been confusing. When I was a teenager I thought I was a bad person because when I “liked” someone, I didn’t feel the romantic attraction but I felt sexual attraction, so I thought I was superficial. Now that I understand me better, it’s pretty cool
Fox: Being hetero made it harder for me to realize I was ace. I hadn’t heard of the split attraction model and knew I liked guys (romantically), so I just thought I was straight but broken. Took until my 40’s and a conversation with an ace friend for me to begin figuring myself out.
Gavi: Being asexual and straight is odd because coming out doesn’t really feel like anything. I’m met with a lot of “whatever”s since it ultimately doesn’t affect anything except my own sex preferences and most people just don’t care about that.
Hogras: I had a huge crush only once, but even then, I didn’t want to be in a relationship so seriously.
Kat: I do occasionally show interest in guys, so people may mistake that for me being alloromantic. Couple that with aromanticism being virtually invisible in my country, and it leads to a feeling of being unseen.
Larissa: When I first discovered asexuality and many other identities and Labels, I realized how much my sexual orientation differ from my romantic one. I rarely experience sexual attraction and even if I do sometimes it’s mostly not the same gender.
They kinda do their own thing^^”
Laura: I used to joke that I was “bad at being straight” because of my romantic history but knowing that I’m aro-spec has made many of my past experiences make a lot more sense in retrospect.
Marie: Being straight might have kept me from realizing I am ace/aro, since my sexual orientation didn’t lead me to the queer community. When I was a teenager, I was often told I was just “a late bloomer”, “overly modest”, “a prude”, or “frosty”, so I waited and tried to change myself. Once I realized that I was ace and had a home with the queer community, my anxiety around my lack of sexual attraction faded away and I felt more comfortable with myself.
Stan: It makes dating awkward, mostly. People tend to think asexuality is always sex repulsed and there’s just not enough information publicly and easily available out there to explain the spectrum in nicely digestible chunks.
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by being straight or hetero?
Alyssa: My experience in aspec communities isn’t affected too much by me being hetero-oriented. In my experience, many people in aspec spaces understand that a person can experience different types of attraction.
Bella: Sometimes I am afraid that people would think I’m not a “real” ace.
C: There are people in the ace community who are not heteroromantic or cis and there are even heteroromantic people who identify as queer. Just like every community, people have various different experiences and viewpoints. Other than that, being heteroromantic hasn’t really impacted my experience in the aspec community.
Chad: It feels like aromantic heterosexuals are a tiny, tiny minority in the aro community. Aroallos are already underrecognised and underincluded, partly because questioning is made harder for us due to lack of awareness and education around aromanticism, especially as its own thing independent from asexuality and ace educational resources. But straight aroallos are definitely the subset of aroallos I see least often. I think a lot of us struggle to shake the feeling that we don’t fully belong in the community, like we can’t claim space, if we’re not also LGBTQ+ in some way.
Diego: I feel that the aroallo people are not very visible in the community, and the aro heterosexual are even less visible.
Fox: So far most people have been great but there’s sometimes been pushback. Like “if you’re interested in having a relationship and/or are anything other than completely sex repulsed, you’re not REALLY ace.”
Gavi: I don’t really participate in many aspec communities, just follow a couple fun blogs on Tumblr, but I’ve had both straight and queer friends and family question my participation in queer activities such as Pride or LGBT clubs.
Hogras: I started identifying myself as greyro just 1 year ago and I’m still new to the communities. Basically they are supportive, but still I sometimes feel unwelcome because I’m cis-male, hetero, allosexual and not completely aromantic.
Kat: Talking to my asexual friends actually gave me the confidence to call myself aro! Being straight thankfully had no bearing on it at all; I was told that the label was for me to use regardless of being straight.
Larissa: Being hetero is a big part of my identity as well as being ace. In queer and aspec communities, things relevant to lgbtq+ are of course always an issue. But that always only appeals to a part of me.
Marie: I’ve had a mostly positive experience with the aspec community, especially as community visibility has grown. In 2005, when I was first participating in ace forums, there were some real creeps who were mostly concerned with whether or not I was a virgin (GROSS). Cheers to Yasmin Benoit’s takedown of that perverse fascination a lot of aspec folks have to face! (link here: https://www.instagram.com/p/Cey5NIoMpTO/)
Stan: Non-existent. There is only a small community where I physically exist and covid has been a thing for the majority of the time that I’ve been publicly aspec.
How is your experience in queer communities impacted by being straight or hetero?
Alyssa: My experience in queer spaces as a whole has caused me to feel less of a connection to the words hetero and straight: straight is often portrayed as the opposite of queer, which is not accurate. Even so, I don’t feel as if hetero is one of the main facets of my identity.
Bella: When they talk about their own experiences, I find it hard to relate to them, so I just don’t say anything. When I do say something, they just see me as the innocent girl.
C: I just don’t feel like I belong and that’s ok. I don’t want to feel like I’m invading queer spaces trying to feel included when, to be honest, my experience is so different. That’s not to say straight aces who identify as queer are invaders, it’s just my personal preference. I have many queer family and friends and I have seen the hatred and discrimination they’ve faced. Being ace definitely has its challenges, especially when it comes to dating, but because I’m straight passing, that level of violence and discrimination is something I am much less likely to ever experience.
Chad: The broader community feels largely centred around same-gender attraction and love, so I don’t feel included or even trusted to be part of the community. I think heterosexual people also face particular difficulty questioning or even knowing to question their identities. People dismiss us as having “not met the right person yet” or whatever; it’s easier to fall back on such excuses. If you think you’re different in any way, you’re likely to assume the difference is just being “bad at relationships” or something, because our narratives of difference aren’t well-known, and others are likely to reinforce those assumptions instead of encouraging self discovery.
Diego: I love the LGBTQIA+ community and I think that aro and ace people are obviously part of it, but not all of them think that. I wouldn’t say I’m part of the community, even though I probably would like to, because I feel like it would create unnecessary conflict.
Fox: Similar to aspec spaces, most people are great but there’s always those who don’t think aspec people belong, or who’ll tolerate them, but only a specific subset. I’ve seen people call hetero aces ‘suspect’ and others say we are “queer LARPing.”
Gavi: It’s difficult explaining my asexuality, especially since coming out as demisexual. I definitely identify with the term but still feel a sense of falseness to it. And identifying as asexual for 10 years, it’s a weird shift in both self-identity and explanations.
Kat: There’s this assumption that being straight (or appearing straight) equals not queer or “less queer,” which is actually one of the reasons I hesitate to use the term on myself. I think that’s starting to lessen though, thankfully!
Laura: I realized that I’m demiromantic this year, so my main experiences are in online fandom spaces and the employee Pride group at my job. So far it has been positive, potentially because a lot of my online friends are ace.
Marie: I’ve had a mixed experience with the queer community — recently it’s been quite positive, especially as the “A” in LBGTQIA+ gets more visibility! In college I had a less positive experience, mostly because asexuals were not acknowledged in that queer community’s zeal to be sex-positive.
Stan: Also non-existent. I’ll occasionally go to a pride community even here or there but with all the other actual problems that a lot of the queer community faces, aces just seem to float on by under the radar.
How is your experience with other straight or hetero people impacted by being aspec?
Alyssa: My experience with other hetero people is impacted by being aspec because the romantic/sexual attraction many other hetero people feel is different from the platonic/alterous attraction I feel.
Bella: It makes me very uncomfortable when they talk about sex. When that happens, I just feel like making an excuse to leave.
C: Most of the time it’s just a lot of disbelief and misunderstandings. I just wish people knew it existed and stopped questioning the validity of the identity just because it might be hard for them to wrap their heads around it.
Chad: We are sex shamed on account of our identities alone. Because of amatonormativity, aroallos get stuck with the worst stereotypes of our sexualities. Aromanticism gets no actual recognition; instead, straight aros get the societal narratives of “fuckboy,” “slut with parental issues,” the boogeyman of so-called “hookup culture” that’s ruining society and wiping out genteel “courtly love” ideals. When I see questioning aros who are heterosexual, lots of them are wondering things like “am I aro or am I just an asshole?” That social conditioning is devastating.
It’s not the same as aroallos multiply marginalised for their sexualities, but the intersection often goes unnoticed or undiscussed because people don’t really think about heterosexuality as something that can be affected by marginalisation. Yes, heterosexuality itself isn’t marginalised, but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s not walled off from my aromantic identity.
Diego: I haven’t told anyone except some friends.
Fox: Sometimes it feels like being an alien. I can relate to things like crushes, but when the conversation turns to things like being turned on by someone or the inevitability of sex in a “healthy” relationship, it’s like a foreign language.
Gavi: I don’t want to say that straight people are the only ones I’ve had difficulties with when my queer friends have said the same things. It’s always a struggle being accepted as a member of the community, but I am.
Hogras: Sometimes, people ask me “Do you have a gf?”, I answer “No, I’ve never had, and I don’t want”, then, they say like “Why? Oh, are you gay?”. I hate these conversations that are homophobic as well as aro/ace-phobic.
Kat: I often feel out of touch when my other hetero friends talk about being in committed relationships or having constant crushes. They also tend to assume that I’m like them, except that I’m “picky” or “haven’t found someone yet.”
Larissa: WE. NEED. REPRESENTATION! Even queer folks may never heard about aspec identities and so much people just deny our existence. Especially when you’re demiace or greyace! It hurts when you hear someone saying this and I easily tend to question my sexuality, sometimes even caused by those statements.
Nevertheless I had very good experiences with straight people too! When I was outing myself or talking about it, they partially knew or heard about aspec identities before or -if not- they were open to listen and learn about it. I really appreciate having those people in my life.
Laura: There is so much importance placed on dating and romantic relationships, especially by straight people, and it can get annoying being one of the few single people and the only one who isn’t bothered by it in a group.
Marie: I’ve had mostly a negative experience with the allo-hetero community, which is why I’m not out to most of the people in my life. The people I am out to are usually confused by my ace/aro identify — they give me weird looks when I comment on a celebrity crush or they will dismiss me from a conversation about sex or relationships saying that I won’t understand.
Stan: I have a good group of friends. We respect each other and our positions on various spectrums.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Chad: Intentionally build solidarity with us instead of thinking of us as The Straights™. I would also like to see more sex positivity and more space and acceptance for talking openly about sex and sexual attraction. That’s no less important a part of my aromanticism than being, for example, nonpartnering. And stop conflating aromanticism with asexuality or bundling it underneath.
Diego: Remembering that not all aspecs are aroace and validating all the aro experiences.
Hogras: I want them not to ignore oriented aspec people and stop using the word hetero as a synonym for hetero AlloAllo.
Kat: Mostly I want the aro community in my country to be more visible. I’m Filipino and our culture is pretty obsessed with heterosexual relationships, and I’d like a pillar of support that understands my home culture.
Larissa: I find it a pity that heterosexuality/romance has little to no representation there. I’m not talking about activism, that’s not what we need, I think. But feeling represented in every facet of myself (according to my sexuality) would help feeling seen completely in this community. That’s the experience I make on social media every day.
Marie: I would love to work collaboratively with the aspec community to develop more language around the levels and types of attraction — aside from the science of interpersonal attraction, it would be amazing to have casual language to more accurately describe what asexuals (and all people!) feel towards each other.
Stan: Marketing, maybe? I don’t hear about events which i tend to assume means they aren’t happening.
How could queer communities better support you?
Alyssa: Queer communities could better support straight or hetero aspecs by understanding that some people find it helpful to label different types of attraction they experience, and sometimes those attractions don’t line up. Straight/hetero and queer are not mutually exclusive!
Chad: Don’t frame community belonging as based on whom we love or whom we have sex with. That can be part of the story, but our identities aren’t defined by other people. We’re here because of who we are. We live truths that are in opposition to society’s expectations of us.
And reach out to us. Include aromanticism in your education and advocacy; make it as visible in the mainstream as other identities. People who experience sexual attraction and perceive it as straight are much less likely to seek out LGBTQIA+ communities or identity information, whether because they don’t think to or don’t think there’s space for them. How often are heterosexuals who don’t want romantic relationships or feel romantic love told they are just horrible people? How many allosexuals in general might be aro and unaware, thinking they just have some sort of character defect?
Diego: Deromanticizing and desexualizing the community. “Love is love” does not represent me.
Gavi: I saw a post a while back that said “if you need to explain your sexuality, you belong in the queer community.” Honestly, I think that’s all queer community members need to remember.
Hogras: I want them to include every aspec identity.
Kat: Less assumptions that if someone appears “straight,” that automatically rules them out from being queer. That means more awareness that queerness isn’t limited to certain archetypes.
Larissa: Another point which outrages me is that even queer folks (not all of course!) tend to say that aspec people don’t belong to the lgbtq+ community.
Laura: Remember that aromantic people are part of the community. There is more than 1 group that the A stands for in LGBTQIA.
Marie: The queer community has been more supportive of the aspec community recently, and I hope to see that trend continue! Keep pushing for aspec visibility!
Stan: I think they have enough of their own problems to worry about me.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?
Chad: We do not have the straight privilege that heteromantic heterosexual people do. Access to straight privilege is conditioned upon erasure of our aspec identities. My heterosexuality is non-normative because of my aromanticism.
Diego: That we have social fears too. I’m heterosexual, but I haven’t told my parents or sexual interests that i’m aro because i’m afraid that they would think that I’m just a superficial person who only thinks about sex.
Fox: That we aren’t Ace Lite. My experiences overlap more with other aspec people than they do with other hetero people.
Hogras: Having experienced a crush a decade ago doesn’t make me a “fake aro”. I haven’t changed from hetero to aro, I’ve always been greyro.
Kat: I’d like to see more of our perspectives and stories within the aspec community, e.g. because we don’t look queer, we feel a lot of pressure to “get over it” and date/marry someone of the opposite sex.
Laura: The type of attraction I’m capable of experiencing is what makes me part of this community, not who I might be attracted to. Especially being demiromantic I worry some may not think that counts as aspec enough
Marie: I realize that I have a tremendous privilege because I pass in the societally dominant sexual orientation (hetero).
Stan: I think aspecs already get it, it’s everyone else that needs education.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?
Alyssa: I wish allos knew that straight aspecs exist! It’s possible to not experience some forms of attraction and experience others.
Chad: We’re not just straight people with “issues.” My aspec orientation is not something you can dismiss as pathological or immature. Aromanticism isn’t a “fear of commitment” or “avoidant attachment style” or whatever other bullshit pop psychology you come up with.
Diego: The split attraction model, the concept of romantic attraction and the existence of the aromantic spectrum.
Fox: I wish they knew that romantic and sexual attraction are two different things, that sexual attraction and libido are not the same thing, and that celibacy and asexuality are two completely separate things.
Gavi: I wish that both straight/allo people as well as queer people all just stopped dictating each others’ paths. I’m asexual, I’m straight, I’m queer, and yes, all these things can co-exist. Just live and let live, y’all.
Hogras: Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are intersected but different for some people, and there are also other types of attractions (Split Attraction Model).
Kat: Mostly that we exist, and that we’re not just “picky” 一 being aro is a unique experience that isn’t just “straight but at a lower intensity.” The difference is qualitative, not quantitative.
Larissa: That it’s possible to be straight and queer at the same time. Sexuality is fluid and sometimes romantic and sexual attraction do their own thing. And that’s way more normal than some people tend to think.
Laura: Just because I’m aromantic doesn’t mean I’m asexual too. They don’t always go together.
Marie: The number one thing I wish allo people knew is how to respond when someone aspec comes out. It is not the time to ask intrusive questions aspec sex lives — it’s so alienating to be asked about your virginity (“How old were you?”), the last time you had sex (“It’s been HOW long?”), if you masturbate, if you find that person hot or not, etc.
Stan: I’m not offended by sex jokes, I just think it’s entirely too prevalent in our society. Sex for me (and likely others) is just a non-factor in our lives and marketing towards it and or promoting it is just white noise. I’ve mostly learned to tune it out. A lot of dating profiles are starting to show “asexuality” as an option but that is a WIDE view which can be anywhere from sex repulsed to someone like myself that is just… “sex? eh.”
How do you show pride?
Alyssa: I show pride through my rainbow belongings (of which I have many), the rainbow pride flag in my room, and by being part of my school’s GSA!
Chad: Loudly refusing amatonormative life scripts. I feel like pride means something very different to the aro community than to the mainstream queer community. For some people, showing pride is an indicator that they’re not afraid to be out anymore, and pride is a celebration of the progress that they & society have made toward accepting their identities. For aros, it’s often more like signalling other aros “hey, you’re not alone” while almost nobody else recognises our flag and we’re invisibilised by society. We have no legal or workplace protections from discrimination to celebrate, we don’t have societal acceptance or even recognition, we can still be medically pathologised, we are legally and structurally marginalised. Pride has always been about rioting, not just being open about our identities.
Diego: I just have an aromantic wallpaper on my phone, but I’d love to buy the white aro ring and any stuff with the aromantic flag or aromantic phrases.
Gavi: Showing pride, I have my flag pillowcase, brACElets, and a love for my identity. My theory is also that there isn’t much ace merch out there because it doesn’t sell well. So if I can boost their numbers, I’ll try!
Larissa: Mostly online. I keep it inconspicuous in my private life because I’m not out to everyone.
Marie: Showing pride is about baby steps for me! I’m attempting to come out to more people and bring more visibility to the aspec community.
Stan: Poorly? I occasionally wear a black purple grey pin.