“Straight” is often used to mean the opposite of “queer”, and therefore many people think that straight or hetero people don’t belong in or are not part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Unfortunately, this can impact asexual and aromantic people, as it is possible for them to have heteromantic or heterosexual attraction or desire even while they are ace, aro, or aroace. For Pride Month, we wanted to shine a light on those aspec people who identify as straight or hetero in any way, as this month is for them as well.
This article is the third of several focused on straight or hetero aspecs. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
A6ual – I am a cisgender woman married to a cisgender man, and I am heteroromantic and asexual.
Anonymous – heteroromantic grayasexual
Ben – Ace and heteromantic
Dev – I am a cis woman, asexual, and heteroromantic
Hamish – Male Heteroromantic Asexual
Karma – I’m demiromantic & demisexual, leaning more towards sensual & platonic attraction.
Kylie – I identify as heteromantic demisexual greysexual
Rana – asexual and heteromantic
RJ – I identify as straight (romantically) and aceflux/demisexual.
Sigillum_diaboli666 – Asexual Hetero-Romantic
Victoria – I’m asexual-heteromantic
Questions
Do you like to use the word straight for yourself, or is there another word you prefer?
A6ual: I consider myself straight.
Anonymous: I prefer to use heteroromantic grayasexual. If I shorten my identity to one word, I usually use graysexual, asexual, heteroromantic or one of their abbreviated forms (e.g. ace, grey-ace).
Ben: I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t care if others did. I would say I’m ace.
Dev: I prefer to use heteroromantic because though I am straight romantically, I feel as though my sexuality is not the heterosexual norm because I am asexual.
Hamish: Typically I’ll describe myself as straight, however I’ll let friends/potential partners know I’m Ace once I trust them enough
Karma: I would mostly consider myself straight, since all of my past romantic/sexual relationships have been hetero. I do, however have a bit of a questioning leaning, as I am open to try non-hetero relationships.
Kylie: I used to use the term straight to other people for the longest time as it was the easiest to explain, nowadays I feel it doesn’t accurately explain how my sexuality works, so nowadays I typically say I’m aspec as the easiest way to label my orientation to people.
Rana: I don’t like using the word straight. I prefer heteroromantic or just hetero
RJ: I do consider myself romantically ‘straight’ because I am romantically attracted to men as a cis woman. Aesthetically and platonically, I am attracted to anyone of any gender.
Sigillum_diaboli666: Yes
Victoria: I don’t like saying I’m straight, because I’m not. Whether people ask me or I’m referring to myself, I say it as it is: I’m asexual.
Do you identify as queer?
A6ual: I do not identify as a queer woman because my romantic attractions are towards men.
Anonymous: Yes!
Ben: Yes.
Dev: No.
Hamish: not queer, most people are surprised when I tell them
Kylie: In a way yes, because I feel like I’m very much a sexual minority that is distinct from allo straight people.
Rana: No.
RJ: I’m not sure. I’ve never really heard the word ‘queer’ used to describe the acespec community and have sometimes heard that it does not describe ace folks, so I would be hesitant to identify with that label.
Sigillum_diaboli666: Yes
Victoria: Yes, definitely. Asexuals are a part of the community and I feel quite comfortable saying I’m queer. That being said, I don’t substitute it for ace because ace folks are greatly erased and external people can assume we have another sexual orientation (like when they assume queer people are gay or lesbian).
How does being straight or hetero intersect with being aspec for you?
A6ual: I have always desired Heteroromantic relationships. I have romantic, aesthetic, and even sensual attraction to men, but have never experience sexual attraction to anyone and I rarely desire sexual intimacy.
Anonymous: For this question, and any hereafter, I will be responding from the lenses of the identities I listed above, as I do not use straight or hetero to describe myself.
For me, as a cis woman interested in people who identify as male, I experience heteronormativity, sexism, amatonormativity, allo-normativity, and rape/purity culture when it comes to my identity. Some key examples include:
1) having my platonic relationships with men being interpreted as romantic/sexual
2) feeling societal and/or partner pressure to perform sexual acts, including “losing my virginity”
3) Misinterpreting others’ flirtatious/sex-seeking behavior as platonic. Others perceiving my platonic connection-seeking behavior as flirtatious and/or sex-seeking.
4) Conversations [with] two implications. One, that I was being assumed to be queer. Secondly, that I was into women. Thirdly, that I was denying being attracted to them not because I was heteroromantic aspec, but because I was homoromantic/sexual, and was afraid to let people know.
5) I was in a (neither strictly platonic nor romantic) relationship with my “partnern’t” and wasn’t out to my family. I didn’t think they would take our partnership as seriously or respect it as much, if I simply used the term. So, I felt the pressure to disguise it as a friendship or as a romantic partnership to make them feel more comfortable.
Finally, a lot of my internal conflict during my questioning time had to do with “how straight (heteroromantic heterosexual) am I” vs “how heteroromantic ace am I.” E.G. I’ve felt attracted to x number of men this year. Does that mean I’m heteroromantic allo or heteroromantic ace?
Ben: I have romantic and aesthetic attraction to women, but when I see an attractive woman who seems nice I think, ‘I’d love to have a cup of tea and a chat with her’. I understand that allosexuals have other thoughts in that circumstance.
Dev: I think there are misconceptions that a heterosexual asexual person just hasn’t found the right person yet (I get asked that question all the time when I come out to people). Therefore, I sort of feel as though I’m broken because even though I want a relationship and I want a connection with someone, I don’t want a sexual relationship with someone (I’m sex repulsed). So it makes it difficult to feel confident that I’ll find someone to share my life with.
Hamish: Personally, there’s still a desire to be with and share intimate moments with a partner, but no intention or drive to engage sexually with them. I’ve found that if not discussed prior it comes off as mixed messaging
Kylie: I very rarely experience sexual attraction but I’m a hopeless romantic, I am aesthetically and romantically attracted to men. Usually I need to experience strong romantic attraction towards someone for a while before my brain even considers the idea of wanting sex with them. But I don’t consider myself sex-repulsed, my attitude towards it is very ambivalent, so if a partner asked for it and I was in a good mood I would be fine with participating.
Rana: Being hetero informs my orientation as an aspec.
RJ: I somewhat consider them separate because romantic and sexual attraction are distinct things for me. Identifying as straight romantically and as aceflux/demi sexually were different journeys for me and separate questions that I had to answer for myself.
Sigillum_diaboli666: the fact that I little to no sexual attraction to men, but I have a lot of romantic & aesthetic attraction to them. I am sex-neutral.
Victoria: I’d say it’s complicated for externals to grasp at. Due to how sexualized queer people are in society and how wrongly they view asexuality, most of the time they assume we’re aromantic. It’s happened to me before and it’s frustrating to feel invalidated. It’s like they can’t comprehend asexuals are 100% capable of establishing romantic bonds while not having sexual attraction.
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by being straight or hetero?
Anonymous: Overall, I feel very welcome. As the community is full of micro labels and identities, I usually feel that it is assumed that we are diverse (e.g. some of us are demi, a, hetero, homo, romantic/sexual). So, letting people know I ID as heteroromantic has been met with acceptance.
Perhaps, I feel that some societal expectations e.g. all aces are aro, and all aces are sex repulsed/totally disinterested in sex have been reinforced in asexual spaces. For example, with so many of the memes being centered around rejecting romantic/sexual advances from others, and some media defining asexuality as a lack of interest in sex.
Ben: Don’t have much experience of that. I’m not sure why it would be impacted at all.
Hamish: I haven’t had any negative reactions from the community being heteroace. I am told there is still some gatekeeping happening in certain groups but I’ve never seen it happen
Kylie: I can’t say I’ve had any negative reactions to being a straight aspec within the ace community. I do kinda feel like a bit of a loner though, as the few other ace people I know are all panromantic, I don’t know any other straight aspecs.
Rana: My experience being hetero in aspec communities is feeling sometimes like the odd man out given I haven’t come across many hetero aspecs and most experiences I see discuss in the community are from non hetero aspecs, which I don’t relate to in many ways.
RJ: I find aspec communities very accepting and validating. When I first started questioning, AVEN was a safe space for me and assured me that being straight or romantically attracted to men did not invalidate my being ace.
Sigillum_diaboli666: I don’t operate in them much tbh
Victoria: While I feel frustration sometimes, it’s not as severe as the feeling in the overall queer community. The ace community is quite open and comprehensive towards these topics because most of us are aware of our capability to establish those emotional bonds while being ace. It’s quite validating and comfortable.
How is your experience in queer communities impacted by being straight or hetero?
Anonymous: Overall, if people are accepting of my ace identity, they usually are accepting of my heteroromanticism. However, with both there can be an assumption that I don’t count as queer and/or don’t experience oppression.
Also, allonorms often send messages like “I will love others regardless of/including the gender(s) they are attracted to” or “we’re all sexual beings.” But, I don’t see messages about loving people regardless of if or how much they are attracted to others, or that some people are sexual beings, and some aren’t.
Ben: Even before I knew what asexual was and thought I was straight (but not enthusiastically so) I was happy in queer communities. I feel more a part of it as an asexual.
Kylie: For the longest time I was scared to label myself as part of the queer community because I was afraid that as someone who is heteromantic, I would be seen as “not queer enough” and that I was trying to invade queer spaces. But after discussing it with queer friends they said that being aspec was more than enough to qualify me as queer even if I’m not attracted to my own gender. I have recently had an unfortunate experience of dealing with aphobia within the community, because I had the audacity to post a meme that kindly suggested that the community be nice to aspecs and this idiot was all “that’s homophobic!”, but I was quickly backed up by other queer friends and reassured that the person attacking me was just an unreasonable asshole.
Rana: I’m not in any queer communities
RJ: Queer communities and queer folks I have interacted with have been very accepting regardless of my considering myself straight. I think I have been fortunate in that respect.
Sigillum_diaboli666: I also don’t operate much in them either
Victoria: Like I said in the previous question, it’s more severe. Invalidation is the most predominant feeling. I’ve experienced medicalist, psychological and trauma based arguments to try and invalidate my identity. Not to mention we’re often seen as traumatized beings who aren’t queer enough for the community.
How is your experience with other straight or hetero people impacted by being aspec?
A6ual: People assume there’s something wrong with me since I’ve never desired sexual intimacy. They assume I’ve experienced sexual trauma that has turned me off of sex, or that I just haven’t found the right partner.
Anonymous: Oh BOY. So, if I’m talking about aces who identify as straight, I haven’t had a ton of interactions.
But if it’s people who identify as straight and allo, it’s a whole different story. For, they often reinforce allo norms and heteronorms together, like in many of the examples I listed in the third question.
Ben: It doesn’t come up much. I’m less horny than they seem to be, but their conversations entertain me none-the-less. I had a girlfriend who was very annoyed that lingerie did nothing for me (this was before I knew what ace was).
Dev: I think a lot of people are confused about not wanting to have sex or not having a sexual relationship with someone even though I might be romantically or aesthetically attracted to someone. Only the people closest to me know I’m asexual because I’m afraid others will think I’m weird because I still find people physically attractive.
Hamish: Most of my close friends are straight, and a couple were kinda put of when I “come out”. But it hasn’t changed anything in my social life, I’m still perceived as the same person and treated as such.
Karma: I feel there are a lot of other straight/hetero people that do not understand my identities. I have had a hard time getting back into the dating pool, and I feel most other straight people just move too fast for me. I find that very few non-aspec people don’t know my specific identities, and don’t always respect them (going too fast) even after I explain them.
Kylie: There has been a lot of times where compared to allo straight people, I have felt “broken”. I do feel left out when they talk about wanting to “bang” certain people, and especially them talking about being sexually attracted to strangers they just spotted two seconds prior feels completely alien to me. Unfortunately I have been SA’d and coerced into things I didn’t want to do by men because they felt that I needed to “open up”, this was before I knew that asexuality was a thing and these men saw me as a weird prude.
Rana: It feels a bit like being an odd man out sometimes, given it’s rare that I find myself attracted to anyone and thus can’t relate much to many conversations about sex or relationships
RJ: It’s different because a lot of straight folks I interact with are not ace or sometimes question the validity of being ace. I think that’s part of why it’s taken me such a long time to claim that identity for myself.
Sigillum_diaboli666: Mostly people will think that Asexuality is a result of aging, they conflate it with low libido most of the time
Victoria: I’d say it’s relatively similar to my experience with the queer community. Lots of arguments to try and invalidate me or treat my identity as trauma.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Anonymous: Continue to include romantic aces, including heteroromantic ones in your conversations and publications about asexuality.
Ben: Don’t know. Increasing visibility would have been good as I spent years not knowing why I was different.
Hamish: I think Aspec communities are doing a great job just being there, finding out that your not alone feeling this way is really empowering. But I don’t think there’s much more needed, you’ve still gotta live your own life
Kylie: That’s a hard question as I haven’t had any negative experiences within the aspec community. I guess just make everyone feel safe and welcomed as an equal.
Rana: Invite more heteroromantic aspecs to share their experience.
RJ: I’d just like to make more ace friends in general. I would love to have an ace book club or an ace gardening club. I’d just like to hear some more shared experiences.
Victoria: I suppose more aspec spaces would be ideal. We barely have any spaces/representation and it would be great to count with those.
How could queer communities better support you?
A6ual: I’d love to see major orgs be more inclusive (with the use of an A or a + in their LGBT terminology) – Stonewall, The TrevorProject, HRC and others still do not.
Anonymous: To non a/aro spec queer folk: In general, perform the labor needed to equalize in terms of proportion the amount of representation given to aces in media, research, conversations, publications, resources, advocacy, and more. Stop using discrimination as the only criteria for identifying as LGBT+/queer. Instead, let people identify as such as long as their experiences of sex/gender, romance/sexuality etc don’t align with societal norms. Accept that discrimination and privilege come in many forms. Get informed about the discrimination that ace/aro people experience and the privileges that allos do. Also, educate yourself as much as possible on asexuality and aromanticism, to lesson that amount of free emotional labor and education your ace loved ones have to do for you.
Ben: Ask not what your queer community can do for you, but what you can do for your queer community. Honestly, I’m happy to be part of the queer community and have no complaints and little experience.
Kylie: By understanding how asexuality works, and by accepting us as part of the queer community, and that just because we experience a different kind of discrimination to queer allos doesn’t make us less queer, the LGBTQIA+ community is not the Oppression Olympics after all.
Rana: Be understanding. Hetero aspecs may have privilege, but that doesn’t automatically mean we don’t have the right to share our experience from time to time
RJ: I’d like to see more ace visibility in queer spaces and more discussions about how being ace is a valid orientation that is a part of the community.
Sigillum_diaboli666: Stop gatekeeping Asexuals… because it’s not like we ask them how gay/lesbian/bi they are.
Victoria: Queer communities have a lot to do regarding our comfort and welcoming. From validating us as queer people and our community, to securing representative spaces and opportunities.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?
A6ual: Being in a relationship that involves sexual intimacy does not contradict the fact that I have never experienced sexual attraction and am asexual. How that component of a relationship is handled will look different for everyone, and that’s beautiful.
Anonymous: Perhaps that some of us may and some of us (like me) may not use the term straight to define ourselves.
Ben: I’m pretty sure they know already. They seem an understanding and shrewd bunch.
Hamish: I think the understanding around Heteroace is pretty good. Straight and Non-sexual, pretty simple
Kylie: Who we’re romantically/aesthetically attracted to doesn’t change our aceness, being “straight-passing” doesn’t mean that we don’t have struggles to overcome in navigating the world either.
Victoria: I wish they knew there’s more of us out there than we might think. As an ace person, I know close to no people who are also ace and I often feel alone. However, I’m aware that there’s others like me out there. We may not be many, but we’re a 100% existent community and we’re here to stay.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other straight or hetero aspecs?
A6ual: We aren’t broken. We don’t need to be fixed. We don’t need to find “the right person” to show us what we’re missing out on, because we aren’t missing out on anything.
Anonymous: 1) That we have a valid place in the queer/LGBT community.
2) That our “straight passing” relationships will often function differently/be composed of different elements, due to our asexuality.
Ben: That just because they see sex as the centre of everything doesn’t mean everyone does. There are other enjoyments in life, like cake.
Dev: Be gentle with us. Be willing to compromise and don’t pressure us to do something if we’re not ready. Know that we will compromise with you because we love you, but we need you to do the same.
Hamish: That there is still romantic and perhaps sexual attraction (depending on the individual). I feel that most of the time its taken as a “thanks but not interested” when really its a “I’m interested but we might be wanting different things”
Kylie: That we’re not prudes, or picky, or broken, this is not something that needs “fixing”, this is something that is innately a part of us and it needs to be accepted and respected.
Rana: There’s nothing wrong with us.
RJ: Being straight does not take away from being ace and being ace is not the same as being ‘straight with less steps’ (which is also an incredibly invalidating thing to say).
Sigillum_diaboli666: Sexuality is made up of lots of different combinations and can change over time.
Victoria: I wish they understood my asexuality isn’t any less valid just because I’m heteromantic. Also, showing respect is more than enough; you don’t have to fully understand my identity in order to respect me. Finally, medical and trauma based arguments are extremely violent and you should never use them when speaking to one of us. If you’ve walked away from the “gay people are sick” mentality, it’s time you walk away from the “ace people are traumatized” mentality.
How do you show pride?
A6ual: I love using the asexual flag colors in my accessories. I geek out when I see asexual representation in shows, movies, and books.
Anonymous: I show pride by showing up and being myself.
I show pride by wearing ace colors, using its flags/memorabilia.
I share pride in being ace with all, especially with people who are questioning if they are on the ace spectrum. I love when sharing who I am and educational resources about the community helps questioning aces on their path to discovery.
When I’ve had a partner, loving them fiercely.
Ben: I’m happy to talk with people and support LGBTIA+ causes when I can.
Dev: I do it in little ways, like making sure people feel safe around me, having a pride flag in my office, and offering support to people in the LGBTQIA+ community.
Hamish: I’m not the type to show pride to those that don’t want to hear it, but if the topic comes up then I’m more than happy to share. I feel that oversharing leaves those that don’t understand/agree more wound up and jaded.
Karma: I always reblog aro/ace content on my Tumblr. I’ve also been slowly buying pride merch: stickers, shoelaces, a necklace… among other things. I look for demiromantic/sexual stuff first, but if I substitute with aromantic & asexual if I can’t find something specific.
Kylie: By being open about being aspec and sharing on social media my weird little perspective on sex and relationships, hoping that somehow by doing so I’m educating people and normalising our community to everyone.
Rana: I show pride by being me.
RJ: I show pride in subtle ways, like small pride flag pins or shirts with the ace flag colors incorporated (I have one with purple and white flowerpots, for example). I also feel that pride for me is just living authentically as I am.
Sigillum_diaboli666: I don’t really haha, I like to fly under the radar
Victoria: I show pride by educating and informing others about who I am and what it means to be part of the ace community, all umbrellas included. I also show pride by reminding myself and other ace people that we’re valid, we’re queer and we belong to the LGBTQIA+ spaces.