Queer Platonic Relationships, or Queer Platonic Partnerships (QPRs/QPPs) are relationships that purposely defy relationship categories, and can mix elements from platonic, romantic, and sexual relationships. They are each unique depending on the people involved in them, but they often involve some level of commitment or intimacy.
Because asexual and aromantic people tend to structure their relationships and interpersonal needs in unique ways, many of them choose to engage in relationships that are hard to define, and take comfort in Queer Platonic Relationships.
The third Sunday in July is Queer Platonic Pride Day – in 2022, that’s July 16, so we decided to highlight aspecs with Queer Platonic Relationships. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
DS – I am Gray Ace/Aegosexual
L – I identify as a pan oriented aromantic and asexual. While I’m still figuring out my relation regarding romance, I am very adverse to the idea of having sex, and I do experience aesthetic attraction.
Lup – Ace and aro
Mak – aroace
NeeNee (she/they) – I am aromantic and asexual
Sean (she/they) – aroace / Kira (they/she) – aroace
Questions
How do you define/would you describe your QPR?
DS: I am female and gray/ace; my friend is male and gay. We have been friends since childhood and have been roommates for several years.
L: I would describe my QPR as something I hold mixed feelings about. I had my relationship with an allosexual and alloromantic boy friend, who confessed to having a crush on me. We were really good friends and talked about a lot of things, were really emotionally and intellectually intimate. Our relationship was mostly driven by conversations and some dates with little to no physical contact. The experience on its own was really good and respectful. We communicated a lot about our relationship and how we felt about it. The problem was that he wasn’t truly sure about his own feelings on being with me, so the end result was that he wasn’t enjoying being in the relationship, since I didn’t feel the same way way. We spent almost a year together and he would always assure me that it was okay, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t.
Lup: Broadly, as a queer friendship. My friend is my favourite person and I am their dear friend. We talk every day and adjust our behaviour when necessary/desired to better align with what we both want and need, irrespective of the connotations that would be placed on such behaviours by anyone else. I prefer using the term “friend” over QPR, and we both know what we mean.
Mak: I see my QPR as a loving committed long term partnership. Our love not being romantic does not devalue that.
NeeNee: Overall I define a QPR as a committed, intimate relationship between people that blurs the boundaries between the societal view of “friendship” and “a romantic relationship.” It may look like or involve similar feelings and activities of a “typical” friendship or romantic relationship, or both, or neither! Every QPR is unique and that’s what makes them beautiful.
Sean/Kira: We often see qprs placed on a spectrum between platonic and romantic relationships, we don’t like to describe our qpr this way as it feels like it perpetuates the harmful idea that relationships are in a hierarchy and some types of relationships are thought of as lesser than others or stepping stones to others. To us, qpr’s are their own separate attraction and their own separate type of relationship. They can have aspects of romantic or platonic relationships and overlap, but no act of affection has any inherent connotations and we don’t like to assign any to the affection we show. We are a very close and affectionate qpr, both physically and emotionally affectionate. We plan on living together and having some sort of pet, our qpr is a very important relationship in our lives.
How has being aspec impacted your QPR?
DS: It was my friend who actually was the first one who suggested that I may be asexual. My reaction, at the time, was one of denial, because I found men attractive. I didn’t realize at the time that aesthetic and sexual attraction were two different things. To complicate things further, I am aegosexual (a word I probably mis-spelled) which means I can be turned on by the concept of sex in the abstract, but there’s a disconnect when it comes to reality. So we can have discussions about celebrity crushes and agree that there “ain’t nothing wrong with that man.” But when it comes to objectifying a man in real life? “Oh, he’s OK.”
L: I would say that being aspec has impacted my QPR in somewhat of a negative way. Like I expressed in the previous question, we did communicate about our feelings, but more than communicating, you need to be honest not just to your partner but yourself, as well. I don’t feel guilty about the way the relationship ended and I don’t tie it to my aspec identity on itself, but rather a lack of understanding from my partner. I came to realize he thought he could ‘change’ my identity or at least the way I felt towards physical intimacy, and became upset once finding out it didn’t work like that. Because of that, I now feel insecure when thinking of engaging in both new QPR’s or even dating, fearing that I will receive the same response.
Lup: Being aspec has drawn me to people and resources that have taught me about Relationship Anarchy, and as such has given me better tools to build, navigate, and maintain the kinds of relationships I want. This of course includes the relationship with my friend. Additionally, it’s possible knowing I was aspec so young meant i was more open to non-traditional relationships, especially ones that don’t require sex or the nebulous concept of romance, like the ones I truly want.
Mak: There’s definitely been a learning curve for me. Especially since my partner is allo. For a long time, I worried that our QPR benefited me more than it did him. But we had conversations about it and I know that’s not my place to second-guess when he says that what we have makes him happy.
NeeNee: Being aspec is the reason I’m in a QPR in the first place! I have never desired a stereotypical romantic relationship – I am romance averse – but I have been drawn to people in my life before very strongly, like a sort of inexplicable magnetism beyond what I felt for some other people in my life. It was only through finding aspec terminology that allowed me to put a name to that feeling – queerplatonic attraction – and allowed me to find someone who felt the same towards me without any of the uncomfortable expectation of romance.
Sean/Kira: Because we are both aroace we have the same understanding of how our attraction works and how our attraction to each other is, so communicating that is easy and feels comfortable. But it also means that we often get uncomfortable with how other people view our relationship and our affection towards each other, as oftentimes people have romantic connotations they assign to affection, and other people viewing our relationship in a romantic light makes us very uncomfortable. This has also made it hard to think about telling people about our relationship for fears of them seeing us in this type of way that makes us feel uncomfortable
How is your experience in aspec communities been impacted by having a QPR?
DS: I am new to this realization and still finding out where the Ace communities even are. My friend has assured me that as an Ace, I’m part of the “alphabet mafia.” So we are going to Pride together soon.
L: I felt sort of left out from the aspec community, specially the aromantic community. I enjoy romance and I would like to be in a romantic-like relationship, something that was really present in my QPR. However, I don’t see this kind of experience being told as often, which led me to feel ‘less aromantic’ because I was in a relationship with someone or because I want one.
Lup: Because i don’t really use the specific term “queerplatonic relationship”, i don’t know that there’s any intersection there.
Mak: As someone who is still finding their way into virtual aspec communities, I wouldn’t say it has affected me much there. However when I talk to people who are now figuring out their aspec identities, I think it helps when I tell AND show them that being aspec doesn’t limit their options for companionship in the future. That was my greatest fear before discovering I was aroace and I like being able to ease that fear for others.
NeeNee: I don’t honestly get involved in aspec communities all that much, but personally I sometimes feel a strange sense of guilt for being aromantic and advocating for aromanticism while having a partner, like I’m not being aromantic “correctly” if I’m in a relationship that probably looks to an outside viewer like a romantic one. I know that isn’t true, but it is a hard feeling to shake sometimes.
How could aspec communities better support you?
DS: Well, they could make themselves known and embrace older aces … the only groups I know of are online. LGBT groups, btw, have assured me that I fit in and told me to “f gatekeepers.” They don’t realize that I as a newbie, I am totally gatekeeping myself.
L: I believe more initiatives like this one would be really helpful. Learning about other people’s experiences with their identity and finding similarities to your own, is the most validating I could ever feel. You can see that you’re not really alone and you’re not the only one feeling a certain way. On the other hand, I think these projects should get more recognition and reach more people.
Lup: Stop the “love is love” and amatonormativity bollocks. Stop telling people aces are still valid based on their capacity for romantic love. Support and spread Relationship Anarchy instead of assimilationism and respectability politics. Help abolish marriage as it privileges a single government sanctioned western white-supremacist relationship style over all others. The nuclear family needs to die and we can help kill it.
Mak: I think we could be more honest with and supportive of each other as a community. Some of us are still dealing with internalized aphobia. Some of us aren’t in a place where we can live our truth openly. I live in Ghana where lawmakers are lobbying for an anti-LGBTQIA bill. I love the conversations about fighting amatonormativity and finding intimacy outside of sexual relationships but I want to hear more diverse voices. I want spaces where we can talk about the real dangers some of us still face. And yes, about the loneliness. Because whether we like to acknowledge it or not, the aspec experience can be a very lonely one.
NeeNee: More advocating for QPRs and the concept of queerplatonic or alterous attraction from people who aren’t actively in or desiring QPRs would be nice! I feel like we often have to advocate for ourselves by ourselves, so a little more allyship from other places in the community would really give us a boost.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other people in QPRs?
DS: That the ACES need activities that don’t revolve around sexual content. Most of us have people in our lives who live for sex, and it gets old for those on the Ace side.
L: I think I should answer this question with something that I would like to know before I started my QPR, which is the importance of staying educated and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Communication isn’t enough if one of you is confused or unsure about the relationship. You should communicate with yourself and realize what you truly feel, before you rush into telling your partner(s) something. Keep in mind that, it’s not just because you have stated your own boundaries right away, that you won’t have to communicate about them anymore. Your feelings can change about certain things and it’s important you actually reflect on them, keeping an open mind.
Lup: Good relationships are based on trust and the needs and desires of the people in them. Adhering to external expectations for relationships is not only unhelpful but actively detrimental to all relationships. You do not need to prioritize relationships that involve romance and/or sex, nor do you need to deprioritize other relationships or forms of intimacy.
Mak: I wish more aspec people knew that QPRs even exist. And that finding intimacy in this context doesn’t invalidate our identities.
NeeNee: QPRs can look like absolutely anything. Stereotypical friendships. Stereotypical romantic relationships. A blend of both. Long-distance. Sexual relationships only. Polyamorous (polyqueerplatonic?). There are innumerable types of QPRs and there isn’t one correct way to be in one. Yes, they can be hard to define and explain, but we need to stop pandering to/being palatable to allos in how we form relationships that make us happy.
Sean/Kira: Aspecs in a qpr, even those who might be romance or sex repulsed, can still take in actions or affection that may be seen as romantic or sexual without invalidating their identity. Any actions of affection don’t have any inherent intent or meaning, that is decided by all parties in the relationship and what they feel most comfortable labeling affection or attraction as.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other people in QPRs?
DS: Speaking strictly of people outside the community, particularly those who don’t realize I’m Ace, we’ve gotten a lot of raised eyebrows, particularly from some ignorant folks who either wrongly assume there’s more between us than we say, or that one of us is holding the other back. One had a tendency to label me as a lesbian because I hang around with my friend and other gay men. (As an Ace, it’s because I find them safe, they will never, ever sexualize me.) One person (who doesn’t know I’m Ace, I’m not fully out) thinks that this friendship might make potential partners of mine “uncomfortable” which I find laughable. If a man is so insecure that he’s threatened by the presence of a friend in my life who isn’t attracted to me or anybody else in my gender … I don’t want him. And if he’s so homophobic that he has “moral issues” with gay men in my life, I don’t want him either.
L: I wish they firstly understood what being aspec was like. Even though I understand that it is really hard to fully grasp the truth of someone else, there are some good readings to do on the subject, or even asking some aspec friends, if they feel comfortable with answering. Then, they could dive into the concept of a QPR and meditate on the thoughts “Could I do this? Would I be okay with knowing that my feelings aren’t reciprocal? Would I be willing to give up on certain things because my partner isn’t comfortable with doing so? Am I truly accepting of the aspec identity of my partner(s) and the fact that said identity is not changing because of me or the relationship?”. If the answer is yes, then commit to understanding both yours and your partner(s) expectations and boundaries, knowing that a QPR is not just a fancy synonym for dating.
Lup: The above, and also that you don’t need to be queer to have a QPR or to practice any of your relationships in non-standard ways that work better for you.
Mak: I wish allo people knew that constantly calling my QPR a romantic relationship won’t make it one.
NeeNee: My queerplatonic partner and I are not “just friends.” We are not [insert gendered term for people in a romantic relationship] either. We love each other deeply, and comfortably, and in a way that cannot be constrained or explained by the norms and judgements of society.
Also, QPRs are for everyone! They are not just an aspec thing. I would love it if more allo people would realise that and be more open to intimate relationships that aren’t just romantic and/or sexual.
Sean/Kira: Allo people might or often use language ignorantly that carries unintended connotations or implications that make people in qprs uncomfortable when used towards them or about them. Language surrounding intimacy often has romantic or sexual connotations due to amatonrmativity that allo people might be unaware of.