Queer Platonic Relationships, or Queer Platonic Partnerships (QPRs/QPPs) are relationships that purposely defy relationship categories, and can mix elements from platonic, romantic, and sexual relationships. They are each unique depending on the people involved in them, but they often involve some level of commitment or intimacy.
Because asexual and aromantic people tend to structure their relationships and interpersonal needs in unique ways, many of them choose to engage in relationships that are hard to define, and take comfort in Queer Platonic Relationships.
The third Sunday in July is Queer Platonic Pride Day – in 2022, that’s July 16, so we decided to highlight aspecs with Queer Platonic Relationships. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Chiu – an arospec pansexual non-binary.
Kal – I use they/them pronouns, and I use the identities aroace, sex and romance averse, lovequeer and polyplatonic.
LJ – I’m aroace with a bit of a lean towards nonmen in terms of other forms of attraction.
Lydia – I identify as a heteroromantic demisexual
Mary – My aspec identities are greyromantic (bellusromantic) and asexual
Rue – Arospec who enjoys romantic things
Vulpes – I use the terms aroace, Nonbinary, queer, and polyamorous
Questions
How do you define/would you describe your QPR?
Kal: I describe my queerplatonic relationship as a triad QPR with two allo identifying people, we differ from traditional platonic relationships because we are physically intimate and plan on spending the rest of our lives together.
LJ: My QPR is a mutual agreement of queerplatonic affection for one another. We clearly state our intentions with the relationship, and that neither of us personally feel romantic or sexual attraction to each other. Basically, we treat it like a couple without the romance or sex.
Lydia: I’d define my QPRs as friends with cuddle benefits. I’m someone that has physical touch as my top love language, and very often in my QPR I treat the other person/people like a romantic partner but without the sexual aspect.
Mary: I would define my QPR as a “DIY” relationship. This means that me and my partner choose to mold it and add or remove elements of intimacy according to what suits us and what we enjoy!
Rue: We were already friends before, but as time passed, I felt as if we can be closer, and would love to do romantic things with each other while still being platonic. When I confessed, I’ve told them how I do want this emotional intimacy with them and be more committed than just being “friends” although not in a romantic way, and they felt the same.
My qpr is built on trust, communication, and openness. We have set boundaries and we are open to each other on telling what we want from the other and we have fun with however we display our affections.
Vulpes: I describe my QPRs as relationships that go beyond friendship in terms of level of commitment and fulfill all of what you’d expect from a typical romantic relationship except that the relationships are not romantic. They are completely separate from the platonic-romantic dichotomy. A partnership.
I also want to add that my QPRs are formed on solid foundations of friendships with the relationship as an added bonus on top. A higher level of commitment and expectations from one another. But friendship is – intentionally so – the entire foundation.
How has being aspec impacted your QPR?
Kal: Being aspec has impacted my QPR by giving me a unique perspective on love and by causing me to highly value my friendships. This allows me to connect with my friends in deeper ways than those who reserve certain aspects of relationships for romantic relationships. Because of this, I can form connections like QPRs that break the boundaries between platonic and romantic relationships.
LJ: Both of us are asexual, and so we can be close physically and cuddle without worrying about it being taken the wrong way
Lydia: I think being aspec has impacted my QPR by really drawing a boundary between my romantic partner and my QPR person/people. Being demisexual helps me share myself deeply with multiple people while reserving sexual intimacy for my romantic partner.
Mary: Being aspec has impacted my QPR a lot, because it has given me the freedom to explore types of intimacy that are traditionally “romantic” in contexts that are much more comfortable to me. Being bellusromantic, I do not think I would be comfortable to do the same things in the context of a romantic relationship. Considering my ace part, my QPR has also brought me many pleasant explorations, like explorations of kink!
Rue: It brought a lot of things to a more clearer view of what I wanted out of a relationship. Though I can’t say for sure if I can commit to a romantic relationship, I do know I enjoy consuming romance media and the idea of doing romantic things, but can’t really see myself in a romantic relationship.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t get the emotional and sensual intimacy that I want. I can get these from non-romantic relationships, especially in my QPR. I can freely show and receive these affections without having to worry about it being taken the wrong way.
How is your experience in aspec communities been impacted by having a QPR?
Kal: My experience with being in a QPR in the aspec community has been overwhelmingly supportive. I think this is because the queerplatonic relationship community and the aspec community are both working towards dismantling amatonormative standards, I occasionally see misinformation or oversimplifications being spread about QPRs by those in the aspec communities but those who do are quick to learn and change.
LJ: I have had both positive and negative experiences, some people think that QPRs are really sweet, and some just dismiss it as friendship.
Mary: My experience in aspec communities has not changed, truth be told, but being in a QPR, I started to notice that people can even use that against aros. Many allo individuals equal QPRs to an end-goal for all aro people, when in reality non-partnering aros exist, as well as aqueerplatonic people!
Vulpes: Being aspec has impacted my QPRs in that I probably wouldn’t be in them if I wasn’t aspec unless approached by another aspec person for this.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Kal: Aspecs can support me by educating themselves and listening to our experiences.
LJ: Treat QPRs like they’re just as important as romance– because they are!!
Mary: Aspec communities are already supportive enough as they are! More queerplatonic representation is needed in media, but that is not always aspec people’s job to do.
Rue: I guess by having more stories shared about their own experiences being in QPRs and their attraction to their partners. I think there’s still a lot of the community unfamiliar with this and would like to explore it, but find it rather hard since there isn’t much to look around for or it’s hard to look for these stories.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other people in QPRs?
Kal: I wish more aspecs knew that not all QPR’s are monogamous, that anyone can be in a QPR including alloallos and that QPR’s are not an aromantic replacement of romantic relationships. Queerplatonic relationship is an umbrella term for relationships that doesn’t fit exactly into the binary of romantic and platonic. So trying to use one way to describe how they work won’t be accurate. They can be monogamous or non-monogamous, between people of any identity, and every one of them is different.
LJ: Not all aroace people desire QPPs
Mary: I wish aspec people knew that anyone can be in QPRs and they can look like whatever you want. They are relationships of commitment but they do not have any set rules. They are like an arrangement of flowers where you pick what you like and make your own unique bouquet.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other people in QPRs?
Chiu: QPRs may not fit in the stereotype of amatonormativity, however, they give aspec people as much (or even more) support and care as romantic relationships do to allo people.
Kal: I wish that more allos knew that QPR’s even exist, so many of them could have felt queerplatonic feelings without even knowing. Their ignorance often turns into stigma and they’ll make fun of relationships that don’t fit the norm or try to label them as romantic/ platonic despite the relationship being neither. If QPRs become more mainstream I hope everyone will also learn what I mentioned in the last question.
LJ: Being in a QPR is not just friendship. If they *need* something to compare it to, then think of it like romance with different standards. Also, don’t dismiss QPRs as “not real relationships” -_-
Lydia: I wish people would understand that being in one/multiple QPRs aren’t selfish or indecisive or promiscuous. Some people, myself included, have a lot of close social and physical needs. Having a QPR allows individuals that need more than what a conventional offers the option to get those needs satisfied. I am happier when I have people I’m very close to that fit into a QPR status. We understand our relationship to each other and respect all choices/decisions.
Mary: I wish allo people knew…So many things. First of all, that QPRs are not exclusively for aspec people. They themselves can get in QPRs if they want. Secondly, that just because something seems “romantic”, it does not mean it actually is. People define the intentions behind their actions. Third, that we do not like things to be assumed about our relationship. Fourth, that we do not like allos to enforce the idea of a QPR as the perfect solution for all aros.
Rue: Being in a qpr acknowledges the things that are intimate (where most people would assume it only be seen in romantic relationships) can be done in the context of being platonic, or non-romantic.
Vulpes: I wish allo people knew what QPRs were for a start. That they knew and understood it as a valid and real way of engaging in relationships. And that it is so rewarding for me to feel so seen in these relationships and be able to choose the aspects of relationships that fit with me