Asexual communities tend to include a high proportion of young people, and more and more people are discovering asexuality at earlier ages. While it is wonderful that there is increased education allowing people to find community when they are young, it also means that we need to be aware of the specific experiences, joys, challenges, and struggles faced by ace young people.
In honor of the International Day of Youth, August 12, we are highlighting the experiences of ace people under the age of 20. In order to protect their identities and prevent online harassment, we have not included any social media handles. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Alyssa – I’m aroace and I’m 15
Ana – aroace cisgender girl, 18
Emma – I use they/them pronouns, I’m aroace, and I’m 16 years old.
Fitz – I am asexual, and I am 19 years old.
Govya or Rey – My aspec identities are aromantic and asexual. My age is 16.
Hazel – demiromantic/biromantic, asexual, 18
Julia – aroace, 19
Kaz – I am 19 years old and on the aroace spectrum, but more specifically I identify with the labels demi-pan-sexual and demi-pan-romantic.
LB – 18 and aroace
Lizzie – My aspec identities are Aromantic & Asexual, 14
Monika – Aro identities: loveless aro, romance repulsed. Ace identities: aceflux Age:16
Raine – I’m Aromantic and Asexual and I’m 16
Rayn – I identify as Cis Demisexual Heteroromantic and I am 17 years old
Questions
How does your age intersect with your orientation?
Alyssa: As a fifteen year old, I find it simultaneously easy and difficult to believe people my age actually experience sexual attraction. My age contributes to some of my uncertainty about whether I will, in fact, experience sexual attraction sometime in the future. For now, though, the asexual label is useful for me.
Ana: Personally I find myself very lucky for the fact that I have started discovering whole aspec two years ago when I was sixteen. Discovering my identities as a teenager has encouraged me to explore feminism and queer activism and get involved into them. Two years ago I also became a peer educator on some very important and severe topics and guess it or not, asexuality is one of them. Now I am one of few educators on asexuality because I stand for the idea that all people, but especially young, have their right to get proper language to describe their experience – it makes all the anxiety little less. When it comes to coming out to elders, I often hear “You have time ” (and they are right, I do have time, to educate everyone on asexuality 😉 )
Emma: I would say that the most prominent way in which my age intersects with my orientation is in the level of awareness my peers and I have surrounding asexuality, both due to my age and the time that I am growing up in. In general, there has been a lot of progress in awareness about ace identities. This has helped me to figure out my identity, makes it easier for me to share and discuss my identity with others my age, and has made it more common for people in my age group to identify on the ace spectrum, allowing me to more easily find people I can connect with about my identity. I feel so privileged to have been able to find these labels and communities at a much younger age than previous generations likely would have been able to.
On the flip side, while figuring out my aro identity, I felt like it countered a lot of expectations for me and did not align with “normal” experiences. I think like a lot of young people, discovering this aspect of my identity while in middle school/beginning of high school – a time when there is a lot of pressure to work out how to fit in – was a bit challenging and overwhelming. Nonetheless, since finding a community of my peers where I am so lucky to be completely comfortable talking about my identity, this has gotten a lot easier.
Fitz: It was not until about two years ago that I realised I was ace since I just presumed, I had not reached the age where sex was something that people desired. Once realising that those feelings tend to begin around 15/16, I finally make the connection.
Govya: Both my age and orientation are intersected with each other because people don’t expect you to feel any intimate attraction to anyone else, but you can see other people around you having these feelings which you can’t relate to.
Hazel: Compared to many of my LGBTQIA+ peers and classmates, I discovered later in life that I was queer. Even though I am still relatively young and very fortunate to have the words to describe my identity now, I often lament my early high school and middle school years when I did not know how to label myself, especially when I really wanted to find a community and connect to people like me.
I now realize that my asexuality and aromanticism are two things I will have for the journey of my life. Knowing who I am now will help me advocate for myself and my needs in the future.
I am still young and do not have a lot of sexual and/or romantic experience (and I by no means need to), so sometimes I struggle with feeling certain in my own orientation. A lot of aphobia affects my mindset towards myself, in which I find myself feeling doubts of, “what if this changes one day?” or “what if I’m really not queer?”
When I find myself feeling like this, I talk to others, my friends especially. I have found comfort in who I am now. For this very moment, all that matters is that I am happy. I find happiness in knowing who I am right now. I am happy to have the aspec community, who understands me when I have not always felt understood.
Julia: I came out when I was twelve, and when you’re that young, everyone immediately assumes that you don’t know what you’re talking about and that it’s just a phase. I was lucky that while my parents didn’t understand at first, they supported me and were willing to learn. To everyone else though, I had to defend my ace-ness a *lot.* I’ve gotten the classic “maybe you just haven’t met the right person,” and “how do you know you don’t like sex if you’ve never done it,” and I while I understand that identities can change, this pushback from my peers kind of scared me into becoming even more steadfast. It hasn’t happened, but I thought that if I ever *did* start to feel sexual attraction, that I’d be proving all of the bullies right. Any hint of that would be a failure on my part, so I kept any aesthetic attraction to myself and didn’t start pointing it out when I found people pretty until I hit high school.
Kaz: At my age, I’m 19 and in college, a lot more of my friends are having sex with their partners or even seeking out casual sexual partners. It’s difficult for me because I rarely have ever felt that type of attraction to others in my life, or when I do, I don’t want to act upon it with other people. My friends also seem to enjoy watching movies or tv series that have sex scenes and even discuss how it is unrealistic by pulling from their own lived experience and I just don’t relate to that as someone who is sex-repulsed and feels extremely uncomfortable the majority of the time watching actors have sex on screen. It feels isolating in some ways that I’m not interested in sex or develop sexual attraction as my peers do.
LB: I‘m 18 and aroace. I do not want any children, partly because I‘m aroace and I also do not want a romantic or sexual relationship, but whenever the topic of my decision to be childfree comes up, most people just say „you‘ll change your mind later on“ “i thought the same when i was your age“, which is really invalidating and makes me not feel heard.
Lizzie: It was really hard for me to realise that I was ace bc I kept telling myself that ‘I’m too young’
Raine: It doesn’t intersect at all.
Rayn: My age is when relationships becomes a primary topic from adults and friends, making it incredibly uncomfortable for me a lot of the time, since it is a normal expectation.
How is your experience in ace communities impacted by your age?
Alyssa: I’m part of a teen aspec group on Discord, which has helped me with my asexual journey. In my experience, asexual communities in general are more oriented towards young people, so I feel very comfortable in them.
Ana: I can say that online communities are pretty accepting of most of my identities. I am delighted to see so many young people becoming more courageous to come out and openly talk about their identities. I really appreciate support and information online community gives me. In online world my age is actually a very welcoming aspect of my identity – I tend to share my perspectives on multiple sexuality-correlated things with others and politely discuss things I do not understand fully and for that I often get cheered. When it comes to my offline community, my general opinion is that here in Serbia we dont really have a community yet. So many volunteers and queer activists I know are young but but I dont feel that we are connected that much as we might pottentially be. This insight is also a very good place to start. I guess that I am ahead to strengthen and build a strong offline community 😉
Emma: I am very fortunate that my age has, in many ways, helped me to find ace communities. All of the other people who I have connected with about being ace are around my age. In fact, I first learned of asexuality from a friend who identified as ace, eventually allowing me to begin figuring out my own identity. This awareness of ace identities is much more common among people of my generation, allowing more of us to discover and possibly identify along the ace spectrum, in turn making it easier for me to find ace communities than it likely would be if I were older. Within ace communities, a large portion of people are close in age to me, meaning that we often have a lot of similar, relatable experiences in common, and can find a strong sense of solidarity. At the same time, the community being predominantly young can sometimes mean that we miss the type of guidance that can come from having a greater number of role models or older representation.
Fitz: I have been too afraid to join any ace communities.
Govya: My experience in ace communities haven’t had any major impacts on me based on my age. However, these communities have helped me come to terms with myself, and who I really am.
Hazel: For the most part, I interact with the aspec community through Instagram and Twitter, which means that we are likely of the same or similar age group. However, I will say that a lot of the biggest voices in aspec advocacy are older. And, while this is not inherently bad (and good to protect minors from such a public spotlight of possible harassment), it also means that I don’t see myself or see stories about coming to terms with your sexuality and romantic identities in the modern-day, especially in a social media age where so much can be sexualized and romanticized. In a place where you do not always know where you belong, and if you want to belong.
Julia: I’ve been pretty lucky to meet some great people within the ace community, and to be able to share my stories publicly without backlash. I’ve spoken on Slice of Ace’s Aces Assemble series and have helped friends of mine into the community, so my experience has been pretty positive. Other people within the LGBTQ+ community is a different story, but I haven’t had too many interactions with aphobic queers online or in person.
Kaz: It’s usually the sex-positive or sex-neutral asexuals that are having sex who are around my age at 19. But I know there are people like me who are sex-repulsed and don’t . I feel like most asexuals in online ace communities are minors so I can’t always relate to them and reach out to make friends since they and I are at different points in our lives and I don’t feel comfortable talking about my lack of attraction with people who are younger than me. I only just recently found about more friends that are around my age in the asexual community, but most of them I’m not that close with and don’t talk to often.
Lizzie: Ace communities helped me understand that I’m not ‘too young’ to be ace
Raine: It hasn’t impacted it too much, there are some within the community who believe my identity is invalid because I’m too young.
Rayn: I’m often told by communities that I don’t have enough experience to define my attraction towards others. Otherwise people are super enthusiastic because I have found a community I fit into so early on.
How is your experience with other people your age impacted by your orientation?
Alyssa: I’ve talked with my closest (allosexual, similar age) friends about my being asexual, and they’re all accepting. Often, though, my friends have conversations that I can’t relate to or add to because of my asexuality.
Ana: It is so hard to explain this. I am much aware of how different I am and sometimes it can make me feel a bit lonely. We live in an allonormative world, whose one of the principies are : romantic relathionship = sex, which can make so much confusion for people who might want to date specific people. Sex-talk in my surrounding isnt often a real sex talk that includes consent and sexual boundaries, but rather ” i-saw-this-in-porn-this-is-how-it-is-supposed-to-be” talk. I am sex positive for others and sex-repulsed for myself and these two can cooexist without being mutually exclusive. The fact that I am like this makes people assumpt that I want sex but need my time which to me is so frustrating and it reminds me of trying to fix someone, the line “you will one day” which is giving me a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
Emma: I have been truly privileged to have had very positive reactions from people my age in the spaces where I have chosen to talk about my orientation, with many of them already having a good understanding of what my identity labels mean. I found my experiences were more impacted before I figured out my identity, became comfortable with sharing my aceness, and found the very supportive community of friends I am so fortunate to have. Before this, I did sometimes feel quite isolated, as I struggled to relate to what a lot of people my age would discuss, and this feeling of isolation made it harder for me to love my identity or feel hopeful about sharing my identity. Now that I understand and accept my own identity better, while certain conversations can still not be the most relatable to me, that no longer makes me feel like there is something wrong with the way I am, thanks to having found the language to describe my identity and communities who support me. This has lended to my confidence and helped me to feel more at ease with other people my age.
Fitz: It was difficult and daunting to begin dating since a lot of people my age are interested in the sexual aspect of a relationship (and there is nothing wrong with that) and that is something I cannot provide.
Govya: My experiences with other people my age have definitely impacted my orientation. Whenever I hear people talk about people they are attracted to, I always assumed that it was aesthetic. I never thought that looking at someone attractive could cause people to feel physically attracted to them. It was completely shocking.
Hazel: As someone who has recently graduated from high school, I find that a lot of other people are also discovering their own sexualities or romantic identities, even if they are straight allocishet.
However, something that I think is very unique to the LGBTQIA+ community is that the discovery of ourselves is not a common media topic and also not a classroom topic. It is not normalized to equip students with the language to talk about themselves unless they fit into an allocishet profile, which many of us do not.
When you are young and perhaps going through your first relationship, wanting to find your first relationship, or dodging any and all relationships, it can be really difficult to have the words as to “why” you are doing this, since asexuality and aromanticism go against societal expectations. Many of my peers, who are not aspec and not part of the LGBTQIA+ community did not struggle as much to find their sexuality and romantic identities, because they were easily provided with and given the language to express their personal desires. I did not have that luxury, and, as a result, was in lackluster relationships because I didn’t know how to advocate for what I wanted. While many teenagers will go through breakups, I found myself forced through breakups because I couldn’t express what I needed and what I didn’t want.
Julia: Coming out as ace was actually one of the main things that helped me become friends with boys in middle school. I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in them, so we didn’t have to do the awkward “are we friends or is this something else” thing. And those are friendships that I still have to this day. However, because I was hanging out with boys way more, and because most people assumed by asexuality either wasn’t real or was just an act of trying to get attention, I was bullied a lot by people who wanted to prove something by putting these friendships in jeopardy. I’m lucky that none of my guy friends ever fell for it, but it made me feel like I had to watch my back way more than any 7th grader should.
Kaz: Being around other people my age who are allosexual and openly talk about engaging in intercourse has solidified my asexual identity as I don’t feel things that they do or I only feel them in very specific, rare instances. It makes me stop questioning myself and feel valid in my identity but can also feel lonely as my allo friends can never fully understand my experiences and lack of attraction.
LB: I can‘t relate when they‘re talking about physical traits of people when they‘re attracted to others or in general when they‘re talking about bodies in a sexual way or sex.
Lizzie: Many ppl are more skeptical about it in comparison to aromantism. And I’ve heard many times that ‘I am too young to know’
Raine: I feel I cant bond with them or create close relationships because of how important sexual and romantic attraction is in our society.
Rayn: It’s usually really hard to explain my orientation and it’s treated as “foreign”. Once people learn about my orientation it usually comes with a complicated conversation that, yes, it’s a valid identity
Do you want to share any other identities that may intersect with or impact the way that your age intersects with your orientation? (EG: gender, racial identity, other queer identity, ability, etc)
Alyssa: I’m Asian, so culturally, I’ve been encouraged to focus on my studies instead of having a significant other at this age. Because of this, it’s not odd to my family that I’m not preoccupied with finding a date (often linked with sexual attraction, not to say aces can’t date!).
Ana: My poly-queerplatonic identity. As I wrote before I am demian (demi-aroace) but I have much stronger platonic tendencies than romantic ones. I do feel both alterous and queerplatonic attraction to my closest male friends and with few of them I formed queerplatonic relathionships – that is in, my context, existing as “poly” . But then there comes reality and something so much annoying about having poly tendencies – slut-shaming. I cant describe how much of a slut-shaming I faced when I discovered poly part of myself and said that out loud. The assumption that I have sex with all of them is personally giving me amounts of anger I could not describe. And this assumption has its addition that I feel need to highlight here : the fact that women are shamed for having multiple sex partners is hurtful for girls in polyamorous relationship too. That odd patriarchal construct keeps young girls and women not only to explore their sex life but also their other tendencies like in my case platonic. Before descovering my asexuality, patriarchy has made me believe that if I feel something towards multiple men it must have been sexual (that is not wrong, of course, but it is not an ultimate default ) and you are obligated to “give them” what they want, but if you “give it”, oh what a slut you are. So much double standards that differentiate from culture to culture and it is annoying.
Emma: I am afab, and would be perceived as feminine-presenting. As afab people, we learn from a very young age how sexualized we are. I am lucky and have never had anyone dismiss me or respond disrespectfully when I have told them I am ace. Still, I experience constant reminders, from people I come across in my life and society at large, of how we are viewed – no matter our identity or how we want to be perceived. There are also continual hints of the gender roles we are expected to fulfill, which, for the way I personally experience being aroace, both contradict my identity and simply what I want out of my life. We are expected to live our lives, to varying degrees, for other people – from the way we dress and look and act, to the relationships we have, to the roles we play in these relationships. Reminders of this come in innumerable forms: on social media, in aphobic and sexist discourse, in catcalling and inappropriate comments, and much more.
These assumptions and unwanted perceptions have led me to wonder if our orientations will ever truly be respected in this society. They are reminders that as women and feminine-percieved people, we are always taken less seriously, and the knowledge and authority we have on ourselves and what we want is diminished and dismissed – and this disrespect is even more heightened when we are young. My aroace identity gives me a distinct viewpoint; another aspect of my identity that gives me reason to push back against these unwelcome ways in which we are viewed and treated. This intersection shows that gaining the autonomy to determine what we each desire as individuals would help us all.
Fitz: I am transgender, so there is a possibility that my intense body dysphoria is contributing to my discomfort surrounding sex.
Govya: My aromanticism is strongly connected to my asexuality because I don’t particularly connect to the romance and intimate aspects of a relationship. However, these two terms have helped me understand that I don’t need romance or an intimate connection with someone to be happy, which has helped me grow as a person.
Hazel: Not only am I aspec, I am also disabled. My disabled-queer-youth triple combo has changed my life. Mostly because, for the vast majority of my existence, I did not have the language or ability to express who I was and how I became the person that I am today. I felt truly invisible. We never talk about ableism or homophobia in school. My youth even added to my feelings of self-doubt towards my own lived experiences, because I was commonly told that I was “too young to know’ or “too young to feel like this”.
I have never been given a healthy or safe space with an adult to discuss my own marginalized identities. Because of this, I have felt even more isolated than some of my non-queer, non-aspec, and non-disabled peers. For 15 years of my life, I knew of the words “asexual” and “disabled”, but they meant nothing to me. No one ever let them mean anything to me, because I was not encouraged to ever discover these parts of myself.
Having the support of an adult allowing me to healthily explore my own identities through education and kindness would have saved me from a lot of hardship and unhappiness in my high school years, when I put myself into situations I should not have in order to be “just like everyone else.”
But now, I am my own person. I don’t need to be like everyone else when I am happy this way, far happier than I likely could have ever expected when I started high school four years ago.
Kaz: I am on the aromantic spectrum as well so being asexual is not a topic of discussion I have to bring up to romantic partners as other asexuals might have to do if they also identify as alloromantic or romance-postive/netural. Also, I am transmasc nonbinary and the times I do feel sexual attraction to others I think I would feel dysphoria actually engaging in sex since I am pre-medical transition. I do not feel fully confident with my body right now, and I am a trans person who wants to transition medically, so I think that once I am post-transition and look the way I feel in my mind and soul than I will be more euphoric during sex in the rare instances I feel that attraction.
LB: I‘m also aromantic which is why i also can‘t relate when others talk about their romantic relationships. And in addition I notice that when i‘m watching romance movies with friends i often find scenes unrealistic which they don‘t.
Raine: I’m non binary and have a few mental illnesses.
Rayn: Something that intersects with my age and orientation is my religion. I am Christian and because of my age people often assume that my parents just drilled out beliefs into my head and that’s why I feel the way I do. It took a long time for me to separate my orientation and beliefs.
Do you find that people react a certain way when you tell them that you are ace, and do you think this reaction would be different if you were older?
Alyssa: I haven’t come out to any adults. I fear that if I did, my asexuality would be dismissed due to my age. I don’t think my peers believe my age has any impact on whether I identify as ace or not.
Ana: I am not afraid of what elders have to say, honestly when they become annyoing I remind them they have other things to do like educate themselves on asexuality. When it comes to my peers, I am not really sure how they react but neither do I care.
Emma: A lot of people who I have told have been of around my own age; so, because of our age a lot of them have been at least relatively aware of what ace identities can mean, and have had fewer misconceptions about what it means to be ace. I have told fewer older people and people outside of queer communities, but my experience there has been that I have had to do much more explaining of my identity. In this way, I would say my age has been a privilege in that a lot of the people who I have wanted to tell have been more aware, and therefore I have had an easier time telling them. However, I do know that many young people are less respected when they share their identities because of the way that young people’s knowledge is more likely to be responded to dismissively.
Fitz: A lot of people have told me that I might ‘change my mind’ because I am still young, this feels dismissive.
Govya: I find that most of the reactions now are mostly about me being a ‘late bloomer.’ My sister is a very strong advocate of that belief, and my mother was very adamant too. However, I feel as though the older I get, the more pressure there will be on the ‘importance’ of intimate connection. Even though people would be more likely to believe me if I come out later on; I think that they would be disgusted or weirded out instead.
Hazel: I came out to the majority of the adults in my life when I was 16. Because of this, many of them did seem to think that I was overreacting, or confused as to why I was giving myself these labels, which felt like, to them, unnecessary boxes that I was cramming myself into. Boxes that sounded more like celibacy with extra steps to them.
I do think that, if I was older, people would have offered me more credibility with my label. As a whole, I believe this is a problem with society, where the opinions of people who are younger are not given the same weight or respect as they might if I were even just 5 years older. This isn’t to say that children are always right, but rather that youth should be supported rather than scolded as they discover these parts of themselves. Even if my asexuality and aromanticism were “just a phase” (they weren’t), to have been supported through that without hesitancy or snide remarks on the side would have allowed me to find community beyond my aspec peers. That community is something I lacked for the majority of my life and is the reason I did come out to anyone at all: because I wanted people to see me, for me, all of the way through.
Julia: Now that I am an adult people are generally more accepting that this is who I am, but I still every now and then will be told by a doctor that I can always change my mind, or my parents will ask how I can be so certain. I know these people don’t mean any harm when they say these things so it doesn’t bother me, and I know the longer I continue to be myself as an aro-ace person, the less these questions will come up. That’s how I believe acceptance for queerness as a whole will evolve: it takes time.
Kaz: When I tell people that I’m ace, they usually assume that I am the stereotypes, such as “innocent” just because I haven’t had as much sexual experience as them which is an unfortunate and inaccurate ideal about asexuals to have. They also assume that I have never felt sexual attraction or will never in my life which isn’t true about asexuals as there are different ways to be ace and some may be all over the positive, neutral, and repulsed sexual spectrum at different times and in different situations even. Coming out as ace a lot of the time feels like an education lesson and it can be exhausting as there is still not that much accurate ace representation in the entertainment industry and media so not everyone knows what asexuality actually means and how broad and diverse our community is. Unfortunately, I think this reaction might be worse as I get older purely because of how glorified losing your virginity is in society and your peers may expect or pressure you that you should have had sex or multiple sexual experiences by a certain age for status or something.
LB: Luckily the people that I‘ve told just accepted that I‘m ace which is why I can‘t say if they‘d reacted differently if I was older.
Lizzie: Yeah I think if I were older they would stop telling ne that when I’ll be older I’ll start experiencing sexual attraction.
Monika: People usually tell me that I am childish and I need to grow up. And i think it’s weird because I only came out to my friends who are around the same age as me. To be honest I’m almost sure that the reaction will never change even when I’ll be older.
Raine: Definitely. They don’t get it and usually start asking about masturbation and if I watch porn, etc.
Rayn: I’m not taken seriously because of my age. Most people tell me that’s too limiting of an orientation to identify as “so young”. As I get older I hope people realize I’m not unhappy being ace and I’m much more comfortable with the title than without
How could aspec communities better support you?
Ana: Talking a lot more about queerplatonic relationships and social pressure to fit into the “binary” relationship scheme would be help
Emma: I have been immensely privileged to feel very supported in the aspec communities that I have found. By contrast, our communities at large do have a lot of work to do to better support and uplift representation and inclusion of the most marginalized people within our communities, such as ace people of color, disabled ace people, and trans ace people – just to name a few. Overall, let’s work to make our community’s advocacy more intersectional.
Fitz: Unfortunately, I do not know.
Govya: I feel as though the aspec community is very accepting and supporting. However, I would love to see more advocacy on uplifting voices of marginalized and intersectional communities; whether that be race, gender, ethnicity, etc. Most online communities are very centered around the western experience of asexuality, and it would be great if the community could expand to include the voices of those around the globe as well.
Hazel: I would love to see the aspec community focus more on examples of relationship boundaries. I think that a lot of people who don’t know that they are asexual or aromantic or aspec can get themselves into toxic situations because they are forcing themselves to preform as an allosexual and alloromantic partner, which we aren’t and don’t have to be in order to be happy. Just generally normalizing boundaries and talking about sex in a positive, not-negative light would give people the words to discuss this and not feel stuck in a box from which they cannot escape.
I also feel that marketing aspec content in general is important, but taking the time to really engage young people with Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube content could be helpful. I discovered I was ace from a YouTube video about asexuality. I still remember how I felt when I was given the language to express myself, which I had never once been provided.
Kaz: Aspec communities could better support me by validating my demisexual identity and label as well as how my sexual attraction can waver from sex-repulsed to sex-neutral to sex-positive in different instances and how that is valid. Even if I have a sexual partner or partners in the future, my asexual identity is still what I idenify as and should be recognized and validated by others in the community because I have experienced attraction outside of amatonormativity and my asexual attraction is still underlying in some ways such as not feeling that sexual attractive to people even if I think they’re attractive. Further, alterous and aesthetic attraction should be more talked about and respected as another form of attraction in the asexual community as many aces may relate and bond with each other over those types of attraction and experiences which can help them to understand themselves and be more confident in their identities.
Lizzie: Idk ace communities are amazing.
Raine: Tips on how to deal with and reply to super personal questions being asked when you come out to others. Like for example; how do you reply to questions about getting horny or masturbation, etc.
Rayn: The best way to support young aro/ace people is with resources and places to relate and connect with one another. Having someone on your side or who feels the same way and deals with the same things is life changing
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other young ace people?
Emma: As a young ace person, I have had the privilege to form many of my core beliefs while coming to understand my identity as an ace person. Being able to figure this out while I am young has allowed me to think about many aspects of my life and values through a lens with fewer preconceived notions, and with less internalized pressure to conform. This has helped me to believe (at least most of the time) in the fact that we, ace people, have absolutely nothing to apologize for, there is nothing wrong with us, and we are certainly in no way lacking.
My pride and security in my ace identity (which is an incredible privilege that comes from being surrounded by supportive people) has also enabled me to feel that none of us should have to justify our identities or make them align more with societal values, and there is certainly no need to exclude anyone from our communities in an attempt to make us seem more palatable. Our identities are valid with or without the approval of allonormative society, and acceptance based on palatability is not freedom.
Govya: I hope that other aspec people knew how grateful I am for such an amazing and accepting community. I hope that as we progress and our orientation becomes more well known; we can extend resources and allow aspec people from around the globe to be heard.
Hazel: Asexuality is immense. It is beautiful. It can change, it can stay the same. Really all that matters is that we share that experience with each other. Keep open ears and build that community so that way no one ever feels as alone as we have in the past.
Kaz: I wish more aspec people knew that it is okay to use microlabels under the asexual label to describe your identity, experiences, and levels of attraction or lack of attraction. It should also be known that it is okay to swap ace labels under the umbrella if you find another identity that describes your experience better and it is totally okay to even relate to multiple asexual microlabels.
Raine: Remember how it felt to first figure it all out and what we’re going through please.
Rayn: For me, I wish people kept in mind that asexuality comes on a scale and not everyone lives it the same way.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other young ace people?
Alyssa: I wish allos knew that yes, it is possible to know if you’re ace at a young age! Claiming a label as a teenager is not harmful to anyone, and if a teen finds identifying as ace helpful, comforting, useful, etc., it doesn’t hurt!
Emma: We all – allo people, ace people; everyone – know ourselves the best. When we are young, we have an important perspective: one that is less tinted by what society has told us, and one that, in certain aspects, allows us to know ourselves more authentically. Let’s respect this knowledge of each of our identities and the ways each of us choose to describe our identities, and let’s strive to make our conversations and everything we do more inclusive and less judgemental.
Fitz: You can talk about sex in front of a lot of us (do check boundaries though), I enjoy gossiping and discussing things of a sexual nature even
Govya: I wish allo people knew that young aspec people know who they are, and that it’s not ‘just a phase.’ I also want allos to understand that there is nothing wrong with being asexual. It’s not ‘a pity’, it’s not ‘lame’ or ‘boring.’ Understanding that some people might not feel that intimate pull towards someone else is crucial to building a more accepting and open environment; and can help harvest more conversations about the role of intimacy in society.
Hazel: Even if being ace was only temporary, it should still be respected. Even if being aro was a phase, it is still worth your time, because it means something to us.
Our entire lives, we are given the opportunity to learn about so many things. Our youth is a massive part of our opportunity to learn about ourselves and about the world. We should be allowed to grow and change, and part of that should involve experimentation, learning, and platforming. By providing us with education on the infinite possibilities of our own identities and scales of love, we are able to share that love with others in our own way. There is nothing more meaningful and life-changing than that. Nothing that could make us more human.
Julia: We are not a threat to your bloodline, we are not confused, we are not lonely, and we are not too young to know these things. We are leading the perfect lives we were meant to lead exactly how we want them. There’s a time for every generation when they do something new or unexpected that the adults around them don’t understand or accept. I ask you to remember how that rejection felt — whatever it was. Maybe you grew up in the Satanic Panic, or you were a flower child, or the person you loved was of a different race, or you were in a different queerphobic society. Remember how ignorant and wrong the people criticizing you were, and don’t be those adults. Trust us. We’ve got this.
Kaz: I wish more allo people would know that there are plenty of inclusive and resources out there written by those who are ace to educate themselves on asexuality. It would be amazing to see more allo people that know how to compromise while romantically dating asexual people who may not be sex-postive or hypersexual and be open in communication with their partners, be respectful, and open-minded.
LB: We‘re not too young to know our sexuality.
Lizzie: That we can know at a young age if we are ace or not.
Monika: That even if we feel other types of attraction (romantic, platonic, aesthetic etc) we are still ace and we are not just confused or childish
Raine: My asexual identity is not because some guy hurt me or because of trauma. Please stop telling aspec people or anyone apart of the lgbt community that.
Rayn: I wish allo people didn’t act as though our orientation is “sad”, because that is part of the reason it’s hard to accept yourself in the first place. If the person is comfortable talking about it, allo people are welcome to ask questions if they’re genuinely curious, just don’t make us feel so foreign.