Aspec communities are often dominated by white people and people from the US and Europe, so this article focuses on the experiences and perspectives of ace and aro people from Africa, from the African diaspora, or who identify as Black. We are posting it on August 31 to celebrate the International Day for Peoples of African Descent. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Gentle Giant Ace – African American, asexual
Mak – I identify as aroace. I am Black, born in Ghana and have lived here most of my life.
N.C.M (she/they) – I identify as Omni-angled AroAce (demiromantic asexual). I was born, raised and currently live in South Africa and identify as an IsiZulu black/African person.
NJ – I’m aromantic and demisexual, and I’m from Trinidad and Tobago, located in the Caribbean, I identify as Black and I’m of the West African diaspora that arrived to my country/region due to the Transatlantic Slave Trade (1500s – 1800s).
Remi – My aspec identities are aromantic and asexual. I’m a black person from Ghana.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon – My pronouns are zhe, zhir, and zhirs. I am aromantic asexual. I am a Black Southerner born and raised in the United States with Jamaican heritage.
Shava – Aspec identities: asexual Racial/ ethnic identity: Black African, Zimbabwean
Summer – I’m asexual and a questioning demi romantic, and I’m a black American of Haitian decent.
Tyger Songbird – African-American, born in the United States (Oklahoma)
Questions
How does your race or ethnicity intersect with your orientation?
Gentle Giant Ace: So, I am an African American Asexual who lives in Pennsylvania…It’s an intersection that is not often spoken a lot about and that is changing as time goes on..
NCM: I don’t know anyone who is aspec, so I’ve never been personally exposed to how my identity impacts the aspec community. It did, however, shock me when I first found out online that being black in aspec spaces came with its challenges. It never really sat well with me because we already are a community that struggles with representation in the LGBTQ+ community, in media or have non-aspecs say they have never heard of our identities, so I assumed that people would be a bit more empathetic.
NJ: My ethnicity intersects with my aspec orientations in a way of it being more readily accepted for me to identify as “just Black” than to outwardly identify as a Black person on the aroace spectrum. Being Black is not something I can hide or choose who I want to be aware of that identity, it’s something that is just immediately known, and in order to not be at any further disadvantage in any situation, I find myself withholding my aroace spec identities or simply pretending to not be aroace for the sake of assimilation to amatonormativity.
Remi: I’ve only been in one space with Ghanaian aces and my race and ethnicity had a huge impact, since all the aces also shared the same/similar identities with me. Finding people who shared those identities with me was very comforting.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon: I am BlaQueer (as coined by Dr. Anansi Wilson). How I navigate queer spaces, whether social, romance-coded, or sex-coded, is very racialized. So many standards of conventional attractiveness and palatability are not obtainable by me, as I will never be and do not want to be White, light skin, cis, or complacent with oppressive institutions. In wider society, I am viewed as needing to represent so many different communities when I am just living my best Black life. I have spent most of my teen and new adult life in White queer spaces and nonBlack-dominated queer spaces. Too often, I am policed in those spaces. As I get older, I am seeking more Black queer spaces. In doing so, I have connected with more aro, arospec, ace, and acespec Black people. I am more free to be myself.
Shava: Women of my race/ethnicity typically have curvier bodies that are hyper sexualised and exoticised in western society. Because of that, a lot of people assume that because I have a body type that is seen as sexually desirable, I must want sex. This assumption made it extremely difficult for me to embrace being ace as I often forced myself to be sexual just because I knew it was expected of me. Even now, it’s difficult to explain to allo people/partners that I can be black, curvy AND ace and that those identities aren’t mutually exclusive despite what racist stereotypes about African women would have you believe.
My culture is more sexually conservative, and thus most women tend to wait until marriage before having sex. As an ace person, this puts me in a weird spot because I’m celibate not because I’m some virtuous African woman, but because I just don’t want to have sex. I didn’t even bother coming out to my family because to them, being ace would essentially be their dream: a daughter who doesn’t want to have sex unless it’s with her partner. There’d be no pushback, but I also wouldn’t get the emotional support I need.
Summer: I feel being black has put me in a unique position of being at odds with my community because im not Christian, hypersexualized, or believe in a nuclear family. It’s also given me a lot of insight on how little non poc understand poc experience with any sexuality.
Tyger Songbird: My race definitely impacts my relationship with being aro-ace. I grew up in a conservative Christian family that says the only way to be proper is to be straight, married, and with kids. It took me years of unpacking negative thoughts about being LGBTQIA+ and to fully accept being asexual and aromantic.
How has your experience in aspec communities been impacted by your race or ethnicity?
Gentle Giant Ace: Overall it’s been positive however, I ran into problems with racism within an Asexual facebook group…It was really an experience that impacted how I navigated spaces within our community, especially since Ace spaces online tend to be majority White…And because of that, people tend to forget that we exist too…
Mak: It feels like within aspec communities online, white voices receive the most visibility. I know that part of it is down to how social media works but I think we could do better to listen to more diverse voices. And to acknowledge where our conscious and unconscious biases exist.
NCM: Black people are hypersexualised, and unfortunately that has unknowingly been ingrained into the minds of those I know, so me being aspec and black puts me in a position where it feels like it’s impossible for the two identities to coexist. It’s always met with criticism, confusion or uneducated assumptions. I’ve even had to discontinue seeing my clinical psychologist. His comments and assumptions were affecting me so much that it erased all the work I had put into accepting my orientation and affecting my efforts to fight off suicidal thoughts that had nothing to do with my orientation to begin with.
NJ: I’ve only engaged in online aspec communities and I’ve found that very rarely is race and ethnicity an issue, however I don’t bring up my ethnicity in these communities unless I think I’ll be contextualising a specific discourse and even when that is done, I’ve found people to be very accepting of that different perspective.
Shava: I think it goes without saying that there is very little African/ black rep in the aspec community. Because of that, it makes it difficult for me to refer any resources to African allos so that they can better understand where I’m coming from, and “prove” that I’m not making it up or falling prey to “western thinking.” It also means I can’t get culturally specific help in terms of coming out to family and friends, navigating expectations and perceptions around a “woman’s role” in society, or how to deconstruct other rigid binaries within your culture without abandoning it completely.
Summer: Ever since I came out as ace I’ve noticed how much of an rare gem I’m seen as, not only am I black but I’m still sex favorable and people act like I can’t be ace because of those two things don’t mix at all.
Tyger Songbird: Most a-spec spaces tend to be dedicated to white asexual, and there is hardly any acknowledgement for aces of color, aces with disabilities, and other intersections. It would be greater to diversify the discussion.
How is your experience with others from your race or ethnicity impacted by being aspec?
Gentle Giant Ace: It’s a conversation starter whenever I meet fellow folk in public or even in family spaces,I think because of cultural expectations and stereotypes, it catches people off guard whenever i say I’m Asexual…But 9 times out of 10,the conversation ends with them being open to learning about Asexual people and culture and how it can intersect with race, religion, etc etc…
Mak: There is so much cultural expectation to fit into the amatonormative and cisheteropatriarchal mold as a woman. It doesn’t seem to matter whether you want those things or not because as a woman it’s your duty to bear children and sex is for the husband’s pleasure anyway. So when you’re someone who really really doesn’t want those things and you’re vocal about it, eyebrows get raised. Queerness is seen as a “Western import”. It’s anti-African and definitely anti-Christian. All of this denies the fact that this form of bigotry is largely a colonial import. As difficult as it is facing queer phobia on the home front, there’s an added layer of hurt as the people who created these homophobic laws for us in the first place view us as backward for living with a problem they created. It’s exhausting having to hide so much of ourselves because of the danger that living openly brings.
NJ: Black aspec folks tend to find each other then stick together because we can feel so easily alienated in either separate community, thus my experience with other Black aspec folks has always been pleasant because we just understand each other and our identity isn’t weird to one another. However, interacting with Black allo folks and being open about my aspec orientations has almost always just turned into me answering a million questions, trying to explain away my identities, it’s something that just “doesn’t make sense” or is “hard to understand”, so eventually I’ve just ended up not sharing my aspec orientations with other Black allo folks because it’s tiring to have to educate others all the time.
Summer: I feel as if it’s made me into an advocate by total accident. Not only does it feel like I have to constantly prove myself as an ace by being super open about it, but thats also forced others to question how sexuality and romantic preferences don’t always match.
Do you want to share any other identities that may intersect with or impact the way that your gender identity/presentation intersects with your orientation? (EG: gender, other queer identity, age, ability, etc)
Gentle Giant Ace: I think Age is a thing that sticks out the most for me in this question,I am going to be in my 30s soon so I am curious to see how that Impacts my life..
NCM: My gender is complex so I never have one true way to present myself, I’m attracted to all genders, I’m in my early 20s and some hobbies I want to partake in when I’m older such as pole dancing classes tend to contradict my statement of being aspec and also, in some ways, strengthen the notion of hypersexualising people of colour. It has become so bad that I omit the fact I am aspec to avoid the follow-up questions and comments due to how inappropriate or invalidating they are.
NJ: Other identities that intersect with my aspec orientations (in no particular order) are my being non-binary, being AFAB (which is something I embrace whilst being non-binary because it does contextualise my world and my experience in this world in a very specific way that I personally feel should not be ignored), being pansexual, being autistic, and being atheist.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon: I am neuroqueer (coined by Dr. Nick Walker, Athena Lynn Michaels-Dillon, and Dr. Remi Yergeau). As an autistic person, I do not conceptualize relationships (professional, familial, platonic, romantic, sexual, or elsewise) in the same ways allistic people and neurotypicals do. My neuroqueerness naturally shapes my relationship anarchy (coined by Andie Nordgren). I am solo-polyamorous (coined by Amy Gahran). I do not want to move-in with, get married to, or raise kids with my partners. I do not like the relationship escalator (coined by Amy Gahran). I want to live with a friend or several of my friends. I have never liked amatonormativity (coined by Dr. Elizabeth Brake), especially the social valuation of romantic relationships over platonic relationships.
I am a gay homoflexible-oriented aromantic asexual aporaflux man-adjacent person. Some people claim I am a contradiction; in reality, I am not. With fluctuations, I relate to manhood while mostly being a gender that is not a man or a woman. For me, my gayness is not ciscentric or binary. I also identify as homoflexible to honor nonbinary people who are not comfortable with or have trauma responses to being in relationships with people who exclusively identify as gay. Unfortunately, a lot of gay people have exclusionary behaviors towards nonbinary people when it comes to romance-coded and sex-coded relationships. As a nonbinary man myself, I am attracted to men and nonbinary people in nonromantic and nonsexual ways, especially experiencing alterous and aesthetic attractions.
Summer: I am a masc leaning non-binary individual and the fact that I was AFAB and still identify to my assigned birth at some level has played a large role in how I’ve been treated every since I’ve come out and also how much more I may or may not have had to fight to be accepted to be asexual. I’ve also noticed how differently I’ve been targeted by Aphobia specifically because I’m sex positive, favorable, and pro kink.
Tyger Songbird: I’m 32, so I am a bit of an older ace now.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Gentle Giant Ace: To check in on me, I am an Activist so any link to resources or a simple what’s on your mind are valuable to me…And also tipping is another thing that helps me continue my work…
Mak: I wish other aspec people especially those in countries where their existence is no longer criminalized knew that our collective battles are not yet won. Right now, Ghana’s parliament is trying to put forward a bill that will criminalize the existence of LGBTQ+ people and any attempts to ally with us. Already people are facing job losses, physical violence and being disowned by their families. If the bill passes into law, things will get much worse for us. Support for us comes in the form of speaking out. In a country where our international image means so much to those in power, the added voices of those living elsewhere could do so much for us. And it helps those of us facing these threats to know that we’re not alone.
NJ: Aspec communities can better support me by continuing to amplify the Black voices and experiences within these communities so that it doesn’t always feel like we’re a subset of the main community but that we just belong within the community.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon: I need racially conscious, culturally responsive, and trauma responsive sex education, sexual health care, and mental health care. I need more than aro ace representation, inclusion, and even more than training of care and health professionals. I need the deconstruction of amatonormativity in our legal and social systems, not just mentalities.
Shava: Being culturally sensitive in the way we discuss topics would be great. Don’t assume every ace person in your audience is from the west, has western values or can even apply the advice you’re giving. Allow for more nuanced perspectives around topics like dating, coming out, and even the definition of being ace. Also support and amplify ace voices of colour whenever you can. They can help expand our collective understanding of asexuality, and how the experience varies across multiple intersecting identities.
Summer: Accept that I exist that no matter what my views on sex are, how I dress, or talk. Accept that my experience doesn’t take away from my sexuality and acknowledge that the community has a racism problem.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other African or African diaspora aspecs?
Gentle Giant Ace: That my and fellow African diasporan voices and lives matter…We are here and our contributions to Asexual communities matter..And also,we are NOT a monolith..
NCM: I wish aspec people knew that there isn’t one single formula on how to be aspec. The colour of my skin doesn’t determine my orientation or my relevance to the aspec community.
Remi: I wish they knew that we don’t need to be white before we’re respected and added to aspec communities.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon: We are fetishized and elsewise othered horrendously. What clothes and accessories we wear, how we wear our hair, our manners of speaking, mannerisms, and other cultural expressions are oversexualized or de-sexed. As a Black aspec, Whiteness and nonBlackness more heavily forces amatonormativity on me due to racial sexual stereotypes of Blackness.
Shava: That the same intersecting identities that affect non-aces still apply to us. Sometimes it feels like the hardest parts about being ace are finding people who accept your identity and finding accepting partners (if you want a relationship). These are both valid problems, but I think non-african aces should know that the problems compound when you add other identities like being black, African, diasporic etc. Not only do we have to navigate being ace, we have to situate it within cultural contexts that often don’t make space for “alternative” styles of living or deviations from the expected norm.
Summer: That it’s important to listen to all the different voices in our community and that we’re dividing ourselves by not acknowledging different experiences.
Tyger Songbird: I wish people would understand that many African-American families hold to traditionalist views with regards to sexuality and gender, and that it can be alienating from family to come out as asexual. It is not a venture that is an easy venture at all.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other African or African diaspora aspecs?
Gentle Giant Ace: That we exist and we are not a trend or phase…We are NOT an agenda..The only agenda we have is to live unapologetically and in peace…
NCM: I wish allo people knew that even though black people are hypersexualised, that doesn’t mean we are overtly sexual. And for those aspecs who are sexual or come across as sexual, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re aspec.
Remi: I wish allo folks knew that the ‘A’ in ‘LGBTQIAP+’ represented the aromantic and asexual community. It has nothing to do with allies.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon: I am still aro ace, no matter how hot I am or how much you are attracted to me. My past and current romance-coded and sex-coded behaviors do not necessarily define my orientations. How I am perceived is independent of who I am. I am not an angelic creature just because I am ace. I do not engage in frequent sexual activity just because I am aro. Also, it is totally valid for aro and ace people to or to not engage in romance-coded and / or sex-coded behaviors, whether frequently, infrequently, or not at all. Black aspecs have a wide range of orientations, genders, expressions, behaviors, and cultures.
Summer: That asexuality is a spectrum that goes beyond the stereotypes they’ve created and trying to understand us isn’t a bad thing.
Tyger Songbird: I wish allo people would know that being black and asexual are not incompatible. I wish allo people would understand how harmful the hypersexuality of black people is to people like me. From the Jezebel myth to the Mandingo, black people are so often hypersexualized that people find it difficult to conceptualize not being sexually “wild”, including black people themselves. It ultimately strips black people of our individuality and makes us a monolithic stereotype that people like me feel immense pressure to live up to and never will live up to.
What do you wish other people of your racial or ethnic background knew about your orientation?
Gentle Giant Ace: That we play a vital role in the ever evolving spaces and culture of Asexuality…It’s not a “White thing”…
Mak: I wish allo people AND other people of my ethnic background understood asexuality and aromantism better. I know that progress can be slow but it gets so tiring to have to explain again and again that desire and attraction are two very different things. Listen to us. Do your readings. Speaking over us when you don’t fully understand the spectrum of our identities is very harmful, especially when your message is more likely to be amplified that ours.
NCM: I wish black people knew that sexual or romantic attraction is not the determiner for a relationship. There are other ways for me to love and although they aren’t common or widely known, these feelings I experience are very real and prominent to me. I wish they also knew that being in a relationship is not a milestone everyone wants or needs to achieve.
NJ: I wish that other people of my ethnic background (especially those from my country/region) knew that being aspec does not make us any less successful in life. I feel as though within my ethnic group, we have specific ideas of success: owning a nice car, a big house, having a heterosexual nuclear family, being a God-fearing Christian, etc… and identifying as aspec almost always comes as a shock like “well now how will you find love and get married and have a family?” as if that is the only benchmark of success for a Black person. I want the narrative to change, so that young Black folks like myself can understand that success comes in many shapes and forms.
Remi: I wish they knew that any member of the queer community is just as deserving of human dignity and rights as cishet allo folks.
Rosen Turquoise Gordon: Amatonormativity stems from White colonialism. Historically and in contemporary times, Blackness is a collective culture. We have social relationships that value community and deviate from hyperindividualistic, capitalistic conceptualizations of our relationships. African and African descendant people have been what we call today aromantic, asexual, gay, polyamorous, and more orientations. African and African descendant people are the original representations of queerplatonic, quasiplatonic, and polyamorous relationships. Relationship anarchy is embedded in our cultures.
Shava: That we exist, that we came to these decisions ourselves and not because we are trying to be “white” and that we have, are and will always be ace.
Summer: My sexuality has nothing to do with religion or saving myself for someone special. When I say I don’t understand sexual attraction I’m not joking or trying to run away from the topic of sex and marriage, and that sexless relationships matter just as much as those that involves sex.
Tyger Songbird: I was called an Oreo as a kid I didn’t act black. Because I wasn’t trying to sex anyone, as I felt no inclination to, people said I didn’t act black enough, and I felt estranged to my black identity, uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish black people would know that black aro-aces like me existed, so that we could have a seat of discussion in terms of what it means to be black. We are told from church that we have to be straight & abstinent until marriage. Then we are taught by culture and church that to be an adult is to be sexual and have sex, even if we don’t wish to do so. Then we are taught that being LGBTQIA+ is an abomination. I found accepting myself being black a very difficult factor, of this.