In honor of the International Asexuality Day, April 6, we are sharing more responses from those who identify as sex-repulsed or -averse.
Being sex-repulsed or -averse is extremely individualized, but for a primer on how it can manifest, check out our guide here.
Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Alyssa – I am aromantic and asexual!
Amaranthe Rae – Aspec identity: Polyromantic gray-asexual Note: I use “zedromantic” and “zedsexual” because I don’t use “allosexual.” This is because 1) the coiner of “allosexual” has disavowed it because it originally meant “a person who experiences sexual attraction,” so that would include demisexual and gray-A people, and as such not be an appropriate term for non-asexual people and 2) “allosexual” is a false cognate of the Quebecois word for “queer” and I want to avert confusion.
Daniel (they/them) – I identify as demiromantic asexual. Despite my masculine name (which I keep for personal reasons) I am nonbinary and more agender-aligned than anything else. I do not identify as bi or pan; my labels are intentionally gender-neutral regardless of my orientation.
Dime – aegosexual
Fiorella (she/her) and I identify as ace, as for romantic orientation, that’s really a mystery.
KC – I am a sex-repulsed aromantic asexual person.
Mari – Aspec identities: greyromantic asexual. Sex averse and sex repulsed ace. Non-libidoist ace.
Nicky and I identify as an aroflux asexual 🙂
Tyger Songbird: aromantic asexual
Vivi – aegosexual
Questions
How do you define your feelings towards sex?
Alyssa: I’m sex-averse. I do not wish to have sex and actually wish to avoid it. My feelings towards sex could change in the future, but as of now, I am averse to having sex. I’d also say I am mildly sex-repulsed. Nonetheless, I am sex-positive and believe that people should be free to have as much or as little consensual sex as they wish.
Amaranthe Rae: In general, my gut reaction to sex is to be disgusted. I have to mentally steel myself for sexual content before I can enjoy a sex joke, read fiction with sexual content, etc. or I will automatically recoil.
Daniel: I want nothing to do with it. I wish I could go about my life without constantly being reminded of it by peers and by society at large. Explicit descriptions or imagery are triggering for me, even in academic contexts (though my repulsion and aversion is not a trauma response). I understand it’s a biological need for most people and indeed most living things that reproduce sexually, but it’s not so essential or inherent that an individual is less than for not associating with it whatsoever, whether for reproduction or recreation.
Dime: I “get” the concept of it but I have absolutely no desire to involve myself in and with it. I see its merit for fictional content but I grapple with finding myself comfortable seeing it in live-action media, like any movie or series with a “gratuitous” sex scene. It’s not the common “seeing it with someone else in the room is uncomfortable”, it’s just a deep-seated feeling of “This does not add anything for my experience of the story you are telling, I don’t want or need to see this”.
That, added to the complexities of not knowing/knowing what went on behind the scenes to bring that footage to the screen, just does not sit well with me at all.
Fiorella: I never felt interested or attracted to the idea of sex, but I remember that even when I was a teen, unsure of my orientation, when the topic of sex came up I felt something akin to disgust. Think of something that grosses you out, and that’s probably how I felt about sex. Currently, I still feel like that most of the time, I would really rather not to be talked to about sex in any explicit ways, but my tolerance has changed, and I’m less easily repulsed by it than I used to be; there’s even times I may feel neutral instead, but those are only on some occasions.
KC: I would define my feelings towards sex as pretty negative. I cannot imagine myself participating in sex without feeling like throwing up. When I was in my one and only relationship- I would get very bored while doing it, and would instead look forward to other activities like cooking together or studying together in the same room. Lately, I cannot even imagine other people having sex- just the thought of that disgusts me. Recently, I came across a used condom thrown in the toilet bin by my flatmate. I know that he has a long-term girlfriend, but the knowledge that they were having sex a few metres away for me really affected me negatively. I also recently came to know that people go to clubs with having sex with someone as motivation- I used to think it only happened in movies. That also made me a bit disgusted.
Mari: Ever since I hit puberty I started feeling repulsed about depiction of sex. I can tolerate sex described in writing. I have problems with sex scenes described in audio format and depicted in graphic or video format. I never watch porn.
Thinking about joining sexual activities makes me uncomfortable.
I’ve always been sex positive about other people’s sex lives, though.
After I started joining queer associations, which talk a lot about sex health, I became better at talking about sex in a more scientific way. That is easier to do for me, because it’s “objective” rather than “subjective”.
Nicky: I’m sex-positive when it comes to other people’s decision to have consensual and safe sex but for myself, I am very sex-repulsed and even the idea of myself engaging in any sexual acts makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Tyger Songbird: Growing up, society always made it seem that sex is the greatest thing in the world, everyone biggest fantasy. For me, sex is my greatest nightmare. If someone were to ever try to initiate sex with me, I would instantly panic and disorientate from the anxiety. I am all good with people having sex, provided all parties consent. I am not disgusted by other people having sex. It’s that I hope to never be put into any situations involving sex.. Sex is something that’s always off the table for me. My stomach turns in nausea when sex is brought up in discussion. Saying you want to have sex with me would be the worst thing you could say to me. You would be threatening to rape me at that point.
Vivi: I forget that sex exists until someone brings it up or I see it represented in media in some form. I can read smut scenes in stories, but it feels fictional to me. Since it’s something that doesn’t exist for me in my real life, I feel weird when other people talk about their own sexual attraction or experiences. I can generally discuss sexual topics in a theoretical, impersonal way, but I feel very inadequate when it gets personal, since I’m so detached from it. I’m generally happier when sex is not brought up at all.
How does being sex-repulsed or -averse intersect with being ace for you?
Alyssa: Because of the way our society views sex, I’d say I was raised to be sex-averse. Not being allosexual simply precluded me from feelings of sexual attraction and, as I have a relatively low libido, feelings of wanting to have sex. In short, because I am ace, my feelings towards sex just didn’t change from when I was younger.
Amaranthe Rae: I’m positive that I’m sex-repulsed because I am gray-asexual. A lot of my repulsion comes from a place of fear of compulsory sexuality, which I wouldn’t find so threatening if I were zedsexual.
Daniel: Since I want nothing to do with sex, my attraction towards anyone isn’t going to have a sexual component to it. Again, pretty straightforward, however I’m aware that aegosexual people are fine with being an observer and simply repulsed by the idea of being a participant.
Dime: It helps me know what I reap out of the concept. For example, in fiction, I can sweep a lot of things under “Yeah, definitely not doing THAT” and depending on the media, I can even come to a conclusion that what is being done or described in detail is, indeed, pleasurable.
I understand the sentiment but even considering the act of replicating what those are is extremely excruciating for me. I do not want, and will never want, any of that for myself.
Fiorella: To me it made sense, it was one of the things that made it more clear that I’m ace. Not only did I not feel sexual attraction (which is not necessarily linked to being ace), in my experience, it does feel like it has at least some relevance.
KC: I think of my identity as asexual first, then aromantic, and only then, sex-repulsed. It does not come up in my day-to-day conversations, so the only time I need to think of it as separate from my asexual identity is when people actively mention it. Most of the time I do not think of being sex repulsed.
Mari: It made it easy to understand I’m ace vs for example sex favorable or sex indifferent aces, probably. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m a living ace stereotype…
Nicky: During self-reflection, I often think about how my libido affects me identifying as ace, and I can’t really come to a conclusion as to if it has a strong bearing on my identity or not. I do not have a libido, but I don’t know if that is why I am ace as I’ve never experienced “being horny.” so it’s impossible to know what you’re missing. It’s like a person blind from birth being asked to explain what sight is like. So for me, it almost always comes up in my self-reflection, and most people assume that I do not have a libido because I identify as ace. Interestingly, a few of my friends found it impossible that I do not have a libido, and they are the more sexually positive and inclined people I know, which was nice as they completely accepted and understood my asexuality without linking it to libido and assumed I did have one in turn.
Tyger Songbird: They both work in tandem, I feel. For me, the fact I just have no interest in sex just feeds into my feelings of disgust with sex.
Vivi: I get the impression that sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces are more often seen as this negative stereotype that aphobes have of the aro and ace community in general (that we’re just incels, that no one is attracted to us anyway, etc.)
How is your experience in ace communities impacted by being sex-repulsed or -averse?
Alyssa: Many other aces I have met, either in real life or in online ace communities, are either sex-repulsed or sex-averse, so my experience has not been significantly impacted by my being sex-averse. Also, the ace community as a whole has a wide variety of feelings towards sex, from sex-favorable to sex-repulsed, so I’d say ace communities are pretty accepting regardless of people’s personal feelings towards having sex.
Amaranthe Rae: Ace communities have mostly been fairly accepting, but even other aspec people have called repulsion immature or told me I would/needed to get over it. Other aspec people have also invoked respectability politics, essentially telling me “Being repulsed looks weird to the zedsexuals, so don’t talk about that because then they won’t accept us!” That kind of thing sucked to hear and was particularly painful to hear from other aspec people.
Daniel: It’s been refreshing hearing from others who are just as repulsed and averse as I am, who likewise wish we could just ignore or forget long-term that sex was a thing people did. Ironically, however, getting to know aces who are not repulsed or averse has also helped me be more comfortable with the idea that it’s a thing people do and value. It’s allowed me to have mature, non-explicit conversations about the topic with both aces and allos. For example, I’m okay discussing topics like sexual orientations, sexual health, and sex ed.
Dime: I have to admit I am not an active participant in ace communities as much as I’d like to be. But from what little I see of it, I feel a mix of validation and the regrettably unavoidable gatekeeping of sorts.
We call our identity a spectrum, not a point. To not be fully repulsed does not equate to “just” averse. To be averse does not equate to “just shy of”. To be favorable does not equate to not being ace. We can do better by being more understanding of each other.
Fiorella: My experience when I started getting into the community was really pleasant! I never really did feel discriminated against by my ace peers, nor do I think I was held in higher regard for being sex-repulsed. I could easily relate to most memes about not wanting sex, preferring food, the classics. It did surprise me to find out at some point about the, let’s say, animosities between some sex-repulsed and sex-favorable aces, since so far it had been mostly nice for me. No ace is the same, and not all the experiences will coincide, but it’s a shame that there’s arguments about it.
KC: Most of the asexual people around me are also sex-repulsed or sex-aversed, so I don’t think it has had too much of an impact- whether positively or negatively. It just doesn’t come up in my ace circles usually.
Mari: There are many aces like me. The ace community offers a safe space where I can say I am sex repulsed and sex averse without fear of judgement or people trying to convince me to “at least try it once”.
Nicky: I often feel quite excluded form ace spaces as I’m very supportive of safe sex between consenting individuals but I would never go near it myself. Because of that, I often find it difficult to be in ace communities as there’s a lot of discussion about the act of sex as an ace person and how action does not equal attraction. That’s true, but does not apply to me and I would like the opposite to be remembered too.
Tyger Songbird: Oftentimes, I feel that we as an ace community are hyperfocused on trying to appease the outside allonormative world to such an extent that we alienate sex-repulsed & sex-averse people like me. We often say “Asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction,” and then we add the caveat of “But aces can still have sex!” When we as a community say that, I feel on the outside, as if who I am doesn’t matter or doesn’t count. It is like saying sex-repulsed aces don’t exist or aren’t significant to count. I care to be heard and have my experiences validated.
There are sex-repulsed aces, and we aren’t here to drag down the asexual community. We are living our experiences out. We just need to stop caring so much to appear as “cool” by the mainstream.
Vivi: In the past, it was difficult for me to connect with fellow aces. I thought there was something wrong with me after all, since a lot of aces are sexually active or have a positive disposition to sex. Nowadays it doesn’t affect me.
Does being sex-repulsed or -averse impact your intimate (romantic, sexual, both or neither) relationships? How so?
Alyssa: I’m not in any romantic or sexual relationships, but being slightly sex-repulsed sometimes comes up in my friendships because I find it difficult to listen to stories involving graphic sexual experiences or even some dirty jokes.
Amaranthe Rae: It impacts my romantic relationships, but not much. If there were such a thing as demirepulsed, that’d be me; I am de facto repulsed until I am emotionally comfortable with a romantic partner, at which point I am no longer repulsed by the idea of sexual contact with them. Once I have chosen to have a sexual relationship with someone, I’m no longer repulsed by the idea of sex with them, so my repulsion hasn’t affected my sexual relationships.
Daniel: I haven’t been in an intimate relationship yet. I’m sure I’m going to have a hard time as any and all sexual activity is non-negotiably off-limits for me. Any physical affection I desire is going to be non-sexual for me. This is something I will always be upfront about.
Fiorella: I have never had a romantic and/or sexual relationship. I straight-up don’t want a sexual relationship, at least not right now, and I’m pretty firm on that, but I do feel interested in romantic relationships, which makes me worried I won’t be able to find due to my strict stance over not having sex. It’s just something I don’t think I could compromise on and would make having an allo partner complicated, greatly lowering my chances of being in a romantic relationship. Platonic relationships weren’t really in the question, but I would like to add that it does affect them, even if only to a small degree. With some acquaintances, mostly when I went to high school, it seemed very common to share about sexual experiences, like I have heard some details I would probably have been fine never knowing, and I just can’t react that well to those, which in turn makes things a bit… weird. I’d fear they think they can’t tell me things because of my sex-repulsion, you know? Or that they’ll think I’m weird, etc. It can make conversations very awkward when people just assume you’ll be fine hearing about sex, but then think it’s weird when you say you don’t!
KC: I am aromantic, so being sex-repulsed does not affect my intimate relationships, as I don’t have any. With close allo friends, as long as I do not know that they are having sex, I am completely okay. Even if I know that some people have partners, I never think of them as sexual partners; my brain just blocks any part of that. That’s why coming across evidence of sexual activity from my close friends always shocks me.
Mari: No. I don’t want relationships where sexual activities are involved.
Nicky: My sex repulsion was actually the reason my allo ex ended our relationship as after 2 years of being very understanding and patient with me and my boundaries, they eventually realised that they would not be comfortable continuing a relationship with someone who did not experience sexual attraction (and not just the act of not having sex) Moving forward from that, I’m now very skeptical of people who say they are supportive of sex-repulsed or -averse people as not only can opinions change, but I feel like those who are not either of those don’t actually understand what it means and how much that can affect people.
Tyger Songbird: I don’t have any intimate relationships by definition. All of my relationships are platonic. It does get complicated with them, since none of my in real life friends are asexual. We are on a different page, so to speak. Now, while they love sex and have sex in their life, they don’t make me feel shame over it. I am just ostracized from their conversations, often.
Vivi: I don’t have romantic or sexual relationships. My friendships are kind of limited by my sex aversion though. I tend to keep my friend circle small, and they rarely talk about their sex lives. Whenever other people (i.e. coworkers) discuss sexual topics I feel extremely uncomfortable, even more so when I’m directly asked to participate in the conversation.
How can ace communities best support you?
Amaranthe Rae: Please don’t engage in respectability politics with regard to repulsion seeming immature, off-putting, etc. to zedsexual people. Sex-repulsed asexuals are part of the aspec community, and it’s important to discuss our experiences, not hide them for the sake of not looking weird.
Daniel: I speak only for myself, but in all communities I strongly prefer SFW spaces, and if that’s not possible, all I ask is that people tag NSFW/18+ content appropriately. If it’s not appropriate content to be seen by a minor, it’s not appropriate for me either.
Fiorella: Honestly? I’m just happy being able to share experiences with fellow aces and not be demeaned for them. I’d like for the ace communities to be able to understand different experiences, acknowledge them, and share their own, without need to feel ashamed.
KC: By recognising that being ace is a big, big umbrella! My experiences as an ace might be completely different from another ace person. The biggest support is being vocal and being seen. At pride events, I used to see barely any ace flags, but now there are often many! That’s how you spread the word to questioning people- that yes, there is a term for what you are feeling. You are not broken, you are not alone.
Mari: Always include sex repulsed and sex averse aces when they talk about the community. Before tackling topics about sex, ask if we’re ok.
Tyger Songbird: Beyond just gaining more visibility, I just think that we as a community can best support each other by realizing and celebrating our multivarious experiences in the community. I am not only sex-repulsed, but I am also black and live in the Bible Belt.
There are so many expectations placed on my head just from being placed into both contexts. There is bereft support with regards to aces who aren’t in places like the UK or in large metropolitan areas. We often don’t talk about the pressure of being born asexual and placed into purity culture in churches, where there is immense societal pressure to be married and have children. No one was talking about asexuality in my hometown. The fact there wasn’t any outreach to my area of the Bible Belt where I call home made it harder to discover asexuality and ultimately myself.
Asexuality seems like more of an distant and inaccessible sexual orientation to be when it’s never talked about. So, I feel we need to create more of a community in small towns like where I grew up for that kid like me who grew up searching for the answer as to who he was but couldn’t discover the answer because no one was saying the word asexuality.
Vivi: I guess as long as we all communicate clearly and respect each other’s boundaries that’s good enough for me.
What do you wish ace people knew about you or other ace sex-repulsed or -averse people?
Alyssa: There is a difference between sex repulsion, sex aversion, and sex negativity. Sex repulsion is a person’s personal feelings about themself having sex, such as a person feeling repulsed at the thought of themself being involved in a sexual experience. Sex negativity is a person’s feelings towards sex as a whole, including how other people have sex, and it can involve shaming people for having sex or feeling that any type of sex other than heterosexual, “vanilla” sex is deviant or wrong.
Amaranthe Rae: Sex repulsion is not something that needs to be fixed. Also, sex repulsion can change over time, and that doesn’t mean that any of the feelings of repulsion weren’t valid.
Dime: I identify as aegosexual so I have no problem with sexual content in specific contexts – “specific” being the key word here. My aversion from the act of it does not make me less ace when I choose to read about it.
Fiorella: Maybe that I’m aware that there’s different types of aces, and I respect them, but that we shouldn’t be made to not share our experiences as sex-repulsed only because they may be less palatable for allos.
KC: Just because I make a lot of sex-related jokes does not mean I am actually thinking of the acts! In fact, I make way more sex jokes and double entendres than my allo friends precisely because it doesn’t affect me.
Mari: I’m not an elitist (some sex averse people think they’re better than sex indifferent or sex favorable aces).
All aces are great and amazing!
Tyger Songbird: I wish the sex-positive and sex-indifferent people that always try to score cool points with the outside world would realize the pain they bring to us sex-repulsed aces when they don’t use inclusive language. A simple acknowledgement of sex-repulsed aces and a simple “some aces are sex-repulsed and don’t want to have sex at all” really goes a long way. It takes the pressure off us from feeling like we have to conform to some “unassailable” asexuality that is ultimately ridiculous in concept, and it just allows us to exist as ourselves.
Vivi: That being sex-averse doesn’t mean we’re against their right to have sex if they wish to do so, that we’ll support their rights and stand with them regardless.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other ace sex-repulsed or -averse people?
Alyssa: Being a sex-repulsed or -averse asexual person does not equal sex negativity. Aces, no matter their personal feelings and decisions about having sex, can be sex-positive, and many are!
Amaranthe Rae: Again, sex repulsion is not something that needs to be fixed. It is not immature, a sign of being a “late bloomer,” or something that is likely to be grown out of. It is also not an indicator that a person is not actually asexual (I’ve gotten this one; I’ve been told that if I could get over my discomfort with sex, I would realize that I’m actually not asexual). If you are a zedsexual person with a romantic partner who is a sex-repulsed asexual person, your partner’s sex repulsion isn’t personal, your fault, or a sign that your partner doesn’t love you. Also, sex repulsion is not inherently unhealthy; even if an asexual sex-repulsed person is caedsexual and sex-repulsed due to trauma, their identity is valid. Finally, sex repusion has nothing to do with sex positivity or sex neutrality.
Daniel: Our repulsion or aversion isn’t necessarily a trauma response. Some of us just want nothing to do with it the same way not everyone is into sports, cooking, technology, or pop culture.
Dime: There is nothing wrong with how I set my boundaries regarding sex. It does not make me any less ace to find enjoyment in seeing art of it or reading it.
Fiorella: That not wanting sex isn’t an anomaly, that they don’t have to fix us. For me specifically, I’d want them to know that being sex-repulsed doesn’t mean I’m a prude, that I’m going to start telling everyone to stop having sex. You do you, have fun! I just would rather not know the details.
KC: That we get uncomfortable knowing intimate details about our friends’ sex lives. We get uncomfortable towards locker-room talk because we cannot relate, and sometimes the talk can make us feel inadequate and immature. That doesn’t mean you have to completely stop with that talk around us, but maybe limit it.
Mari: We’re not childish just because we’re sex repulsed. Also allo people can be sex repulsed.
Nicky: If you are willing to be with someone who is ace, please do everything you can to understand their boundaries in regards to sex no matter if they’re positive/averse/repulsed etc. Some aces are repulsed by the concept and this doesn’t detract or devalue any attraction you may have towards them. I would say, ask yourself if you would be comfortable being in a relationship with someone who is not sexually attracted to you. This is very different from them (not) wanting to have sex with you as sex without attraction does exist. I think you’ll find it’s actually a very important thing to consider.
Tyger Songbird: That being sex-repulsed and asexual is not an indictment on you as a person. My sex-repulsion is not a value statement of any kind towards anybody. It is not finding humans as gross. It is not saying that I am disgusted by you. It is simply all about me and my desire to never engage in sex and never be placed in situations involving sex. That is all.
Vivi: I think every allo person can think of someone they can’t possibly imagine being sexually attracted to, ever, and just having to imagine being near their naked body makes them want to run away. I want them to know that that’s how we sex-averse people feel about *everyone*. It’s not an opinion nor a political stance, nor something we can toggle on and off.