Queer is often used as an umbrella label for the LGBTQIA2+ community. But some people within the community don’t identify with the label “queer” for various reasons, and that includes ace and aro people.
This Pride Month we wanted to highlight the experiences of those who are aro or ace and do not identify as queer, as Pride is for them as well! Thanks to all of our contributors.
Introductions
Andrea – I identify as asexual and am in a straight relationship. I don’t feel right calling myself queer, and most of the time I feel like I don’t belong in the LGBT+ community, or that I’m trying too hard to belong. I’m also gender-questioning at the moment.
C – heteroromantic asexual
Eel – Aromantic heterosexual
J.D. – I am asexual, straight, and essentially grayromantic.
Nicole – I’m a non-queer ace, aegosexual
Paradigm – My name is Paradigm Dreamspace. I am AroAce.
River – I’m aromantic asexual.
Sparrow (they/them) – I’m grey-ace.
Stan – Hetero-romantic grey-ace
Questions
Please share why you don’t identify as queer and/or with the queer community and if there’s another label you’d like aspec communities to use that would be more inclusive.
Andrea: My sexuality is pretty invisible, and only really affects those that I’m extremely close to, so most would assume I’m just a straight allo. I associate the word queer with being not straight and/or not cisgender, and at the moment I don’t feel I meet those criteria.
C: I don’t identify with the queer community because I consider myself to be heteroromantic meaning, while I don’t experience sexual attraction, I have only felt romantic attraction towards men. There is a lot of discrimination and even violence that queer people face just because of who they love or want to sleep with and that is something I will likely never experience since I still pass as heterosexual. I also believe aspec people have our own unique sets of problems and experiences that LGBTQ and cishet people both usually struggle to understand which is why I feel most comfortable just identifying with the Ace community.
Eel: Growing up, I only heard and learned the word “queer” as a slur, or at best a derogatory synonym for “weird.” I don’t think I’ll ever lose those negative associations entirely, feel comfortable having it applied to me, or even feel safe using it for myself. While I recognise that it’s a simple and large umbrella, I’ve barely started becoming accustomed to using it in general. I didn’t even know it was an academic term (i.e. queer theory) until a couple years ago. On top of all that, I’m straight and I don’t love, so I don’t feel very welcomed in the community.
I don’t know if there’s a term I’d prefer. I’m not sure this could actually be solved by coming up with a new term.
J.D.: I do not identify as queer, as I believe that the queer label was meant for those who are gay, bi, trans, pan, enby, etc., and not for aces. Queerness is feeling a different kind of attraction then straightness, while asexuality is the lack of attraction. It’s the equivalent to how atheists are not religious.
Nicole: I define queer as gender non-conforming, and I’m pretty conforming. Outside of being ace, I’m the typical female, with a typical female lifestyle. I still feel physically and aesthetically attracted to the opposite sex. I’m straight, basically. I know no one in the LGBTQIA+ community isn’t “queer enough,” but I believe that I don’t need any labels if I don’t want to, if I’m not comfortable with it.
Paradigm: As someone who is basically 100% aromantic and asexual, identifying as Queer feels really weird. The Pride movements are all about loving who you want to love and it feel like there’s a spectrum of love from male to female and I am just not on it. I’m not somewhere in between, I just don’t participate.
River: As far as I know, a queer person is usually a man of female behavior and vice versa. I don’t identify with it because I’m an ordinary woman with feminine pronouns who behaves like one.
Sparrow: The word “queer” has negative connotations to me and I don’t see myself in a negative way, so for me, choosing not to label myself as “queer” is an act of self love. I still feel part of the LGBTQ+ community (I’m nonbinary and gay also) and I think LGBTQ+ is more inclusive as many still consider “queer” a slur also and feel excluded when it’s used as an umbrella term for all LGBT+ people.
Stan: Mostly because for me, it hasn’t been a defining feature of my life. I don’t identify as queer because I don’t make it a part of my identity. Sexuality can be an important defining feature for many that are sexual, but the lack thereof is just something that I gloss over until it becomes relevant.
How does not being queer and/or not identifying with the queer community intersect with being aspec for you?
Andrea: It makes me feel a bit alone, like I’m on the outside looking in. Wishing I could be a bigger part of the community, that I could fit in more. A lot of the time I find myself wishing my romantic preferences could be different. I almost feel like just an enthusiastic ally, as I love to learn about the community online and I sometimes find myself informing others when they have questions or make assumptions.
Eel: I don’t view my aromanticism or my ways of relating or my life choices or my acts of resistance against oppressive structures as queer. I don’t even view my disidentification with gender as queer. I know that lots of people do or would claim queerness for those reasons, but I don’t relate to these experiences or the feeling of queer pride. I’m just me.
River: I never really thought about it. I’ve always been simply aroace
Stan: Doesn’t really. mostly they run parallel if anything for me.
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by not being queer and/or not identifying with the queer community?
Andrea: I don’t think I have a lot of experience in specifically aspec communities, so I can’t say.
C: Sometimes it has been a challenge being so much of an outlier that you don’t really have a place on either side. I could easily pass as just being straight but I’m not. Being asexual has had a huge impact on my self-worth and romantic life. Sometimes I feel like an alien who will never experience something that everyone else considers to be a basic human “need”. Being ace can be complicated because it is very hard to find a safe space besides the internet. Any attempt at telling others, whether they be cishet or LGBTQ is just met with confusion, disbelief and lots of questions. I know queer people have safe spaces to avoid that kind of scrutiny. But the population of people who are aware they are aspec is so small, that doesn’t really exist for us so I just stick to getting my support and understanding through online communities.
Eel: I feel kind of alone in it. It seems like aroallos are a minority in aspec communities, aromantic heterosexuals are a very small portion of that minority, and aspecs have other LGBTQ+ identities more often than not, so that already makes me feel like an outsider. And it also seems like most aspecs view their aspec identities as queer, which is completely justified but not something I can relate to.
J.D.: The aspec community has been completely accepting of me. My lack of queerness has not impacted my standing in the community.
Nicole: Sometimes I feel isolated; it’s as if everyone I encounter in the community identifies as queer, and suddenly I’d have this feeling that I might not be ace. But at the end of the day, it really doesn’t bother me much. Our identity should only be defined by ourselves. Not identifying as queer doesn’t make me any less ace.
Paradigm: Not labeling myself Queer hasn’t really made me feel outside of the communities, rather it’s feeling outside of the communities that makes me not want to label myself. I’m accepted as AroAce, I’m understood as AroAce, but we aren’t fighting the same battles.
River: No one has ever got problems with me by not being queer in the community, actually no one has ever asked me that
Sparrow: Truthfully, I don’t really take part in aspec communities because I’m put off by people who use blanket statements like “aces are queer” and “if you’re ace then you’re queer” because that is not true for me, and it kind of stings to see it a lot.
Stan: See above, not too much interaction in aspec communities
How is your experience with other non-queer people impacted by being aspec?
Andrea: It feels hard to belong in any one place because I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. So I feel like non-queer people (assuming this means straight, cis people) would find me unlike them, or weird, in a lot of ways.
C: If I were homoromantic, panromantic, biromantic etc. I would definitely identify with the queer community and there are plenty of aspecs who do. Besides a few online discussion threads I’ve been on with other aspecs about our opinions on our place (or lack thereof) in the LGBTQ community, not identifying as queer hasn’t really impacted my experience in aspec communities.
I kind of get the same reaction regardless of whether the person I am talking to is queer or not. Most people don’t really believe it because they can’t fathom not experiencing sexual attraction at all.
Eel: There is a significant disconnect in relating. My orientation is invisible and I have the choice to not come out if it’s more convenient, but I stand out anyway. They see me as like and yet unlike them in a way they perceive as “wrong,” maybe even a threat to the social order. A lot of that is amatonormativity, sex shaming, and singlism. I don’t fit in with cishet alloroses, but I don’t feel like I fit in with the queer community either. I exist in a liminal space that feels not unlike the way I’m mixed race and feel like an outsider among others of either of my backgrounds.
J.D.: It is difficult for others to understand my identity, due to the lack of asexual awareness. It can be difficult to articulate my feelings to allos.
Nicole: If by non-queer you mean heterosexuals, well–when I came out to my hetero friends, I got some uncomfortable questions, which I had expected. I’m lucky that they accepted me without judgment, and that they tried to learn and understand my identity. As for my experience with other non-queers, it is hard not to feel alienated. Everyone’s getting into relationships and hookups, and all of them probably think I’m just a prude nerd. But honestly, I couldn’t care less.
River: Since when I discovered that I’m part of a community of other people like me, it was enough to make me understand that there is a lot of confusion about this aspec even in the community itself and it’s not easy to be understood by others.
Sparrow: I don’t think it is. I’m not aromantic but I’ve chosen to not seek relationships for other reasons, so it never really comes up.
Stan: Generally welcoming. I really associate only with the accepting types anyway. If people refuse to accept me I mostly just write them off. I don’t have enough time in my life to worry about every interaction with people that aren’t accepting of me.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Andrea: Again, don’t have much previous experience with aspec communities. But maybe not placing so much importance on total sex repulsion in order to be ace. I personally believe that asexuality is first and foremost about lack of sexual attraction, and that ace people can have many different feelings towards sex.
C: They’ve already been doing a great job by just existing! It helps me to feel like I’m not alone and there are others who understand on some level my experience.
Eel: This is just broadly needed, but more inclusion and representation of diverse perspectives in the community, less generalisations of aspec experiences, and no gatekeeping. I think those fundamentals would go a long way.
J.D.: By fighting the good fight, and maintaining our strong community.
River: A huge support for me would be / was the sharing of experiences, how it feels to live with this aspec, the relationships with other people, the knowledge in the field in general
Sparrow: By not using blanket statements such as “all aces are queer” etc. There are better ways to make us feel like we belong in LGBTQ+ communities than by pinning a label on people who may not want it.
Stan: Really unsure. I don’t feel the need to be supported particularly much more by the aspec community?
Do you want queer communities to better support you, and if so, how?
Andrea: I definitely think that if I brought up feelings of being excluded to my queer friends they would all console me and try to make me feel included because they care about me, so I don’t think so. The only thing I can remember that has hurt me in the community is the “Ace discourse” from Tumblr a long time ago, where it was a discussion topic of whether or not we belonged in the LGBTQ+ community. I think this is where I first started worrying about not belonging anywhere.
C: Yes, I would like if asexuality was more well-known in the queer community. I’m really shocked when I still find people who have never even heard of asexuality. It would be nice if people educated themselves enough to at least know about asexuality and accept that it exists so you’re not constantly having your identity questioned and doubted.
Eel: Excise amatonormativity and respectability politics. Less focus on queer love as either being what binds the community together or what makes us more “palatable” or “relatable” to our oppressors.
J.D.: My only request is for queer folks to continue treating aspecs with the respect and dignity that everyone deserves.
River: No, I don’t. It’s not necessary for me
Sparrow: What I want most from queer people is understanding and acceptance that not everybody who can fit under the queer umbrella wants to reclaim that word. It’s OK to reclaim if you choose, but also OK for someone to choose not to.
Stan: Again, unsure. I feel like i’m fine mostly. maybe a little under-represented but proportionally to the queer community at large?
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other non-queer aspecs?
Andrea: This is more towards the whole LGBTQ+ community, but I feel like I’m trying too hard to be a part of the community, since asexuality is (so far) the only LGBTQ+ part of me. It’s a constant struggle in my brain, I’m questioning so many things about myself at all times and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere because of it.
C: I guess that not every aspec person wants to be in a polyamorous relationship to appease allo partners lol. It’s just every time I see a post on a group where someone talks about struggles they’re having in their relationship due to being an ace with an allosexual partner, the first thing people jump to say is to open the relationship. That may work for some, but some people cherish being in a monogamous relationship, so as a community we should come up with more solutions and resources to help deal with these kinds of struggles.
Eel: Saying that aromanticism and asexuality are inherently queer… isn’t untrue, because it goes against allo- and amatonormativity, but it doesn’t feel great to hear. I don’t see myself that way for being aromantic. I don’t identify with that and don’t want it projected onto me.
J.D.: That we are the same as any other aspec. We just use a slightly different label.
Nicole: Like I mentioned–that not being queer doesn’t make us any less ace. We don’t need a label if we don’t fit in with the label.
River: Nothing, they’re okay. At least for what I’ve seen until now
Sparrow: That we are only queer if we want to identify as such, and not inherently queer because we are ace. That using “queer” as a blanket term isn’t as welcoming or inclusive as intended to be.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other non-queer aspecs?
Andrea: (I think the following might be off-topic and more about my asexuality in general, sorry.)
It’s taking me such a long time to come to terms with my sexuality, and I still have doubts every single day. Being in a relationship constantly makes me question myself and if I’m still right about how I identify. I am always trying to remind myself that not experiencing sexual attraction and still partaking in sex does not make me any less valid as an asexual.
I personally hate how society, media, etc. is very much focused on sex. I struggle with having a female body, and hate how other people might see or think of me in a way I don’t want them to. My feelings this way also create a lot of stress in my relationship with an allo person, as their totally normal sexual feelings or advances often make me uncomfortable and end up giving me negative feelings towards them.
C: Mostly that we exist and also, if you are interested in an asexual person and you want to try to be in a monogamous relationship with them, please don’t go in with the mindset that maybe you can someday “change their mind”. There are sex positive aces, but especially for sex repulsed aces, please reflect on what life would be like for you without sex and whether that is something you are REALLY ready to commit to. It would help save a lot of aces from a lot of heartbreak.
Eel: We’re not “just like you.” We still don’t conform to your norms. And just because we don’t identify as queer doesn’t mean you can break our solidarity with community movements.
J.D.: That sex is not essential to a happy and fulfilling life, and that asexuality is not damaging aspec’s well-being.
Nicole: I direct this to allos in particular: We don’t need to find the right person to overcome our lack of sexual attraction. Yes, we might change–it is not impossible–but we don’t look for a relationship because we want to suddenly experience sexual attraction.
River: That our aspec is as good as theirs, I’ve seen some people invalidate us as non-queer. That we’re normal, we’re not confused, we’re not crazy’ we’re not sick. It’s a type of sexuality and is valid the same of the others, it’s okay to don’t be attracted to anyone. We’ll shine even if alone <3
Sparrow: I’m just a person. I’m not damaged, and being grey-ace isn’t a major part of my identity. I don’t think about it much, because the absense of sexual attraction is normal to me. I just don’t look at people and feel sex appeal, and that’s OK.
How do you show pride?
Andrea: I went to my first pride festival this year, and I had a great time. I love repping with rainbows as they feel very inclusive and all-encompassing. I feel pride for my LGBTQ+ friends and try to do whatever I can to support their rights.
C: Sometimes I go to pride with my LGBTQ friends to support them but I’m not out to most people as asexual yet so I don’t really show pride. Hopefully someday I’ll get to that place but I’m still insecure about my asexuality and I’m not in the mood for the questions and responses I’m likely to get.
Eel: By shoehorning aromanticism into conversations with cishet alloroses!
Nicole: I’ve written a book with an ace protagonist. If all goes well, it will be published in a few years.
Paradigm: I have decided, though, that keeping in contact with the communities and staying visible as AroAce has been beneficial. Knowing that I could show someone another option, that they don’t HAVE to find love or have sex even though the world around them is saying everyone want it, that I could help someone, that’s what keeps me staying visible and in my own way showing pride.
River: I always try to share the posts I find around the subject, especially if they concern me directly. Sometimes I make Instagram stories or videos for Tiktok myself. This year I will also physically go to the pride of my city and hope to find my flag online to buy it.
Sparrow: By trying to get my voice out there in the hopes that it can help build connections with other ace people who reject the label of “queer” but still want connection with other LGBTQ+ people.