The theme of Ace Week 2021 is “Beyond Awareness” so we wanted to focus on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the ace community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream allosexual people talking about asexuality and even hidden within ace communities.
There are many asexual people who have or want romantic relationships, but those relationships are often seen as doomed, and asexuality is sometimes seen as impossible to reconcile with romance. We wanted to highlight the voices of aces who are in or want to be in romantic relationships. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Anonymous – I’m asexual and married.
My name is Casper, and I am ace and in two romantic relationships (a polyamorous polycule!)
My name is Daniel, and I identify as homoromantic asexual. I’m a cis man, and I am in a long-term relationship with a(n) (allo) gay man.
Emily Karp, I’m a gray-aromantic & gray-panromantic asexual woman, and I’m seeking a committed life partner who wants to embark on a parenthood journey alongside me.
My name is Eljay (she/her). I’m Filipino, and I was born and raised here in the Philippines. I’m grayromantic and asexual. As a grayromantic, I have experienced romantic attraction only once in my life.
My name is Eliott Simpson. I am a panromantic asexual, and am currently in a romantic relationship.
My name is Mikhayl, but I go by Mik or Miktastic. I am Asexual and Panromantic (possibly grey aro). I’m polyamorous, and am currently with 2 partners (one QP and one romantic).
My name is Sarah (she/her) and I am a sex-averse asexual person. I am still figuring out my romantic identity, but I believe myself to be panromantic. I unfortunately have not had a romantic relationship yet; however, I would like one very much. Mostly, I would like a life partner to share my home with, preferably someone ace or a person with no need for sex. I am a very sensual, cuddly person and would like very much to have a physical intimacy as well as deep emotional connections with my partner. It would be wonderful to be able to share all aspects of my life with another person, and for them to be able to do the same with me. Monogamy is also very important to me, though I understand very well why many aces choose polyamory.
How has being ace impacted your romantic relationships, or your search for romantic relationships?
Anonymous: I am in a long-term romantic relationship for a number of years. I have definitely found that it has impacted our relationship – there were times where I felt like I was not a good enough partner or something was “wrong” with me when I didn’t want to have sex. Since finding out that I’m ace, our relationship and communication is definitely better.
Casper: Before realizing my places on the ace and aro-spectrums, I had become so worried of being a bad or unloving partner… but then I realized that my love is still valid and beautiful, even if it seems different from what people understand or experience. It’s caused some internal distress, but thankfully I’ve been blessed with my current wife and boyfriend- with all of us being ace, it’s far easier for conversations to happen.
Daniel: My asexuality made it more difficult to find dates, and I’ve been rejected on a couple of occasions solely because of my asexuality. But my boyfriend is accepting of my asexuality, and it hasn’t been an issue for us.
EK: I’m kissing-averse and sex-averse, so my only options of partners when I date mostly feel like other ace people who don’t want sex, or to try polyamory. In addition to that, I really want to become a parent, so the already very narrow dating pool then shrinks much further – the majority of aces don’t want kids! I’ve dated 4 different aces over the past 5-and-a-half years, These dynamics are not always classified as “romantic” for me and my partner at the time. I’m 31, single again, and still on my quest.
Eljay: I’ve had only one romantic relationship, back when I didn’t know I was asexual. I felt the pressure that someday we would have to do sexual stuff. I got so uncomfortable when something sexual almost happened between us, but I’m glad they didn’t get mad or anything.
ES: Until recently, my asexuality had impacted my pursuit for romantic relationships. Very often, as soon as I explained my orientation, people I was dating would be turned off and make false assumptions, or suddenly cease communications because they didn’t understand. Either I would be upfront about my asexuality and immediately be faced with confusion or misunderstandings, or I would wait until knowing someone for a bit first and then reveal my orientation, whereupon they would then act like I had lied or betrayed them about who I was, despite never giving off any indication that I wanted sex or experienced sexual attraction
Mik: Being Ace has only impacted romantic relationships with allo individuals. I always make it a point to mention it before getting invested, but it usually becomes an issue with Allos. Many of the Allos I’ve dated equate sexual attraction to love and that isn’t how I operated.
Sarah: I think being ace has made pursuing romantic relationships MUCH harder. More specifically, being sex-averse. Unlike people who are more sex-favorable or sex-indifferent, I cannot compromise with allo people in realtionships when it comes to sex. I have had countless dates end the moment I said I was asexual: most allosexual people immediately dismissed me as a possible partner and told me they would not be able to bond with me and feel the intimacy they need. Lots of people have told me that they don’t believe they could have a true romantic relationship without sex. This makes my dating pool very small and limits me mostly to other romantic ace people. Finding other aces has been very difficult, and I have only met one or two other ace people in my whole life. Due to this, I feel like I have very few options and can’t be very choosy.
How do you seek out romantic relationships? Do you find that certain methods of finding/forming romantic relationships are better or worse when paired with asexuality?
Casper: Both my wife and boyfriend I happened to meet in creative spheres and was friends with them LONG before beginning romantic relationships. I don’t typically SEEK out romantic relationships, but I’m very open to them happening naturally! I feel it’s forced me to DISCUSS sexuality more openly which, at least in recent years has been beneficial! I haven’t been in the dating scene in a while though.
Daniel: I find dating apps are the easiest to seek out romantic relationships, especially as a gay ace. My dating pool is small, and it’s easier to find people using apps. Plus, gay spaces are hard to navigate as an asexual.
ES: In my experience, the best routes have either been to try and develop a relationship from an already established friendship where the other person is already aware and accepting of my asexuality, or go via a dating app where the bio allows you enough space to explain your orientation in however much detail you need, so anyone matching with you is already aware and hopefully understands. The latter is how I found my current partner. They are not asexual themselves, but they read my complete bio and took the time to research and understand as we were first chatting, and they have been nothing but accepting and loving to me.
Mik: Long distance dating seems to work the best for me. There’s no pressure of sex and no disappointment when my partner realizes I meant it when I said I experience no sexual attraction.
Sarah: My ideal way of seeking relationships is always in person. Theoretically, I think it would be the best approach for ace people. However, I do not know any aces in my area or have any ace people in my life in general. I think most people (I assume) would prefer for relationships to develop organically, but it is very tough if you don’t know anyone romantically compatible. I have also tried a couple dating apps: overall, they are not for me. More general dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, OKcupid, Hinge) really haven’t worked for me. I liked tinder the least, as the culture was very sex and appearance focused. No one read my profile and people would regularly try to tell me that asexuality wasn’t real, was selfish, was an illness, etc. Bumble and OKcupid were significantly better and people were more likely to read my profile, but I couldn’t find any other ace people or anyone that I could connect with. I did appreciate that I could better filter for gender and romantic identities and that I could select asexual in OKcupid, though. I have tried dating apps geared towards asexuals (Acebook, Asexual Cupid, Asexualistic, Asexual Dating Site). While I liked them much better atmosphere wise, the apps were often pretty dead and there was usually only one ace person within a hundred miles.
Could you describe your ideal romantic relationship?
Casper: Trust, also the most important is someone I can create art with and have adventures with!
Daniel: It sounds a bit sappy, but my current relationship is ideal. My boyfriend is allo, and we are sexually active, but we communicate about what we’re both comfortable with, and he’s perfectly respectful of my boundaries and my orientation.
Eljay: It would be having a partner who understands and respects my boundaries, who knows I do love them despite being repulsed to some stuff considered sexual/romantic. I would love a romantic relationship that shows intimacy through trust, hugs, and spending time together.
ES: An ideal romantic relationship for me is having absolute complete trust and love for someone else; where trust and comfort and security are the top priorities. Being able to form a unique connection to someone who you feel trust and comfort and security in; someone you can be your complete 100% authentic self in front of. Someone who you’re always honest with so you can always clearly communicate your needs, boundaries and appreciation. Physicality can be an element, but for me this is impossible without forming that initial strong emotional bond.
Mik: Just a nice polycule with kitchen table dynamics. I’m not a fan of hierarchies, but I understand some people need them. I don’t have a primary and all my partners are treated as equally as I can.
Sarah: My ideal relationship is a committed partnership that includes physical intimacy (cuddling, shared bed, light kissing, et.) and a deep emotional connection. I will not compromise on sex, so I would like to date another asexual person who can understand and not feel burdened by my needs. I could imagine myself being equally happy in a queer platonic relationship that was less physical with an equally intense partnerhip, as well.
How has your experience in ace communities been impacted by your romantic relationships or desire for romantic relationships?
Casper: It’s primarily helped me with setting better boundaries and no longer forcing myself into situations or types of relationships I don’t feel comfortable in. I’m an incredibly sex positive ace, which caused me to struggle with my own aceness, but getting involved with the community helped me accept my own aceness and my relationship with sex and romantic relationships: so my relationships have gotten happier AND healthier!
Daniel: I don’t think it has affected my experience in ace communities. If anything, I have to remind myself to be aware that although I want a romantic relationship, it’s also valid to prefer not to date as an ace person.
EK: There are limited ace communities out there, so often I might bring my partner into an ace space and/or meet them originally via us both being in the space, and then when we break-up it’s awkward-at-best to continue to co-exist in the community space. I also have met so many of the local aces that often you see your friends recommended to you as a really high match when you go onto OkCupid as an asexual person, which is pretty awkward and uncomfortable at times with people you already know well and know you won’t be dating for a number of reasons.
Eljay: There was some time when I didn’t know that romantic and sexual attraction was different, and I thought I wasn’t really ace since I’ve had a romantic relationship. Anyway, I was quickly assured by the ace community that I was a valid asexual, and I’ll always be grateful for that.
ES: My romantic relationships and desire for them have not dramatically impacted my experience in ace communities, as anything regarding relationships is something I only tend to discuss with very close friends. Should the topic arise I’m always curious about what other romantic ace’s experiences are, but it’s never been anything that’s defined nor hindered my friendships and experiences with other aces and communities.
Mik: Finding more aces has made me feel valid in the way I approach relationships. Polyamory works well for me and plenty of other aces I know.
Sarah: I have had very little experience with the ace community, but asexual communities online aren’t always the most encouraging. While most people are very kind, many ace people online express feelings of hopelessness regarding their romantic life or spurn romantic relationships, which can be a little disheartening. Sometimes, reading posts from AVEN or other asexual sites makes me want to give up on finding love; however, I am a naturally optimistic person and usually start hoping and dating again.
How could ace communities better support you?
Casper: Less stigma against each other is just necessary for all of us. Not judging people who are sex favorable, sex repulsed, or if that fluctuates. Not excluding people who pursue romantic relationships OR people who are not interested in romantic relationships. Just, in general, less “corners of the community pitted against one another”.
Daniel: Remember there isn’t a single way to be asexual. The spectrum of ace experiences is so broad, and it’s important to be welcoming and accepting to everyone. That applies to alloromantic aces, but also any other sub-group in the community
ES: I think ace communities can support each other by just sharing which sites and methods they’ve found have worked for them. Everyone has a different experience, but hearing of positive experiences may give other aces helpful advice and reassurance. Personally, I’ve found OkCupid to be one of the better sites for creating detailed bios that ensures most matches will come from a point of understanding.
Mik: Just providing a space where I can be me. A place where I can be polyamorous and not be judged. Also knowing that Asexuality isn’t a one size fits all type of deal.
Sarah: I think I just need a little more understanding from the ace community. Sex-favorable aces often encourage other asexual people to pursue relationships with allos without fully understanding my frustrations and how impossible it can be for me. Lots of other asexual people have allowed themselves to become cynical and negative. Most of all, I think I need someone who can relate to my same struggles, yet, who has still found love or had a pleasant romantic relationship.
If you have been in a romantic relationship: did you find it easy to explain asexuality to your partner? Was your partner accepting and understanding? Did they react the way that you expected them to?
Anonymous: My partner was amazing when I came out to them. We had been together for many years when I found out. I was worried that they would feel hurt by the idea of me not being sexually attracted to them and that we would have to not be together anymore. I felt like I was letting them down – they assure me that I am not and that I am fine as I am. They probably are one of the main reasons I could accept myself as being ace.
Casper: I’m presently married to and dating two other sex-positive asexual people, so we’ve had many talks about our sexualities, desires, etc. and they’ve all been fairly comfortable! In the past, I’ve had people not understand, but I’ve been fairly lucky with romantic partners in that regard!
Daniel: I’ve never found it difficult to explain asexuality to a partner, but I have a lot of experience talking about my orientation. Partners haven’t always been accepting, and one of my exes became acephobic after realising I wouldn’t change.
EK: When I thought I was straight in 2013, I expressed my questioning that I might be asexual to my boyfriend starting right after our first kiss, which triggered my kissing-aversion. He wondered if I was psychologically repressed somehow because of my Catholic upbringing, asked me what I fantasized about (I don’t have sexual fantasies at all), and wondered if I needed to see a doctor and get my hormones checked. All of this might seem invalidating but he was kind and well-meaning with the questions and accepted my answers with grace. He was very understanding and we ultimately broke up really amicably, knowing it wasn’t either person’s fault, we were just incompatible sexually. He needed a monogamous partner who he could sexually please, and I needed a sex-free dynamic.
ES: I’ve found it incredibly easy to explain my asexuality to my current partner because they are accepting, understanding and did their own research before we even started dating. I was surprised at how understanding and accepting they were, because previous partners have not been that way. In previous failed relationships, most of my partners never truly understood and only pretended to because they thought they could “change” me.
Mik: It’s hard explaining asexuality to allosexuals. Some partners have been understanding, but some have not. It can be rough, but I am always willing to compromise if others are.
What do you wish ace people knew about you or other aces in or wanting romantic relationships?
Anonymous: Coming from someone who has felt like this: you are not letting your partner(s) down. Something I have seen in some agony aunt columns is blame being placed on the ace person in a relationship and allonormativity can make us feel like we are the one with something “wrong” with them. Relationships are about meeting the needs of all parties, not just the allo folks.
If the relationship ends for any reason, it is not your fault. You are deserving of a romantic relationship/relationships. And don’t just settle with someone because they’re willing to be in a romantic relationship with you.
Casper: As long as everyone involved is happy and the relationships are healthy, then that doesn’t affect a person’s personal identity as asexual and/or aromatic.
Daniel: Being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t date or even have sex. Asexuality is defined by not feeling sexual attraction, and your actions don’t determine your feelings. Aces can find a relationship – romantic, sexual, or neither – where they can be content.
ES: That it can be comforting to have reassurance that there are allo people out there who do understand and that there are sites that suit explaining our orientations better than others. I wish ace people knew that it is possible to achieve a romantic relationship with someone who is understanding and accepting and that as hard as it can be, we don’t need to limit ourselves or relegate ourselves to scenarios that make us unhappy.
Mik: It’s possible to be in a romantic relationship as an ace. It can be hard, but it’s worth it. Sex doesn’t have to define a relationship, and there is always someone out there that will not force you to compromise your beliefs.
Sarah: I wish that more ace people understood that I (and others) can both be at peace with their asexuality and still desire more for myself in a romantic relationship. I am genuinely a very happy person that has found much fulfillment in life; having a romantic relationship would just be a nice addition. I am not a desperate person and my interest in dating do not compromise my acceptance of my ace identity or support of ace people that want a different lifestyle.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aces in or wanting romantic relationships?
Anonymous: A common question I get asked is, “how does your partner feel about you being ace?” I understand where that comes from, but there can be this assumption that an allo and ace person couldn’t be together. This can come from assumptions about asexuality and ace-spec people and how relationships can work. I will also get asked questions about our sex life, and both of these questions can be invasive. Ace-spec people do not necessarily define our identities by how little or as much sex we have, and relationships are not necessarily defined by this too.
Casper: Not all asexual or aromantic folks are aro/ace because of traumas. Some of us are, and that’s valid & a-okay, but not all of us!
Daniel: Sex isn’t the be-all and end-all of relationships. You can have a fulfilling romantic relationship without sex. In fact, I think a lot of people would be happier in their relationships if they were more open to breaking societal expectations.
EK: I wish therapists, my dad, and others who know I don’t kiss or have sex understood on a deeper level how much different my committed partnerships are from being friends with someone, and conversely I wish it wasn’t so assumed that aces who are interested in dating do usually kiss their partners.
Also, I wish people understood that aces who date, like a number of people with other LGBTQ+ identities, often have a delayed experience with dating and sometimes are going through their first dating experiences in their late twenties or thirties or even older.
Eljay: I wish allos knew that there are people who want romantic relationships without the sexual part. I wish they understood that sex is not “negotiable” to us. If we don’t want it, don’t “negotiate” with us.
ES: That having sex is not the same as not experiencing sexual attraction, and that sex is never something that should be expected or demanded within a relationship. I wish allo people just took the time to try and understand, do their own research and listen to us when we explain our personal attractions and preferences. So many people dismiss ace people as potential romantic partners purely on false assumptions that aren’t true or are skewed.
Mik: It’s not doomed to fail. Despite what society says, it’s possible to have a relationship without sex being the focal point. That said there are sex positive and sex favorable aces.
Sarah: I wish more allo people could understand romance as more than just being sexual in nature: so many people cannot imagine a loving relationship without sex, which is deeply sad to me. I love deeply and fully, yet many allo people seem to think that my love is lesser and lacking. Allos need to know that ace people are full persons capable of the full depth and range of human love and emotion.