Ace Week 2021 – Aces and Sex or Kink

The theme of Ace Week 2021 is “Beyond Awareness” so we wanted to focus on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the ace community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream allosexual people talking about asexuality and even hidden within ace communities.

Asexuality is often seen as incompatible with being kinky or wanting sex, and those aces who are kinky or sex favorable may feel out of place, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.

Content warning: This article contains some discussion of and description of kinks, though no description of explicit sexual activity.

Introductions

My name is Ashlee C. (they/them). I identify as a bisexual gray-asexual, and I am a sex-favorable asexual.

My name is Aley O’Mara (they/them). I identify as ace, queer, bi, and sapphic. I am kinky and sex-favorable.

My name is Bob O’Boyle. I am asexual and kinky, particularly focusing on tickling.

My name is Casper, and I am a sex favorable/kinky ace.

My name is Joshua Godfrey and I am aroace – my kink is Omorashi (pee desperation)

My name is Mikhayl, but I go by Mik or Miktastic.  I am Asexual and Panromantic (possibly grey aro). I am usually sex indifferent, but I am currently sex favorable. I am a kinky ace.

How does your kinkiness or sexual desire intersect with your orientation?

AC: Though I do not experience sexual attraction to most people, I am sex-favorable & still have a high libido. My physical needs are not affected or lessened by the limited number of people I’ve felt sexually attracted to.

AOM: I’ve occasionally doubted my asexuality because of my sexual desire, but never because of my kinkiness. Luckily, though, I’ve had good ace community mentors who emphasize that asexuality is an identity and an orientation; you choose how you want to interact with it, and since I want to be ace, I am ace.

BOB: Absolutely directly. Whenever I am horny (for better or worse), there is a spike in the interest in my kink (Which is tickling, particularly feet). I can, however, view things related to my kink without getting or being horny. And just because I have kink play with someone does not mean that I’m sexually attracted to them, or want to do anything sexual with them.

Casper: I don’t feel sexual attraction to people I don’t know well, and even then it’s a complicated thing. It’s less “I’m sexually attracted to you” and is more “I’d be a-okay with us having sex together! Sounds fun!”  It’s just an activity to do with someone I care deeply about… and I happen to like some kinkier things in that time, if everyone’s comfortable with it!

JG: It stalled me identifying as ace because I have a kink. To this day, allos tell me I cannot be ace if I have a kink. It’s infuriating. Who left them in charge of the gate?

Mik: My kinkiness and asexuality seem to operate on different frequencies.  I’m a masochist so receiving pain makes me feel a certain way.  I can be aroused through other means, but I don’t experience sexual attraction to others.

If kinky: which did you discover first, asexuality or kink? Was the one that you discovered second hard to reconcile with the first? 

AC: Having a high libido was baffling to me for a long time because I confused sexual need with sexual attraction, so it took me a long time to realize they were separate things & sort them out. I definitely realized my libido before I learned about asexuality.

AOM: I didn’t have the words for it, but I was aware that I was kinky before I even thought to consider whether I was asexual. (I always assumed the sexual attraction would kick in eventually.) When I learned about asexuality, I almost immediately read that some aces are kinky, and everything made perfect sense to me. Realizing that was one of the first times that I felt like I actually knew myself.

BOB: I discovered my kink far before I discovered asexuality. I discovered my tickling kink when I was a kid, i.e. pre-teen, and discovered asexuality well into adulthood, i.e. mid-30s. Discovering asexuality was initially difficult to reconcile with the first, until I realized that indulging in it doesn’t relate to my sexual attraction to a person. This was my first realization that attraction does not equal action, as well as my first hint that I was aegosexual.

Casper: Kink, actually! I didn’t even learn about asexuality until years after I had become sexually active, and at first I didn’t think it applied to me since I did enjoy sex. It made it hard for me to accept my own aceness, but now I think they are happily hand-in-hand!

JG: I had my kink sense in kindergarten. When other kids had to pee or had an accident i would get so aroused by it. I did not know this was arousal until later though. Then i thought everyone had that kink until i saw a movie where this guy said i don’t want to watch a woman pee. I was like “what?!”. Changed my life. Lol.

Mik: Asexuality is something I discovered first.  When everyone else was talking about their hormones and how they wanted to have sex with their peers, it all seemed strange to me.  Discovering kink did make me question my asexuality for a bit.  I wasn’t aware that arousal didn’t equal attraction.

How is your experience in ace communities impacted by your kinkiness or sexual desire or your experience with other kinky or sexual people impacted by your orientation?

AC: Sometimes I’ve felt like an outcast in some ace circles, because I *do* experience attraction & I do know what it feels like, it’s just a very circumstantial thing for me so I can both relate, & feel like an outsider at the same time. I’ve been afraid before of “not being ace enough” & not fitting in with any community.

AOM: Virtually all the kinky people I’ve met have also been ace, which is delightful. I know some people and texts conflate kink with sexual attraction, but I have been very fortunate because my formative experiences have all been around kinky aces. What I don’t like is the puritanical “kink at pride” discourse that tries to use aces as human shields for anti-kink ideologies.

BOB: I find myself being The One that speaks on, and can educate others, on the intersection of kink and asexuality, and have taken on that mantle both proudly and happily. As more and more often we have the “Kink at Pride” discourse, we’re going to need kinky ace voices who are able to push back on the Puritanical arguments by showing that kink is not inherently sexual.

JG: It was and is extremely difficult. I find myself needing periodic reaffirmation.

How could ace communities better support you?

AC: They could help by including more resources for sex-favorable aces while simultaneously still ensuring to respect sex-repulsed or sex-negative aces. Both deserve equal respect & validity.

AOM: Don’t participate in those anti-kink ideologies! They’re just repackaged TERF/SWERF fascism, and there’s no place in the ace community for that.

BOB: I think they support kinky aces fine as is, honestly, and there’s no “need” for “better” support. More loud and frequent acknowledgement of sex favorable & sex positive aces, however, is sorely needed, as well as being more pushy about the notion of “attraction does not equal action”, given how much grief people still give – in and out of the community – to aces who do have sex for any reason.

Casper: Just better general awareness and acceptance of other ace people who experience their aceness in different ways

JG: I feel if I say I have a kink my fellow aces will not accept me as ace, if even only in their minds.

Mik: The ace community seems to be pretty supportive of kinky and sex favorable aces.

What do you wish ace people knew about you or other kinky or sex favorable aces?

AC: I’ve seen some argue that ace people can’t have or enjoy sex or that doing so makes them “not really ace”, & I think putting anyone on an “more-ace-than-thou” pedestal is harmful for everyone in the community. Gatekeeping helps no one.

AOM: There are so many ways to be asexual, and gatekeeping and enforcing rigid definitions only harms the community.

BOB: That engaging in sexual activity does not cancel out our being ace.  I saw someone who is aroace express that position recently – speaking ONLY for themselves, for clarity – and it hurt my heart.  I’m glad that they have reached an understanding for/about themselves, but that sort of mindset is easily weaponized against the ace community writ large, and really needs to be softened as much as possible.  Also, I wish more aces knew that being kinky is not only a-ok, but a way to make kink seen as more of an acceptable activity.

Casper: I’ve said this a lot but just: many asexual people enjoy sex, and that’s okay!

JG: Let us recognize all types of aces. We do not need to have discussions on kink or sex but I think we need more recognition that not all aces are the same. This article is a good example.

Mik: Aces tend to be understanding of other aces.

What do you wish allo people knew about you or other kinky or sex favorable aces?

AC: I wish they knew that when I do feel sexual attraction, I feel as though I experience it to the same intensity & type as they experience it, it’s just more rare for me to find someone I am sexually attracted to.

AOM: Sex is just another kink! 

Aces experience sex and might experience kink differently than they do, but it doesn’t always look different, and that doesn’t mean we’re bad or inadequate at sex or kink. There’s range in the experiences of sex and kink among allos, too.

BOB: KINK IS NOT INHERENTLY SEXUAL. I cannot say that often or loudly enough as it is, because – as the “Kink at Pride” discourse and controversy surrounding Alok Vaid-Menon has shown – people still and always conflate kink play with sex. The two can overlap – and in some forms of play explicitly do – but MUCH more often than not they do not, NOR DO THEY NEED TO.

Casper: See above!

JG: It is hard to find an identity when you are sexually attracted to no one but have a kink. I am sure favorable aces have similar experiences.

Mik: The biggest thing is that Aces can enjoy sex and kink and still be ace.  It doesn’t make anyone less valid.  Sexual arousal doesn’t equal sexual attraction.

If kinky: does your niche of the kink community understand or have an opinion on asexuality? How does this impact your interaction with the kink community and with play partners?

AOM: My online niche is ace and it’s rad as hell. Unfortunately, there isn’t an in-person kink community in my area; this, more than being ace, has made connecting hard.

BOB: The tickling and foot spheres don’t have any specific opinions on asexuality that I’ve seen – though I have seen out aces in both – but it affects my interactions with play partners because I have to manage their potential need for sexual activity, in addition to my own. The most important part of kink play is negotiation, and I have lost at least one potential play partner because I said outright that I wasn’t interested in sex.

Casper: Mostly for me it’s just affected my relationship with the content I consume or the ways I explore sexuality. For example, narrative is needed because sex without intention or bond just does nothing for me! That hasn’t caused any issues or anything, but it’s definitely affected my relationship with that sorta stuff!

JG: I am sure they would be disgusted. I understand. But I would love to find a like minded individual. Too many omorashi (pee desperation) videos have sex, masturbation or women rubbing themselves sensually. It actually turns me off. Just give me the omorashi.

Mik: My fellow allo kinksters here don’t understand asexuality, but they accept me for who I am.  Masochism doesn’t inherently lead to sex, so it makes it easier for me to have play partners.