The theme of Ace Week 2021 is “Beyond Awareness” so we wanted to focus on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the ace community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream allosexual people talking about asexuality and even hidden within ace communities.
Asexual people who have children or want them aren’t heard from often, and many don’t have the resources or representation they deserve, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Ashley – Panromantic Sex Repulsed Asexual, parent to one child
Emily Karp, I’m a gray-aromantic & gray-panromantic asexual woman, and I’m seeking a committed life partner who wants to embark on a parenthood journey alongside me. I don’t have kids yet.
Jesi, Acespec, co-parent to a three year old
My name is JJ, and I’m an agender biromantic asexual parent to 3 kids, ages 6, 4, and 2.
Hi, my name is Kelly, a biromantic grey-ace mother of one.
My name is Mikhayl, but I go by Mik or Miktastic. I am Asexual and Panromantic (possibly grey aro). I am currently with 2 partners (one QP and one romantic). I don’t have children, but I would like some one day.
My name is Ryder. I’m asexual, autochorrisexual/aegosexual, and I have one kid who’s 1, almost two.
How has being ace impacted your parenting, or your desire for children?
Ashley: It hasn’t had any impact on my desire for children or parenting style. I had my daughter with my ex-husband when I was able to tolerate a more sex neutral situation, but my sexual orientation never has and never will impact my status as a mother.
EK: Ever since I was 13 years old I desired becoming a parent via foster caregiving and/or adoption, and even though I had no idea asexuality was even a possibility back then and took till I was 23 to learn I was ace, I have wondered if part of why I was drawn to wanting parenthood in this manner was on some deep down level knowing conceiving a child wasn’t something that would be as easy for my sex-averse, pan, self.
JJ: Not at all. I wanted a big family. So did my allo partner. Now we have one. 🙂
Kelly: It has made me approach identity in a more open way, using open language with my child. I always wanted to be a mother, while not ignoring my truth as being on the asexual spectrum.
Mik: It hasn’t. In the past I’ve thought it wouldn’t work out, but I know that it can. I just need to find the right partner or co-parent.
Ryder: It’s stressful sometimes, because it’s just me, and I always think about how it’s always going to be just me and how that will affect my kid. I plan everything, even my family planning, around just me, and sometimes it just feels really hard.
How has your experience in ace communities been impacted by your status as a parent or desire for children?
Ashley: I am in several ace communities, and most fellow aces and allies have a solid understanding of the fact that you can be ace and also have children. I have only met a few other aces who seem surprised by the fact that I’m a mother, but there are different levels of education and understanding within any community.
JJ: Honestly, I haven’t spent much time in survival ace spaces. But in LGBTQ+ spaces, we’ve always been welcome (except the occasional grump from someone who thinks we are a cis het allo family since my partner and I are straight passing. They are a bisexual demiboy.)
Kelly: Yes. I get “are you really ace because you have a kid” as often as I get “are you really biromantic because you married a man.” My truth doesn’t change and those close to me, my partner, and a small niche online community are my support.
Mik: Not particularly.
Ryder: It feels isolating, seeing so many people talk about how they don’t want kids, and I feel like I’m the only one who wanted one so badly. It’s like an isolated group in an isolated group.
How could ace communities better support you?
Ashley: Honestly they’ve been nothing but supportive so far. Everyone is so welcoming and it’s wonderful to speak with those I can identify with.
EK: I would love to be able to have an online subcommunity of just aces who want to pursue foster care/adoption, that would really be a more organic, casual way to maybe find friends with a LOT in common with me and possibly even a partner to date! And we could support each other.
JJ: Not sure since I’ve never really been part of one.
Kelly: By being more understanding of how being ace is just one part of our identity, like it is only a fraction of the beautiful humans that make up the ace community. Our parenthood is also a portion of who we are, and one part of us does not negate the other.
Ryder: I think when it comes up, they’re pretty supportive, and they don’t really assume. I think ace communities are actually one of the most accepting and diverse groups.
What do you wish ace people knew about you or other aces who are or want to be parents?
Ashley: If you want to be a parent, there are many ways to be a parent, so never assume you will be childless due to your orientation. It is also up to you to share this part of yourself or keep it to yourself. No one needs to know how you plan to start a family, just as it would be rude to ask an allo how their child was conceived…
EK: I wish aces and allosexual people alike wouldn’t assume all aces are childfree, which sometimes seems to happen in certain ace spaces and also in society generally.
Jesi: We can help you find resources for reproductive care that are affirming. Or, at the very least, share experiences with local resources to help you navigate different systems and spaces with more information. So many aces raise children, co-parent, and are caregivers in different capacities…build community to learn from and with one another.
JJ: See next answer.
Mik: Aces can be great parents.
Ryder: Don’t assume ace people don’t want kids. I don’t think most people do this, but when it does come up, it feels like everyone vs. me.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aces who are or want to be parents?
Ashley: We are valid, we are moms and dads just like the rest of you, and since Asexuality is a spectrum, you’re bound to find aces of all different types who wish to start a family.
JJ: I wish both aces and allos understood that you can be asexual and still choose to have sex and may enjoy sex. Just because I don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t have other reasons to have sex.
Kelly: That human beings are complex individuals. We have deep desires, dreams, and passions. We may lack the need for physical intimacy, but that doesn’t mean we are unloving people void of meaningful relationships.
Mik: As with any queer parent, we aren’t going to be bad parents because of our queerness.
Ryder: Stop telling me I’ll get married eventually. Stop assuming I’m looking for a relationship. I’m not. And stop saying I chose this. But also, please offer support, because while I’m not going to get into a relationship just for convenience, and I like being a single parent, it’s also logistically incredibly difficult.