We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Aromantic people of color are too often left out of conversations and representation of our community, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Alyssa G. – aromantic and asexual (hetero-oriented), Filipino American.
Ally Ravago – I’m aromantic asexual. I’m single and I’m a Filipino.
Charis – they/them, Indonesian (South East Asian) allo(bi)sexual, gray aromantic, and genderqueer person.
Chris – aro, mixed race
鬼 – Aromantic allosexual Asian American
Jules – quoi aromantic and aego greysexual, Japanese Brazilian.
Kione – My pronouns are abstra/abstras/abstraself. I am a black grey-aromantic allosexual.
Mia – Black, aromantic
Interview Questions
How does your race intersect with your orientation?
AG: I don’t feel my race intersects with my orientation much. My grandmother tells me that Filipino queer people, especially gay men known as bakla, have a distinctive culture, but, as an aro cisgender female, I don’t resonate with this.
AR: A lot of Filipinos seek romantic relationships, and it is evident in our media. Because of this, I feel like an outcast for being aromantic who chooses to remain single for my entire life. Filipinos are family-oriented so there’s this expectation of me engaging in a romantic relationship and starting a family, but that is not what I want.
Charis: Indonesia is a mostly monoracial country, so we’re usually categorized by ethnicity. While I have multiple ethnicities—Javanese (the largest ethnic group) and Betawi (the ethnic group in the capital city Jakarta)—I am considered in the majority due to the former.
Chris: Personally I come from a mixed race background. Being part French Caucasian I had a lot of pressure in my 20’s to engage in partnering off activities. It was strongly suggested to me I should “settle down and find someone” French people are stereotypically very romantic and romance driven so it was something I tended to notice especially how romance and life partnering permeated my French parent’s life. My other racial background is Asian so there was always a lot of pressure to find someone nice to start a life with.
鬼: I’m mixed eastern Asian and white, and while my heritage is important to me, sexuality is the one part of my life where I try to hide it behind my allegedly ethnically ambiguous appearance in order to avoid dealing with racial fetishisation. The intersection of sexist and racist stereotypes and model minority propaganda means that lots of people think I will be docile and demure; a sex toy and tool to serve white male desire and white supremacist patriarchy; and neither “too Asian” in culture or appearance nor “too feminist.” It’s disgusting and diametrically opposed to my aromanticism.
Jules: It means I must deal with the cultural amatonormativity ingrained in both Japanese and Brazilian cultures (example: pressure to participate in Japan’s Valentine’s Day, expectations of affection/partnering from both Brazilian and non-Brazilians) while also dealing with the realities of being an aro belonging to both vs western stigma.
Kione: It makes me feel special in a bad way. Besides my little brother, I’m the only black aro I know.
Mia: Personally, there doesn’t seem to be much intersection. Being Black and Aro feel like two separate identities for me. I believe it’s due to the lack of representation in public spaces and on social media of Black people who identify as Aromantic or arospec.
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by your race, or your experience with other people of the same race impacted by your orientation?
AG: My experience in aro communities hasn’t been impacted severely by my race, as I don’t generally know many Filipinos outside the aro community either, but I’ve found that Filipino culture heavily emphasizes the importance of marriage.
AR: In a global scale, I feel like I’m still not yet well-represented as a Filipino aromantic. In a national scale, it is validating to find other Filipino aros because it makes me feel less alone. Although, Filipino aromantic communities intersect or are within asexual communities.
Charis: As a collectivist society, Indonesians tend to show care for others. This unfortunately manifests in invading one’s privacy. It’s common for people my age to be asked “When are you getting married?” or “Do you have a romantic partner?” It’s bothersome because I don’t have a short answer to those questions.
Chris: Personally I haven’t found it to be of any real relevance to me. The community is pretty supportive with sharing similar experiences.
鬼: I’m not particularly expected to be romantic on account of my race, but I am nevertheless very strongly expected to get married and to be a good, domestic, obedient spouse, the ideas of which are absolutely abhorrent.
Jules: Regarding people of the same race, I tend to feel alienated and alone because I haven’t met another aro in person, neither someone who wants a queerplatonic relationship.
Kione: It’s pretty lonely. I don’t particularly enjoy interacting with white queers at this point because white people in general suck at being sensitive about racial topics, and there is a big racism issue in general within the overarching community. Black queer people are also like 25% – 75% when it comes to aspec people. A lot of Black queers I’ve run into tended to be aspec exclusionists. So I get treated like I’m infantilizing myself if I bring up the fact that I’m aro.
Mia: The aro community on IG is welcoming but lacks nuance relating to race. My experience with Black people who aren’t aro varies. Those who I’m close to ask questions to try to understand more.
How could aro communities better support you?
AG: Aro communities could better support me by acknowledging aros of color and offering perspectives from a multitude of races.
AR: Aro communities can better support me by having more spaces for BIPOC aros. I’d like to hear more about BIPOC aros.
Charis: I think the predominantly Global North aro communities could give more voice for aro folks that live in the Global South. Our experiences are not only affected by amatonormativity, but also especially queerphobia. A lot of people are shamed for existing, if not outright harassed and killed.
Chris: It would be good to have more geographically appropriate support groups or chat groups. I’d love to have more aro friends in real life.
鬼: Stop assuming that everyone in the community, or the majority of it, is white. Stop assuming that everyone who engages with our large English-speaking community is from English-speaking countries. Stop universalising western hegemony. We’ve always fucking been here. Aromanticism isn’t some white trend. Open your eyes and ears, and stop being racist. Include us by default, not as an afterthought or for self-congratulation or window dressing. Quit platforming racists and making excuses for racism in the community.
Jules: I’d love to see our perspectives more welcomed. Or to see more international cooperation between aros.
Kione: I truly don’t have any attachment to any aro communities. They’re hard to find to begin with and both the aro community and the ace community are white-centered as hell so it’s all just super alienating.
Mia: I don’t feel unsupported I just wish there was more representation. Would love to see Black people in QPRs or Black people navigating life as aros. Maybe more hashtags or group pages? Just to make it easier for us to find each other.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other BIPOC aros?
AG: I wish other aros knew that aros of all different races and ethnicities exist!
AR: I wish aro people knew that BIPOC aros, such as myself, should also be given a space in the community and to take our race into consideration, because not only do we face discrimination for our romantic orientation, but also for the color of our skin.
Charis: Marriage is seen as the ultimate goal in life in our communities. I believe it’s especially apparent in immigrant BIPOC folks whose families insist they continue their bloodline.
Chris: We tend to get more pressures within familiy to pair bond and it can be difficult to ignore these cultural issues.
鬼: Aromantic terminology in English doesn’t have to be the frame of reference for other languages and cultures. In fact, it generally shouldn’t be – direct translations don’t always make sense when imported into other language frameworks and cultural contexts, and western hegemony is imperialism.
Jules: I wish other aros knew that we exist, but we’re often unseen because of language barriers. That we come from cultures that may be amatonormative in different ways. And that we carry different traumas and experiences.
Kione: We exist and we are not infantilizing ourselves. I really don’t know how to explain without being wordy so.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other BIPOC aros?
AG: I wish allos knew that aromanticism is not exclusive to white people.
AR: I wish allo people knew that BIPOC aros exist and that we should not be discriminated for who we are. I wish they knew that we don’t need fixing because we were never broken.
Charis: We exist and the aro experience isn’t limited to white people or people of color living in the Global North countries. Everyone is harmed by amatonormativity regardless of racial and ethnicity background.
Chris: We face at times extra prejudice and ignorance from our own family groups based on their established cultures along with societal pressures.
鬼: Amatonormativity is a fundamental underpinning of patriarchy, sex negativity, sexist stereotypes, and the division and exploitation of the working class; colonial; and a tool used to enforce white supremacy. Including us in intersectionality isn’t fucking optional.
Jules: That although some of us may come from the same cultures and countries, we aren’t going to feel or want the same things, and that’s important and that it should be respected.
Kione: Again that we exist and we are not infantilizing ourselves.
What do you wish people of your racial and/or ethnic background knew about aromanticism?
AG: I wish other Filipinos knew that aromanticism exists and is a valid and lived experience of various people around the world!
AR: I wish Filipinos knew that being aromantic is valid and normal. Aromanticism is barely mentioned or acknowledged in Philippine society. I wish more Filipinos knew more about it because it is the stepping stone towards acceptance.
Charis: Aromanticism exists. Not everyone wishes to be in a (hetero)romantic relationship. Please stop asking people about their romantic lives (or lack thereof) and realize that one’s happiness isn’t determined by whether or not they have a romantic partner.
Chris: Mainly that aromanticism exists and it’s a perfectly valid variation and there’s nothing wrong with us.
鬼: I think they first need to understand that ascending the relationship escalator is neither necessary nor inevitable, otherwise acknowledging aromanticism won’t have much effect on social expectations.
Jules: I wished they knew aromanticism… and that while some aros are happy in romantic or committed relationships, for others it’s not their thing. I wished they knew about the harms of amatonormativity in society.
Kione: That it existed so we don’t have weirdo Black people tweeting about “what are Black gay people doing for the black community since they aren’t reproducing?!” I saw that tweet a few weeks ago at this point in time. It was infuriating, but that is why I said above I don’t know how to explain without being wordy.
Mia: We’re not broken, nor do we feel like we’re missing something that many other people experience. Figuring out that I was Aromantic was the biggest relief ever because it released me from social pressures that were never aligned with how I actually felt about “love”. I get to be honest about how I love and not make excuses for why I’m not in a romantic relationship.