We continue our series of Aspec Voices for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week. Once again, we are focusing on the struggles and issues of specific parts of the aro community – people who are often overlooked by mainstream alloromantic people talking about orientations and even hidden within aro communities.
Aromantic men and masculine-aligned people are a minority in our community, and their existence is often doubted, so we wanted to highlight some of their voices. They face different and specific struggles that need to be heard. Thank you to all who volunteered their time and shared their experiences.
Introductions
Amalthæ – Demi aro, nonbinary transmasculine
Chris – aromantic man
Chris Thompson – Aromantic man
Jules – My identities are: quoi aromantic and aego greysexual, genderfluid nonbinary trans man
Ky – Aromantic man
Onion – I am fully asexual and a grayro man
S. – he/him, trans man. I identify as aroqueer, but specifically Demiromantic and alloaro.
V – I’m aromantic asexual. I’m a genderqueer man
Interview Questions
How does your gender intersect with your orientation?
August: My gender and my orientation are intertwined; they play off one another. They’re not inherently inseparable, but there is something inherently aromantic about my manhood and something inherently manly about my aromanticism.
Amalthæ: Before I transitioned (I am transmasc) I was seen as a “normal woman” because it is “normal” to “take your time” for a relationship. Now that I have transitionned, it is “normal” for a man to “not be that into romantic stuff”. Joke is on them though: I LOVE romantic mushy things. Just, I don’t fall in love unless the stars are aligned. But now I am seen as a dark, mysterious, alpha male kinda person – or when people get that I am trans, they pretend that it’s not me who is lacking attraction, but that it’s the rejection by transphobic people which traumatized me. Or because of the “original trauma which caused me to be trans”.
Chris: I think it’s more related to societal pressures for men to want to form partners and pair form. I also predominantly experience alterous attraction so meeting random people and wanting to pick up aren’t part of my programming. I notice it a lot at work. My colleages are pretty sex charged so get stupid when they see someone they like. I just don’t really see people and desire any real pair bonding desires straight off the bat.
CT: I don’t think it intersects for me personally. I’ve always felt pretty confident in being male and nothing really changed post coming out.
Jules: My trans maleness and aroness are inseparable aspects of my identity because of traumatic experiences about being rejected for both.
Ky: I’d say my gender intersects with being aromantic in the sense I identify as a queer man. As someone who often seeks connections and intimacy with other queer men, I don’t think my identity is often understood outside of the aro/ace community. I think trying to create a queer platonic relationship among a lagely gay male community is challenging to say the least. I largely feel the need to not talk about being aromantic, sort of keep it under the surface when around people I may be interested in.
Onion: For me personally, it doesn’t.
S: I feel my gender cannot be separated from my orientation. Though I do feel my gender intersects with most aspects of my identity. There’s also the stigma that comes along with men in general that ends up getting brought up with Aro topics.
V: I think being a guy and being aro means that when I talk about being aro people are more likely to interpret me as like, tryhard edgy, because I say I don’t want or need love. I feel like women say it and they’re seen as trying to rebel against men or being fiercely independent, which has its own set of negative ways that’s seen, but for guys people think we’re edgy assholes.
How is your experience in aro communities impacted by your gender, or your experience with other men impacted by your orientation?
August: I feel like in being an aro man, I have a lot more closeness and camaraderie with other aro men. I feel like the intersection of our gender and our orientation bring us together.
Amalthæ: Aro communities are so warm and welcoming, it’s a relief to have such places! Most cis men see being aro/ace as something to do with being trans and “not normal” which is very very frustrating because my other orientations (sensual, platonic…) are very strongly pulling me towards other people, especially masc aligned persons. The nonspecialized (not explicitly aro/ace) queer spaces contain a lot of gatekeeping making me often feel inadequate and “not queer enough”: not trans enough (I am nonbinary and have a fem presentation even though I’m transmasc and my gender is more masculine), not queer enough (aro/ace people are “basically straight” after all) and so on. This is so exhausting.
Chris: I don’t think it is as it’s pretty inclusive and I’ve not experienced anything negative from my gender.
CT: Unfortunately I haven’t really been able to meet many aro people so I haven’t really had much opportunity to be affected by them.
Onion: I’ve been fortunate enough to not be treated any differently from other men or people in the aro community for being gray-aro and a man.
V: There’s not really a lot of men in the aro community but I do find some online, so I’m not entirely alone. I’ve been called abusive by other men for being aromantic before though, when I still had a partner.
Upon realizing that you were aro, did you question or change your gender identity or presentation?
August: As I’ve come to terms with being aro, I began to accept myself more as a man. I had tied my worth as a man to being a romantic partner, and as I understood my aromanticism, I became more comfortable.
Amalthæ: Realizing that I am aro made me feel more at ease with my gender identity and presentation. Since I feel less pressured into “performing something in order to find a partner”, I have more freedom of self expression. It made me reconnect with myself, my own personal gender experience, my own personal gender expression. It was liberating.
Chris: No, that came before and after.
CT: No.
Jules: No, but accepting my aroness has made it much easier to accept my transness.
Ky: Thankfully being aromantic didn’t further push me to question my gender. I had identified as a trans man for about 2 years before realizing I was on the asexual and aromantic spectrum.
Onion: Nope!
S: Not exactly, but I think I did stop worrying so much about my gender identity when I finally accepted my aro identity fully.
V: I think being aro and choosing to not date anymore lead to me being comfortable to use the genderqueer label as well as being a man because before it felt I couldn’t use it or I’d be less appealing. I did dye my hair also
How could aro communities better support you?
August: Actively include aro men. It’s not to say aro men are particularly excluded from general aro spaces, but instead there are particular intersections of being aromantic and a man that could benefit from acknowledgement and support.
Amalthæ: So far so good. I found the right spaces to read up things and chat in the comments sometimes. I am lucky.
Chris: I would love to see the community share more aro male positive info or stats.
CT: I live in quite a conservative part of the UK so not many people are really aware of aromantics or even the concept of a romantic orientation. Honestly I think it’s on me to reach more online. I do wonder how different things would be if I lived in London or LA.
Ky: I think simply having an aro community would be better for me. There’s a small group of aro/aces in my city that I’ve been able to meet with at pride festivities some years, but in recent years it’s been dwindling, especially with Covid.
Onion: I feel generally accepted and supported in the aro community currently.
V: I think talking more about aromantic men and the specific treatment we get would be good support.
What do you wish aro people knew about you or other aro men?
Amalthæ: Aro masc people exist and it does not mean we are “basically het” just because the toxic heterosexuality and masculinities refuse any romantic expression from men. I do my best to NOT follow the toxic masculinity clichés. I’m also not in here “just for the sex” – I’m also on the ace spectrum. And I don’t hate people, quite the opposite.
CT: I’d like to think we’d all know that each of our experiences with it are subtly different.
Jules: That some of us wish for committed (non-romantic) sexual relationships. And others wish for children.
Ky: I haven’t thought about this much, because I feel my proximity to the idea of men at large is so tenuous most of the time. I can’t think of anything my fellow aromantics (however few I know) misunderstand about me.
S: I haven’t run into too many issues with other aro people personally. Most aro people I know don’t think too much about the fact that some of us are men. In real life most aro people I know don’t have conflict with me. Online I see a lot of posts about Aro men “not being predatory” but I’m unsure if they’re directed at other aros, allos, or both.
V: Other aros should know that aro men, esp allosexual aros, are very likely to be accused of abuse for our lack of attraction if we date, and accused of using people if we have sex. We need other aros to not assume the worst if they hear we’re being accused of abuse, and push to find out why we are being accused.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aro men?
Amalthæ: Same thing that I said previously about the toxic masculinity. Moreover, I love romantic mushy things just because they are cute. Give me a candle-lit dinner with roses and pink hearts everywhere, by myself or with close friends, and I’ll have the best time ever – but it’ll be because it’s cute, not because it’s a “falling in love” setting. I’m not a hateful person either. I love people, but, as best friends rather than romantic partners. No, I’m not here to get your girl. No, it’s not “basically just a mental health issue” either. Some people cannot digest milk. I do not fall in love. That’s just the things of life.
August: I wish allo people knew that aro men exist and aren’t just the stereotype of men not caring or being bad partners. Aro men are important members of aromantic and queer communities.
CT: When I first floated the idea that I was aromantic to people I did get a few comments that I must be like a sex predator or something, so I would really like to get across that that really is not the case. I have very strong platonic relationships and enjoy dating to a degree.
Jules: That many men are aromantic. That some of us are going to be focused on companionship and sex, instead of romance, and that it simply is what it is. That not all of us are comfortable with romance, the idea of “soulmates” or chivalry. I wish allos respected alloaro men’s sex lives, history and privacy.
Ky: For allo people to know being aromantic and asexual is just as real as being gay or straight – or any other orientation. Being asked “when I’ll meet the right person” feels so similar to when homophobes ask when a gay man will “meet the right girl”. I hate that.
S: There are a few things I wish allo people knew about me and other aro men, however I do think most of them would be resolved with a working understanding of the aro and ace labels. I think the most glaringly obvious, and one you (ambiguous/general “you”) hear about the most is that people think that alloaro men are just “predators” or something which isn’t actually a thing and nothing I’ve ever been accused of personally. Being queer doesn’t make you non-problematic but guys(or anyone else) aren’t bad just because they’re alloaro.
V: Allo people need to know that aro men aren’t evil, we aren’t abusive for existing, and we care about people’s feelings. We aren’t playing with people’s emotions just because we don’t have attraction, and the fact people think attraction is what makes them be nice to their partners is worrying tbh. You should care about people because they’re people and you care for them, not because you find them attractive.