May is International Masturbation Month. Many people have assumptions about how aspec people, particularly ace people, interact with masturbation and libido – from thinking that people with libidos can’t be asexual to not understanding that masturbation may not be sexual for some people, or that sexual pleasure is not incompatible with asexuality.
Many people volunteered to share their experiences, and we are incredibly grateful to all of them for that. This is the second of multiple articles on Aspec Perspectives on Masturbation and Libido.
Introductions
Alex – Cupiosexual, Cupioromantic
Anne – I am agender, gray-romantic, and asexual
Chris (They/them) – I’m aromantic asexual
Duncan (he/they) – I identify as a demiromantic (neptunic/hetero?) asexual with a queerplationic attraction to and sexual preference for the same gender (men).
Esther – I’m Asexual Aromantic
Evren – asexual, sex-repulsed demiromantic/questioning
J – homoromantic asexual aegosexual
Kaira – aroace, autosexual, and self-partnered.
Lorena – Aegosexual asexual and maybe grey-heteromantic
LR – My aspec identities include asexual, aegosexual, and greyromantic
Neil – I identify as panromantic (grey)-ace
Vin – ace, aegosexual. 40 years old, from Italy
Questions
What is your relationship with your libido or masturbation?
Alex: I have masturbated fairly regularly since I was a tween. I identify as cupiosexual because I enjoy the feeling and intimacy of sex, and I would be happiest in a sexual relationship.
Anne: To me, my libido is simply a bodily function and masturbation is how I care for it.
Chris: I do have very high libido and I masturbate pretty often, for me it is a way to release some stress and also to get some dopamine (I have ADHD and am autistic); for me it is inherently nothing sexual, same with my libido.
Duncan: I would say that, even more so in recent years, I have a fairly high libido, and until recently, masturbate nearly every day. However, for a few months now, I have suffered from health issues which has caused me to no longer feel able to have a libido or gain pleasure from masturbation, which is disappointing for me.
Esther: I’d say it’s just something that I think is naturally part of me and something I do, I’m pretty neutral to it.
Evren: I have found that masturbation is very personal to me, and that I’ve regretted telling past partners about it. It’s something I enjoy whenever my body randomly tells me “it’s time”, and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I’m becoming more comfortable doing it and allowing it to be just another enjoyable activity, instead of feeling shame or embarrassment.
J: I think my libido is average so I masturbate about once a day. It’s kind of a daily routine for me, just pleasurable. Though there are days when I can easily forget about this routine but it’s never a big deal for me.
Kaira: My relationship with masturbation has actually changed quite recently. I have tried to put more focus on my self-partnership, and for me, part of that is making my self-intimacy practices a bit more, well, intimate.
Lorena: Starting from primary school up until mid secondary school, I’d rarely masturbate. After that, it has increased in amount and frecency as I discovered different ways to enjoy masturbation. Always linked to boredom, stress or curiosity.
LR: For me, masturbation has always been a purely physical (as opposed to mental or emotional) activity – something nice and fun to do from time to time, in response to my libido.
Neil: Libido: My libido is really hormone cycle related (since I’m afab) mostly and sometimes has weird spikes. None of is appreciated but well
Masturbation: First of all: I do masturbate. I think of it like an inch that needs to be scratched. Sometimes the itch is stronger, sometimes less so and in all cases it does not kill me to just ignore it, but sometimes it’s easier (and less time consuming) to just deal with it.
Vin: I have a high libido, especially at certain times in my life. Masturbation allows me to let off steam, and when I have fantasies, it’s my way of “participating” in them.
How does your libido or masturbation intersect with being aspec for you?
Alex: When I am masturbating, I do not picture anybody or anything while I am doing it – Why should I think of a person to whom I am not sexually attracted?
Anne: I feel as if being aspec causes me to feel more emotionally detached from masturbation than an allo would. Thinking about specific people while masturbating can even be a massive turnoff for me.
Chris: Anything, from porn, erotic scenes (thanks to my ability to absorb other’s emotions), but also random thought about mastubation or me randomly scratching my lap can lead to my libido getting high and to masturbation. When masturbating, my thoughts are very random and I don’t think about anything sexual.
Duncan: Up until about a year or so ago, I have been a sex-averse asexual. For me this meant I was deeply uninterested in performing sex acts, but had no problem with viewing it portrayed in film/tv/porn etc. Masturbation for me was a way of pleasuring myself (especially as an autistic person who used it as a form of sensory stimulation or “stimming”) and engaging with fantasies, kinks etc. without having to be involved in any sex acts. In this way you could say I identified as aegosexual. Now, I have a more positive outlook on sex and BDSM, and wish to have sex in the future. I think this for me is a powerful stance as an asexual, being able to engage with sexual content/activity without being bound by attraction or allonormative pressures.
Esther: Since I also identify with the microlabel Aegosexual, it intersects with the fact that I do consume sexual content but I have a disconnect with it being done with someone else.
Evren: I think being asexual, sex-repulsed but also having this weird drive is a reason why I masturbate–no one’s involved, it’s just me and I don’t have to explain myself to myself. I think too, for me it’s not really “sexual” just something that feels good that I can do for myself. I don’t know, I just don’t equate it to sex, it’s something I do completely independent from whatever society is doing/says.
J: I’m aegosexual so when I masturbate I usually imagine something in a very aegosexual way.
Kaira: As an asexual person, masturbation is an opportunity to have sexual experience that I am completely comfortable with. I don’t have to worry about having boundaries crossed or pleasing a partner. I have recently realized I am autosexual, and masturbation has helped me realize that I experience attraction to myself, that I’m not just performing an action.
Lorena: Libido, more often than not, appears when I search for it. When that’s not the case, the thought of masturbation appears when a sensual/sexual scene appears in the content I’m enjoying.
LR: For me, being Aegosexual means that masturbation is an activity to do in response to a vague feeling of being turned on. I feel that sex and sexuality has nothing to do with me personally – I just recognize the physical feeling of my libido and go with that! It’s more the general idea of sexuality in and of itself that’s exciting, not necessarily myself or others actually being sexual.
Neil: The masturbation part of itself does not influence me being comfortable in my identity at all, I think. The libido is somewhat unfortunate but I do accept it as a given. What helped me accepting me as me was an article about an ace sexworker.
Vin: Masturbation is a part of me. My aspec being is a part of me too. It is not always easy to make these aspects coexist, but I have managed to accept myself in all aspects. Zero sexual attraction, strong aesthetic attraction, high libido, in these intersections there is me.
Did your libido or masturbation make it harder to tell that you were aspec?
Alex: Certainly, I would have realized I was more “different” if I had had no interest in sex, so my libido certainly postponed my self-discovery!
Chris: YES, it did. The stereotype about aspec people is that we are absolutely sex-free beings, no libido whatsoever, and that made my discovery very hard. Eventually I realised that while I am asexual (no attraction) and also sex-repulsive (don’t like naked skin feeling), I have a very high libido and need to masturbate, which doesn’t make me any less asexual.
Duncan: At times, the pleasure I got from masturbation did give me little flashes of doubt, but I reminded myself that this was an act I directed upon myself and no one else. I later read that there are many asexuals out there who masturbate (and more), and I also found the microlabel “aegosexual”, which I found really resonated with me. Both of these I found extremely validating.
Esther: Yes, its was actually the last thing that held me back from accepting that I may be Asexual since I assumed masturbating means you do have sexual attraction to others.
Evren: Yes, definitely. It also made me confused about myself. In past relationships, because I said I masturbated, it was assumed that I would do more sexual things. And that made sense to me, unfortunately, so I would do more and then question my sexuality because of it. Very confusing!
J: I thought for a long time that the fact that I masturbate means I can’t be asexual. I also thought that one day I will fall in love with someone and start think about them in a sexual way while masturbating, and it made me upset because I didn’t want and don’t want to lose my aegosexual way of masturbation.
Kaira: I actually realized I was asexual when I was 14, before I fully understood what masturbation was. My libido has always been below average, but I luckily never doubted myself because of it.
Lorena: It was definitely a cause of confusion because the spectrum isn’t really visibilized nor represented.
LR: At first, I disregarded the asexual label for myself specifically because I knew I had a libido, and thought the two were mutually exclusive. Turns out, I really didn’t understand what ‘sexual attraction’ was (and that it’s not the same as libido) until I understood asexuality first, and realized I don’t experience sexual attraction at all.
Neil: Before I had the right words to describe my identity it did gave me trouble, because my then-partner did not accept me as I was – with my limited libido (that also was influenced by contraceptives) and my not-interest in most of the sexual activities they had in mind. These days I know, that my libido of itself does not define me beeing asexual and I’m okay with it.
Vin: Yes, for a while I also felt guilty, or a fake ace. But by talking to other ace people, especially from the aegosexual community, I found my place in the world.
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by having a libido or masturbating?
Alex: It has been a bit harder to resonate with a lot of “classic” ace experiences. I do want sex, and this has sometimes made me feel like an outsider to a lot of ace communities.
Anne: While I do hesitate to bring up the topic of masturbation around other aces until at least one other confirms they do so as well, I find that it’s fairly widely accepted within the community that asexuals like me exist.
Chris: Well I’m not participating that much, but sometimes I feel like people talk about the act of sex too often (making asexuality only about not wanting sex), much more than about the (lack of) attraction, which is what asexuality is about for me in the first place, so I feel a little bit left out.
Duncan: Neither my my libido nor masturbatory habits have had a significant impact on my experience in aspec circles. In allocishet circles, yes, but even then not greatly. At times, of course, there were instances of the asexual experience (ie: inability to comprehend arousal, sexual appeal) that I didn’t relate to, but asexuality is a diverse and complicated array of identities, and no one is going to relate to everything they see published.
Esther: So far, the aspec community as been very welcoming and supportive since the first thing we acknowledge is that it is a spectrum, so our experience of being asexual is different and unique to each other.
Kaira: I only became an adult about six months ago, so I have only started being more public about these experiences recently. I find that libido and masturbation are rarely talked about in aspec communities.
Lorena: It lead to confusion until I actively searched for its relation and started to follow accounts and sites that talked deeply about asexuality. Even read a few experiences of others.
LR: I have found the aspec community to be extremely welcoming and inclusive when it comes to acknowledging a wide range of attitudes towards sexuality. I appreciate that the asexual community highlights that sexual attraction is the key facet of asexuality, and not necessarily behavior, libido, sex drive, kinks, or physical appearance. I’ve never felt questioned or unwelcome among other aspecs.
At the same time, I feel that online aspec communities are some of the few safe spaces where aspecs can go without being constantly inundated with discussions of sex and romance. Sometimes, even I feel like I don’t want more overt sexuality in ace spaces. As a masturbating asexual, I’m conflicted between wanting to jump on the current sex-positivty bandwagon and at the same time feeling like the only place where aces can go to ‘get away’ from sex has simultaneously been co-opted by the same hypersexuality and sex-positivity which I’ve often felt aliented by.
Neil: It is less my experience in the community as a whole but rather between groups in the community. Since I am not a fan of intercourse and bodily things but at the same time have those urges I feel torn between the sex-repulsed and the sex-tolerant group.
Vin: Except for some people with elitist and exclusive ideas, who fortunately are a minority, the community welcomed me.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Alex: It is valuable when all aspec folks (including those who are sex-repulsed, averse, etc.) recognize how much of a spectrum there in our community, and (gently) remind those who may forget or not know.
Anne: I wish the phrasing of education would be slightly changed. I find it’s often phrased as being “okay” to be ace and masturbate. I wish it was more often phrased as “normal” so we felt less like outliers.
Chris: Definitely by talking more about libido and masturbation, such as that it is valid to be asexual AND be sex-repulsed and still have libido, still masturbate. Or even still have sex if one likes doing it for someone else’s pleasure! All aces are valid.
Esther: While it is a great thing that sex-positive Aces are being seen, I do hope that it is not used as something to appease the allos just cause there are Asexuals who do engage in sexual acts. I think those who are sex repulsed and sex averse should be recognized as much as those who are sex positive
Evren: By making a decent “dating” or getting-together app. Does that count?
J: Please speak more of aegosexuality! I only manage to find out about aegosexuality by pure luck. If not for my sudden curiosity to search microlabels, I might have not known about it up till this day.
Kaira: I feel pretty well supported by aspec communities, but I do wish more community spaces held space for autosexual people, even though the identity is quite rare.
Lorena: More content available at the same time we create more of it. Explanations, history, data and a more visible movement (which of course it can’t be accomplished just with us, but things like merch actually helps).
LR: Though I’m pretty well-supported, we could better recognize how sexual and romantic orientations interact with gender and gender binaries. I think we could be more racially intersectional, and move away from language based around binaries, especially since many aspec people have particularly unique relationships to gender.
Neil: This is a very hard question. I think just generally by accepting that libido of itself is not necessarily bound to sexual attraction and thus all aspec experiences are equally valid.
Vin: The community must value the experience of each aspec person, and not invalidate anyone. We are a big beautiful family.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other aspec people with libidos and/or who masturbate?
Alex: While the challenges we face as aspec people with libido are perhaps different from others in the aspec umbrella, the experiences are no less valid and no less aspec.
Anne: It can be scary and stressful for me to speak about it to others. I often worry my libido will disgust other aspec people or make them uncomfortable.
Chris: I wish other aspecs knew for example that my masturbation and libido is nothing sexual, it’s just an act of joy, usually actually very quick, as I don’t need any pre-play or IDK, any real sexual setting; especially ever since owning a vibrator which does all the job and I’m the happiest.
Duncan: They should understand that masturbation and libido are, for me and many other aces, important to us, and it can be just as frustrating when we lose our joy in/connection with these. Thus, the importance we place on them should be respected even in ace-friendly spaces.
Esther: I don’t think there is much since us aspec understand each other or the least, respect each others’ experience with Asexuality.
Kaira: I wish that other aspec people understood how important masturbation is as a defining part of some people’s aspec identities. It’s not the most important part of my identity, but it has defined my identity enough that I want to talk about it.
Lorena: It doesn’t make you any less aspec.
LR: Acknowledging that being aspec is truly different for everyone is great – everyone experiences sex, sexuality, attraction, libido, and masturbation differently, and all of those things can be related, but aren’t necessarily. For me, it’s like having a bunch of Cupid’s arrows without a bow to shoot them. I might be vaguely horny sometimes, but when I try to direct that horniness towards myself or others (of any gender), it simply doesn’t happen.
Neil: Only because our bodily urges are stronger sometimes we are still aspecs and struggle with maybe not the same problems but similar ones.
Vin: They should know that we, like them, have no sexual attraction, and are valid regardless of our hormones and behavior.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aspec people with libidos and/or who masturbate?
Alex: Sexual attraction is NOT the same thing as wanting sex in general. An ace person who has sex is still an ace person, and you (or anyone) are not entitled to dictate what labels a person can use.
Anne: My bodily functions and how I care for them have no impact on my aspec identities. I shouldn’t have to hide my libido and masturbation habits to avoid being invalidated.
Chris: The same as the previous answer; with the addition of what I’ve already said: that I’m still 100% asexual and valid, and that I can also be sex-repulsed asexual and masturbate and have a libido.
Duncan: That yes, you can be asexual and masturbate/have libido. These have nothing to do with experiencing sexual attraction, and we should not have to conform to a sexless, virgin, antisexual stereotype in order for our sexual orientation to be respected.
Esther: That Asexuality isnt a “white thing” or “straight-passing”, there are Asexual POCs like me who exists. Also us sharing our asexuality is not way for you to ask invasive and psychoanalytic questions. You may not understand us but atleast respect us and accept the idea that people different from you exist.
Evren: I wish allo people knew that my masturbation is separate from wanting or liking sexual intercourse with a person. And just because I do the former doesn’t mean it should be implied that I will be open to the latter, or also that what I do is “hot”. That’s just my opinion/way of being though, it’s not the same for others on the aspectrum! So don’t assume.
J: When speaking about aegosexuality, other aegosexuals and I might mention fantasies we have while masturbating. And while I don’t mind explaining how it is to look at someone having sex from the third point of view, I will never ever in my life tell other people what and who exactly I imagine. It might be different for other aegosexuals, but for it’s a big no-no.
Kaira: I wish they knew that masturbation is not inherently less real or less mature than partnered sex. I often use the term “self-intimacy” because that implies that masturbation is a genuinely intimate act and should be respected as such.
Lorena: It isn’t the same as wanting sex. Ask, learn, understand.
Neil: Just because we “seem to pass” more easily doesn’t mean we feel like allos or want the same things as allos do. Just because I masturbate does not mean I want to have intercourse with an allo.
Vin: My commitment is that no one discriminates against us, neither inside nor outside the aspec community.