May is International Masturbation Month. Many people have assumptions about how aspec people, particularly ace people, interact with masturbation and libido – from thinking that people with libidos can’t be asexual to not understanding that masturbation may not be sexual for some people, or that sexual pleasure is not incompatible with asexuality.
Many people volunteered to share their experiences, and we are incredibly grateful to all of them for that. This is the first of multiple articles on Aspec Perspectives on Masturbation and Libido.
Introductions
Ann – aroace
C – I’m an ace-spectrum person
ChyouX – I identify as aegosexual. Instagram: ChyouX Twitter: ChyouArt
Cosima – I’m aro ace. My pronouns are she/her and I’m debating using they.
El M., she/her – I identify as a panromantic asexual.
Hector – I’m aroace.
JA – Asexual, aegosexual
Paradox – Asexual and Demiromantic
Phoenix (they/them) – I’m a demi-panromantic sex-repulsed asexual who uses they/them pronouns.
Shou – I identify as asexual and grey/demiromantic. I’m not super in touch with my aro-spec identity, so for the majority of the questions below I’ll mostly be speaking through an asexual lens.
Vic – I am a sex-neutral asexual.
Questions
What is your relationship with your libido or masturbation?
Ann: I have a libido, and I masturbate.
C: My libido is generally low, but I masturbate often because I do find it pleasurable. I enjoy masturbating because I can feel sexual pleasure on my own terms, without expectations from others.
Cosima: I don’t really identify with having a libido. I enjoy masturbation but I don’t really connect with the word libido. Masturbation to me is something that gives me relief, joy and relaxation. It’s something positive.
ChyouX: I definitely have a libido and I masturbate. My relationship with both varies between positive experiences to negative ones to sometimes just downright annoyance at being horny when I just want to get something done lol.
EM: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve recognized my libido as being tied to my period as opposed to sexual interest or need. Masturbation is more of a tool than for pleasure; much as eating is for energy, it is a sense of relaxation that my body sometimes needs.
Hector: I would say my libido is average. Maybe slightly higher than average. I do masturbate. As a sex neutral/indifferent ace, I’m not repulsed by it and feel it can be an enjoyable experience.
JA: I’ve never really known how to define my libido. I find myself rarely if ever sexually attracted to anyone and have little/no desire to have sex with anyone. However, I masturbate very frequently (once a day) and consider it a core part of my sexuality.
Paradox: I both have a libido and masturbate. It’s mostly positive for me, but I have a fairly high libido, which can be frustrating when all I want to do is cuddle with a partner and my libido is at odds with that.
Phoenix: I have a very comfortable relationship with my libido and masturbation. Sometimes I would say too comfortable. Which, I guess, sounds odd considering I identify as sex-repulsed.
Shou: I guess I can call it… a laissez-faire relationship? Haha. My libido is low-to-average and didn’t develop until I was around 19-20, meaning I never felt the urge to masturbate through my teenage years. Even now, I really only feel the need when I’m overrun with hormones.
Vic: Being raised in a conservative, and later Christian, household, sex (and anything around it) was viewed as ONLY for after marriage or not allowed at all. When EVERYONE was speaking in innuendos about sex or mentioning they’ve done it (or at least it FELT that way) I started exploring by masturbation. This occurred in college. I feel like my libido was high in college vs now it’s not as often. My libido can be an inconvenience sometimes. Other times doing masturbation is a stress reliever or helps to go to sleep. It feels good, sure, but I still don’t get what the big deal is to people since I’m rarely “in the mood”.
How does your libido or masturbation intersect with being aspec for you?
Ann: A lot of people assume that being ace just means sex-repulsed. so I get a lot of misunderstandings. People might say that I don’t understand sex toys. It’s difficult to explain that I do – it’s a personal subject, but sexual attraction and sexual pleasure are different things.
C: I find that masturbating almost reinforces my asexuality; the desire to experience sexual gratification exists separately from sexual attraction to someone. In these moments, I know attraction and gratification are different, and that I experience one without the other.
Cosima: It took me a long time to find a way to masturbate that feels good and that makes me orgasm. I don’t have any fantasies and masturbation is purely something physical for me. I don’t think about anything specific when I masturbate. I try to concentrate on my body but I could as well be thinking about doing laundry. Makes no difference to me. I can only orgasm with one specific sex toy that stimulates the clitoris.
ChyouX: My masturbation sessions/libido deals strictly with fantasies, and these are almost never about real people but more towards fictional characters.
EM: In some ways, they are nuisances. Being distracted by an increase in libido, or an intense desire to masturbate, are frustrating when I’d rather be doing other things.
Hector: My libido and masturbation are the reasons why I’m sex neutral. Maybe even slightly lean more towards being sex favorable.
JA: I find masturbation to be a very asexual experience, personally. It doesn’t involve anyone else but is pleasurable and fulfilling to me. It’s very much not about sexual attraction to others but rather a physical need/desire that helps me explore my body and relieve tension in my body. The term “aegosexual” also feels like a nice fit for me.
Paradox: It can be really strange for me to feel suddenly turned on, but the way being ace works for me, there’s no direction to it. Even when I do masturbate, I literally can’t think of anyone else. It’s purely about a physical release.
Phoenix: I have always had a high libido sense I hit puberty, but every experience with sex that has involved another person just makes me horribly uncomfortable. Masturbation is the only kind of sex I’m 100% comfortable with all the time. It can be frustrating at times because it doesn’t feel EXACTLY what I want, but at least I don’t feel empty or disgusted afterwards. Food analogies always seem to work best on this. It’s like you’re starving at a cookout. All the food is pretty to look at, but nothing is appetizing. Watching others eat makes you even more hungry, but you can’t bring yourself to eat any of the food because you know all of it just tastes off. So in the end, you just eat the pie you brought with you; it’s tasty and gets rid of the hunger pain, but it isn’t as satisfying as the idea of a rack of ribs.
Shou: I don’t assign much significance to masturbation. I don’t think of masturbation as self-love or anything like that, but I do see it as a form of self-care. Sometimes I just do it because I need the endorphins. To me, this is one way my ace-ness expresses itself.
Vic: Another ace actually described masturbation best as when they do it they don’t think of a person, but of something like a star scape. For me, I focus on the feeling more than anything else.
Did your libido or masturbation make it harder to tell that you were aspec?
Ann: Absolutely. I related to aspec posts online but thought that couldn’t be me since I still enjoy sexual pleasure by myself. It wasn’t until I delved into it more and read the experiences of others that I started to accept my identity.
C: It did! I thought I just had a low sex drive, but I later realized that my views and attitudes towards sex and sexuality were similar to the experiences of other aspec people.
Cosima: No not really. I knew I was aspec before I really started masturbating.
ChyouX: Yes. It was confusing to navigate feeling horny but not wanting to engage sexually with real people. Unfortunately it took me having sex and even feeling shameful when I didn’t enjoy it, to realise I enjoy sexual content/fantasies instead.
EM: YES. Especially in my teens! Between not knowing what asexuality was, the extreme religious community I was raised in, and feeling like not being obsessed withe sex= being a failure, I had no idea.
Hector: When I first started questioning my sexuality at 19, yes, it did make it harder to tell if I was ace or not. Now being 32 and knowing more about asexuality, I’m confident that I am asexual, regardless of libido.
JA: Not necessarily. Although sometimes I have that internalized aphobic question in my head asking me if I’m “really” asexual because I masturbate, I know that I’m asexual because of my lack of sexual attraction to others. I’m also a big believer in sexual fluidity and label changes, always have been, so I was happy to take on the label asexual when it seemed to fit me.
Paradox: Absolutely! I thought that because I enjoyed how masturbating felt and could get turned on that I couldn’t be ace. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I was able to figure it out.
Phoenix: Absolutely. When I first heard about asexuality as an orientation, I was met with the stereotypes that always confuse it with celibacy. So for the longest time I actually identified as pansexual. I felt the same about everyone and I was easily aroused, what else was there? It really wasn’t until I understood that orientation and arousal were separated that things made sense. But even then, it has definitely been a messy journey for me.
Shou: Actually, discovering my libido helped me realize that I am ace! Before, I had no strong feelings about sex and mistook lack of sexual attraction for lack of preference, so I assumed I was bi/pan. Masturbating helps me be in touch with my body’s physiological needs and how they differ from emotional needs. I realized that I just like how orgasms feel and don’t care for partners.
Vic: Looking back it should have made it easier!
How is your experience in aspec communities impacted by having a libido or masturbating?
Ann: It doesn’t have much of an impact. I don’t delve too deeply into online community forums, and friends that I have in person who are ace are easy to talk to about it.
Cosima: I don’t think my experience in aspec communities is impacted by me masturbating.
ChyouX: I haven’t noticed any negative impact in that area. The aspec community seems pretty helpful when others have questions. I only realised I was specifically aegosexual after seeing a comment on Reddit from one ace to someone questioning their identity.
EM: I don’t speak of myself often, so I’m not impacted in the way others may experience. But I listen, and it helps me understand myself and validate that it’s ok to have no sexual attraction even though some times I take sexual action.
Hector: Currently, I don’t have much experience in aspec communities as I’m not out to anyone that knows me in real life and my only experience online is following a few aspec pages and activists on here like you, AVEN, and Yasmin Benoit.
JA: Most of my community experiences are through memes, and the vast majority of the ones I see are from completely sex repulsed and non-sexual perspectives which is wonderful and beautiful, but I have a hard time getting the sense that I’m a “normal asexual” because I feel attached to a certain level of sexuality.
Paradox: I feel like I’m caught in a struggle where people keep trying to be like “But this type of ace deserves to be recognized too!” And everyone is shouting, but no one is listening.
Phoenix: I personally don’t know any other asexual people in my daily life, so that’s definitely one difficulty. But of the ones I’ve gotten to know in Facebook groups and through Twitter, it’s not easy to find other people like myself. Aside from that, it hasn’t really impacted my experience much.
Shou: I don’t participate in any aspec community, so I don’t know. I am active in fandom communities though, and my experience is that well-meaning people who care about acespec folks sometimes oppose depictions of ace characters having sexual activities, or dismiss the possibility that characters who have been confirmed to have had sex and/or like sex can be ace.
It makes me feel as though they don’t consider sex-favorable aces to be “real” ace representation, which stings.
Vic: I’m still finding my place overall in the community, but I feel it is hard describing being ace yet being neutral on sex overall. I don’t mind hearing/talking/seeing/reading about sex. I haven’t really been impacted since I am still finding my community.
How could aspec communities better support you?
Ann: There is a consistent infantilization of asexuality, the use of dragons and cakes and garlic bread as symbols of our identity doesn’t help. I would love for the aspec community to find some imagery that enhances the idea that we are just as mature as any allosexual.
Cosima: I don’t think I need more support from the aspec community.
EM: Honestly I’m still learning how to find them, but I would love to hear from other aspecs who regularly deal with libido/masturbation/even engaging in sex.
JA: I wish I saw more emphasis on masturbation being a normal and healthy thing regardless of sexual orientation, including asexuality. I wish some totally non-sexual aces would be more mindful when talking about other people who like to engage in some types of sexuality. I also just generally wish ace spaces were more visible and widespread.
Paradox: Just realizing that we’re all ace, whether we experience libido or not. Whether we masturbate or not. We all need to listen and boost many voices, not just ones like ours.
Shou: I don’t know – I’ve never participated in aspec communities. I feel like there’s a bit less arospec resources compared to acespec, but maybe that’s just me.
Vic: Create more spaces, including ones for older ace folk. I’m 30 and it feels like groups are just for the “kids”. Include meet ups/clubs for all ages. Make it easier to find groups for older folks.
What do you wish aspec people knew about you or other aspec people with libidos and/or who masturbate?
C: A gentle reminder that we exist, that there isn’t one way to be aspec, and that aspec folks should support each other.
Cosima: Masturbating and liking masturbation doesn’t make you any less aspec. On the other hand it’s not something you have to do. I felt some kind of pressure to be able to orgasm and while I’m glad I found my way to masturbation it’s totally fine if you don’t like it or don’t want it.
EM: From what I have seen, the aspec community is far more welcoming of the spectrum inside our identity than some of the other members of the LGBTQ+ community, let alone allos. But I wish baby-aspecs knew it’s ok to experience libido or to masturbate. It’s just a different facet of who we are, and it’s just as normal and valid as the lack of sexual attraction side.
Hector: I wish that other aspec people know that having a libido and/or masturbating doesn’t make you any less asexual and that from a health perspective, masturbation can be healthy for you.
JA: That it’s perfectly normal for anyone to masturbate including aspec people. That there is no one way to be asexual and that masturbation can be an entirely separate experience than sexual attraction.
Paradox: Finding our aspec identities can be extra confusing and we might need extra time to sort through it all, especially if we experience just enough types of attraction that, combined with libido, can make it seem like sexual attraction.
Phoenix: That we exist mostly. And that our libidos don’t make us any less aspec than the rest of them.
Shou: I kind of want people to stop assuming that an asexual person who has an active libido and/or who masturbate does not automatically equal a demisexual person. I have a libido and masturbate; it doesn’t mean I would develop sexual attraction after forming close bonds with someone. I don’t experience sexual attraction, and that fact is not influenced by how often I satisfy my libido.
Vic: I’m still learning, so lets learn together!
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other aspec people with libidos and/or who masturbate?
Ann: I wish there understanding of the fact that there is as much nuance in saying you’re asexual as there is in saying you’re any other part of the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Being bisexual or agender or anything or can mean a lot of different things based on someone’s personal experience, and the asexual umbrella is no different.
C: I’d want allo people to know that, at times, I found my own sexuality confusing. I don’t wish it were different, but I wish I could’ve been where I’m at now earlier, as it would’ve been easier for everyone. So be kind.
Cosima: We aren’t any less aspec because we masturbate. Also please don’t ask us any questions about how or if we masturbate if you wouldn’t ask an allo person the same thing. Please don’t be rude.
ChyouX: It isn’t contradictory and we’re not just ‘normal’ allos with too many labels. We aren’t less ace when experiencing it. We aren’t seeking attention for having specific labels/flags. Allos can’t put us in a boring box lol. We’re valid.
EM: Oh god so many things. Shortest answer: it is ok, and normal, and natural to not want to have sex. Not everything in life needs to revolve around sex. Relationships can be just as solid and healthy without it. And for Pete’s sake, use more fade to black scenes!!
Hector: I wish that allos knew that just because someone who’s asexual has a libido, masturbates, or even has sex doesn’t mean that they’re lying and that they’re not asexual. There are plently of reasons for aspec people to be sexually active that don’t involve attraction.
JA: Anything I have to say to allo people can probably be found in Angela Chen’s book “Ace” which I recommend to allo and aspec people alike. I would also say again that masturbation can be an entirely separate thing from interpersonal sexuality as it can be a tool for body exploration/acceptance and emotional release.
Paradox: We exist. We’re not making something up to “try and feel special” or because we “want to be oppressed.” Just believe us and take us at our word instead of arguing about our experience or existence.
Phoenix: Allo people need to learn that asexuality isn’t a choice like celibacy, even for those with libidos. Yes, some, like myself, choose not to have sex but not it’s a lot more complex than just a simple choice. We aren’t prude or “super virgins” or sick either. Asexuality is normal. Aromantic people are normal. I mean, to aspec people, the allos are the weird ones.
Shou: I wish they would stop using the word “asexuality” to mean “lack of sexual activities”. I also wish they’d stop assuming all acespec people are sex-repulsed, or consider all sex-repulsed people to be acespec. It’s an erasure of sex-favorable/neutral aces.
Vic: Sexuality is different from other attractions. The split attraction model is very useful in explaining this. Just because I am not sexually attracted does not mean I’m not romantically attracted. I might have sex, I might not. Masturbation feels good and I don’t need to include anyone in it.