TAAAP has written about sex-favorable aces before, but a huge proportion of the ace community is sex-repulsed or averse – over 40% according to the 2019 Ace Community Survey. They face numerous burdens, as they have to contend with sex and sexuality in the world around them. They also must reckon with their own community – many well-meaning aces and allies over-emphasize the existence of sex-favorable aces wile neglecting to mention sex-repulsed and -averse aces at all.
Being sex-repulsed or -avers is extremely individualized, but for a primer on how it can manifest, check out our guide here.
Thank you to all our contributors!
Introductions
Al – I am a non-binary (they/them) asexual, my romantic orientation is still questioning.
Alex – aroace
Cailyn – I am 100% aroace š
E – I am asexual and sex repulsed. Iām still figuring out my romantic identity, but I know Iām aro-spec, and Iām trying out the terms quoiromantic and aromantic
Fey – ace
Grace – sex-averse aroace
JD – Aroace
JR – my aspec identity is asexualĀ
Kay (they/them) – I’m an agender aroace.
Keanna – Ace
Olivia B – I identify as aroace
Ollie – I’m asexual and most likely aromantic, but I’m questioning whether I’m biromantic. I also identify as sex-averse.
Questions
How do you define your feelings towards sex?
Al: So I walk a very interesting line. I am both sex-repulsed and sex-indifferent, the first of which refers to my feelings towards sexual content in media and marketing and culture, and second referring to my personal boundaries with a partner.
Being sex-repulsed for me means Iām extremely uncomfortable when Iām constantly reminded that our modern society considers sex as the singular most desirable act, itās central to relationships and itās something that āmakes us humanā and is necessary for oneās health and happiness. I canāt relate to any of that; and the more sexually charged something is, (music, movies, etc) the less I want anything to do with it.
At the same time, being sex-indifferent for me means that while I donāt actively seek it out, having a partner who fully respects that about me has allowed me space to consent to the rare occasion.
Alex: I donāt mind seeing sex in the media but thinking about doing it myself brings up feelings of disgust
Cailyn: I am sex-positive for others but I cannot see myself ever having sex. I hope to die a virgin, honestly. It just makes me very uncomfortable to picture myself in that situation.
E: The idea of it makes my skin crawl, and itās honestly hard for me to believe that every parent has had it and that so many people want it, because I donāt feel a draw to it.
Fey: I’m super repulsed by sex, *especially* in regards to myself. I’m cool with “fade to black” scenes in movies, but I’ll usually skip through more explicit scenes because they make me uncomfortable.
Grace: Depending on the situation, Iām usually ok hearing about it. I do not like the idea of engaging in it myself.
JD: I do not wish to participate in sex under any circumstances. I see the act as being unnatural and it frankly disgusts me to my core. While I do not judge others for participating in the act, I do judge others who pressure aces such as myself to have sex. We are all humans, and we all deserve common human decency. I should be allowed to live my life freely, just as any allo is allowed to.
JR: I usually feel disgust and am extremely grossed out at the thought of sex or the concept of it.
Kay: I would say I am more repulsed than averse. With say sex scenes in the media, innuendos and sex jokes there is about 50% chance I will be completely unfazed and 50% chance I’ll feel something like a gag reflex. However, when anything sexual is applied to me, gag reflex is inevitable, instant and happens in 100% of the cases.
Keanna: Sex averse! I’m all about people choosing whatever and however much sex they want in their own lives. I don’t mind seeing it portrayed on tv and movies, but thinking about engaging in it myself makes me do a full body shudder.
Olivia B: A bit complicated. Towards the act of sex itself, I support people that want to have sex, but I donāt want it for myself, simply because I just donāt want to. I also, though, think thereās such a huge, tremendous obsession with sexāboth in terms of emphasizing it and shaming people for doing itāthat sometimes it feels like I canāt escape from it.
Ollie: Complex. As an abstract concept I can understand the appeal, but as an actual thing people engage in (and expect me to engage in at some point during my lifetime) to express intimacy it makes me wildly uncomfortable.
How does being sex-repulsed or -averse intersect with being ace for you?
Al: They go hand-in-hand for me. Being sex-repulsed was my first big sign that I might also be ace, but it was one I was conditioned to ignore and āget overā, so that led to a huge delay in realizing my asexuality.
When I could finally embrace my identity, it felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I finally knew myself and knew exactly where my needs and priorities lay. I still craved company and closeness, but I felt liberated from the pressure of having to pursue a conventional relationship. At the time I didnāt know what that would look like, but I was able to enjoy my platonic relationships more easily.
Alex: My lack of sexual attraction is the cause of my being sex averse
Cailyn: Initially it gave me a false impression of the ace community because when I first discovered these words I thought everyone who was ace also hated the idea of sex, but as with all things, being asexual has beautiful shades and colors and every individualās experience is different.
E: On the one hand, my attitude toward sex made it slightly easier to be more sure of my ace identity. However, it also makes me less ānormalā or āpalatableā to people outside that community.
Fey: Being sex-repulsed and being ace feel the same to me- not to say its like that for everyone, but my sex-repulsion is so tied in with my identity and how I realised I was ace in the first place that they kinda merge together.
Grace: I think part of it is Iām very socially awkward in the first place, and I donāt understand other people and how to navigate romantic/sexual and or platonic relationships very well. And because of that, I donāt understand the appeal of sex, and why youād want to do it. I think being ace just adds to that feeling.
JR: Being sex-repulsed intersects with being ace through how I view the concept of attraction and desire for sex. They kind of go along with each other in how even if I found someone attraction, I have no desire to have sex because I’m extremely grossed out by the concept of it. Long before I knew I was ace, I knew I hated the concept of sex and didn’t even (and still don’t) know how I feel about kissing. It was blamed on my age, but the older I got, the more confident I felt at how disgusted I am with sex. Then I discovered the ace label and everything seemed to click.
Kay: It is a crucial part of my asexuality. I realized I was sex-repulsed roughly a year after discovering I was ace and for all that time it felt like something important was missing from me. Processing and embracing being sex-repulsed has helped to be much more at ease with myself and live a much more harmoniously life as an ace person and I honestly can’t imagine one without the other.
Keanna: Sex averse ace experiences were the ones I related to most when I was trying to figure out my identity, so they go hand in hand. It’s part of how I realized I was ace. Apparently most people don’t feel that way about sex haha. It’s just another aspect of myself that reaffirms my aceness.
Olivia B: It made it much harder to come to terms with my asexual identity. I have never had sex in my lifeānever even kissed anyoneāso I was (and sometimes still) telling myself that I couldnāt be sure because Iāve never had sex before. It wasnāt until I started stopping myself from overthinking and talking myself out of things that I realized that maybe the reason Iāve never had sex was because I never felt the urge to.
Ollie: For me it intersects because I cannot imagine a situation where I would be comfortable engaging in something like that, no matter how I felt about the person. My lack of sexual attraction and repulsion means I have no reason to engage in that sort of thing with anyone. I am perfectly content with my āsinglenessā and my closest friendships.
How is your experience in ace communities impacted by being sex-repulsed or -averse?
Al: Finding other sex-repulsed aces has meant finding community with people who understand that intimacy in relationships doesnāt have to also be sexual. It has also opened up a whole space to find creatives writing exciting and wonderful stories intended for a mature audience that arenāt laden with obligatory sexual content. Itās a breath of fresh air!
Alex: Thereās a lot of ace people who reassure allo people that not all aces are sex repulsed or sex averse and I can feel like they are ignoring a substantial part of the community
Cailyn: I donāt think it really has, in the Facebook groups I am in we all are supportive of one another no matter where we fall on the spectrum.
E: The ace community has generally been accepting of me as someone who doesnāt want sex. Itās also a few spaces where thereās not an assumption that I inherently want sex even from people who are sex ambivalent or favorable.
Fey: I don’t really interact with the more sex-favourable side of our community – I’m glad they exist, but they’re just not for me!
Grace: In my experience, a lot of the ways we deal with our feelings about sex is that we make jokes about it (I.e. cake/garlic bread over sex, allos be crazy).
JD: The asexual community is one of, if not the most accepting communities that I have ever been a part of. This community has never made me feel left out or “weird” during the 1 1/2 I’ve been apart of it. While my lack of sexual attraction is seen as a liability in most other group-setting, my views on sex are seen as unique and meaningful in the building of the ace community.
Kay: I’d say it matters more in the online ace communities I’m in more than it does in the offline ones. The difference between different kinds of aspec folks tends to be brought up online much more often and there are both good and bad sides to it. On one hand that increases people’s awareness of themselves but on the other hand quite a lot of online ace discourse tends to exclude sex-repulsed/averse aces – something I’ll bring up later.
Keanna: It’s been a positive experience thankfully! My ace community is all online and most of my close ace friends are also repulsed or averse. It’s great to have people to talk to who relate to my averse experience. People are kind enough to add content warnings when they are discussing the topic of sex (not that it comes up very often, which in itself is a lovely part of the ace community)
Olivia B: It makes me feel like Iām less alone and that there are people that really do understand how I feel. It helps to shut up some of the internal voices saying Iām broken or wrong or I donāt belong anywhere, because the very existence of the ace community proves that I DO belong somewhere. It also makes me reevaluate my own assumptions about sex-positivity and asexuality, because I didnāt know about sex-positive asexual people when I first heard the term āasexualā. But I like that I get to reevaluate and learn more.
Ollie: In some ways it makes it very difficult, since recently there has been an emphasis on sex-indifference and sex-favourability. As important as these ideas are, I sometimes wish there was more attention on what it really means to be on the averse side of the spectrum.
Does being sex-repulsed or -averse impact your intimate (romantic, sexual, both or neither) relationships? How so?
Al: Yes and no. As it turns out, my partner – while allo – has similar boundaries as me, so we tend to avoid media or entertainment that is overtly sexual anyway. I would say that there is still an impact though- a positive one- since sex isnāt at the center of our relationship, we spend that time and energy elsewhere, strengthening our connection on deeper emotional and intellectual levels. Society makes a big deal about sex being the glue that holds a relationship together- that itās something you have to be doing āxā amount of times each week otherwise are you even in love. Itās both ridiculous and exhausting. In that respect I suppose my relationship is unconventional, and personally I wouldnāt have it any other way- weāre 8 years strong yet!
Alex: Iāve had several romantic partners leave or not want to be with me in the first place due to the fact that our relationship would never involve sex
Cailyn: I am also fully aromantic and feel the same way about romance as I do about sex, so I do not have any desire for physically intimate relationships. I donāt think it really impacts my friendships.
E: I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship. I think that even if I were to develop romantic feelings for someone it would be challenging for me to find a partner who would be okay with not being sexually active, but I also think I might be a romantic so itās not The only thing keeping me from being in a partnered relationship.
Fey: They don’t really interact with partnerships, I’m aro and I don’t have a platonic partner. I don’t really react to dirty jokes or innuendo, so my friends quickly learn that I just don’t vibe with that sort of thing.
Grace: I donāt have any romantic or sexual relationships, nor do I plan to have any. I do feel like it impacts my platonic relationships a lot though. Iām in high school, and suddenly everyone I know has boyfriends and girlfriends, and some are probably having sex. Whenever those topics come up, I am pretty uncomfortable about it (usually sex-related conversations). Iām socially awkward anyway, so I end up feeling alienated. I still want to be involved though, because otherwise I just feel left out.
JD: Being sex-averse makes it difficult to build worthwhile intimate relationships with allos. Constant comprising on the matter of sex, has always made it difficult for aces such as myself to build and maintain proper satisfaction in relationships.
JR: Sadly, no relationship.
Olivia B: I donāt have any romantic relationships, but I do have friendships and my family. I was incredibly scared to come out to my family, because sexual attraction being the default is such an engrained idea that I thought I would be immediately dismissed or regarded as going through a phase. Luckily, that hasnāt happened.
How can ace communities best support you?
Al: There is a lot of push and pull between sex-repulsed/averse aces and sex-favorable aces, that the latter often shout over us, and maybe that comes from living in a sex-obsessed world thatās created a need to appeal to the allo majority. As the ace community advocates for visibility, acceptance and legal protections, itās important that sex-repulsed and sex-averse aces are not overshadowed in the process.
Alex: They can recognize that being sex repulsed or sex averse are perfectly valid ace experiences and should be celebrated within the community
Cailyn: It doesnāt happen often, but sometimes ace people have invalidated those on the aromantic spectrum. I remember someone posted once about how the slogan ālove is loveā doesnāt apply to us, and a few alloromantic asexual people were calling that homophobic. Because even in the LGBTQIA+ community amatonormativity is still the standard, it can be hard for some people to realize that it doesnāt encompass all of us. I understand and appreciate why that is the phrase representative of the community, but I think it is also important to recognize that not everyone identifies with it.
E: Ace communities can support me by being a space where itās okay for me to not be interested in sex or talking about sex. They can also advocate for the fact that, while there are aces who are okay with sex, peoples acceptance of ace people should not be reliant upon those ace people being okay with sex on some level.
Fey: I love it when I can talk to people who are like me, it’s hard to find others who relate so just finding a connection with people who understand through any ace community is amazing
Grace: I think just by validating these feelings, and being a place where we can both talk about these issues, but also ignore them for a little while.
JD: Ace communities can best support sex-averse aces by including us in conversations about asexuality, and respecting our unique opinions on the matter.
JR: Education is important. Especially sex education anyway. Yes, sex is gross, but at the same time, we need to knowledgeable about it to have the conversations that need to be had and to have an understanding of it ourselves.
Kay: Spread more information and positivity about sex-repulsed/averse aces. As I’ve said before, some of the online conversations about ace people tend to focus on how ace people can still want/have sex, which is extremely important and helps to combat many stereotypes allo people have about us. However, I do think that we also need to remind people that some aces don’t want sex, never wanted it and never wil and that it is perfectly okay. This hopefully will help normalize different attitudes to it both inside and outside of the ace community.
Keanna: Content warnings are my friends! Some days I would rather not hear about sex at all, so it’s nice to have the option to avoid something. But we still need to support and include our sex positive friends too! So if everyone in the ace community uses the same language and definitions for repulsed/averse/neutral/positive, it’s easier to determine the boundaries of conversations for everyone.
Olivia B: I have severe anxiety and depression, and one of the recorded symptoms of depression is a lower sex drive. So sometimes I have thought spirals where I panic that Iām not really asexual, Iām just mentally ill. The ace community can best support me and other people with depression and/or anxiety by letting us have this space and reassure us that we still belong here. It can help to stop me from overthinking if what happens in reality doesnāt match with what my head is telling me.
Ollie: By acknowledging my position and expressing understanding for its complexity rather than simply telling me it is a fluid experience. I acknowledge that one day my feelings towards sex may change, but Iād like to be truly appreciated for my feelings around it now without feeling pressure to be different.
What do you wish ace people knew about you or other ace sex-repulsed or -averse people?
Al: Being sex-repulsed or -averse doesnāt make us āmoreā ace than someone who is sex-favorable, but we can bring valuable insight about navigating all kinds of relationships based on our experiences. We naturally exist in such ways that allow us to create intimate bonds outside of sex that society as a whole can learn from.
Alex: A large portion of aces are sex averse or sex repulsed and we should have a louder voice in the community
Cailyn: No matter where you fall under the asexual umbrella, asexual only means lack of sexual attraction and nothing more. You can love sex and be ace, and you can hate sex and still be ace. We are all in this together!
E: I want people who are sex favorable or sex ambivalent and ace to know that even though our experiences are different and we sometimes have different needs, those of us who donāt want sex donāt think theyāre any less ace for being okay with or interested in sex.
Fey: I can’t think of anything!
JD: We want to stand side by side with our fellow asexuals, in order to pursue true equity and equality.
JR: That we are still ace even though we hate sex and that we don’t judge or hate acas that’s are sex-positive.
Kay: There is a difference between being sex-favorable/neutral/averse/repulsed and sex-positive/negative. The first is how someone’s views sex when applied to themself. The second is the attitude to sex and sexuality in general and those two don’t have to overlap. For instance, I am sex-repulsed but sex-positive: I don’t want anything to do with sex myself but think that other people are free to explore their sexuality in whatever consensual way they want. But, for instance, a sex-favorable person might be sex-negative and think that exploring sexuality is fine but say only with one partner and after marriage. That is to say, someone being sex-repulsed or averse doesn’t mean they think they’re better than any other aces or that they want to repress other people’s sexuality. However even if those two things overlap, it says much more about one person than about sex-averse/repulsed aces as a group.
Olivia B: That they shouldnāt have us as a point of comparison. Asexuality just means a lack of sexual attractionāin my head, attraction and drive are two different concepts that are separate, even if allonormativity lumps them together. Asexuality is a spectrum; itās meant to have variety. Thatās what makes the community so cool!
Ollie: That itās fine! Some ace people Iāve met misunderstand my level of discomfort and I wish there would be more dialogue around accommodating those feelings in social situations.
What do you wish allo people knew about you or other ace sex-repulsed or -averse people?
Al: Honestly, the same answer as above for this one, while also adding that I wish society didnāt equate maturity or how āhealthyā a relationship is with sexual tolerance/frequency. Sex-repulsed and -averse aces are not immature, we simply prioritize non-sexual intimacy when building and maintaining relationships.
Alex: Sex repulsed people are still adults and deserve to be taken seriously
Cailyn: Sex is not a necessity to be a human. I am full, complete, and whole. It is not a rite of passage. Virginity is a social construct and means different people things to different people. I do not need sex to survive. Itās great if you enjoy it, but itās also perfectly normal if you donāt. I also donāt need to experience it to know I donāt like it; some people are attracted to one gender, some are attracted to all, so it only makes sense that some are attracted to none. How boring would the world be if we were all the same? I am not celibate and I am definitely not broken. My sexuality is not a choice, but I am proud of who I am.
E: I wish that people knew that even though we donāt feel comfortable talking about sex or having sex, that doesnāt mean that we are judging allo people for wanting those things. I also wish they understood how isolating it can be when allo people assume that everyone must want sex and act like we must be broken or crazy to not want it.
Fey: Every ace person’s boundaries are different, just ask. I’ve had a lot of people get weird around me once they find out I’m ace and get overly protective. I’m not a child!
Grace: One, we are not innocent babies you need to protect. Two, this languge might have originated in the Aspec community, but it can serve you too.
JD: I wish that allos would stop thinking sex-averse aces are emotionless robots. While we don’t want to have sex, many of us still want intimacy. Whether our nonsexual intimacy is based off of romantic, emotional, or physical qualities, intimacy is a desire that we long for nonetheless.
JR: I wish allo people understood that just because we hate sex, doesn’t mean we hate the person. Yes, the conversations gross me out, but I do not judge a person from doing what they enjoy. In the same way I don’t judge someone for liking brussel sprouts when I hate them, I don’t judge someone for loving sex just because I’m grossed out. There’s no correlation here. My friends still have the conversation in front of me because they know that. If it dives into an area they know will make me extremely uncomfortable, they ask if they can continue or they have the conversation later. That’s what I would wish from everyone.
Kay: With sex-repulsed aces in general, I wish allo people knew that it’s not the result of some childhood trauma. The frequency with which this question is asked to aces in general and to sex-averse/repulsed aces in particular is honestly disheartening and also deeply intrusive. Just because someone isn’t into something you like doesn’t mean that something bad happened to “put them off it”. It just means they’re not into it, period.
With me specifically I wish people knew that sex-repulsion has nothing to do with dysphoria. I’ve known plenty of folks with dysphoria who are not sex-repulsed and the other way around. Personally, it’s got more to do with the fact that I don’t want anyone touching my body in a physical way regardless of how it looks and is perceived. But I do know it may be different for other sex-repulsed trans aces, so I’m obviously not speaking for everyone.
Keanna: I think when allos see the term repulsed and averse, believe we think everyone should avoid sex. But that’s not at all true! It’s just a label for our own bodies and experiences. I would never tell anyone what to do with their own bodies (as long as it’s consensual of course!)
Olivia B: That weāre not prudes or weirdos or broken somehow, or that weāre some sort of rare novelty. We exist, and weāre human beings, not members of a freak show. Us being ace and sex-averse or -repulsed doesnāt give someone the right to ask thousands of questions that sometimes get invasive. Let us have the space we deserve to be ourselves, and try to practice the same kind of understanding and openness to learn that one would give any allosexual identity. (Weāre also not homophobicāI have no idea where that assumption came from.)
Ollie: That itās fine! Some allo people Iāve met misunderstand my level of discomfort and I wish there would be more dialogue around accommodating those feelings in social situations. Iāve also been told several times that someone will come along and I will start feeling intimate attraction, but itās ok to not like that idea and sexual relationships are not the gold standard of society. Iām able to feel intimacy, itās just never been and likely will never be sexual.